Advice

[Messedup41]

I could really do with some advice. I’ve been dating someone I work with for a few months now and he is just amazing. Everyone at work knows we’re together. He treats me like a queen. Does lovely things for me. Sends me lovely messages he is so respectful of me. We’re both getting divorced as our marriages didn’t work out (not because of meeting each other) he’s great with my kids and we get on like a house on fire. There’s an age gap but it’s not an issue for either of us.... the thing is I have a horrible suspicion he is still with his wife. I have no concrete proof....Just certain things don’t add up....I’ve fallen for him in a big way. I have trust issues anyway because of my previous relationship and I’m worried I’m looking for things that just aren’t there....it’s driving me mad as I’m second guessing everything he says to me. All my friends love him so I can’t talk to anyone about this. Because of COVID I haven’t met his mum and dad yet and there are things he tells me about his family and I just don’t know if they’re true. If this goes wrong it’s not just him I lose but my job too. There is no way I could carry on working with him if I found out he’d lied to me.....what do I do?

You've only been dating a few months and he has met your kids? And you're talking about meeting his family?

All seems a bit rushed op. I get that you work eoth him so have probably known him a while longer...but still.

Have you heard of 'love bombing' ? Had he been doing this?

As for the wife...can you visit his home one day and scope the place out? See if theres feminine hygiene products in the bathroom ect...

Why would you lose your job?

Have you not been to his house? Do you stay over night with each other?

Is he living in the same house as his wife?

I’m confused that “all your friends love him”? Have they all met him or are they all mutual friends from work?

You could ask someone at work who might know his wife. People won’t tell you unless you ask them directly. They might think you know you are having an affair with a married man.

I think you need to elaborate on why things just don't add up OP

OP I think you may be overthinking. If he’s still with his wife why would be let everyone at work know about you? Why would he meet your friends? If he’s as involved as he sounds then either he’s with you or he’s very devious

What makes you think he might still be with his wife?

I think you should take a massive step back and tell him you want a break until his marriage situation is officially over

@Bigbus maybe he doesn’t care if anyone at work knows as they may not necessarily know or tell his wife

Hi, sorry I should have clarified a few things. My kids are older. I have 1 who is 20 this year and the other is 16. He’s great with them and they’ve become really good friends.
He stays over at mine and I haven’t been to his yet. His house is about 30 miles away from mine.
I lost both my parents last year within a few weeks of each other. I have no family on my side. Only the kids. My social circle is very small....I struggle to trust people. The close friends I have, have met him and they think he’s great. I wanted their opinions on him before it got too far in. My previous relationship was a car crash and I don’t want to make that mistake again.
Reasons why things don’t add up:
He doesn’t stay over at weekend. I’m on my own most Friday and Saturday nights
I can’t stay at his....his “ex” wife doesn’t live too far away from him apparently
He told me his house was in his name only....it’s not it’s in both names....he’s saying it’s an error on the paperwork
The “ex” wife Facebook page is full of their wedding photos. Why do that if they’ve separated
She messages him about their son....theres kisses and love hearts at the end of the messages. I haven’t seen the full message. I don’t go through his phone or even ask about them. It’s what I’ve seen when he’s been sat next to me.
No one at work knows his wife. He lives about 40 mins away from the office. Everyone knows at work that he’s getting divorced and he hates his “ex” wife.
If I find out he’s lied I would lose my job because I would have to leave. I can’t work with him. It would hurt too much with falling for him the way I have
My head is spinning with it all. I’m so afraid I’m making all the same mistakes again

It doesn’t sound great, does it. Can you see where his ‘ex’ wife lives on Facebook, or something like 192.com? Is he happy to be tagged on your FB? Perhaps a friend could post ‘saw x and y out walking, lovely to see her so happy’ or something similar? You are both getting divorced and have been for a few months, so there is no reason to keep you a secret.

Plans for Valentine’s Day? Will you be sending something?

On the more positive side I have found men are sometimes embarrassed to admit to age-gap relationships, however genuine.

No it doesn’t does it. He’s here for Valentine’s Day. He’s had my presents delivered here and my son is guarding them for him so I don’t find out what they are.
I’ve tagged him in Facebook posts and he loves the fact I do. He doesn’t tag me cos he “doesn’t use Facebook much”
He says his mum and dad know all about me. Before the lockdowns came in I was supposed to meet them but something always happened or they suddenly got busy. He says his friends know about me.
There were a couple of occasions when I was supposed to stay at his and again something happened so I couldn’t. I just don’t ask now.
I’ve never dated someone I work with before. I went against my instincts this time and thought it would be great to see each other every day. I think that’s the reason it seems to everyone else we’ve rushed things a bit. In the last few months there have only been 4 days when we’ve not seen each other.
I’m trying not to overthink it. It is only early days in the relationship but I can’t help feeling something isn’t right.....like it’s all too good to be true

Why would he have your presents deliveted to your house?
Why not his?

