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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sex after

34 replies

Sarapq2 · 06/02/2021 16:35

Me and partner haven't had sex in about 8 months , it's been due to stress of trying for a baby , work life etc got in the way.
He has had sex with another woman a while back , I hate the idea of it but it's happened.
But how do I get our sex life back on track , like many people I've gained weight in lock down so not body confident .
Before any one suggests a few glasses of wine etc I can't drink as I'm 2 years in recovery.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 06/02/2021 16:36

Do you mean he cheated on you? If you don’t want to have sex or feel ready for it then you don’t have to have it

Aquamarine1029 · 06/02/2021 16:39

Getting your sex life back on track is the least of your problems.

Opentooffers · 06/02/2021 16:41

Did you meet your partner after you became sober? Just wondering if a lot of water is now under the bridge for both of you, so maybe you would be better off moving on than trying to make babies under the circumstances.

FabbyMagic · 06/02/2021 16:42

What were the circumstances of him cheating on you? Has he apologised loads, grovelled, etc? What a shit

FabbyMagic · 06/02/2021 16:42

Sorry how is it stress of trying for a baby if you haven’t had sex? Or have I missed something

Babyboomtastic · 06/02/2021 16:45

Just to say the absolute obvious here (as back in the 50's apparently some people did need this explaining to them).

Sex is needed to try for a baby, that's where babies come from...

So I can't see how you can be both TTC and so stressed you aren't having sex.

Original poster

Sarapq2 · 06/02/2021 16:52

@Opentooffers

I'm never going to have babies now. I met him when I was an alcoholic

OP posts:

Original poster

Sarapq2 · 06/02/2021 17:15

The TTC was stressful and we stopped after I was told it was my fault we couldn't .
But then the whole sex thing stopped , we carried on Like this and to be honest it was ok but I want more than that.

OP posts:

beenwhereyouare · 06/02/2021 17:53

First, sympathy for your fertility issues.

But secondly, and most important, you want more. And deserve it. Certainly more than someone who cheats.

Please don't give years of your life away to someone who didn't support you when you needed it. To someone you can't trust. That's no way to live.

Congratulations for 2 years in recovery; that can't have been easy. and please reach out for counselling.

Original poster

Sarapq2 · 06/02/2021 18:15

We were not together when he slept with her tho.
So has not cheated.

OP posts:

Anothernick · 06/02/2021 19:24

Why are you concerned that he had sex with someone else before you were together? Anyone who is not with their first partner, which must be about 95% of us, will have had sex with someone else in the past.

Sounds like your self esteeem is lacking and that's not surprising if you have recently found out you're not able to have children. Are you having counselling? If not then I suggest you need to get some.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 06/02/2021 19:28

I’m not sure why you are getting these comments from people.

OP, I’m sorry for your fertility issues. I understood from the very beginning that you meant the sex had stopped because of the issues.

Were you on a break from your partner when he slept with someone else?

You only need to have sex when you feel ready to.

Original poster

Sarapq2 · 06/02/2021 20:14

It was some one he slept with during our time apart not before me . He been with plenty of women before me.
I'm not really concerned about her either as I will come across as cruel now but she not exactly a looker or a nice woman , I can say this as I've known her for thirty years.

I'm trying to get our sex life on track .
I'm not having councelling as it's not going to solve my problem.

OP posts:

JustAnotherOldMan · 06/02/2021 20:43

Sorry to read about your fertility issues, I cannot imagine what that is like.

Is there a particular reason you are not having sex, as you seem to want to, do you think your partner is have erection or performance issues?

Once a couple stop having sex it can be difficult to restart as neither may want to make the 1st move due to fear of rejection (1st hand experience)
Unfortunately it sounds like you may have to make the 1st move, and it might have to be gentle n such as saying something like “I’ve noticed we’ve not had sex for a while, is everything okay with you “ and just listen to the response, which could be, “yes” or “I’m fine “, etc
But getting the conversation going might be difficult, but stick with it

Original poster

Sarapq2 · 07/02/2021 09:24

We do have a lot going on in the back ground work and family issues.
We had a talk before and he concerned that if he can't perform do to speak I'll be upset and think it's me.
It's nearly half 9 in the morning as he stressing over if the bloke he paying to work with him is going to show up for Monday .
I think we both want to and I don't know if you leave it till the stress dies down.
It's not that we not touching or no affection etc

OP posts:

Theseedsoflife · 07/02/2021 10:13

@Sarapq2 how long ago did he sleep with this other woman? I know it wasn’t cheating because you were apart but it probably still feels like a betrayal as you were clearly still emotionally involved. I have been there, my partner and me had a break where he jumped into bed with someone days later and it really hurt. It took me a year to stop getting upset about it and another year to stop thinking about it every day. It was a lot of work and I’m not sure I would do it again. The only way I got through it was because he came with some many good points that I wanted him in my life for other reasons.
Do you trust him to not hurt you again?

