Has anyones selfish OH ever changed?

[Jasminexx]

Hi sorry for the rant that I am about to write lol.I've been with my OH for 3 half years we have a DD together and i have a DD from previous relationship. I feel that when you have a family you naturally prioritise them first, your family including partner, career, home, friends and hobbies in that order although I get everyone is different. However I just feel he prioritises himself constantly. Due to covid I've barely worked and he is still working and paying the bills as am not entitled to anything as not long being self employed before it happened. He knows I have no income but would never think to ask if I need anything or the kids. After he pays the bills he literally spends every last penny on himself. When DD was born he never thought to get me a card or even a box if chocolates but spent £250 on fishing stuff the day after for himself. I've been saying for so long how I need a bigger car as i do food shops and take kids around etc and instead of focusing on me getting a car we had to get him one first and it couldn't be just any car it has to be a really expensive flash car and I said so now you have yours can we work towards mine? Lately he's talking about selling and upgrading, he's had it 4 months!! What about my car! When we moved into our new house he said the garage was his even though I've always said I'd love a gym but it just went without saying that he got the garage and when I said I wanted to put a treadmill in there so I can lose the baby weight, he said I was selfish and out of order. He is happy for me to do all the cleaning, cooking, washing and work partime and I get no praise or anything. I got a new job just 3months after dd was born I felt pressured because I had no money and he use to tell everyone how he pays for everything and when we would argue if we spoke about breaking up he says he keeps the house because he pays all the bills so I wanted my own money and when I got the job he never even said congratulations. He is good with the kids and if I say they need something then he will get it but ultimately he will prioritise himself first. He's always buying something new and expensive and is never happy with anything he gets, obsessed with hobbies and I just feel my life revolves around him. He's always whinging about work, whinging he can't do his hobbies like he once did, moaning about this or that and I have to listen to it all but if I am ever down or fed up he doesn't listen and basically just ignores how I feel, totally lacks empathy for me. The list could go on, the thing is I've told him how unhappy I am and he actually thinks our relationship is fine. So I want to know has anyone had a selfish partner and have they changed at all and if so how?

The house is in his name as my credit wasn't great but I did put half of the deposit in and paid just as much to get the house done. Since Covid he's had to pay the house bills as my works been effected and I went self employed not long before it started so not entitled to anything really and because of that he says if we split he would keep the house and just give me back what I've put in. I think really I should stay in thst house as its the children's home and next to their schools and nursery. He would never split with me I think he says this because he knows am obviously thinking of leaving him.

Is the house rented or mortgaged?

So you aren't on the deeds even though you put a lump sum in. Another way to keep you trapped!

Thanks everyone for your input, I totally see why people say he is just selfish and I think it's not soemthing you want to come to terms with initially but as time is progressing he is not changing. I am going back to work and saving as much as I can and if he doesn't change or want to change than I will go. Am actually very independent and financially have always been OK, suppose when you have kids though normally it's the woman's career it takes a toll on. I am going to sit down with him and ask him straight that if he has got any MH issues to go get help if not then I guess he's actually just a selfish person and I will go. Irs not excuses but he has told me that he doesn't know why he has changed and that he doesn't understand why he is the way he is but wither way he changes or once I've saved enough il be leaving.

Had he agreed to pay half the childcare costs when you return to work?

The house is mortgaged. Ideally I think we should sell and split the money 50/50 but he's saying he won't do that if we did split and that I'd only get back what I've put in but thats the deposit and furniture. I think he thinks because I had bad credit I might be scared to leave as I might not get a mortgage on my own. It's fine I can rent or if I save a deposit my parents would get the house for me and obviously I pay the mortgage on it, he did actually say to me once that if I left I wouldn't be able to finicially cope without him because he's paying the house bills and asked me what I would do. I told him the same thing, I've told him il be fine and that I would never stay with someone just because of money. I just need to save as much as u can and have serious discussion with him

Hi OP, thought I would reach out to you because when I first started reading this I thought gosh this sounds exactly like MY life almost to a tee. Short answer is NO, they never change they get even worse over time. From further research and through several solo therapy / relationship counselling sessions, I'm 100% convinced my H is a narcissist. I'm currently planning my exit strategy because this is not the life I envisioned for myself/ new baby.

