Leopard change it's spots.

[iwishihadthoughtofthat]

I have been in a relationship with my DP for two years,we get on o.k most of the time,he is(or i thought he was) kind and gentle.However last night,he was asking me about a past relationship that i was in where my ex was both physically,and emotionally abusive towards me.which has left me with trust issues.I asked him at the end of the conversation,if he had ever hit a woman, expecting him to say never.He said he had.I was so shocked.I then asked him to tell me about why he had....He said that his ex had been arguing all day with him,and that she and he had been drinking and she hit him first.I could tell that he didn't want to talk about it.I asked if he had done it to anyone else,he said his first wife and he were always arguing and that they both hit each other.I couldn't believe what i was hearing.In all the time we have known each other,he has not even raised his voice to me.I can't believe it's the same person.I told him i am not sure about our relationship now,as i do not want to be in another abusive relationship.He said that he would never hit me or hurt me in any way.Can i trust him,or does a Leopard never change it's spots? I just don't know what to think or do.I am still in shock.

I think the fact that you don't live together is the reason this is coming as such a shock OP, I suspect if you did live together you'd be seeing at least little flashes of the real him by now. Very easy to keep up the nice guy pretence for a weekend but I would assume what he's now told you is closer to the true him, sorry.

Something...If we do fall out,he tends to be quiet,not ignoring as he would speak to me if i spoke to him.He always seems very forgiving as well.He has always seemed reluctant to talk about past relationships though.He says i ask too many questions..i replied it's my way of trying to get to know you.I just can't weigh him up.Whenever he visits,he always brings me a gift of something.Is always helpful,will do anything i ask..seems like the perfect man really.Until this revelation.

Forgiving of what?

Maybe forgiving is the wrong word Skeeters.I guess i meant if i say anything that upsets him,he doesn't sulk or retaliates.

Another one saying that it must have been pretty bad for him to get convicted. The police and courts are usually very slow to act on domestic violence.

What was the sentence? I’d ask him more about it and then look it up to see if he tells you the truth.

One of my problems is,i am very forgiving and easy going
Id sag hour boundaries are poor and you have low expectations. This man has told you he hits women who disagree with him. And you're trying to find reasons to stay with him.

@Beforethetakingoftoastandtea

One of my problems is,i am very forgiving and easy going Id sag hour boundaries are poor and you have low expectations. This man has told you he hits women who disagree with him. And you're trying to find reasons to stay with him.

I agree.

You are making excuses for him and singing his praises for being nice and kind to you. You are supposed to be nice and kind to the person who you have chosen above anyone else in the world to be in a relationship with. That's standard, it's not a lovely bonus that he's not horrible to you.

OP

I do think people can change- but normally there is a catalyst, and a process of self introspection.

I think it's ok to ask him how he moved on from there.
What did he learn about himself?
How does he know he won't do it again?

You have a right to want to discuss it ( obviously have a proper discussion- don't just spring it in him).

For me, how he handles your questions will be telling.
If he has an open and frank discussion, then that is a great sign.
If he tells you that ' he just knows he won't do it again' and says you ask too many questions- then I would be troubled by it. As in, they would be the end.

Don't let him move in with you, I'm surprised he hasn't already tried.

Thank you all for listening,i really appreciate your imput.Since he left yesterday,i have had no contact with him.He has tried phoning me several times which i have ignored.He has sent me a text,saying he had tried to phone last night,but i obviously do not want to talk to him.
SOMETHING...I know i need to have that conversation about what he has done about his past.And yes,how do i know he won't do it again.He said he won't,but that's not enough.
Skeeters..It does sound like i am making excuses for him.I do tend to feel sorry for people,and believe people should be given a second chance.That's just the way i am.Too soft for my own good i guess.
Banana..No he doesn't want me to live with him.He said his home is his,and doesn't want to share it with anyone.

I do tend to feel sorry for people,and believe people should be given a second chance.
He had a second chance. And hit another woman who disagreed with him. Youd be AT LEAST the third woman, not occasion, as he told you he was repeatedly violent towards his first wife. How many chances should he have not to be violent?

He said his home is his,and doesn't want to share it with anyone.
So where is this relationship going?

And stop calling yourself soft and very forgiving like they are positive qualities in this situation. You must improve your boundaries. Why would you want to be in a relationship with a man who has told you he hits women who disagree with him? Do you know what he will say the first time he hits you? That he told you he was like that and you accepted it, so it is not his fault.

Send a text telling him sadly you dont see a future to this relationship so youre calling it a day now. Then block him.

Someone with his background, in a relationship with someone with your past experiences, is disaster and heartache just waiting to happen.

You'll never truly feel safe with him, physically or emotionally.

Whether its 5, 10, 15 , 20, 30 years time he will revert to this behaviour.

Once a physically abusive man always a physically abusive man.
I don't believe they can ever change.
I agree with the pp maybe if you never do anything wrong in his eyes you may get a longer run of him not physically hurting you.

Please don't take the chance.

Common Assault will always go to court. Especially in a DV context.

Having experienced DV I would never, ever be with a man who has ever laid a hand on a woman.

To answer your question: no the don’t. Did he attend courses or rehabilitation programmes to deal with his need to retaliate physically?

I would second requesting information from the police via Claire‘s law and do not move in together!

@iwishihadthoughtofthat

I understand you’re in shock and you sound like a kind hearted person. It is not your responsibility to rehabilitate violent men. That’s for probation and the courts. You live is too precious to potentially end up being someone’s punching bag.

If you don’t leave and one day he batters you then he’ll say: Well, you knew what I was like. It will erode your confidence and drag your down.

What @EmilyBishopmyconfession said is so true.
The mix of you both will lead to a lot of heartbreak.

Say you need time to think and fade him out.
You will have had a lucky escape.