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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Leopard change it's spots.

40 replies

iwishihadthoughtofthat · 07/02/2021 16:39

I have been in a relationship with my DP for two years,we get on o.k most of the time,he is(or i thought he was) kind and gentle.However last night,he was asking me about a past relationship that i was in where my ex was both physically,and emotionally abusive towards me.which has left me with trust issues.I asked him at the end of the conversation,if he had ever hit a woman, expecting him to say never.He said he had.I was so shocked.I then asked him to tell me about why he had....He said that his ex had been arguing all day with him,and that she and he had been drinking and she hit him first.I could tell that he didn't want to talk about it.I asked if he had done it to anyone else,he said his first wife and he were always arguing and that they both hit each other.I couldn't believe what i was hearing.In all the time we have known each other,he has not even raised his voice to me.I can't believe it's the same person.I told him i am not sure about our relationship now,as i do not want to be in another abusive relationship.He said that he would never hit me or hurt me in any way.Can i trust him,or does a Leopard never change it's spots? I just don't know what to think or do.I am still in shock.

OP posts:

Beforethetakingoftoastandtea · 07/02/2021 16:43

Can you do a request via claires law? What men might tell you and what is the truth could be two very different things. Also, he told you he was violent in a relationship. Why would he still interest you?

I have been in a relationship with my DP for two years,we get on o.k most of the time
Ok most of the time. What does this mean? What is he like when you dont get on? It is those times that are important.

Itstimetoquit · 07/02/2021 16:50

I wouldn't want to be with him after admitting that,red flags x

Somethingkindaoooo · 07/02/2021 16:52

Do you live together?

What happens when you do fall out?

Abusive behaviour (imo) falls on a spectrum. For eg Getting the silent treatment for days= emotionally abusive.
Hitting someone- physically abusive. Both are abusive.

Original poster

iwishihadthoughtofthat · 07/02/2021 17:27

No,we don't live together.We spend weekends together and do get on well really,in fact he seems to bend over backwards to keep me happy.As i said,he has never even raised his voice or lost his temper in all the time i have known him.Apparently, his last relationship they lived together in his house.She called the police after he hit her,and he was arrested and couldn't go back to his house for a fortnight until he went to court.He now has a criminal record for assault.He said he was bullied as a child.This is all so strange,it's like he's talking about someone else.

OP posts:

user141631863 · 07/02/2021 17:33

Let's say you continue the relationship.

Are you ever going to feel truly safe now that you know this? (And considering how many abusers never receive a criminal record it is very significant that he has.)

Are you going to feel able to challenge him or say no to him if he's doing something you don't want?

Will you feel safe when he's been drinking? If you have an argument?

Will you be able to relax or will the fear of "what if?" always be in the corner of your mind?

It's not your responsibility to try and rehabilitate abusers.

WitchWife · 07/02/2021 17:49

Wow, I know this must be really hard to take in but he's admitted he has a pattern of hitting women he's in a settled relationship with. How can you not take this as the end of the relationship? Every time you get closer to him you will be wondering if this is when it starts.

Also a REALLY bad sign that he's blaming his exes for it - by saying that one of them hit him first/that they hit each other. He's not even sorry is he.

One more thing, he's now admitted this to you. Heaven forbid you continue with this, but say you do, and one day he hits you - he'll probably tell you "you knew what I was like, I told you."

Original poster

iwishihadthoughtofthat · 07/02/2021 17:51

Is it unusual for a first offence to get a criminal record? It is worrying me,it takes me back in my mind to the abusive relationship with my ex.That's somewhere i never wanted to revisit.It is like he is talking about someone else though not him.He said he was bullied as a child.It has knocked my confidence.I thought i knew him so well.

OP posts:

Original poster

iwishihadthoughtofthat · 07/02/2021 17:58

I also meant to say.I asked him many months ago when we were talking.The same question..Had he ever hit a woman.That time he said NO.So he is also lying!He hasn't even apologized.

OP posts:

WitchWife · 07/02/2021 18:01

I'm sorry I don't know much about criminal justice stuff - but have you heard of Clare's Law disclosures? The point of these is for people to be able to check the record of their partner if they think they might have been violent in the past.

Have a look at this -
west-midlands.police.uk/your-options/clares-law-domestic-violence-disclosure-scheme
This is West Mids but they all do it - I'd just google your local police force and Clare's Law.

They should then be able to give you more info on what he's done in the past. Quite frankly I suspect he's telling you the least of it, and he probably doesn't know you can find out more.

Miffyliffy · 07/02/2021 18:02

I honestly believe generally it just escalates as they continue relationships.

My ex, started of like a dream, the most incredible person I could imagine. Went well out of his way to do anything for me.
Before long I was getting hit in the face, pushed to the ground, held down, phone smashed, him hiding my keys so I couldn't leave.

I would get covered in bruises. It was always 'im so sorry, I didn't mean it. It'll never happen again'...

Till the next time.

I ended up finding out 2 years later he 'grabbed' his first wife.

Op I hope he really has changed if you choose to stay with him

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/02/2021 18:02

He now has a criminal record for assault

Sorry, but that would be it for me. So many DV incidents end with the woman backing down or police just "having a word", so for the courts to be involved it must have been pretty awful

And yes of course he'll minimise it and bleat about an awful childhood, but that's not actually addressing the problem is it? I'd ask if he's ever done any work around anger management or had counselling, but suspect I know what the answer will be - and even if he said he has, could he prove it?

Just be grateful you found out about this before you risked marriage and kids ...

Pegsonstrings · 07/02/2021 18:10

No is the short answer. No they don't. It worked for him previously so if you raise an issue with him in future, don't be expecting any special treatment for him.