A bit about him- My H is absolutely selfish and completely self centred. And like yours, he was never like this to begin with. Soon as we got married (literally the week we came back from honeymoon and we moved in together) he was trying to force me to sell my perfectly fine 10 year old car so we could buy him a family car, and he didn't want to be seen in anything less than his dream car, a Range Rover, of which he demanded I pay half for on finance. He harassed me for a long time but I refused (luckily I hate debt so it was a no brainer me). He even insisted that since I refuse to contribute to his dream car, not only can I not drive the car (which i was fine with, as I love my car) but I also shouldn't even think about sitting in his car at all - I guess as punishment. I guess we would arrive to the destination in separate cars. To top it off, he said when the new car arrives I can't use the designated parking spot despite being six months pregnant at the time. I would have to park my "junk of a car" outside somewhere and walk home in the dark if need be (even after baby is born), which i said was fine as it meant he would stop harassing me. Anyway, he went ahead and applied for financing himself but they rejected his application and covid hit as well, which for him was a blessing in disguise because imagine paying almost £800 a month (inc insurance & other costs) for a car you can't drive and enjoy lol. Anyway fast forward a year later we are both driving my junk of a car for the weekly shop.

Mind you, this was just in the first few weeks of marriage - its been a year of even worse things happening on a daily basis to the point where I've given up completely. You give an inch they take a mile - on EVERYTHING! Anyway sorry to hijack your post. Good luck OP x

He won't change.

I think you need to be mindful that only one or the children is biologically his -

When you say you should get to keep the house because of the children - be aware he doesn’t have a legal obligation to house your child.

@DesparadoNewlywed ohh gosh he sounds worse. That particular scenario is disgusting. Mine would never do something like that and I don't actually think he is a narcissist as he doesn't really fit the criteria with other behaviour, he's not very controlling, he doesn't gas light, I don't think he's too bothered what I spend my money on because I don't think he cares enough to pay attention what's going on in my life because he's so wrapped up in his own. I know he can be a bit paranoid and I do think that stems from bad past relationships and feeling abandoned by his parents when he was young but other than being a bit paranoid I think he does either have some kind of MH as his mood swings and constant up down behaviour with his complete lack of empathy towards me and constant blaming me for everything or he's just a selfish spoilt git. You do defintley need to get out and I will be going too. Am going to save and in that time I will talk to him and try to get to the root of it and if nothing changes by the time I've saved then it's time to move on. I think we always hold on for a while because you think this isn't the real them they will change back, the must be something going on for them to behave like this but some people are just narcissists and some are just very selfish and will always prioritise themselves and use people to their advantage. I literally feel drained after 2 years of living on his roller-coaster ride of emotions. The ups and downs the months of him acting depressed but taking it out on me, listening to him talk about himself constantly and what he needs and how fed up he is he can't do all his hobbies or how he's got this new idea and that new idea and needs to buy this or buy that, listening to him whinge about what ever it is bothering him day in day out! As soon as I ever say am tired or ill or drained and feeling low, literally not interested and shows no kind of support or empathy even when I have rwlaly rwlaly needed him he's not been there for me. They just zap you of your energy and you can't keep up with them.

Perhaps your best bet is to speak to a lawyer to find out where you stand re the house and maintenance for your lo, especially if you’re not married. Then start saving as much as you can, it looks like you’re going to need it.

Did you protect your deposit? Is there anything in writing to say you gave the deposit?

You will not be entitled to the house and if you can't afford to pay for it then it won't be possible If he gives you back the deposit and furniture and you haven't contributed to bills then hopefully you are not too much out of pocket.

To feel so drained at 3.5 years in is a major red flag. Most of us get there after many more years.

Many women think their selfish partners will change. I am not sure it's possible. Ex had years of counselling but he didn't see that he had a problem, he had a problem with how I felt about his selfish behaviour.

Once you realise that he does want everything to be about him and your needs will always be secondary to his it makes the picture clearer.

Btw, the control and gaslighting usually kick in when they realise you are considering leaving. In your case he may think you don't have options, especially with a tiny baby and no income.

@goody2shooz he will give me back what I've put in and he will pay maintance am confident of that but I don't think he will sell the house and split the money down the middle or let me stay in it as the house is in his name especially if I am fgeone to decide to leave as I don't hr would ever leave me so I think he would be hurt and angry. As long as I get back what I put in and save il just go. Just sad really as its not what I want I would prefer to work it out and hope that things can change it just feels more and more like things pro ably won't change as people are saying selfishness in Ingrained in people and usually they have to wsnt to change and put others before themselves