Coming on too strong

[Highwoman]

Hi folks

I've just broken up with someone (my idea) because my reaction to him being aloof was that I came on far too strong.

I'm not blaming him, it was a combo of covid, his legitimate responsibilities towards his older parents/semi grown up kids and him being quite a solitary person which resulted in me feeling ignored and I worried myself with my intensity.

Also he's gorgeous and I am deeply attracted to him physically and intellectually, maybe even in love with him. The relationship has been going on for 2 years and it's hard its ups and down but although we said I love you, he kept letting me down/cancelling/ignoring...

It's really out of character for me and, after being single for most of the last 20 years bringing up my girls (10 yes apart, different dads), I want to meet someone and have a relationship where there is a committment on both sides to make each other happy.

How can I prevent this happening again? Do I need counselling? Relationship training? I have just downloaded tinder lol.

Just to define coming on strong....

Texting 5+ times a day, recording myself (a bit pissed) reciting a poem , ending the relationship, making contact again...

It's embarrassing and I am actually mortified thinking about it.

Maybe I should flush my phone down the loo!

He kept cancelling and ignoring you so the interest In the relationship just wasn't there for him as it was to you.

There does need to be fairness, give and take in a relationship so when you message you must learn to wait for a reply and not over message, if you getting ignored and cancelled on then you need to step back as this is a way of saying they are not interested.

It doesn't mean a future relationship will be the same, just be mindful that you are not invading them too much. With the right man for you he will be just as interested as you are so don't give up hope and put the past down to experience.

Thanks Honeysuckle! Your advice was lovely and kind, and you're right - it was too one sided but peppered with little moments of him saying 'you're the one' and 'I've never felt this way before' etc which kept me hanging in there, but very much on his terms.

If I didn't think he was such a decent person, I would be really angry the thing is, I was pretty understanding until I felt the relationship begin to slip away and then I seemed to go into some kind of state of not knowing how to deal with it.

Truthfully, I only want to be with him but he was making me lose confidence in myself. It's such a crap time right now I felt it was affecting my fragile emotions really negatively.

I did end it with some control last night and I have deleted and blocked him so hopefully that's a line drawn.

And re invading too much, I definitely did that and I even knew it at the time. My impulse control was poor...

It's never easy when they give you mixed messages but consistency is the key to how they feel, don't be too hard on yourself, you have done the right thing.

Op you've done the right thing. It's very hard to seperate feelings for someone to what else may be happening their end and seeing the bigger picture. You know what you want and how you feel and if that doesn't sit right you make that decison.
My ex said he wanted a future with me, we had a maiky great relationship but every time I tried to move things on he's call me irrational or unreasonable and turn it round to me being difficult.. Very weird when that person supposedly wants the same as you and loves you?!
I said i wanted a future a month ago and wasn't putting up with his answers of blaming me anymore.. Had nothing. It really hurt. Then he sent some B-day gifts and I thanked him..but didn't respond to some bits he'd put in my card and again he just went dead on me.. I need to find someone who doesn't act like a toddler and you need someone who validates your thoughts and wants.

Sorry for your experience NTWA. It's not easy when guys are saying one thing but doing the opposite. I do wonder if I'd be better on my own!
But... Tinder is quite funny right now! I'm enjoying chatting to people although it's pretty time consuming!

@highwoman thanks. Yes it is hard. Harder when they sulk when you say you've had enough.. Why sulk, clearly you're giving them what they want?!
Glad tinders funny, the thought of a dating site sends shivers down my spine!!

The right one won’t make you feel insecure- you’ll know he adores you! 💐💐

@notacoolmum that's my problem.. He I'd adore me.. He'd do anything for me.. Put me over his family sometimes.. Loved my kids.. Couldn't fault him in ways.. But he wouldn't move forward with me unless it was all under his terms.. And that's hard to forget the good over what I thought my future was going to be

@Highwoman what was his response to you ending it?

It does sound like an unbalanced relationship, but with lockdowns and mixed messages thats understandable. Did he tell you he found you intense?

I think there has to be some give and take, its good to give space sometimes if a partner has a lot on with work, family etc. Also though you need someone who is compatible for the type of relationship you want - an aloof character won't suit you if you want someone more emotionally attentive.

His response was... Aloof. Understanding, but aloof. I think with a bit of relief and maybe sadness. No he didn't say I was intense but I know I was intense, as I've said above, I was too much 😔

I agree re giving space, I have done but I have grown to realise that all he really wanted was for me to be available to him when he fancied some company (phone lately) and it wasn't reciprocated.

In some ways we were extremely compatible but he never prioritised me and his actions over two y are told me he never would.