Original poster

Sarapq2 · 07/02/2021 10:22

Yes I trust him. I know this girl and she was with some one else the next afternoon.
The thing is I was upset but I also know he was drunk and had taken drugs .
The person next to me right now is not that man.
I'm no love sick young girl I'm 40 years old and know we can be happy.
I feel we have been thru to much to give up on us.
He has many many good points , after I threw him out I didn't have to let him back in.
I'm not financially dependant on him , our home is in my name only . I'd survive but I want him in my life .

OP posts:

bumpertobumper · 07/02/2021 10:46

It sounds like you have a lot in your plate. Well done on two years sober, that is a real achievement. Sorry for the fertility issues. And you mention that there is other stuff going on too.

PPs have suggested counselling and you reject the idea because it can't fix your problems. Of course talking to someone isn't going to solve eg your fertility issues; but talking to a therapist can make a real difference to how these things impact on you and your life. It can help you cope with and understand the impact and give you tools to eg address the lack of sex in your relationship.
Now that most counselling is done online, although the video version isn't ideal, the upside is that it is more accessible. There are many low cost counselling services available (£10-15 per session instead of £40-70 for private sessions). These usually have no or short waiting lists. If you Google low cost counselling in your area and see what comes up, you can see if you like the sound of what they offer. Please don't dismiss it completely, it might not be for you, but it could really help you.

Original poster

Sarapq2 · 07/02/2021 11:26

At the moment every penny counts I'm afraid.
I could probably get help thru work for free , the only benefits of being a nurse these days.

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 07/02/2021 11:48

Is he keeping away from the drink and drugs now too? I think you both need to if going to be happy together.
Open communication is key, you need to be close and comfortable with each other in general for the rest to occur. You talk a lot of stress, you say he's stressed over things that may not happen and seen out of proportion. I'd say you are perhaps experiencing higher stress as neither of you are relying on the unhealthy crutch of substance use that was a stress outlet. You need to replace the old crutches with new ones, like taking walks or other exercise together.
Drugs and alcohol are an avoidance of problems, rather than dealing and talking. If you are both used to not talking, I can see it would be hard to cope with things that some people may take in their stride.

JustAnotherOldMan · 07/02/2021 12:24

@Sarapq2
Hats off to you being a nurse right now, that must be tough.

stress can kill male sex drive (push it to the back of the mind), and if you try a force sex and he cannot perform, it justs makes the situation worse and causes a viscous circle.
If you’re relationship is solid ( sounds like it is) , I don’t think you really need to worry too much, just continue to support each other, and try to find some down time to be together and I’m sure it will restart naturally

Original poster

Sarapq2 · 08/02/2021 08:40

Hi
Yes I definitely picked the wrong time to go into nursing again and to be honest I wish I hadn't bothered as been back less than a year and im not happy.

We are solid , he admits he made a stupid mistake and trying to move forward.

OP posts:

heir42 · 08/02/2021 08:51

Giving eachother massages to start ?maybe when he comes home from work?

RealisticSketch · 08/02/2021 08:59

When me and dh want through a period of hight stress etc and our sex life suffered, it felt really weird to try to have sex again at first. Making the first move just felt...odd. we had a chat about it and worked out what was missing. We were still affectionate etc like you but we had stopped flirting and the affection was rather platonic, it has no cheeky edge iyswim. So, we got that going first, flirty things, hugs that suggested other things weren't out of mind... Then the rest followed and it stopped being weird. We've been together nearly 19 years and still fancy each other and are all good now.

RealisticSketch · 08/02/2021 09:01

I found behaving more sexily with the flooring, made me feel more sexy which also encouraged me to look after myself more and on it goes

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