Advice

[Messedup41]

I could really do with some advice. I’ve been dating someone I work with for a few months now and he is just amazing. Everyone at work knows we’re together. He treats me like a queen. Does lovely things for me. Sends me lovely messages he is so respectful of me. We’re both getting divorced as our marriages didn’t work out (not because of meeting each other) he’s great with my kids and we get on like a house on fire. There’s an age gap but it’s not an issue for either of us.... the thing is I have a horrible suspicion he is still with his wife. I have no concrete proof....Just certain things don’t add up....I’ve fallen for him in a big way. I have trust issues anyway because of my previous relationship and I’m worried I’m looking for things that just aren’t there....it’s driving me mad as I’m second guessing everything he says to me. All my friends love him so I can’t talk to anyone about this. Because of COVID I haven’t met his mum and dad yet and there are things he tells me about his family and I just don’t know if they’re true. If this goes wrong it’s not just him I lose but my job too. There is no way I could carry on working with him if I found out he’d lied to me.....what do I do?

@OldWomanSaysThis

Uh-oh. It does sound suspicious. I'd probably slow down the love train, not be so available in the time periods he has you slotting into, stop the pick up and drop off service, check public records, and if there are funds, hire a private investigator. It should be a simple thing to tease out.

A private investigator?! She's been with him a few months. If it's this anxiety inducing and she's this suspicious of him (for good reason) and she is this vulnerable to someone charming her (falling this hard, introducing to her kids etc) then she shouldn't be in a relationship at the moment. Too vulnerable to at best arseholes and at worst abusive men.

I stand by the suggestion of hiring a private investigator. It takes the guess work out. And I bet the OP would want concrete evidence versus gut feeling in order to move forward and make decisions.

I’m well aware of how stupid I’ve been. I’ve clearly been more vulnerable than I thought I was. It’s not going to continue. I know there is no future with him. I’ve been through enough headache I’m just trying to ensure I protect myself from anymore.
The relationship wasn’t intense at first. We started very casual, just drink and dinner and it built up to more. Like I’ve said before we see each other 7 days a week, where we work together. Most couples only see each other once or twice a week. It was bound to move quicker than most. I’ve fought hard to get the job I’ve got and it’s not so easy for me to just walk out and straight into another. Im just trying to navigate myself out of a stupid situation I’ve got myself into.

What I don’t get is why? I don’t have any money he can have. We work together so he’s risking a hell of a lot. Why is it so difficult for men to be honest.
He doesn’t put me down in anyway at all. He knows how independent I am so doesn’t try to control me. Although now I’m wondering with picking me up and taking me to work....but comes across as he’s doing something nice for me. He’s been with me all day today. Surely if this is all fake he couldn’t keep it up much longer anyway, could he? I just don’t get what he’s gaining from it....

It sounds a bit obvious, but just ask him to stay next week and see what the reaction is.

If you are sleeping together then THAT is what he is gaining from it.

He is also gaining the thrill of seeing another woman even though he is married. Having his cake and eating it. He is vile about his wife because he is vile. And vile people do vile things to get their kicks.

I'd find out op. For your own peace of mind. You could message her on fb. Something along the lines of 'sorry to disturb, I'm dating your ex husband Steve and he has always been a bit off about me coming to his. I thought I'd better check that he was being truthful and is genuinely single...?'.

Chances are if he us cheating he will tell her you are just some nutter. But either way at least you've said something. And at least you should get some sort of response to give you am idea of he is still with her or not.

What I don’t get is why?

Because he wants extra sex with someone who isn't his wife. It's not difficult!

I really think you need to work on your boundaries OP because you're coming across really naive and trusting, and I'd bet my last packet of cup-a-soup that his wife is completely unaware that he's been playing away.

It's incredibly easy to fool a trusting person. (Especially someone with a vested interest in being fooled - such as being financially dependent on the deceiver.) His wife probably thinks he's taken a second job, or an all-consuming hobby, or even volunteering.

I have known men rope their best friends into giving them an ongoing alibi. I have known them rope their children into giving them an alibi. (My dad did this! "Stepped up" to take me to drama rehearsals/school netball matches/horse riding - he'd drop me off then disappear for a quickie with his latest OW.) Never underestimate the duplicity of a man who wants an extra-curricular shag.

