Has anyones selfish OH ever changed?

[Jasminexx]

Hi sorry for the rant that I am about to write lol.I've been with my OH for 3 half years we have a DD together and i have a DD from previous relationship. I feel that when you have a family you naturally prioritise them first, your family including partner, career, home, friends and hobbies in that order although I get everyone is different. However I just feel he prioritises himself constantly. Due to covid I've barely worked and he is still working and paying the bills as am not entitled to anything as not long being self employed before it happened. He knows I have no income but would never think to ask if I need anything or the kids. After he pays the bills he literally spends every last penny on himself. When DD was born he never thought to get me a card or even a box if chocolates but spent £250 on fishing stuff the day after for himself. I've been saying for so long how I need a bigger car as i do food shops and take kids around etc and instead of focusing on me getting a car we had to get him one first and it couldn't be just any car it has to be a really expensive flash car and I said so now you have yours can we work towards mine? Lately he's talking about selling and upgrading, he's had it 4 months!! What about my car! When we moved into our new house he said the garage was his even though I've always said I'd love a gym but it just went without saying that he got the garage and when I said I wanted to put a treadmill in there so I can lose the baby weight, he said I was selfish and out of order. He is happy for me to do all the cleaning, cooking, washing and work partime and I get no praise or anything. I got a new job just 3months after dd was born I felt pressured because I had no money and he use to tell everyone how he pays for everything and when we would argue if we spoke about breaking up he says he keeps the house because he pays all the bills so I wanted my own money and when I got the job he never even said congratulations. He is good with the kids and if I say they need something then he will get it but ultimately he will prioritise himself first. He's always buying something new and expensive and is never happy with anything he gets, obsessed with hobbies and I just feel my life revolves around him. He's always whinging about work, whinging he can't do his hobbies like he once did, moaning about this or that and I have to listen to it all but if I am ever down or fed up he doesn't listen and basically just ignores how I feel, totally lacks empathy for me. The list could go on, the thing is I've told him how unhappy I am and he actually thinks our relationship is fine. So I want to know has anyone had a selfish partner and have they changed at all and if so how?

I think selfish partners are difficult to change. But my friend has had some improvement with her partner after she explained her PND was getting worse due to his inattention. This would mean that ultimately she would not be able to look after their children, he would have to stop working to do childcare. As this was something he could not bear, he started being a bit more helpful around the house. Being selfish he saw there was a disadvantage to him through his selfish behaviour!

I am not excusing your partner's behaviour as from what you have written he does not sound considerate. But, here are some questions to consider:

• Has he had experience of what you do all day? E.g. have you given him the kids to look after for a day or two with no involvement from you? This sometimes helps partners understand how hard it is being a SAHM, otherwise some men think it's a holiday on their dime

• Is it possible he's suffering from depression? He's whingeing about work and spending money (maybe) in a reckless way? This can sometimes be a symptom as people use money to fill some void in their life

• Has he got single man syndrome? IE he's not yet "understood" he's now a family man that has other priorities? Is there anyone in his family like his mum or dad that you can rope in to chat with him?

• Why does he think the relationship is fine? Did he say anything in response to your concerns?

• I think it's a bit financially and emotionally coercive to talk like that about the house, it would make me feel trapped and like my partner doesn't respect me. Have you ever had a discussion about money, how you intended to split money and what his suggestions about it were? It seems a bit unfair that you would not get any input into financial decision making or money from the shared pot for some personal expenditure.

Sending you hugs and good vibes.

Hi, yes so I have thought he may suffer from depression as he is so self consumed and I know depression can do that I've also wondered if he has any mental health issues as hes very up and down, takes he's anger out on me a lot and goes through long periods of being very down and extremely off with me. I think he knows the is something not right but as much as I've tried to help him he won't do anything about it, I've explained maybe go see a shrink or go the doctors but he just won't do anything and it is very draining. He knows how hard it is with the kids because sometimes he does look after them on his own and will complain how hectic it can be and we have had discussions about his spending and he knows he is constantly buying new expensive things and he does admit that he's never happy with what he has but again I can't really do much as he hold me responsible for any stress or moods he has and takes it out on me. It is literally like living with 2 different people, when I fist met him he was a world away from this, I actually don't recognise or like who is today. I don't think he handles stress well and think the stress of getting a new home and becoming a dad may have hit him hard but where do you go from here. My happiness is suffering, the is no room for me to ever feel upset or room for my needs because its all about how he's feeling or his needs and wants, he is just extremely inconsiderate so I don't know if he catfished me at the start and was amazing just to win me over and this is actually the real him or if the real him was who I fell for and there's something wrong. It's very hard to talk to him because although he will admit at times his behaviour is not right he won't do nothing about it and we go round in circles. Never apologies even when his blatantly in the wrong. I work part time and I earn a very good wage just for part time work and I have used all the money I make on the furniture for the house, the food shop, the kids, trips etc as obviously I still earn less then him but I only work part time so he can still have his career yet the is no appreciation that I can't exceed in my career so that he can have his or that all the money I do have I literally spend on the house the kids and everyone else. I just feel as though he's always against me if that makes sense. He didn't have a great childhood so I know that effects him and he's never had a stable relationship before me and to him this is a good relationship but I know it's not. As long as he is happy then the relationship is good but I just get left behind all the time, my need and wants or emotions just don't seem to matter to him but I know he would never leave me and I do think he loves me I just don't know if he's extremely selfish or if the is something wrong. He always running out here and there doing things with his car or having to see this mate or that mate and he doesn't even ask if I dotn mind watching the kids he just literally does as he pleases and I just have to watch them, he gets in moods iver anything and acts quite spoilt if he doesn't get his own way and basically yeah I just feel this whole relationship is based on him and his needs.

