How do I grow some balls and confront him/ ask for clarity?

[Cloudy2224]

So I feel as though I am a bit of a Psycho at times and I am currently working with my partner to strengthen our relationship but I can't help but to have very little trust in him and I feel as though my gut instinct is screaming at me to tell me that something is not right.

So backstory...
My partner of 6 years and I have had a rocky relationship over the past year of so and we are currently focusing on dropping the past as the past and try and move on together... or so I thought we were, it seems as though it is a one-sided effort at the moment.

Our relationship over the past year had been broken due to me finding out that my partner had been chatting to girls over social media and arranging meet-ups with them when I wasn't around (basically acting as though I never existed and that he was a single guy).
I lost all of my trust within him and was absolutely broken. We had a break away from the relationship for around 3 months and slowly agreed to forgive each other and try and focus on starting afresh. However, I have been sneaky behind his back and I am fully aware that it was wrong of me, however, I had checked his phone a few times and had then found out that he was on Tinder under a different name (weird I know) and that he had created a snapchat and had been sending videos and pictures and had also paid for girls to send him things... Writing this makes my stomach literally turn!

I had confronted him about this and he absolutely balled his eyes out for days and couldn't apologise enough. Saying that it was his mental health effecting him due to lockdowns and that his business was slow, also due to lockdowns, and that it was just his stupid boredom. So I vowed to move on and forget about it once again...

Right so fast forward a couple of months...
(Even saying this sounds so silly to me but this is what my gut instinct is screaming to me about at the moment) Condoms - we don't use them, I have the Coil and we have been together for the past 6 years so we have never used them from after our little girl was born. There is a pack of unopened condoms in one of our drawers and when I was sorting out around a month ago I had noticed that they were opened.. So I counted them to see if any had been used... because they weren't being used with me. 1 was missing. Then a 2 weeks later, 3 was missing and then I had a blip yesterday and checked again and now there are only 6 left in a pack of 12 - meaning 6 others have been used/taken out...

So my heart sunk and I immediately began to feel hot and sweaty and shaky with a sick to the stomach feeling that I just went to bed and didn't speak to him. I work early mornings and have horses so I left this morning at 6am so I didn't speak to him either then and tbh I didn't have the balls to ask him about it either.

I have a really busy schedule at the moment due to working in the Hospital within the Covid Vaccination hubs and working different shifts and my little girl stays at my mums 2 nights a week due to me working 12+ hr shift when the hospital is absolutely desperate so that means that on those days he would have the house to himself. My mind is running away with itself and I feel myself getting more and more nervous to speak to him about it.

How do I overcome this and grow the balls to ask him about it?

I am just so bloody knackered and have so much low self esteem about my relationship at the moment and I cant stop myself from delving into the past as I keep finding things that he's hiding from me.

Think about the practical stuff.

Whose house and all of that stuff.

Then chose your time and put him out / move out, whichever!
You know you can't carry on with him. You don't trust him, you know he is cheating. You don't ned a conversation. You just tell him it's over, goodbye.

And then I read you have a little girl, is he her dad? That does make it more difficult for you. But the end result would be much the same!

Best of luck working though it all!

Make a list of all the horrible lies he has told you and what he has done to you....what would you tell a friend?
Why are you with this horrid man?
You deserve better.
Break off and go totally non contact. Don't allow him to control you or convince you to take him back.
Leopards and spots

Is he her Dad or why does she stay with your mum while he has the house to himself instead of him looking after her?

You know you need to get rid of him, just the first instance of his social media use to message girls would be enough to go. His crying is just his way of manipulating you. If he was sorry he would never have done it again. He knows he can get away with it so it taking more and more chances. Think of your little girl and get out of this relationship, she will sense your resentment. You don't want a child growing up in that kind of atmosphere and with that kind of man.

What would be the point in asking him? So he can cry and promise to change while you try to pretend it didn't happen until the next time?

What did you hope to achieve by making his betrayals your responsibility to "forget"?

I lost all of my trust within him and was absolutely broken. We had a break away from the relationship for around 3 months and slowly agreed to forgive each other

I'm a bit confused by this. What had you done that required his forgiveness?

He cheated on you and then you agreed "to forgive each other"??

WTAF?

Don't ASK him about. Tell him to fuck off.

You poor thing. But you know what you need to do, as hard as it is. You must leave this relationship for your own good. Your self-esteem will recover in time and your broken heart will heal, but please don't stay with someone who has no respect for you.

