Heartbroken

[supafish]

I'm in bits . During the 15 years I've been with dh I've been many weights . Currently fattest ever . He was going through an old phone looking at pics on our honeymoon - I'm about 6 stone lighter . I jokingly said but I'm still the same , you should love me whatever , he said nothing , just shook his head ! I feel revolting , I've always struggled with my weight , had a gastric band a few years ago and that went wrong and ended up nearly killing me . Am I too embarrassing to be seen with ? Am I that awful to look at ? What makes it worse is that he's tiny , no fat whatsoever and it never changes . I don't know what to do ? Do I bother my kids and upset their evening or do I continue researching gastric sleeves and just tell no one end get it done ! Whatever I do I feel worthless , fat , old and ugly . I'm 16 stone , 5.5 and 56 !! What's the point In anything ?

Do you think he’s stopped loving you? Is that what he’s said?

You know you look different, him pretending you don’t wouldn’t make you feel better but he might still love you.

How’s the relationship generally?

Did he say something to prompt the "but I'm still the same"?

If not, you really shouldn't fish for compliments or reassurance because some men are clueless.

I once asked DP 'Am I pretty?'. The reply was 'NDN is pretty, really beautiful, everyone thinks she's stunning... ... ...'. At least he's not a liar.

Give yourself a break OP, you've had kids, you had bad surgery, the coronavirus crisis is a real downer.

If you want to lose weight, speak to your GP, and look at safe, lasting options.

Tbh he can be clueless ! He's not particularly romantic anymore but I've always felt secure in his love for me . He's doesn't say I'm beautiful or compliment me much because I'm not . It's so hard , I feel like I'm making excuses for him when he isn't thoughtful or romantic . I want him to be proud to be with me but I'm feeling almost not worthy anymore .
Think is he could get anyone if he tried , he hasn't aged at all .
I hate feeling as if he's disappointed in what he's got !!

@supafish
Like you I have put on weight and am disappointed with myself.
At the moment I'm watching a thread on the Weight Loss Chat section on Mumsnet. It's called "Lose a lb a week"
Steady and slow and doable. They seem to be a lovely bunch.
It might be worth a try - for you. Not to please your dh. I know I'd feel better about myself if I was a couple of stone lighter. I'd be healthier for one thing.

Everyone ages OP, you probably just haven’t noticed.

Do you want to lose weight for yourself? Your confidence sounds battered.

I’m not sure if this is about your weight or your relationship - probably a mixture of both. How can people help you?

It's no surprise that I hate the way I look . Zero will power , my kids are adults and my whole life . I still want my husband to love me tho , thing is I know he's disappointed in how I look and as much as I want to say screw you he's right ! I hate myself . I've been stuck in for a month as we've had covid go through the house and isolating had made me not want to go out anyway .

I know the general consensus amongst people is that you should love your partner whatever their weight, and that’s maybe true when we’re talking a few pounds, but six stones is a hell of a lot of weight gain. The reality is that visuals are what makes us attractive to each other. But when youve been together for a while, over time, it’s whats inside too that attracts you. But visuals still play a big part in attraction. You know that you need to lose weight op, but for you. For your long term health, and for your self confidence. Join an online weight loss class. Or plan your meals, cut out the crap. Losing weight doesn’t have to mean being on a constant diet, it’s just about tweaking what you eat to change your mindset towards what you eat so that it just becomes a lifestyle change.

Then why don't you do something about it? You keep saying you hate this etc, then lose weight. You obviously don't like being bigger as you went through surgery because of it. So diet and exercise and lose it.

Tbh, my exH put on a lot of weight throughout our marriage and I didn't like it. He's put on more now we've split. I still carried weight after I had children and didn't like it so I lost it.

People may say partners should love you for who you are but I don't fully believe that. If someone's appearance alters throughout a relationship, the partner is entitled to bothe attracted to them anymore. Great if it doesn't bother them but they shouldn't be vilified if it does.

I'm sorry your'e feeling like this op, it's very hard to get into a mindset where you feel good about yourself when you feel your partner is not as supportive as you would like.
It can be a catch 22, you either use your anger against your unsuportive husband to spur you on to weight loss, or ask him to get on board to help you.

