Is this emotional abuse?

[ILoveCake12]

So whenever there's an argument in the house, which there are plenty of just now, usually between my DD (aged 18) and my DH, my DH will storm upstairs and will give us the silent treatment for hours on end and usually overnight. My DD and often I end up apologising and pleading with him to forgive us but he'll just continue to be silent. He's in bed now and I'm going to sleep downstairs because I just cannot stand to go up and received the silent treatment overnight and into tomorrow. I am sitting in tears again feeling like absolute crap. I am so fed up begging for forgiveness and I absolutely hate the way he makes me and my DD feel.

It's definitely emotional abuse. Do you feel able to leave?

Is your DH the father of your DD ? In a way it doesn’t matter as it is dreadful behaviour but it would help clarify the situation.

No, I really don't feel financially or emotionally able to leave. I'm not particularly close to my family so would have nowhere to go.

What a childish prick, and it's madness to pander to this absurd passive-aggressive behaviour. I'd be telling him to start acting like an adult or he can leave. Stop walking on eggshells in your own home.

Yes, he is her father and she is rude at times and I end up getting involved because of how he deals with it all.

Why do you bother apologising if it doesn't work?

What kind of example are you setting for your DD? That if a man gets angry then you cry and beg for his forgiveness. She will end up in very unhealthy relationships.

@yvanka

Why do you bother apologising if it doesn't work?

What kind of example are you setting for your DD? That if a man gets angry then you cry and beg for his forgiveness. She will end up in very unhealthy relationships.

I get that. I worry about what sort of relationship she will have when she's older.

Have you looked up Narcissistic Personallity Disorder as this is one of the signs.

If he ignores you and doesn't speak just do the same back you him. He will soon learn

Oh yes. that's emotional abuse, of both you and your dd.

Why are you begging him to forgive you - what are these arguments about?

@boredwiththeoldname

Oh yes. that's emotional abuse, of both you and your dd.

Why are you begging him to forgive you - what are these arguments about?

You know I can't even remember now. Something really unimportant and he came back with a very nasty insult which both myself and my DD found offensive. He said he just wanted her to realise that what she says can cause offense too. Because I took offence at his insult, he's gone off in a strop.

@yvanka

Why do you bother apologising if it doesn't work?

What kind of example are you setting for your DD? That if a man gets angry then you cry and beg for his forgiveness. She will end up in very unhealthy relationships.

Don't know where the angry faces came from! Sorry!

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. This relationship between you and he is over because of the abuse he metes out not just to you but in turn your DD as well.

You and in turn your DD are indeed being emotionally abused. She is also learning from you about relationships and you are also imparting damaging lessons to her. You are indeed right to think about what sort of relationships she could have when she is older.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.
I would urge you to seek support from the likes of Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations. The latter can give legal advice.
Alternatively you can go to Boots and ask for Ani, the staff will then direct you to one of their consultation rooms where you can access domestic violence support services.

You and your DD both absolutely deserve better than this, it is an awful way to live. Please leave him

@yvanka

You and your DD both absolutely deserve better than this, it is an awful way to live. Please leave him

This. I know it must be upsetting to read these posts, but please take them seriously.

My ex used to do this as well. It's also known as 'stonewalling'. He used to just go all night long giving me the silent treatment. Deliberately ignoring all my messages and calls. It's cruel and definitely emotional and mental abuse. It's also controlling because it would always be on his terms, how long he would ignore me for and then when he decided to talk to me again. I would go frantic when he was ignoring me. I'd hate it. I'd chase him and message him and call him all night. I knew what I was doing was wrong and I'd lost all my self respect , but I had that thing we're I loved him and I hated him ignoring me. It's also really childish and emotionally immature that he sulks and is incapable of communicating a problem like an adult and in the mature and healthy way. It is also selfish and making everything about his feelings, when he has to consider yours in that situation as well. I know it's easier said than done but I'd try and think about leaving him. This will most probably never stop. If not, try confronting him about it and tell him it's wrong and he cannot do that. I tried doing it with my ex , he said he understood and wouldn't do it again , but it always happened - amongst other things. Hense why he's my ex now xx

It is certainly passive greasiness behaviour and used to punish and manipulate you.

He needs to be able to communicate like an adult instead of behaving in a controlling way.

Knowing what I know now from the misery I endured for years because of a PA ex I’d tell him seriously and calmly to be in no doubt that the next time he did it the marriage would be over. And I’d stick to it. It’s no life, op, there’s a much better and less stressful life out here away from him.

he's gone off in a strop

Ok - how would you deal with a child who has gone off in a silent stop? Would you run after them and apologise or would you blithely ignore it and let them stew in their own juice?

Have you ever tried taking no notice of his stone walling, and just carried on as normal?

I hope you dont met your daughter appologise when she is not in the wrong.

Make it clear in future that that is absolutely not something she should be doing and that it is completely unacceptable for him to be horrible nasty to her. And not her fault if he is.

I'd sit her down and discuss with her how it is never a womans job to ignore or pacify the bad behaviour of a man.

And take that advice for yourself. Start taking steps to leave.

What kind of example are you setting for your DD? That if a man gets angry then you cry and beg for his forgiveness. She will end up in very unhealthy relationships.

This. You're showing her this and letting her do it too!! You're letting her apologise to him when he's the one with a totally disproportionate response. This is going to impact her future the relationships the longer it goes on.

I'd say it really depends on the nature of the communications that have gone on before - if DD has been hugely insulting, contemptuous etc at him and when he tries to address poor behaviour from her he feels ganged up on when you join in supporting her and he walks away because he doesn't know what else to do, well I guess it could be argued that he is the one on the end of the emotional abuse.

But yeah, hugely depends on exactly how the arguments arise, who says what, in what tone etc, and none of us reading here know any of that.

How do you think he would describe what happens on these occasions?

Fuck him. Go and sleep in your daughters room and ignore him until he realises he’s being a prick.

OP, this is emotional abuse and manipulation, and you shouldn't have to put up with it. Trust me it won't get any better - sorry.

My exH was like this, which is one reason he is an 'ex'.

I would seriously think about leaving but you'll need to get legal advice about that.

Because I took offence at his insult, he's gone off in a strop.

So it isn't even an extreme reaction to something you've done 'wrong'. He's punishing you so that he's the most annoyed person in the situation and therefore somehow wins?

If you can't leave yet, please at least challenge this behaviour when he does it and explain to your daughter that it isn't acceptable, if you feel safe doing so. She is at the age where she will be getting into relationships and you don't want her thinking this is normal.