Anyone managing an amicable co-parenting situation?

[Daffodil15]

In need of objective advice please!

Husband and I have been together for 14 years. Our girls are 3 and 7. Our relationship has deteriorated to the point where I no longer feel anything for him except resentment.

Like many on here, I do the lion's share of childcare and domestic stuff, as well as working full time (I'm a freelancer). During COVID I have had to work around homeschooling, which means working early in the morning and late into the evening, while balancing calls and meetings throughout the day with the needs of the kids.

Husband has not even attempted to help, even when asked. He won't even print out worksheets or keep an eye on them while I run a meeting. He has always been an incredibly selfish person and lockdown has really exacerbated it (he usually works away during the week). He doesn't appear to care about me and is singularly focused on his own activities. He rarely interacts with the kids and only ever spends time with them on his own terms. This has been the same since they were born.

I know he's not going to change and I'm convinced that I would be better off alone, but I am worried about the impact on the children. They are still very young and I don't want to be the one responsible for disrupting their (currently pretty easy) life. My relationship with my husband is pretty much over, but I'd be interested in hearing any tips from anyone who has managed to have an amicable divorce and is successfully co-parenting.

Thanks in advance!

Hello, exdp is one of my best friends abs we coparent well.

It's been a long journey but it's been smoothish from the get go after the shock of me ending it wore off.

I ended it after 2 years of begging him to come for couples counselling to address some of his behaviour, he refused/ sulked etc. Initially when I ended it he begged abs begged and was inconsolable. He did shitty things but I always remembered that this was his reaction to us breaking up and not him. Once the shock / grief wore off we got on fine. We had to live together for 18 months while we sold the house.

I didn't take 1/2 of finances etc as it was his inheritance and I wanted to be fair and keep my integrity- it simply would not have been right. I told him the annoying I wanted and he insisted I have more to get set up on my own.

We negotiated almost 50:50 access over my shift pattern and what he would pay for in regards to the Kids and maintaince

We are flexible with each other and help each other out constantly.

I did not assume the kids are my possessions and that it was my decision when and how they saw their father, this really helped

I did not use finances to punish him or manipulate in any wAy

I saw the relationship with him as family and he will always be my family as he is the father to my children.

Our kids were 2 and 4 at the time

Thanks so much. Can I ask how old the kids are now? Has your relationship with each other improved? ie - are you better friends now than you were when you split?

To be perfectly honest with you, your husband isn't currently parenting your children at all, and i wouldn't be optimistic that he'll change his ways if you split up. I would be prepared, if i were you, to still be doing the lion's share and for him to be acting like he's performing some heroic act when he takes them one weekend night every other week.

Simply put, you can't coparent with someone who doesn't want to be a parent.

Op am in the same position as yourself only 1 DD, no feelings left for H but feel stuck and unable to move forward at the moment, I’d be interested to read other people’s struggles and agreements on co parenting

@Ohalrightthen - you are absolutely right! It makes me sad. I am fully expecting to continue being the main parent. It's been that way since they were born and I'm not kidding myself that he's going to change. BUT, the best outcome for us would be that the girls at least have a positive relationship with their dad. He's a fairly lousy parent, but he isn't a bad person. I think he massively underestimated how hard parenting is and he isn't prepared to deal with it.

@Feelingchicken99 - it's pretty rubbish isn't it. How old is your daughter?

@Daffodil15 she’s 10 this year, my resentment has been around since I fell pregnant, he was going to be the best daddy ever, I could carry on with my career etc how wrong was I, I got sucked in through him and family about what was expected of me as a mum so I gave up the career pretty much gave up being me to be a mum because I was the only one present to parent her seem j still do, he has only had holidays from work during covid in school holidays he has done not 1 day of teaching helping, while I’ve been doing it for a year while working from home,
I love me DD very much and I have done everything I can to be the best mum I can be but it’s very 1 sided, me and my H have different parenting styles her barks and expects her to jump and do everything straight away, where as I ask and lay down expectations and try to get her to make the right choices from herself obviously am not a push over when it comes to something serious but every day stuff she has to take some responsibility for herself,
Last few years I e released how much of myself I’ve lost and I’ve been trying to find myself again, making new friends different hobbies, he has fought me on these changes every step of the way, even to the point of interfering in a promotion at work as it would take me away from the house, he just wants the old me back the one that does everything and doesn’t complain, am not sure about yourself but I have told him that I am very unhappy on many occasions but he tells me I view our relationship wrong that I don’t see the good, he doesn’t seem to understand being in our marriage doesn’t make me feel good, bloody hard work

Dds are 11 and 9 and they love the 50/59 split. He has gone from doing zero to being the admin lead with the school paperwork etc.