@Highwoman so he basically wanted you to be available by phone/in person when it suited him, but he would cancel dates and ignore you when he wanted to as well?

He does sound quite selfish, a relationship needs to fill most of both partners needs, not just his. He clearly didn't find your intensity intolerable, as he was with you two years. But do you think if you'd been less intense he would have pushed the relationship more? Or would he have just wanted a 'convenient' relationship forever? If your kids have grown up then msybe you want a committed, living together relationship? It doesn't sound like he was likely to offer this.

That's interesting, thanks for some perspective. I am assuming I all/most blame here and failing to acknowledge his part in it. Which is the way it's always been, he hasn't changed. But recently time he may have given me he now gives to others who live nearer and he is more committed to. And I need more support after a traumatic year which I won't go into.

I did try and give space, sleep on things etc. I think it's a compatibility issue largely, coupled with Corona and circumstance - I have a lot to give the right person, who isn't him and the last few weeks have been the death throes maybe. It just left me feeling a bit unhinged. I am feeling better already, this thread, daft Tinder chats and a long dog walk with a friend have all helped.

I think if I had recently been less intense, it would have dragged out the inevitable - me realising he was actually doing me more harm than good. 😔

Update time... I went on to go for a walk with a (really nice) tinder guy, original guy got back in touch with an uncharacteristic 'big' gesture and I told nice walk chap I couldn't see him again (although I did actually like him!).
Well, since then (1.5 weeks) I have been just as disappointed by ever by the lack of effort on his part and feel like I have now got all of the resolve I need to walk away from this.
I did start to have those intense feelings and, interestingly, I did a wellbeing workshop through work on Monday where I had to write to myself in a compassionate way and it helped so much. Small steps!!

@Highwoman oh I've been in your situation more than I care to admit OP. I always seem to attract the 'aloof' type of men. I'm used to being painted as the psycho and used to feel mortified and ashamed but it wasn't until the past couple of years when I took a break from dating and relationships that I finally realised they should be the ones feeling mortified and ashamed, as they were leading me on for a shag and playing mind games, knowing what they were doing the full time. Shame gone.

The original guy is just a waste of effort, you can move on from him now knowing he'll never change. Keep up the dates, you'll find someone better.

Thank you ladies. Onward and upward, eh? I'm sorry Arizona that you have experienced similar. Just took the dog on a lovely 5 mile walk and feel great.

D'you know about attachment styles? Sounds like you have an anxious attachment style (which will make you clingy and blame yourself when things go wrong), and he has an avoidant style, which makes him avoid having anything to do with things that have gone wrong.

Your way out of your attachment style is to realise that no, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Don't change yourself to meet other people's needs, change your people until you have people who meet your needs. Certainly don't stay around someone who triggers your 'clingy' response, or anything else that you do that makes you wish you hadn't. The trigger is your cue to leave, rather than your cue to stay and try to 'manage' your feelings.

There's tons of articles online. Here's a link to one. I hope it helps you understand what's happening a bit more. Don't be embarrassed. Attachment styles are what we learn in childhood, and until we learn about them, they are pretty much out of our control. All but the luckiest of us have done attachment style-triggered daft stuff. You're not alone!

Forgot the link, sorry:

www.simplypsychology.org/attachment-styles.html

Thanks very much for this Ekhart. What's a bit weird is I have never really been like this in the past and I am mid 40s now. Maybe I just hadn't been with someone who's attachment style was so at odds with mine.
I was aware of attachment styles and always thought I was secure generally and I am usually a bit of a rock in telationships. However, the more I read into it, I am guilty of being a a rescuer and I am wondering if that's what I have been trying to do here. The subconscious is fascinating!

Yes, I discovered myself to be a rescuer too, it is fascinating when you realise what you've been doing behind your own back!

Attachment styles change according to who we're with. I'm more on the anxious side (sometimes in the past horribly so), but I had one short relationship where the other person was really clingy, and suddenly I started to recognise the avoidant style in myself, which was really odd, because I'd always found avoidant to be totally alien before.

Maybe the man you're posting about was particularly aloof, and shoved you away from your generally secure position.

I can relate to the clingy partner, I can't stand that.
I think what is interesting is that I behaved as I did as I didn't have control... I am used to being in the driving seat and the control wasn't there. It was a clash of the titans situation and he didn't give an inch. Lol!

That's what attachment styles are, isn't it. Totally out of our control. I think it's for most of us how we were with our mothers when we were 4. Tantrums abound. We are all still 4 inside. Maturity isn't 'stopping being 4', I realised. Maturity is recognising that some things set off your inner 4 year old, and staying away from those things!