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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

Clarification

15 replies

Newbie2123 · 07/02/2021 13:24

I feel stupid having to come here, yet talking to people you don’t know seems to work.
I left a 7 year relationship last year. It wasn’t the nicest, I was hurt and manipulated. I stayed for my two babies. As whenever I wanted to leave he would tell me I would never see my kids again. I knew I couldn’t leave them with him. I plucked up the courage and left last year. 7 years to late. I have no confidence. But what I really get upset about and I don’t want to think like this but, I didn’t want to have sex with someone who made me hate them. In fact it was 2 years I didn’t have sex with him till I left, but I would wake up to him touching me, taking photos of me and secretly watching me in the shower. I cant write that without crying. I feel like I shouldn’t be writing this. Am I the one who is in the wrong to think like this? To think that’s not normal? I will never get over the words which was said to me. I am 28, my first relationship. I can’t stand him for making me this person who I never was. I used to smile and laugh and joke and now I can barley look at myself with hating what I see.

OP posts:

MaudTheInvincible · 07/02/2021 13:39

I would wake up to him touching me, taking photos of me and secretly watching me in the shower

That is not normal at all; it is abusive. Well done for getting out of the relationship

MaudTheInvincible · 07/02/2021 13:47

Have you spoken to your doctor about how you've been feeling? Are your children with you?

Original poster

Newbie2123 · 07/02/2021 13:48

@MaudTheInvincible thank you for your comment I think I’m ready now to speak to the doctor. It’s been a struggle with a new house and job and two kids to even think straight. I have my children thankfully x

OP posts:

MaudTheInvincible · 07/02/2021 14:36

You might want to get this thread moved to the Relationships board, @Newbie2123, because you are more likely to find supportive, helpful posters there. Here in AIBU it's too busy and your post might just get lost. Just hit 'report' on your opening post and ask for it to be moved.

You've done brilliantly to get out and get yourself and your children to safety, and now you need to concentrate on healing from the damage your ex did to you.

Original poster

Newbie2123 · 07/02/2021 14:39

Thank you so much for your comment xx

OP posts:

MNHQ

CarolineMumsnet · 07/02/2021 14:45

Hello OP, we're going to move this over to relationships for you now. We hope that you get the advice and support you are after over there.

HelloThereMeHearties · 07/02/2021 14:48

You poor love

Yes, you have been sexually and emotionally abused. You seem to be turning it on yourself, so you need to get some help with dealing with it.

You were incredibly strong to manage to leave the relationship, now it's time for you to get some help in healing.

Notimefor · 07/02/2021 16:09

Well done for leaving. You are a warrior...

Original poster

Newbie2123 · 07/02/2021 16:54

@HelloThereMeHearties @Notimefor thank you both for commenting. Really upsets me, I hate thinking this way but I’ve been confused over if they thought it was normal. Xx

OP posts:

HelloThereMeHearties · 07/02/2021 17:03

It is most definitely NOT normal, and it is completely understandable that you are upset about it.

I'm sure that there was a lot else that he did and said to you that was abusive and harmful. Is there someone you can talk to in real life?

BlueThistles · 07/02/2021 17:08

So happy to read that you actually left OP ... you were horribly abused and you are still in recovery my lovely .. 🌺

Original poster

Newbie2123 · 07/02/2021 18:09

@HelloThereMeHearties. I have my mom and dad but unfortunately they are isolating as my brother has coronavirus. I feel like I have so much to say that I can’t express how I’m feeling.

@BlueThistles thank you, I just feel because it was done in a way where if he knew he’d done something I’d get guilt tripped, flowers, that kind of thing. There is a name for that kind of person but I don’t know what it is x

OP posts:

Notimefor · 07/02/2021 19:37

I was in your situation a few years ago, and I am so proud of myself now for leaving such an abusive person. It’s not normal, and yet we accept it, until we don’t. Well done. It’s a really shitty path to tread , but you can look forward to a brighter future. And don’t feel silly or anything like that, you are very strong. X

Sicario · 07/02/2021 19:50

I am so sorry. What an awful thing to have happened to you. You are a survivor of ongoing sustained sexual abuse. It happened to me too. This was not your fault, and it's not your fault that you couldn't see a way out of it for so long.

It takes a long time to recover from an abusive relationship. Seek help and support wherever you can find it. Be very gentle with yourself and know that you have a whole new future ahead of you.

HelloThereMeHearties · 07/02/2021 20:06

I think that talking to a neutral, trained person could help you. Can you go to your doctor and ask for counselling, because the trauma that you've been through is affecting your mental health.

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