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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anybody up?

33 replies

AnybodyElse · 08/02/2021 03:03

My long term relationship is imploding. I am non-contact with my family and I don't really have any close friends. Could do with some company.

OP posts:
beccahamlet · 08/02/2021 03:08

I am here. Sorry you're feeling lonely.

Original poster
AnybodyElse · 08/02/2021 03:10

Thank you, beccahamlet.

OP posts:
AubergineIsMyFavourite · 08/02/2021 03:12

I’m sorry you are having a hard time.

Just take one minute, one hour at a time. Don’t look too far ahead. Was in a similar situation once and it felt so overwhelming until I realised I only had to get through one hour at a time. Made it more manageable.

Look after yourself OP.

beccahamlet · 08/02/2021 03:20

That's really good advice Aubergine. It's so hard when you're in a horrible situation like that to see any light at the end of the tunnel. It really is a matter of taking tiny steps forward and really looking after yourself. X

yvanka · 08/02/2021 03:24

Sorry that you're going through this. Good advice from Aubergine - take it slowly and be kind to yourself. Time really does heal everything, one day you will suddenly realise that you've not thought about him in weeks and your life is much better for it.

Original poster
AnybodyElse · 08/02/2021 03:24

Thank you both.

He's told his son we're having issues so although counselling is arranged, it feels like he's made his mind up. Things weren't perfect but he has turned so much colder so suddenly.

OP posts:
Hufflepuffmamma · 08/02/2021 03:26

@AnybodyElse here also.

Really shit :( . Well you have us !! Advice given already is on point!! How are your day times at minute? What get’s you through a day?

Original poster
AnybodyElse · 08/02/2021 03:26

I'm 45 and fugly. How the hell do I start over again at this point?

OP posts:
Original poster
AnybodyElse · 08/02/2021 03:27

Days are a bit all over the place at the moment. I work from home. This week I'm working overnight.

OP posts:
AubergineIsMyFavourite · 08/02/2021 03:29

@beccahamlet So true. I know everyone goes on about self-care and it all feels like a cliche but it does work. It’s ok to stand still for a while. No big decisions. Think we often put ourselves under pressure to fix things or change things but actually it is good to pause for a while and simply breathe.

yvanka · 08/02/2021 03:30

Better 45 than 65! He's shown you who he is and done you a favour by not wasting any more of your time.

If it would help to talk about it, please feel free to list his negative qualities and we will tell you how much of a dickhead he is Smile

Original poster
AnybodyElse · 08/02/2021 03:31

He's normally the person I would talk to at the end of my week. Unload. Have a laugh. Now he doesn't want to know.

OP posts:
AubergineIsMyFavourite · 08/02/2021 03:34

Because you don’t have to start over again today. Or tomorrow OP. It’s only natural to want to make a situation better or to fix it somehow. That happens naturally over time. Things change. Move on. You don’t need to do anything right now. except look after you.

Sounds like establishing a routine is difficult at the moment? Working overnight is hard. Thoughts are difficult to control at night.

Hufflepuffmamma · 08/02/2021 03:34

You start right there :- how you see yourself as fugly!!

I started again a bit younger -31 but utterly convinced ( I really mean it ) that I was to be left in an abyss of abject misery forever - along and unloved .

Anyway long story short - I am
now happily married it is 🤢 to most people. I mean knowing how to be happy has shocked me!! It took a while for he to trust it. I also have friends now- I couldn’t by when I was utterly miserable.

Self care sounds cheesy but does help - kind words to self are included in this!!!!

You are NOT FUGLY!!

Hufflepuffmamma · 08/02/2021 03:38

@AnybodyElse if he is the person you talk to usually. Well done for posting here !! See you’ve just taken 1 step :)!

Sorry about my typing errors - trying to balance a tea in dark and not wake anyone.

yvanka · 08/02/2021 03:38

It's such difficult timing with lockdown as well. When I was going through a breakup, I sent myself voicenotes on WhatsApp just pouring my heart out. If there really is no one you'd feel comfortable reaching out to, I would suggest that - it's very healing just to ramble and work through how you feel.

Hufflepuffmamma · 08/02/2021 03:39

@yvanka

It's such difficult timing with lockdown as well. When I was going through a breakup, I sent myself voicenotes on WhatsApp just pouring my heart out. If there really is no one you'd feel comfortable reaching out to, I would suggest that - it's very healing just to ramble and work through how you feel.
This is a great idea !!
Original poster
AnybodyElse · 08/02/2021 03:47

Thank you, you are all kind. I don't know what self care is at the moment. I'm trying to watch a film I'm not concentrating on and I've got a massive vodka and cola.

I confronted him after hearing from his son that he'd said we were having "a wobble". He wouldn't upset his son if he didn't mean business. He left. Fair enough. He needs to be up early.

This wasn't exactly sudden in some ways. We've had differences over sex for quite a while. But he was still snuggling into me with puppy eyes until very suddenly at the end of last year. Yet he has just said things have never been great and he only stayed with me because I was suicidally depressed for a few months a couple of years into our relationship. 8 years down the drain.

OP posts:
yvanka · 08/02/2021 03:56

He has just said things have never been great and he only stayed with me because I was suicidally depressed

Don't you love it when the rubbish takes itself out... What a charmer Hmm I wouldn't pay any notice to that tbh, it sounds like he was trying to blame you for his decision. The fact that his son actually reached out to you when he heard about this shows that you are a lovely person and he is not.

Original poster
AnybodyElse · 08/02/2021 04:04

His son didn't exactly reach out. His son contacted me about a hobby we both do that I have more knowledge in because he wanted some advice. An autocorrect led to a joke about the state of my life at the moment and he responded that he knew what I was referring to.

I am fond of his son and will stay in contact if he wants to.

OP posts:
yvanka · 08/02/2021 04:07

Trying to make it work with someone you aren't sexually compatible with is soul destroying. Been there, never again! Honestly after the breakup the sense of relief was massive just that I didn't have to look at it any more Grin

Original poster
AnybodyElse · 08/02/2021 04:23

Hope I can feel like that.

What initially caused ructions, sexually, was the sulking if things didn't go exactly the way he wanted to. I have had physical problems that haven't made sex easy, admittedly, but there has also been an element of avoiding it altogether rather than being made to feel useless. Most other things, I am assertive and stand up for myself but sex is an area that my parents taught me to view as dirty and wrong and I can't deal with conflict in that area like a sensible person.

It's the companionship that I thought we had, although apparently we now never did, that I will miss.

OP posts:
yvanka · 08/02/2021 04:58

I hope that reading that back, you can see how messed up it is. Sulking when you don't want sex and making you feel useless are not normal behaviours from someone who loves you.

Losing the companionship will certainly be an adjustment, but it's routine just like everything else. You will soon find your new normal to get through lockdown and before you know it the weather will be warmer, the world will be open again and you will be able to do fun things - like go on a date and do your hobby? Smile

What is your hobby, if you don't mind me asking? Is it something there's an online forum for, where you can chat about it? That would be an idea to take your mind off him and meet some likeminded people.

Chiccie · 08/02/2021 05:34

I’m awake if you need an ear

jammydoggers1922 · 08/02/2021 05:40

Hi op I hope your ok . You will be I promise . I have had so many years of feeling the way you do and what I have learnt is no man can fix the way you are feeling . You have to do that by your self . I know it's hard and it could take you years to get there but you will ❤️. Worse thing to do when your feeling the way you are is drinking . It always makes me worse . Xxx

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