Sorry just to point out although I earn good money through my work Covid has Interferred with it massively and I income during the lockdowns as I got a new self employed job but when I do work I earn a good wage and defintley pull my weight as much as I can finicially

I doubt he'll change. He doesn't see the children as his responsibility, and he doesn't see you all as a family.

Sorry to hear all this OP. I am not going to unequivocally tell you to LTB because I'm not living your relationship day to day.

If it were me, I would see if I can spend some time at a relative's to get space, get a rest and just reset a bit emotionally. I'd be clear that I'm not having my needs met in this situation, I am interested in reconciliation/working things out but some things need to be addressed re: mental health, money, etc. I'd give my partner a chance to come to their senses and hope the shock enticed them into making a change in their lives for the better. With depression the person in question needs to commit to making a change themselves... having said that, I took vows, in sickness and in health, and I wouldn't totally abandon them for that reason.

Now, the above is a gamble because it could end up with you breaking up. So, it's spoken from a position of privilege because I probably could financially support my child / get help my relatives if it came to that. Some women can't take the financial burden and will put up with an inattentive partner to give their kids a better chance in life.

Playing devil's advocate... my mum stayed with my dad under similar circumstances and I sometimes wish she hadn't. We experienced a lot of arguments as kids. And, some on here might say if the shoe was on the other foot, and he felt like this about you, would he stay or would he go?

The only person that will truly know what to do is you. Hang in there and know that you deserve to be listened to and respected!

"Hi, yes so I have thought he may suffer from depression as he is so self consumed and I know depression can do that I've also wondered if he has any mental health issues as hes very up and down, takes he's anger out on me a lot and goes through long periods of being very down and extremely off with me".

He sounds like selfishness personified and such men do not change. Why are you at all with him now, what sort of an example of a relationship are you also showing them?. Is this really the model you want to teach them, perhaps you were taught this yourself when you were growing up.

Given the above he sounds more abusive towards you than depressed. He gets his own needs met with you people being way down the priority list even if you are on it. This whole thing is based on and around him and his needs. He is basically saying sod you to you and these children.

Abusive men are depressed because they are angry (and you are his target) not because they are depressed.

No my parents have been together 34 years and my dad would literally bend over backwards for my mum and us and that's what I would expect from a man. I suppose am Still with him because he was not like this when I met him and when we are good we are amazing together but the last 2 years he's really changed and I suppose you hope he can change back. Its hard at the moment with not having any savings behind me and Covid preventing me from working but as soon as I can work am going to save as much as I can and if things don't change or he refuses to do something about it then I will leave. I can finicially support us if I can go to work at least 4 days a week and get maintenance of him as he does get paid well. Yeah your right if it is depression I guess am the target of it. Thanks

Doesn’t sound like depression to me - he has lots of enthusiasm for anything to do with HIM. Why the rush to label mean, selfish , unkind behaviour as ‘depression’? Call it what it is - plain old selfishness. Me me me. I’d be amazed if he changed, why should he? It works for him - and if he can change, why was he such a shit all this time?

Yeah, sorry I didn't read this and immediately label OP's partner as a horrible abuser. He might be but none of us actually know him! And life isn't always black and white.

Just saying that there are sometimes underlying reasons why someone might be irritable/angry/compulsively spend money... Especially as he wasn't this way at the start of their relationship.

Once you start earning again you need to build up some savings.
Personally I'd be very vague about your earnings.
He sounds selfish. My df is a lovely man but when we were dc he would spend any spare money on himself without a thought for his dc material needs.
My dm went to work to clothe us.
My df would give me his last penny now. So he did change but not until we were adults.

Hes just a selfish person. They don't change.
He was pretending to be nice at first to win you over.
How he is now is who he truly is.

Do you own the house you're in now?

If he has been like this for 2 years and you’ve only been together 3.5 I’d assume the issue is that he was on good behaviour for the first year esp as presumably you didn’t live together yet.

He just sounds selfish with little respect for you.

No

You are with Mr Wrong. I do not have to know him personally to recognise the type of man that he really is. There are plenty of red flags fluttering around him as it is.