His relationship with both kids has really improved as he used to just leave everything to me and now he enjoys it. We've spoken honestly about this and he literally says he can't believe he let me do it all on my own etc

Far closer now, both have new partners who we get on with etc. I just didn't want my relationship with their father to ever become a problem for them, they see us as one extended family, yes we may disagree as families do but we have each other's back etc.

When I explained it to them when we split up, daddy and I are not true loves but we are the same team like Olaf and Anna

Exdp would do f all when we were together apart from when I was at work on nights etc but has stepped up and enjoyed stepping up.

We both learnt so much from the relationship I won't ever except less than 50% help with house hold things etc

@bjjgirl - thanks for sharing. This has made me feel very positive. I loved your explanation: "daddy and I are not true loves but we are the same team like Olaf and Anna"! That's a really lovely way to explain it.

I guess I worry that taking this decision is very selfish - I'm putting how I feel above them. I'm just not sure if I can face keeping my head down and waiting for 10-15 years until they are grown.

It's not selfish at all. My kids rave to their friends how amazing it is to have 2 families, also I really appreciate that if anything were to happen to me their dad is there with he's partner. I worried that dd2 would be lost without my cuddles but she has grown so close to her dad and his partner.

If you end it there will be short lived shitty behaviour from your ex but remain compassionate but stern.

Both of you deserve to be loved and desired, I split with my ex as I wanted him
To be loved more than I could as it was over for me. I couldn't live a lie

I started divorcing my ex when I was having our daughter. His behaviour escalated to breaking point in that pregnancy, and I decided for the sake of my sanity and the kids we would go it alone. I have sole custody 10 years later, and we co-parent. The kids are always at mine with no overnight access. He has no involvement in their home education, and would do a terrible job if he did...no patience. Co-parenting is hard work but better than living with someone in difficult circumstances.

I to co-parent well with my ex. We split when DD was 5 and she's now 10. It hasn't always been plain sailing and it has taken a while to get to this point. But we have a 3/4 day split, have been known to go on foreign holidays together, tea out etc. I must admit, I'm really quite proud of him, he stepped up, when he previously hadn't and he's become a real Dad to our DD.
We live in the same village and swap days, have weekends away from our DD when required. I think the fact that we get on better now, talk and have a reasonable relationship, mean that it has impacted less on our DD. The split hasn't affected her hugely and I think that's because we agreed right from the start that she would always be put first and we never speak badly of each other.

OP my kids are age 9 and 5 now, have been a single parent for several years. It works MUCH better since I split with exP. We both work full time and live quite close to each other, so we have set days each with the kids and pick ups and drop offs are split between us too (with after school club also sometimes). I wouldn't say he's the greatest parent but when they are at his they are well looked after.

We are generally on friendly terms and will swap or add/change a night with the kids if one of us needs it for work or a night out etc. We rarely argue anymore, which we did a LOT when we were a couple. Friends have commented that we co parent much better than a lot of married parents.

As the kids are quite young, I explain that some parents choose to live together, some apart, some have two mums or two dads, but that their dad and I are friends who like living apart. The kids seem happy and content, feel free to PM.

That sounds really tough OP, have you both gone for counselling?

On a separate note, I'm always genuinely bewildered by posts where the OP says the partner was always incredibly selfish/other bad behaviour The whole point of dating is note red flags/negative characteristics in order to weed out people like this before marriage/kids.

@LivBa

That sounds really tough OP, have you both gone for counselling?

On a separate note, I'm always genuinely bewildered by posts where the OP says the partner was always incredibly selfish/other bad behaviour The whole point of dating is note red flags/negative characteristics in order to weed out people like this before marriage/kids.

It's often after children that the relationship changes, for us my ex did all of the cleaning but had ocd so I had to preclean before he got home or he would be to stressed.

I went from working up and down the country to having a baby so it was a huge lifestyle change. Dd1 was a suprise, I was on the pill.