You clearly want to lose weight and the health scare must have been traumatic, you sound as though you need to do this without further surgery, and I hope you can get in a good place to start.

Forget what he said, you can deal with him when your confidence returns which it will.

By the way you sound lovely.

Ok, but he hasn’t actually said anything about your weight or said he doesn’t love you?

Do I bother my kids and upset their evening

I don’t know what this means?

Tbh, it sounds like you’re projecting your own unhappiness on to him!

And maybe he doesn’t find your weight attractive. He’s human, he’ll have preferences like we all do. But he hasn’t actually said that to you!

I do not think you should be putting the blame on your husband. You are unhappy about your weight so you should be proactive and do something about it. Ask him to help you by going for walks is a start.

Weight loss is so hard. I am overweight and have been for half my life. I'm a similar age and size to you.

I've spent a lot of time and energy trying many things but I need to lose weight for my health.

I did get some counselling and it helped a bit. I realise that there are some reasons I overeat. I also feel 'will power' is not the right word. I'd say 'motivation' - you can create motivation, you can motivate yourself a bit. Will power sounds like something that is a finite thing, you either have it or do not! But motivation can grow.

I would not assume your husband doesn't love you or anything, he may not have even been listening properly, my dh certainly doesn't always! I wonder if you want to lose the weight for you. Be healthy.

I've just asked to join the pound week thread...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/weight_loss_chat/4123204-Aiming-for-1lb-per-week

If we managed to do that, it would be 3 and a half stone in a year. Over half the amount you say you have put on.

My friend lost a lot of weight on the Liver cleansing diet.

I am going to take a look at it.

healthengine.com.au/info/liver-cleansing-diet#:~:text=The%20dietary%20recommendations%20of%20liver,focus%20on%20eating%20unprocessed%20foods.

Good luck.

Op you can lose the weight. A bit of tough love, but it’s all from a place of love.... it’s not solely about your husband finding you attractive! It’s fir your own self. At 5.5 you are heavy and you should bother about that. Think of the effect of the weight on your heart, knees etc. I’m normally a 10 but in quarantine, I left sugar in all forms out of my diet and I can now fit into size 10 clothes. Cut the junk food! You can do it.

You may find that introducing light exercise into your daily routine will do wonders for both your physical and mental health. I’m 2 stone overweight, and like you it has knocked my confidence. But I’ve started exercising in my front room in the evening. I started by following stretching clips on YouTube, then I purchased resistance bands and incorporated them into my evenings. I feel so good after and it has become addictive. You will be surprised the difference it makes to your mental health. Start slowly and do what your body can handle, you will see and feel the benefits. Good luck

OP - you need to stop making excuses for yourself and hope for quick fix solutions that are also risky, as you already mentioned your experience with gastric band.

Of course none of us are still the same as we have been many years ago. We matured, accumulated life experiences, relationships developed. And visually we are also different. And part of it - ageing - is normal and uncontrollable. But the other part - massive weight gain is within your control - despite you not thinking that.
Yes - marriage vowels are - for better or worse.... However - there is a difference and nuance. If the appearance changes because of health issues - it’s one thing.
But letting yourself go voluntarily is a whole different ballgame.

And of course - expecting that your partner would not notice, or be as attracted to you with a massive weight gain is unfair.
We fall in love/get attracted to a person, who looks a certain way. And, of course, over time it changes somewhat. But 6st gain changes your appearance massively.
And to me - it’d be a signal that my partner doesn’t care enough about our relationship to take care of themselves. Appearance, attraction and health -wise.

Please get help - at least for your health. And you need to start with why you are overeating - what drives you to not be able to control your food intake. Etc.
And go from there.

It feels like you are projecting your feelings on your DH. Losing weight is not about will power, it's about planning your meals.
Your approach should be the same like you are doing paid job: you just have it done without significant emotional involvement. Imagine you would cook healthy portion controlled food for someone else... and eat them....

How did today go OP?