Arranging for you to meet his parents and then there being excuses is a red flag as is not staying at his house because 'something' cropped up.
No friday and saturday nights are red flags,does he tell his wife he works away so he can then be with you Sunday - Thursday?

Whether he is with his wife or not it sounds far too messy with the divorce and all the red flags.

It sounds like you're being love bombed in all honesty.

For me he's way too shady. I think you need to step away from this situation. In all honesty it's too soon for either of you to form a relationship, you've had a tough past by the sounds of things and still healing whereas he's going (allegedly) through a divorce, as you are. Sorry but this is an absolute car crash waiting to happen.

He’s here all day Saturday and all day Sunday, just doesn’t stay over. He stays every Tuesday and Thursday night too. When he doesn’t stay He picks me up in the mornings for work and drops me back home again. Stays for dinner then goes hone. He’s just bought a new car and given me a key and put me on the insurance...I’ve actually seen the paperwork for that.
His ex wife works nights on the nights he’s not here so he has to look after his son. That’s the story anyway. I do know she works nights, I’ve checked that out myself.
If he is with his wife what on earth does she think he’s doing with being away from home so much.
If he is with his wife and he’s doing all this, then he’s not trustworthy anyway so there’s no future for us. What’s to say he won’t do it to me.
It’s all soo confusing. I would say 80% of what he tells me is true because I have been able to check it out myself.
If we weren’t working together I may find it easier to let him go. I know it sounds pathetic but I couldn’t bear working with him everyday. I need to find a way to get categoric proof of what he’s doing then I can sort it from there. It needs to be proof he can’t deny.

On the contrary, you have been way too trusting and you have ignored all suspicions. You have also opened yourself up to this by not following some pretty big basic rules when dating - always, absolutely always, see where each other live before proceeding with any relationship. Its fundamental that you do this. Also, if you are introducing them to everyone you you know, but they never do, you are definitely a dirty secret.
The house in his name thing, was an unnecessary lie on his part that likely means he's still living in the marital home.
I'd say overall you've been hoodwinked big time, because you've let your heart rule your head. There is something about the first relationship you have after a long term partnership or marriage ends, you can end up getting carried away, probably because it's been so long since affection was in your life. You will learn from this and become the guarded, less trusting person you think you already are, but haven't been.
For extra knowledge, I'd maybe consider driving to his house, but you do have enough already to go off unfortunately.

Maybe he's told his wife he works weekends so thats why he can be with you.

Adding you to his car insurance and having a key means nothing.

I would ask him to stay at his one night a week as you need to get out of your own house and see what he says, set a time limit like 1 month and if it hasn't happened you know it wont ever and he has something to hide. My bet is that it will be planned but things will occur so you cant stay.

You need to understand why you're holding on so tightly to this man when its only been 4months.
4 months in your life should revolve around you, your kids, family, friends and hobbies with maybe 5% about him.

It would be prudent to look for another job asap. If you want to minimise awkwardness at work, you could avoid a showdown maybe, by just saying you've found it all a bit whirlwind and fast ( it has been). He's at yours a heck of a lot, sounds very intense, so quite reasonable to say you'd like to change gear, slow it down, till you are both divorced, as it doesn't feel right, then let it fizzle out.

Very very dodgy.

Hmm it does all sound a bit odd

I would outright ask him to get some answers, you have enough excuses hes made to ask him what is going on

Shady as fuck.

You dont message your ex you hate with kisses. You just dont. I'm sorry op but it's obviously bullshit.

If you have his address, go over there an knock whilst you know he is at work.

Also: men who talk about exs the way he talks about her (and with everyone at work no less!) are not men you should touch with a 50foot barge poll.

And you could just shame him out of the workplace. If you go over there and find he is still married and has been conning you all this time and the wife seems lovely - tell the whole workplace that and shame him out of the job. Why should you leave, HE has been lying to everyone!

Uh-oh. It does sound suspicious. I'd probably slow down the love train, not be so available in the time periods he has you slotting into, stop the pick up and drop off service, check public records, and if there are funds, hire a private investigator. It should be a simple thing to tease out.

You've moved way, way too fast. Crazy fast.

He's 'good mates' now with your kids? With your 16 year old kid?

Why ingratiate him into your family set up so soon? It's madness.

You've been lovebombed, not kept your wits about you and now you're realising it's not what you thought it was.

He's had Valentine's presents delivered to your house and has your son guarding them. You seem to think the latter makes the former less suspicious and sort of sweet they're in cahoots to do something nice for you.

It doesn't. It just makes it even more fucking weird and suspicious he didn't have them delivered to his own place to bring to yours.

Do you see that for a few months in, you've moved way too fast?