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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have you ever been so fooled?

27 replies

Dreamtym · 07/02/2021 01:47

We got married about 15 years ago. We have 3 kids. He is 'happy.' I stay married for the kids. But, recently I 'm rethinking everything! I can't believe I believed every explanation, every lie.
We were dating for a few weeks. One evening after meeting my now husband, I said goodbye and got on a bus to go home where I livedby myself. A minute into the journey I received a call from a private number. The caller said he had seen me get on the bus and named the route. I panicked and called my date. I got off at near the police station and met my date. We went back to his place. That night after calming down our relationship advanced drastically, in regards to intimacy.
A few days ago I finally realized it was most probably him who arranged that call! You are probably screaming, "Who else could it have possibly have been?" I was overwhelmed with fear, as I had been drugged and raped 8 years prior. Thought I found a hero....am I the one out here who has been so foolish?

OP posts:
Foward · 07/02/2021 01:56

What else makes you suspicious?

Original poster
Dreamtym · 07/02/2021 02:11

Before the kids came along, I went overseas to visit my family. I returned to find a small pair of lacy underwear in my drawer. He said his friend and his girl had stayed over. It must belong to her! But why would they be in my bedroom as we had a spare...well that was years ago and I believed anything back then. I guess what got me thinking recently was his absolute lack of concern. I tested positive for covid on new year's eve and he was in high spirits. He busied himself calling family and his friends to celebrate the new year. I spoke to my kids 7, 10, 13 individually about my test results. Each of them asked me if their dad knew. So sad that he didn't even acknowledge their feelings.

OP posts:
Happycat1212 · 07/02/2021 02:25

I can’t believe you didn’t know that was him that called you, it was pretty obvious sorry I doubt he even arranged someone to do it he probably just put on a different voice Sad

ItGetsBetter · 07/02/2021 02:29

LTB
I hope you intend to.

TaraR2020 · 07/02/2021 02:52

In the op's defence, it wouldn't have occurred to me that he'd arranged the call either.

Re the knickers, well they say 'love is blind' for a reason, think many of us have been there.

Op, I'm sorry your OH has so little concern for you. If you want to leave, then plan it out and get yourself into a strong position before you end things- plenty of us here to support you through it.

Equally, if you choose to work on your marriage you'll find support. What matters now is that you take control of your life, and it's your choice.

Flowers
Original poster
Dreamtym · 07/02/2021 13:28

Thanks for the support. Very afraid to leave. Need to leave. Don't know how to leave. I need to secure myself and my kids financially so he doesn't get half of my assets. Need to set up a trust, I think.

OP posts:
Itstimetoquit · 07/02/2021 17:05

The knickers wow utter bullshit,but I get you believed him,he doesn't sound like a nice man x

BlueThistles · 07/02/2021 17:15

good lord... he is controlling in the extreme 🌺

Aminuts23 · 07/02/2021 17:29

@Dreamtym I feel I’m reading about my ex. The phone call. You’re thinking about it now because the blinkers have come off and you’re seeing other behaviour that’s not normal. When I look back I get annoyed with myself for putting up with so much and believing frankly ridiculous things. I think I always knew he was a bit odd but I’m the end he was a deeply disturbed and sinister man. Only as I left I got the truth about some of the incidents. Get organised and get away. He’ll tell you you’re over reacting, making things up, he’ll deny everything. You know you’re right

Original poster
Dreamtym · 08/02/2021 05:11

Aminuts23 you left? Wow! How did he react? Were there kids involved? What did you do to ensure your safety? Trying to figure out how and when we leave and where to go. I will have to resign to avoid him embarrassing the kids and myself. ...how did you do it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dreamtym · 08/02/2021 05:13

Has anyone set up a trust for their kids?

OP posts:
yvanka · 08/02/2021 05:38

Gosh that's shocking about the bus! It's totally understandable that you didn't connect the dots at the time. No one wants to believe that someone who seems nice is capable of something so creepy and horrible, and in your shoes I could easily have convinced myself that I was being paranoid, especially if I'd just been intimate with him.

yvanka · 08/02/2021 05:44

I have been fooled too - I suspected that my ex was being unfaithful so read his Facebook messages and found out that he'd shared a bed with another woman after a night out at his friend's house. Confronted him and he told me they'd just gone to sleep, nothing had happened - even though there was another free bed in the house he could have slept in! I just accepted it because I felt like his story was believable and I didn't have any evidence that they'd actually had sex, plus I was very young and naive. He ended up admitting it to hurt me when we broke up years later. I learned that if it stinks of shit it is probably shit! And am just grateful for every day since that I haven't spent being gaslighted and lied to.

yvanka · 08/02/2021 05:59

When I look back I get annoyed with myself for putting up with so much and believing frankly ridiculous things

Yep! I can't think about that stage of my life without cringing. It just became the norm for me to accept what he said and, in hindsight, ignore the completely obvious signs that it was bollocks. I even stopped telling my friends the things he did because I didn't want to hear the truth - that he was clearly a compulsive liar. He made me think for so long that I was a paranoid and jealous person, when in reality every suspicion I had was completely right.