When someone tells you by both word and deed who they are it pays to listen.

Stop making excuses for him like he is depressed (he is not) or he had a poor childhood. Lots of people have been both depressed and have had poor childhoods and choose to not act like this man does towards you. He is as happy as a clam because he has you really where he wants you; seemingly trapped, without much money to your name and under his coercive control. Do these children have his surname as well; if so that was another bit of power here all too easily handed over to him.

This example of a relationship is absolutely no relationship model to show your children. Would you be wanting them to act like this man does or be on the receiving end of this treatment of you as adults?. No you would not but currently at least you are showing them that this is still acceptable to you.

Wishing someone else would change as well does not work. This is who he is; a thoroughly self absorbed and selfish individual who is only thinking of number 1 here i.e his own self. He wants a new car, the fact that you need a car is immaterial to him. Such men as well never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Another red flag here amongst many here re him is that he is making you responsible for any stress or moods he has and takes it out on you. He was indeed on his best behaviour when he met you but it was an act and one at that he has not been able to maintain.

Just saying that there are sometimes underlying reasons why someone might be irritable/angry/compulsively spend money... Especially as he wasn't this way at the start of their relationship.

Abusive men do not all walk around with abuser written on their forehead and many of them are quite plausible to those in the outside world. He put on an act of niceness for you but you are really now seeing his true nature particularly now you've had a child by him. He thinks you're trapped. HE thinks the relationship is fine also because he has you where he wants you; he has the vast amount of power and control here and he knows it as well.

hes very up and down, takes he's anger out on me a lot and goes through long periods of being very down and extremely off with me.

Sounds more like he’s abusive than ‘MH issues’.

This must be terribly difficult for you to process. 18 months was probably all he could muster to mask his real personality. I would suggest like you have done and that is to go back to work as much as possible and save. See how things have gone throughout that time and if no change is apparent then look at separating. You obviously broach the subject of separating when you argue so it wont come as a shock to him. So, just suck it up for now knowing that you will leave when you are ready.

Some men do change, but from experience, these are also the men who WANT to change. It doesn't sound like your DH does.

My H used to do way less until many convos later, and lockdown, showed him how hard it is. He now tries to do his fair share.

The key difference here was:

• I was previously too controlling about the DC so I had to let go and let him learn.
• I never put my foot down about things being 'fair'.
• He never had to run the house so he didn't know how much work it takes.
• When I stopped doing everything, he realised that he still wanted things done so he started doing them.
• He WANTED (and this is the key) me to be happier.

It sounds like your husband is very selfish. If when you talk to him, he doesn't realise this, I don't think it is possible for him to change.

Ultimately, you have to put your foot down. Things change or you walk. And you have to mean it. When you do that you'll find out very quickly whether he will change or not. Obviously I'm not suggesting that you set this ultimatum, but that's how most men get the shock they need to change, or you get the realization they won't.

Also, this financial situation doesn't sound fair at all. You need to have a household pot, especially if you have taken time off working full time to look after your child.

I have witnessed many of these "selfish" men, they aren't stupid.

What they is theirs, all the assets remain in their name, they won't marry. Meanwhile the woman has the kids, has sole responsibility for the childcare and domestic work and has to work for £ and she has to pay for everything for herself and the kids apart from when he wants to be a Disney Dad.

He has you being nanny and housekeeper and out earning money to contribute towards shared costs.

Do you even have time for a hobby?? No doubt you are too busy doing everything else .

No.

@hibernatingmama has hit on the key point: "He WANTED (and this is the key) me to be happier."

I left my ex largely because he was selfish and self absorbed. When I tried to explain/reason/argue/persuade him to do more, he only did it out of guilt or to shut me up temporarily. Then he would 'forget' or find an excuse. It never ever occurred to him that making me happy as his wife was a valuable thing (note i did a LOT to make him happy over the years). He only saw it as a burden and an interference with his life. Unless someone gets the importance of making others happy he will never change.

If I was you OP, I'd sit and do the maths, in terms of who's spent how much on what, who's contributed what in terms of childcare, housework etc and balance it out against paid employment. Give him harsh facts in black and white on paper and then see what he has to say about you being selfish.

Op, he just sounds like an abusive man, textbook actually.

Lovely at the start and then when you're hooked he reverts to type. Jekyll and Hyde is common expression for those living with a toxic person. Ultimately it's about him and his needs. Sometimes your agendas might align so you get the best of him but mostly he will not treat you well.

Unless he is very young, willing to accept accountability and keen to make the relationship work he is very unlikely to change. I suspect his father or mother were similar and he is just mirroring behaviour he has watched in its childhood.

You will need to be financially independent so hopefully you'll be able to earn your own money again. Tell family so they know what you are going through

I forgot to add 🤦🏼‍♀️ he will then meet some single woman and shag her, leaving you high and dry homeless. Seen it so many times!