The fact you've only been seeing him a few months yet feel you'd have to leave work if you broke up - this says to me that you aren't in the right emotional place right now for a relationship. You've gone way too hard and fast.

Work relationships fizzle out all the time (because spending every day together is a recipe for boredom, not romance - how can you have that lovely feeling of excitement and anticipation of meeting up if you're in the same office all day?) With the job market this uncertain, if I were you I'd be gracefully fading this relationship - as a PP suggested, saying "This is going too fast for me, let's put the brakes on" and then just gradually pulling back. Then when I felt ready, just finishing it with a low-key "This isn't working for me - I feel we're too different" and just parting ways amicably (even if I privately felt he was a weaselly lying scumbag who didn't deserve the steam off my piss.) No fuss, no drama, no workplace hassles.

If you feel he won't "let" you end the relationship calmly, then that's another problem entirely.

I think he'd struggle to spend that much time with you and explain it away op. Especially the weekends. And it's all likely to come out eventually and you'd tell everyone at work.
The messages are weird though, definitely. Can you ask him about that? And her FB posts?

Ask for his address as you want to send him something then go stake it out.

We’ve only just started having sex in the last couple of weeks. Whilst I may come across naive and trusting I do have boundaries. I don’t have a high sex drive and he has issues too so it’s not even about the sex. It hasn’t changed a thing between us. He still spends just as much time with me. It’s not like he shags and runs. When we’re together at weekends we do very mundane things. Obviously not a lot with lockdown but he’ll go shopping or just sit at home watching tv. It’s not like it’s an exciting affair where we’re up to all sorts. I have had a health scare recently and he could have run a mile but he didn’t. He was with me every step of the way, even though we’re only a few months in.
We haven’t talked about moving in together or much about the future really. There’s no more kids for me and he knows that and accepts it.
Working together works and is not boring at all. We do very technical jobs in different departments so we don’t get a lot of time together during the day anyway. he sits and listens to me and I do the same. Im not his boss but I sit on the senior leadership team and run the business.
This is why I’m finding it all so confusing. Why do all that if it’s not genuine
I’m probably over thinking it all where I know I’m falling for him. He doesn’t know how I feel because it’s so early.

Don't fall for him until you know he isnt selling you a tale.

If you get along as well as you say then you should be able to straight up say to him that you need to visit his home too.

His ex wife living nearby is completely irrelevant.

You tell him that it is something that is necessary for you in order for this relationship to go forwards. That a. You spend time at his home as well as yours and b. that time includes weekends.

And don't accept any excuses.

I would also ask that he phone his ex and make it clear (via their convo and you listening) that they are no longer together (dont give him time to con some random woman into answering and pretending for him either).

Theres absolutely nothing wrong with you saying to him 'hey, I've been having these concerns and as you can see they are perfectly reasonable concerns to have considering the facts I have. I need to to show me conclusively that you and the wife are seperated'.

You tell him that it is something that is necessary for you in order for this relationship to go forwards. That a. You spend time at his home as well as yours and b. that time includes weekends.

This is a good shout.

Valentine's weekend is a pretty good time for this, no? Surely he'd rather have you to himself in his home so you can have a really fun time and let your hair down rather than coming to yours where your son is? You can bring the presents he's had your son guarding (really odd from this bloke) with you.

If you're in the senior leadership team shouldn't you know better than to get involved with someone at work?

Maybe the thrill of the chase is because you are senior leadership and its taboo.

It’s not that kind of company it’s very small and the role sounds more grand than it is. There is no policy against it and the owner of the business is fully aware of our relationship and is happy for us.
It’s not taboo considering we aren’t breaking any rules or going against company policy....always easy to judge isn’t it!

It's not a question of is it genuine - it is more like, is it exclusive?

I know someone who acted the way he does and the issue was hoarding. The person was a hoarder and it was a secret - hence no home visits.

Who knows what the truth is. Maybe he is overlapping his last one with his current one. Not the first time a man latches on to the next one before letting go of the last one. (Tarzan-ing)