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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I grow some balls and confront him/ ask for clarity?

40 replies

Cloudy2224 · 08/02/2021 11:39

So I feel as though I am a bit of a Psycho at times and I am currently working with my partner to strengthen our relationship but I can't help but to have very little trust in him and I feel as though my gut instinct is screaming at me to tell me that something is not right.

So backstory...
My partner of 6 years and I have had a rocky relationship over the past year of so and we are currently focusing on dropping the past as the past and try and move on together... or so I thought we were, it seems as though it is a one-sided effort at the moment.

Our relationship over the past year had been broken due to me finding out that my partner had been chatting to girls over social media and arranging meet-ups with them when I wasn't around (basically acting as though I never existed and that he was a single guy).
I lost all of my trust within him and was absolutely broken. We had a break away from the relationship for around 3 months and slowly agreed to forgive each other and try and focus on starting afresh. However, I have been sneaky behind his back and I am fully aware that it was wrong of me, however, I had checked his phone a few times and had then found out that he was on Tinder under a different name (weird I know) and that he had created a snapchat and had been sending videos and pictures and had also paid for girls to send him things... Writing this makes my stomach literally turn!

I had confronted him about this and he absolutely balled his eyes out for days and couldn't apologise enough. Saying that it was his mental health effecting him due to lockdowns and that his business was slow, also due to lockdowns, and that it was just his stupid boredom. So I vowed to move on and forget about it once again...

Right so fast forward a couple of months...
(Even saying this sounds so silly to me but this is what my gut instinct is screaming to me about at the moment) Condoms - we don't use them, I have the Coil and we have been together for the past 6 years so we have never used them from after our little girl was born. There is a pack of unopened condoms in one of our drawers and when I was sorting out around a month ago I had noticed that they were opened.. So I counted them to see if any had been used... because they weren't being used with me. 1 was missing. Then a 2 weeks later, 3 was missing and then I had a blip yesterday and checked again and now there are only 6 left in a pack of 12 - meaning 6 others have been used/taken out...

So my heart sunk and I immediately began to feel hot and sweaty and shaky with a sick to the stomach feeling that I just went to bed and didn't speak to him. I work early mornings and have horses so I left this morning at 6am so I didn't speak to him either then and tbh I didn't have the balls to ask him about it either.

I have a really busy schedule at the moment due to working in the Hospital within the Covid Vaccination hubs and working different shifts and my little girl stays at my mums 2 nights a week due to me working 12+ hr shift when the hospital is absolutely desperate so that means that on those days he would have the house to himself. My mind is running away with itself and I feel myself getting more and more nervous to speak to him about it.

How do I overcome this and grow the balls to ask him about it?

I am just so bloody knackered and have so much low self esteem about my relationship at the moment and I cant stop myself from delving into the past as I keep finding things that he's hiding from me.

OP posts:

mylovelydd · 10/02/2021 13:41

@Polaris92 are you male?

His track record doesnt make this look good but I would do some more investigation before jumping to conclusions.

Increasingly missing condoms, purchasing items from women online, arranging meet-ups with women - there are NO other conclusions to get!
"Posh wank' is a myth. As if a man is bothered about cleaning up when he is masturbating Condoms dull the sensation why on earth would anyone bother if they were on their own?

DinosaurDiana · 10/02/2021 13:49

Don’t forgive him, kick him out. Then go for an STI test.

GappyValley · 10/02/2021 13:54

If you confront him, he will say he has been using them for a ‘posh wank’ and deny everything else.

What are you hoping he will do? Fess up and become a changed man?

The only possibly useful way to confront him would be tell him that you found them ages ago and have used a needle to punch holes in them, and then see if there is any look of panic in his face
Or to see if he phones anyone to warn them
And make sure you put holes in the remaining ones before you confront him, so he can check and verify the story

Cocopogo · 10/02/2021 13:54

You know what you need to do, you don’t need to ask random strangers on the internet. There’s no hope if women continue to allow men to treat them like this

Dery · 10/02/2021 14:47

You're not a psycho, OP. You're trying to have a relationship with a man who is persistently unfaithful. That's why you don't trust him and that's what's doing your head in. He's let you down too many times now.

It's not about having a conversation with him. It's about realising that this is him, he can't be trusted and you cannot waste any more tears and heartbreak on this man. So many men attribute their infidelity to MH issues. It's utter bollocks and you know he wouldn't stand for it if the tables were turned (and nor should he).

You split for 3 months last year - he persuaded you to drop the past and take him back and he was back to his tricks within a few months. Then you have a tearful confrontation. Then he's back at it again a few months later.

If you want any peace of mind, OP, you're going to have to end this. You want a partner you can trust. He is not that man.

Good luck, OP.

harknesswitch · 10/02/2021 21:03

Good god how many chances are you going to give him op?

Sort your finances out. Is the house mortgaged or rented, who's name is in the mortgage or tenancy? Take a few days to sort your shit out and the kick him out, or leave! You don't need to get him to admit it or have proof. Just tell him you won't stand to be treated so badly and that you know he's cheating and you're leaving him. Job done!