I deiced to get weighed on a proper weighing machine at Boots. I've lost a little but also shrunk so my BMI is the same!!

I've done lots of thinking , soul searching and chatting to my daughter today . I do feel angry at my dh for his thoughtless ways but understand that he is probably only thinking of me . I've signed up for coaching and don't want to suddenly go hell for leather on a diet - just small changes and walking more .
I need to get out of the isolation / covid fug I'm stuck in .
Thanks for listening

That's brilliant news.

You do not need to answer this but why do you say 'I do feel angry at my dh for his thoughtless ways'?

Men are clueless. My DH watched our wedding video the other day. He shook his head and remarked how young I looked. WTF? You haven’t aged then have you Peter Pan? Don’t worry about the comment it’s how he acts towards you in everyday life that counts. I suspect it’s your weight that bothers you and it’s making you sensitive . I am sorry I don’t have any advice in that regard but I am sure others have. Regardless of your weight you are entitled to be happy x

Because he is thoughtless , very black and white in his thoughts . We have lots of 'discussions' shall we say about various things . He's says I'm to much of a mother , I say I was a mother first before I met you ! He has form for blurting and not thinking - makes me cross ! Overall tho we are happy , I guess the covid month has been harder on me than him , he never caught it . I'm looking forward today , gonna make an effort to change things for me , and no one else .

Yes, the good thing about this is that you can fix it. You can lose weight and improve your health. Try not to project anger at your DH. You're kind of blaming him for not loving you unconditionally while you don't love and like yourself unconditionally.
If the food isn't in the house you can't eat it.
So the first steps can be to give away anything that you are tempted to overeat (chocolate/crisps/biscuits.. whatever your triggers are). Tell your DH you don't want them in the house.
It's easier to abstain than eat 'treat' things in moderation, I find. Can I strongly suggest that you take multivitamins and minerals if you don't already? Particularly vitamin D and magnesium. We were discussing on another thread how insulin and vitamin D are connected, and that weighloss is almost impossible in middle age when vitamin D deficient (it's actually a hormone, not a vitamin). You can get a home test from services such as Thriva if you want to test it and your thyroid too. You are likely to be insulin resistant, so worth reading up on that .
Put any negatively in a box and try to enjoy the journey. You've got this OP! 💐

@supafish

Because he is thoughtless , very black and white in his thoughts . We have lots of 'discussions' shall we say about various things . He's says I'm to much of a mother , I say I was a mother first before I met you ! He has form for blurting and not thinking - makes me cross ! Overall tho we are happy , I guess the covid month has been harder on me than him , he never caught it . I'm looking forward today , gonna make an effort to change things for me , and no one else .

@supafish well he’s got a point, hasn’t he, considering you said this...

my kids are adults and my whole life . I still want my husband to love me tho

Also, he didn’t actually say anything, did he - just shook his head. How do you know he wasn’t shaking his head at you fishing for reassurance, or at you implying that he doesn’t love you whatever? Did you ask him why he shook his head and whether he still loves you?

If you feel awful about your weight, which it sounds like you do, then make some changes. Take responsibility for doing that for you, rather than blaming your DH when it sounds like you put him in a ‘can’t win’ situation.

"...gonna make an effort to change things for me , and no one else ."

That"s brilliant.

Go for it.

It's not actually ad simple as that.

You need to get scientific about this. Forget women's magazines and get thin /diets it's irrelevant. Imperial Villege London and University College are the only ones doing real research. Once you are in BMI 35+ your chances of dieting back to a healthy weight are very very small... people can shout all they like, the science says different.

Exercise does NOT make you lose weight without also restricting calories. Which is not sustainable. (It will make you fitter which is also good!)

If you are over BMI 35 and unless you have super human resilience the only way to long term SUSTAINABLE (the really important word) weight loss is a sleeve or a bypass. As you know - bands don't work and the NHS do not do them anymore except in exceptional circumstances,

I had a sleeve. 5 years ago. 23 stone to 11.5. Saved my marriage, not because DH wanted it but because I wanted it. Stopped bring self conscious... that's all it took,