Good luck x

You are right not to trust him, he's obviously been messing around elsewhere for a long time, and you finding out and ending it with him, has not changed a thing. The answer to finding peace in your life, instead of being in a constant state of worry, is to end this for good.
Forget talking to him, there's no point, he's done unforgivable stuff already ( stop trying to forgive him, it's not past, it's also current, and will be in your future if you do nothing).
As others have said, work behind the scenes on the practicalities of a permanent split. At least after 3 months trial you may have some idea how to go about things. Ignore the crying - how pathetic- that's just because he got caught, if he had remorse, he wouldn't be doing it now. Its beyond needing an explanation, so don't tie yourself in knots trying to get one, you really don't need one, you have far more evidence than required to draw a reasonable conclusion.

Find your fight!!

Where has it gone?

Listen to yourself - you already know what to do.

Assuming he's DD's father why is your mother looking after her overnight?

Leave him x

What exactly do you hope to achieve by 'asking him?'
The relationship sounds dysfunctional on every level, he cheats but you both forgive each other?
Condoms have been going missing for weeks and your mind is running away with itself? Do you want him to provide some daft explanation that you can convince yourself is true so that you don't have to face up to what a disaster this all is?
This relationship has no future, put your big girl pants on and end it.

You can forgive once, because he recognises and changes his ways. But he didn't change you caught him out, you should have got rid of him then. You will never be able to trust this man because he has zero intentions of changing his ways. Just having condoms is bad enough especially with your back story. He should be proving to you over and over that he has changed. But he isn't.

However this is where I draw the line at my sympathies for you. You made the choice to accept him back twice now and again he has shown you through his actions that he is a total scumbag. If you accept him back this time you are allowing him the green light to continue to treat you like dirt. He has no redeeming features when it comes to how he has treated you- get rid of him before he wrecks your life further.

He’s untrustworthy and dishonest. When you’ve agreed to work at the relationship he hasn’t. He’s unfaithful. You’ve given him far more chances than he deserved and he’s not even tried a bit for you. No need for confrontation at this point. You need to move on for your own sanity and dignity- no matter how much the little slimeball begs or cries. And this is nothing to do with lockdown or mental health, it’s to do with him not respecting you and him wanting to shag other women.

You don’t need to ask him, he will lie, minimise or play the woe is me card again.

You have two choices leave him or stay with the serial cheat who knows he can get away with it and will do it time and time again. You need to decide what you want for you and what time of role model you want to give your child about what is normal in relationships.

Thank you for some home truths!

To answer a few Q's:

• Our Daughter started staying with my mother a while back as I work within the NHS and my mum had always had her as my child care during the day so instead bringing her home nearing her bedtime, she wanted to stay with her Nana and then my partner would pick her up the next day. This came originally from when my partner was working until late nights due to opening a gym franchise and my mum was taking my daughter off my hands for a night so enable me to do some jobs and have some 'me' time,

• Okay, Sorry the term I used "to forgive each other" wasn't the right choice of words, He had no reason to need to forgive me.

Op if you ask him your giving him a chance to lie again just tell him you know hes been lying and cheating and go from there. I know it's easy for me or anyone on here to tell you to ltb and its not always that simple esp with children involved but i hope you know that you really do deserve better than this. Also why do you say you decided to forgive one another?

Sorry op crossed posted with you there

I think you need to find some self respect and get rid.

You're worth more than this.

I wanted to ask him with the intentions of getting answers to all of it. I feel as though after everything that I have done over and over again with the forgiveness and giving him multiple chances that I wanted to know exactly what his reasons are, but I know deep down I am not going to get this and that I just need to walk away with no return

Drag your self respect off the floor....what on earth are you doing with this man? Who taught you that its ok to be treated like this? Get rid of him as soon as you can....no need to confront or ask anymore questions. Its over, move on.

I'm sorry but he is taking you for a mug. He cheats, you find out, he cries, you forgive and repeat!

He will continue to treat you like this as he can get away with doing it. There are no consequences for his actions!

How are you op x

Personally I would try and get more proof. Look at the expiry date on the condoms, if they were a box leftover from year ago they would likely be out of date or not have long left on them. They come with a few years I think.
Also, not unheard of to masterbate with one on. Called a posh wank I believe.

His track record doesnt make this look good but I would do some more investigation before jumping to conclusions.

He's been arranging meet ups with women and you don't use condoms? Have you both been tested?

Truthfully it doesn't even matter what shit he says now.
He has cheated on you in varying forms and you have seen all you need to see to prove that.
Why do blokes always trot out their mental health issues as an excuse for messaging or fucking other women?
I'm sure you have had moments of feeling low (mostly due to this waste of space you are living with) but you haven't turned to Tinder or paid men to send you their pants or whatever.
Who cares what his reasons even are, it doesn't change the fact that he did it.
What more do you need to find to come to the realisation that this man is cheating on you?
You sound lovely (STOP calling yourself a psycho as well! Men always call women that for being anxious or untrusting when the trust has been blown out of the water by them) so never mind 'growing some balls to ask him' - instead 'grow some tits' and kick him the fuck out.
You and your DD deserve more than him.