Eekay · 08/02/2021 06:09

As PP said, your blinkers have come off.
I think the best advice would be to speak to a good solicitor before you do anything else.
Best to have a solid idea of your potential financial situation including how to set up a trust if that's necessary.
They can also advise on your rights in terms of your home which is important so you can plan accordingly.
If you're the slightest bit anxious about your safety,
Women's Aid is usually recommended as a good source of advice. You can email if it's tricky to talk privately.
Be sure to cover your tracks both online and in your call log so you don't tip him off before you're ready to act.
Best of luck.

ivegotdreadfulpmttoday · 08/02/2021 06:20

It's very rare for a woman to be on here concerned for hiding assets from her husband. Are you the husband in this scenario?

TealSapphire · 08/02/2021 06:38

Yes, I was fooled big time along with everyone else.

We got together when I was young, traumatised and vulnerable. He was such a nice guy, yet it was weird how I always felt not good enough for him. His parents loved his ex girlfriend sigh etc etc. My family thought he was great.

He is a compulsive liar and gaslighter. Had me convinced I was going crazy accusing him of wearing my clothes when I was out, until one day he was exposed. Over the last few years I slowly rebuilt my confidence and as pp said the blinkers were gone. He lost control of me, and moved out. Still tries to control me through the kids but I don't back down in dissecting the truth anymore so he mostly leaves me alone.

It's a lot to unpack OP, and you question everything. Just know that you have been authentic and lived your life with integrity and truth.

notacooldad · 08/02/2021 08:01

Blimey if it was a bloke asking how to hide his assets people would be all over it like a rash. People have barely noticed your intent.

IJustWantSomeBees · 08/02/2021 15:07

@notacooldad

People aren't 'all over it' because it is not women who are constantly financially abusing their partners/spouses. Role reversal is rarely helpful on threads like this given that society does not afford women the same privileges that it does men so our positions are not often comparable.

Original poster
Dreamtym · 08/02/2021 18:16

Thanks again. I really felt alone until now. Yes I am female. When we met, he quite happily lived in debt. I was buying my first house. We never shared finances. He finds ways to spend all his cash and I save. I pay for holidays etc. I take the kids away a few times a year. I look forward to the peace. ...hes had all sorts of addictions including gambling.i had to pay off his debts many times but it didn't help. I was shocked to find out by opening his mail that he hadn't paid the mortgage for a year and we were going to be evicted!!!! I had to act quickly to save the house. I even had to pay bailiffs at the door! ...So embarrassing! Men hide their assets. I've worked long hours, invested and I have been careful so why shouldn't I secure it for the kids?

OP posts:
TaraR2020 · 09/02/2021 00:30

Im glad you're feeling less alone, op.

Im hesitant to suggest this but in the interest of you DC, it might be useful to have evidence of his spending habits (frittering it away, extravagance and failing to pay the mortgage( not to bash him with but let's assume you end up as primary custodian of the children, I imagine any divorce solicitor would take into account his spending habits when they help you come to a settlement with regards to what benefits the children the most.

Boonlark · 09/02/2021 00:50

Because you've been married for so long and have kids, you will have to declare and divide up your assets. If you try to lock them up in a trust, you'll get in legal hot water, as all of the assets and debts will be part of the marital pot. If you can prove that some of the debts are gambling debts, you might be able to have them taken out of the marital pot.

Original poster
Dreamtym · 09/02/2021 07:44

Thanks for the advice and information. Very useful. I can't evidence his spending but I have filed away the all those that involve mail. How can I invest or put something away for the kids?

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 09/02/2021 09:41

You need to see a solicitor OP. Nobody here can give you accurate legal and financial advice. Get yourself an appointment set up for when he's not around, so you know what steps to take next.

Re the phone call on the bus thing - I'm not surprised you didn't suspect at the time. I've been put in a similar position by an ex, and at the time the panic just stops you from thinking clearly, all you're focussed on is getting out of what you think is danger, and the natural response is to look for someone to protect us. Did he know about your history of being attacked?

yetmorecrap · 09/02/2021 11:22

Blimey OP you need to get rid— he clearly isn’t a very nice person and is simply not honest — you could have ended up homeless. I think you will have trouble hiding assets because despite these idiots having no financial personal sense, they usually are very aware what you have.

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