Him blaming previous parents is him justifying his violence. Your current bf is testing the waters by asking you what happened in your previous relationship, this is so he can build a profile on how to treat you in future, because what you tolerated from your ex, and for how long, will definitely be something your current bf will do. Happened to me and so please be careful and think about this relationship. You may think it's noble and honest of him stating the past and his actions, but in fact it's a warning you should not ignore

Pegsonstrings · 07/02/2021 18:11

"any special treatment from him, not for

Beforethetakingoftoastandtea · 07/02/2021 18:18

So many DV incidents end with the woman backing down or police just "having a word", so for the courts to be involved it must have been pretty awful
This op.

Tallybeebloom · 07/02/2021 18:33

People say a lot on mumsnet that people can't change, I don't believe that at all. I absolutely believe that people can, however , I think most behaviours need a stimulus to change. If he has recognised this as being a problem in the past, sought help in some way to address it and relearn responses to situations, then I could maybe accept someone having done something in the past had changed and wouldn't do it again. But it sounds like your DP blames the women for his behaviour and hasn't taken responsibility for it which means the liklihood of him having addressed it or found a way to change his behaviour.

WitchWife · 07/02/2021 18:35

Not to mimimise bullying, but so what if he was bullied at school? Many children were and most of them don't go on to a) hit their partners and b) blame it on the bullying rather than taking responsility.

It's anyone's fault but his isn't it. If it's not his previous partners it's the school bullies. If it's not them it's probably in his genes or his star sign or something.

I'm sorry this is such a shock to find out - but the important thing is now you DO know. Thank God.

user141631863 · 07/02/2021 18:43

At the beginning of your relationship with your ex, did you expect him to go on to abuse you?

Original poster

iwishihadthoughtofthat · 07/02/2021 19:04

USER141631863 No,my ex appeared very charming,it was a very gradual thing,first of all he became quite controlling,i guess he was grooming me.He would say he liked me to wear certain clothes(dresses and high heels.(i am a jeans and t.shirt person} Then he would start finding fault and blaming me for trivial things.It then started to become physically abusive.To the point one night i feared for my safety,and phoned a relative who called the police.All they did was phone him a couple of days later and told him he was a naughty boy....Turns out he was controlling and violent to most of his ex's..oh and got money out of them also.The problem is,when you are in the relationship,emotions etc make it difficult to think straight.As i said,with my DP we have been together two years and no sign up to me asking him last night of any violence at all.My ex started being controlling within about a month.I am beginning to think there is no such thing as a honest trustworthy man.I am finding this so difficult.

OP posts:

WitchWife · 07/02/2021 19:09

I can imagine how hard and shit this is. But if you do one thing please do the Clare's Law thing I posted upthread.

Original poster

iwishihadthoughtofthat · 07/02/2021 19:28

Thank you Witchwife.I will have a look at the thread.I feel like it will be opening pandoras box though in a way.I just feel that i am in a thick fog at the moment looking for a way through this,and wishing it was all a dream.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/02/2021 19:35

So many DV incidents end with the woman backing down or police just "having a word", so for the courts to be involved it must have been pretty awful

This.

Please do a Claire's law request so you know what you're dealing with (eg do they think you might need to ask them for extra support leaving him) but regardless of doing that you should get your head around the fact you need to break up with him.

He has a criminal record for assault. He has an admitted history of violence towards women and turbulent relationships. Abusers only admit what they can get away with so whatever he's said is the absolute minimum he's done.

You're only two years in, which is nothing in the grand scheme of things and even setting this issue aside things are "ok most of the time" so not exactly super happy anyway.

You can't stay with someone who has a criminal record for violence against women long term, not if you have healthy boundaries and expectations.

Please don't consider staying with this man.

user141631863 · 07/02/2021 19:50

I appreciate it's difficult when you're in the thick of it. The emotions involved don't make it easy and I get it must feel like the rug has just been pulled out from underneath you. It's understandable you would want to find a way to make it go away, but I would fear for your safety if you did so.

Different abusive people use different tactics. The fact that one man started noticeably grooming and abusing you within a month doesn't mean that if the next man waits 12 or 24 months he's not abusive even when he tells you he thinks it's justifiable to hit his partners. It just means he's different.

It's interesting that you use the word grooming. That was the word that came to my mind when you described the gradual way he's fed you this information about his previous acts of violence. Your vulnerability after what your ex did will also have been apparent to him from the start even before you disclosed your past.

What/why was he asking you about your past abuse?

Ultimately if you were my friend or relative I'd be encouraging you and supporting you to end this. If you are not in danger right now, and that's not a call I can make, then you can afford to give yourself some time to come to terms with this before acting.

Original poster

iwishihadthoughtofthat · 07/02/2021 19:59

Youvegotten I know you are all right in what you say about finishing the relationship.I just have to get my head round it and divorce the emotions that surround it.I did ask him why he hadn't admitted it the first time i asked,as it is a serious thing..his reply was.He wanted me to get to know him first without judging him on his past,and that he was afraid if he had told me at the beginning,i would have walked away.Too right i would!! One of my problems is,i am very forgiving and easy going.

OP posts:

Skeeters · 07/02/2021 20:08

I bet he didn't want to talk about it.

He's hit two women and none of it is his fault. He was bullied as a child and his ex was having a go at him all day long (and he was for some reason unable to leave during this) so he hit her.

And the other one he hit, that was her fault too. She hit him so that's a green light for him to hit her.

So as long as you never do anything that he perceives to be wrong, ever, you should be just fine.

Somethingkindaoooo · 07/02/2021 20:20

How does he behave when you fall out?

Does he ignore?
Or talk about it?

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