Coming on too strong

[Highwoman]

Hi folks

I've just broken up with someone (my idea) because my reaction to him being aloof was that I came on far too strong.

I'm not blaming him, it was a combo of covid, his legitimate responsibilities towards his older parents/semi grown up kids and him being quite a solitary person which resulted in me feeling ignored and I worried myself with my intensity.

Also he's gorgeous and I am deeply attracted to him physically and intellectually, maybe even in love with him. The relationship has been going on for 2 years and it's hard its ups and down but although we said I love you, he kept letting me down/cancelling/ignoring...

It's really out of character for me and, after being single for most of the last 20 years bringing up my girls (10 yes apart, different dads), I want to meet someone and have a relationship where there is a committment on both sides to make each other happy.

How can I prevent this happening again? Do I need counselling? Relationship training? I have just downloaded tinder lol.

I have never been one for navel gazing really but this is interesting. Interesting in that what is bad for me is soooo good. 4 year old me must have been a right wee shite!
I am itching to call him/text him/see him and know it will not end well for me!

I can empathise with a lot of this - my ex was very withdrawn (lack of physical or verbal affection - would actively tell me he wasn’t in love with me etc.). My response to that was to become quite full on in an attempt to get his affection (which I had never been like in past relationships). He consequently portrayed me as needy and a bit unhinged.

I had life-coaching at one point and my life coach talked to be about attachment styles - said mine was anxious and his was avoidant, and that it’s common for anxious people to be attracted to avoidants and vice versa, but the relationship often just exacerbates the worst traits of both.

In the end he finished with me (he did this a lot and always wanted me back a bit later) - but this time I decided to walk away for good.

Now I’m with someone (who I met on Tinder!) who is lovely and my behaviours no longer seem mental or extreme, because he is happy to be with me and behaves in the same way. We are both physically and verbally affectionate, both text each other loads when not together. It just seems like normal, healthy behaviour towards someone you love. It’s great!

What I am trying to say is, there is every chance there is nothing at all wrong with you - that you are a perfectly normal, loving woman who just picked the wrong fella. For example, I don’t think texting 5 times a fat is loads, or that most men would mind that. Some might even like you reading the poem! 🤣. You just need to find someone who adores you as much as you adore them. Well done for getting back on the horse!

Five times a day. Sorry!

Thank you Lovely your post makes tons of sense and gives me hope!
I relate to it completely and am so glad you've found your person who makes you happy instead of constantly feeling on the back foot!

Glad you are enjoying Tinder! I loved it too, for the brief time I was on it. (I am now with the man who was my first and only ever actual Tinder date - he is just across the room from me now, cooking my dinner and being beautiful!). I swiped almost everybody even vaguely plausible right, which I think was the way forward - it cheered me up immensely to have all these random men to chat with. And it’s hilarious too, I agree.

But honestly, there were tonnes of men on there I would happily have dated, if I hadn’t ended up with this one........

I have actually decided to come off tinder as I need some headspace! I will go back on tho! Xx

Fair play - it’s like the Bingo adverts - when the fun stops, stop! But hopefully soon you will feel up for it again. Xxx

Just out of curiously what was his ‘big gesture’?

Something spur of the moment he had never done before although I'm not telling you what!
He soon reverted to type though!

This sounds so much like my boyfriend of 16 months! Everything comes before me, work house renovations, parents. He used to say he couldn’t get enough of me(we saw much more of each other) I see him once a week. He said it’s not going to change. I’m so sad, I know what I have to do....

Hairbear sorry to hear this. It's pants, eh? Walking away is hard but you will feel more in control of your life if you do x

Really relate to this post as I also tend to be "too much" and feel like it is always my fault.

Reminding myself that it is ok to be like that, within some limits of course, but nothing wrong in expressing my feelings. But it is so awful when the other person doesn't act the same way, I can't help but feel rejected.

Thanks for sharing your story, hopefully it will help me to also control myself! :)

Love the drunken poetry recital

Don't feel bad about yourself just because of incompatibility. It happens. It's just so much harder when you know they're wrong for you, but the physical attraction is strong.
Well done for being strong enough to end it, which is more than he was!

It is pants. I was so strong last week after reading on here, I went round and told him I’ll leave it, he’s obviously not ready for a relationship. He said he was and wanted to make more effort etc, I haven’t seen him since but the texts were so loving again. Then after a silly argument (by text) two days ago about a small thing- he’s ghosted me! I’m so angry and upset, so annoyed I didn’t finish it. I don’t know how long he’s going to avoid me but I haven’t text him and I won’t. It’s over in my eyes, I just want the strength I thought I had.

Loravina, 'too much' women of the world unite. Maybe we're not too much after all. They are too little 🥰 In reality, as Eats said, it's more about incompatibility and we should be proud to be open and invite those men we love or lust after to give us what we need in return.
This whole experience has made me feel up and down. Now, a few weeks on, I have learned that I was always projecting what I want on to the situation but being too afraid to be honest because I knew I wouldn't get that. I was letting it all come out at the wrong time. I really wish I hadn't held back in the beginning and said 'here's what I want and need from you and if you can't deliver then this won't work for me'.

How are you doing Hair? I hope a wee bit of time and distance has made you feel happier and more together. I know with my guy, I kept trying even when it was patently obvious it wasn't to be. Always be yourself and be proud because you're amazing xx

When it's right, you won't be too much, because you won't feel the need to be.

You can't chase someone who's running towards you.

5128 do you speak from experience
?

Do you know, quite quickly I’ve turned a corner. I think I knew for months it wasn’t how it used to be. I’ve heard nothing from him. I don’t even hate him now. I can see it wasn’t meant to be. Watching Matthew Hussey on Instagram has helped, and you guys on MN. It’s not even a week and I’m not crying all the time. Not saying I’m over him at all, but I’m also not being disappointed anymore!

5128 I love that! You can’t chase someone who is running towards you!
Another one I heard- No man is worth your tears, because the one who is, won’t make you cry!

Hair I am dead chuffed for you ☺️

@Highwoman

5128 do you speak from experience ?

Absolutely. I'm the one that's 52, so most things I say are from experience! Lol. Theres nothing wrong with you OP. That relationship just made you insecure as he didn't sufficiently demonstrate his interest. When you find someone who replies to your messages you won't feel the need to double text. When you find someone who is obviously keen to meet up with you and demonstrates it, you won't worry that he's not that into you. If you think about how you behave in your secure relationships with family, friends, you will see theres not some flaw in you, it's just a matter of finding a relationship that feels reciprocal.

Thank you 5128! 😘

He came back, promised changes. Three days later (surprise surprise) there were no changes.
Oh dear, at least I wasn't suckered in for too long! I do feel sad and annoyed at myself.