Closetbeanmuncher · 10/02/2021 21:58

I wouldn't even bother asking, all you'll get is more lies and crocodile tears.

Boot him out.

Mermaidwaves · 11/02/2021 02:37

It won't be a posh wank as suggested above. Do men really buy condoms to wank into? Nah, thats a cheaters excuse to explain missing condoms.

WhingingGiraffe · 11/02/2021 07:03

@Polaris92

Everything you have written is BS.

OP, your OH is not periodically throwing away out of date condoms or having a posh wank.

Agree with others, where is your fight? Throw the half empty packet at him and ask him to explain.

Floridaflipflops · 11/02/2021 07:13

OP I understand where your coming from. Essentially you don’t want to split up so your mind is telling you to ask for a reasonable explanation of why the condoms are missing so he can explain it all away and you can forgive him.

But he has at the point where he is not even hiding evidence now. He doesn’t care if you find out as he knows you will always forgive him and accept his lies/crying and move on.

Speak to your mum about it. Ask her advice. He still is cheating on you OP and being a single mother isn’t that bad

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 11/02/2021 07:34

Eunuch going to be able to do that...

Polaris92 · 11/02/2021 08:53

@WhingingGiraffe

No I meant if they are new ones then I'd be more suspicious than if they were ones that never got used from years ago. She said they used condoms at one point. I'd definitely be snooping through his phone at this point though.

IM0GEN · 11/02/2021 09:36

@Cloudy2224

I wanted to ask him with the intentions of getting answers to all of it. I feel as though after everything that I have done over and over again with the forgiveness and giving him multiple chances that I wanted to know exactly what his reasons are, but I know deep down I am not going to get this and that I just need to walk away with no return

You don’t need to ask him - I can give you the answer as to why he’s cheating on you.

It’s because he feels entitled to. He enjoys it. He loves the sex, the attention, the ego boost.

And most of all - the sense of power. Knowing that he has you working hard to pay the bills and at home to look after his child and keep the house nice and wash his pants. And being faithful to him.

That’s why he’s doing it.

If you ask him, he will tell you all the same reasons as last time .

List of Reasons 1. It’s your fault, you are imagining it, you are a crazy psycho with trust issues. You are a nutter who is stalking him online and breaking his trust by looking at his phone, you need to see a doctor because you are crazy.

List of Reasons 2. You are a liar because you promised to work on your relationship ( no doubt for the sake for your child ), forget the past and trust him ( despite all the evidence that he’s not trustworthy ) and you have not. You’ve still not got over your issues.

Then as a soon as you confront him with the online profiles it will be List Of Reason No. 3. It was just a laugh, to booze my self esteem , I’m depressed , my mate stole my phone. I would never have gone through with it.

Then when you confront him with proof and say you are leaving, you will get List Of Reasons 4. Which also can be summed up as your fault. You made me do it because

you didn’t give me enough attention / sex / listen to me enough / understand me
I felt squeezed out by your job / mother / friends / child
you let yourself go ( = your body changed after you made another human and you are not in the gym all day like me )
you were always nagging me
you always judge me and don’t give me a chance
you can’t get over the past, nothing I ever do is good enough for you

So there’s your reasons OP. How do I know ? It’s because it’s called the cheaters script and they all say exactly the same thing. Read the Chump Lady website ‘ lose a Cheater gain a life ‘. Or Baggage reclaim .

Every single woman on MN always gets cheated on for exactly the same reason. Their might be a small variation ( I cheated on you because you were too busy caring for your dying mother / getting cancer treatment in hospital ) but they all boil down to:

I didn’t do it
OK I did it but it’s your fault

So get your ducks in a row and get out as fast as you can. You have a beautiful child, a good job and a supportive family. You can make a whole new life for yourself without this arsehole.

Oh and ignore the tears. I’d cry too If someone threatened to remove my free housekeeper and child minder.

“ How can we move on babe and have a beautiful future together when you are just clinging to the past ? You are making yourself unhappy. You are so amazing and wonderful, all I want is to be with you “

You see, words are cheap . I can say these to you right now, it costs me nothing. If you were here right now I could hold you hands, look meaningfully in your eyes, with my eyes full of tears.

It means nothing. Because it’s not backed up with action. Liars lie and he will go on lying to you and cheating on you until you have a breakdown.

Please get out now. You and your colleagues in the NHS are going to save us all from this pandemic and you are fucking amazing. You deserve a great life without this cheating bastard.

Hailtomyteeth · 11/02/2021 09:43

You don't ask.
You already know.
He is cheating. Behaving like a single man.
You don't matter to him. Awful. But clear from his behaviour.
Gather your dignity, sort out a life for you, and ditch him. Soon.

MrsVogon · 11/02/2021 09:48

@Cloudy2224

OP, unfortunately with lying and cheating weasels like this, you will never get the answers. This is NONE of your fault whatsoever, it is all HIM.

The reasons are irrelevant and he will just throw up all the excuses such as his MH and then will start blaming you. You need to let go of searching for those answers and work on your future. You deserve better than this.

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