Then with one child my ex and I coped well but after dd2 he had a mini breakdown, my dad died - I dealt with some horrific cases at work and our relationship simply did not survive. He went into himself / sulk and I pleaded him to come to counselling, he refused.

I could not have spotted this pre children

Hi @Daffodil15 are you married to my OH??! They sound identical
I'm sitting at my desk surrounded by stuff I need to do, people ringing me with lists of other things to do, somehow I seem to have responsibility for programming and training staff to operate a new machine our work has bought, while a couple of hospital letters are sitting beside my phone so I can rearrange clashing appointments next week when I get a minute. And when I get home I'll have house stuff to do, help the kids with work, probably take them out sledging (which I don't mind, I love the snow!) while he mutters about his work and then lies on the sofa all evening watching Nigel Farage. It is soul destroying. And he's barely spoken or looked at me for three weeks.
I know I'd be better off alone, much less stressed anyway. But it's the age old problem of agonising over what effect it will have on the kids.
I see your posts all the time @Feelingchicken99 and know you are the same too. I just wish I could explode one day and tell him to go, but it's not in my nature and I just keep calm and carry on. I hope everyone here finds a way xx

Yes, my ex and I both co-parent well and kids are happy, but as PPs have said we both put kids needs first and were willing to step up. Not ruling out your husband will step up too if circumstances change, but you can’t guarantee it either.

I’d also add that although we co-parent well, ex and I certainly weren’t amicable for the first couple of years (infidelity was involved) and, even now, I can say it’s unlikely we’ll ever be friends again. But that needn’t impact your parenting if you don’t let it. Ours is much more a business type relationship now and that’s fine. Just don’t go into this thinking you might end up platonic best buddies with your ex - in my experience it’s unlikely as there’s often too much baggage.

Yeah, this isn’t going to end in happy co-parenting. He’s a selfish arse and that’s not likely to change.

I can almost guarantee is he makes noise about 50/50 it won’t bloody last long, even if he follows it through as far as a court order for 50/50.

He sees you as the unpaid help. Been there, done that, got the entire souvenir shop

Thanks so much everyone. If anything, this is making me feel I am not alone!

For those of you who have already separated/divorced - how are your kids? Did they find it tough, or have they breezed through it? Any tips for making it as easy as possible for them? I am envisaging that it will be me moving out with the kids (house belongs to him - long story), so they are going to be more uprooted than just Dad moving out. To be honest, if he did move out I doubt they would actually notice for a while!

@LivBa

Ironically he was the one who said he was desperate to have kids. I was ambivalent (wouldn't change it now though).

Here's a classic example of what I'm working with: Our childminder retired when our eldest was 4 years old (Reception). There were no other childminders who would pick up from (rural village) school and no after school club. We both worked full time. His genius solution was to book her a taxi to pick her up from school every day and drive her to the after school club of another school in another village (where she knew no-one) until we had finished work. That was the day I quit my job and went freelance. He was furious and couldn't understand why I wouldn't go with his idea. To him it made perfect sense.

I'm in the process of separating from H. He was very similar- I did most of the parenting. When I told him it was over he wanted to try counselling and we did. He did imprive and took on quite a lot of the emotional labour/parenting stuff. It wasn't enough and it was too little, too late for me.

We are doing 50/50 and dc are 11 and 8. H is much more involved and the relationshio is better. We get on much better.

I actually wish I had done it when thekids were younger, as I think my 11 year old has found it hard to grasp.

^ Good point. Mine were 4 and 6 when we separated and sure this made things easier. Youngest can’t even really remember life without us being separated.

What I would say is kids can be alright in spite of our divorce, rather than saying “they’ll get over it”. The truth is, it does have a huge effect on them and, more than likely, they won’t necessarily let you know. What will make a difference is putting their needs above all else - and if your other half falls short, preparing to be the “sane” parent to offset this. It isn’t easy. In fact, in hindsight, it’s hard work that you wouldn’t have had if you’re relationship had been healthier and you’d stayed together. But if you put it in, yes, your kids will adjust.

Tips? Don’t bad mouth the other parent (frustration is fine, but no name calling or suggestions the kids should hold them in contempt). Check occasionally that they’re okay with the new arrangements. Have their own things at each house, but make them aware they can take things back and forth if they want to. Be aware that any bad behaviour may be their way of handling the change.

That said, they’re not teens yet. Things might change radically then!