Feeling lonely in my marriage

[Womadia28]

Just that. So many issues throughout the years (DH drinking, lying, gaslighting all connected), I think we’re doing ok and then we’re back to me feeling like a housemate rather than partner. I’m so scared though to break up, lockdown has made me feel so lonely not only within my marriage but with friendships too.

I feel stuck and miserable. Tried talking to him but it’s me who is the issue apparently.

Hope someone has wise words as it feels so bleak and depressing (I have that too).

Well being with a lying drunk will take it out of you OP. Have you children? Do you own the house? Or rent?

It sounds like you've tried and he's not made any effort. For the record, my DH used to drink and it made him the most awful person...grumpy and selfish.

He stopped when he realised I'd leave if he didn't. It's been 5 years now.

Would it be easy for you to leave practically?

I also feel lonely in my marriage.
He has lied to me in the past, nothing big, but usually because he knows I won’t be happy about something or wouldn’t agree.
He drinks a bottle of wine every night, stays up until 1, 2, 3am, then gets up any time after 10am. Early retirement, so just floats through the day.
I wish he would just go. I’d happily buy him out of the house, but he wouldn’t agree to it.
We are two people living in a house together. That’s it.

I was in your position though thankfully not during lockdown. Everything was my fault but he was also drinking, lying and gaslighting, which he accused me of doing to him. Then there were the times when we were getting along quite the thing, making plans, but it always returned to the bad times.

I too felt utterly miserable and didn't know how to fix it but thankfully he left me for his OW (although I still had to tell him to go because he wouldn't even take responsibility for that ). Although it was upsetting to begin with as soon as he was out of the house the fog started to clear and it has never returned. I feel human again, I am more sure in my thinking, I had health issues relating to stress - they are now gone, I am myself again. I am happier than I've ever been.

You can be too, Womadia, you just need the courage to take the leap. It's a terrifying prospect, I know, but it will be so worth it. I think if you can speak to someone in RL it can start the ball rolling to take the first step.

I wouldn't let him know what you are thinking BTW, he might ramp up his behaviour. You need to do what you can to keep safe.

Thank you for replying @FortunesFave

I don’t think he makes the effort but he thinks he does as he has joined the AA meetings, etc. I can’t leave as I have DC (both teens) and house worry issues. I work now but it’s contractual so not a regular income.

I don’t think in all honesty I could leave in lockdown. I feel really lonely with everything. Today I’d mentioned us going out as a family but he’s now unwell and DC whine if I suggest them coming off their games.

I’m stuck in my office working as don’t feel I’ve anything to do. It sounds moany and bored housewife sounding but it’s more than that, I’ve battled to get myself out of the melancholy and lockdown but this week I’ve felt like I can’t do this anymore.

I feel your pain @DinosaurDiana❤️

Having teens doesn't stop you from leaving Womadia
But I get that you don't feel ready.

And attending AA meetings is only worthwhile if you actually stop drinking.

You need to do something for you 💐
Go out for a walk and leave them at home, have some ‘you’ time.
Stick some of your favourite music on and have a boogie.
Run a bubble bath and have a glass of wine in there tonight.

Thanks @ReggaePerrin I’m having counselling as I can’t talk to anyone in RL. I fell out with a very good friend years ago who I used talk about my problems with, no one that close now, everyone is dealing with their own issues with lockdown.

I’m sorry your ex did this to you, I would leave but feel trapped financially and emotionally with DC. I recognise the good times bad times and wish he would meet someone else but doubt that will happen!

I love your suggestions thank you. Just feel very teary and fed up like my life feels like it is stuck with no excitement or stuff to look forward to.

I’m too weak and scared to leave, some days I’m too scared to leave the house unless for work.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You are likely to be codependent and that state is doing you no favours either. What you have tried to date has not worked.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, did you see a heavily drinking parent at home?.

Staying with an alcoholic for the sake of the children is not going to work out well for anyone, least of all them. They will not say “thanks mum” to you for doing that and they could well accuse you of putting him before them. That will also damage your own relationship with them when they are adults.

All you are doing by staying is just prolonging the agony for you all. Enabling your h as you have done only gives you a false sense of control and does not help you or anyone. I would urge you to make the break and sooner rather than later. It won’t be any worse than where you are at now.

Is your counsellor actually helpful?. Are they knowledgeable about abuse in relationships?.

I would urge you to contact Al-anon as they are very helpful to people affected by another persons excessive drinking.

You say that you are stuck, but are you really ?
I spoke to a solicitor last year and he said they start with the 50:50 split, but they prefer the mother in the home with the children ( don’t have a go, it’s what he said).
If I were you I’d mentally get my ducks in a row and see if you actually could leave.

I didn’t have family members who drank, all
good there as I’ve talked with my counsellor about this.

It’s more than his drinking I feel lonely when he’s not, I’m taken for granted.

Nothing will change until you change how you react to him.

I know it won’t, it’s so hard to do anything at the moment

But it’s far harder to stay within this for what is really no good reason.
Is this really what you to teach your children about relationships here?. It’s no legacy to leave them. Better to be from a so-called broken home than to remain in one.

I understand it's hard, Womadia, making such a huge change is very overwhelming.

What Attila said about nothing changing until you change how you react to him - you can start small. When you want to go out and no-one else does - you go out. Put your boots on and leave them to whatever they're doing. Even if you're just going up one side of the street and back down the other, you're getting out, doing your own thing and doing yourself good. You'll probably feel just that little bit better and when you get funny looks or comments for daring to have a bit of you time, just smile . You can do this

I feel more down after posting as it’s been a real struggle today and I just feel so overwhelmed. He’s unwell (not Covid) but he popped out himself (even though he’s ill) to do some errands (not sure what) and brought me a cup of tea when he came back but I felt so angry with him.

He always thinks he can be nasty and turns it’s on me that I’m the unreasonable one and that behaviour is not due to alchohol, it’s just him being him.

My confidence is bashed😣

Your husband is emotionally abusing you, it's little wonder you feel crap.

Do you feel you could contact Women's Aid? I didn't think for a minute I needed their help but my solicitor recommended I contact them, which I did and it made a huge difference to my recovery and sorting stuff out.

They'd be very good for helping you put what you need to do into managable steps and supporting you through everything.

When are you due to speak to your counsellor next?

I stayed feeling trapped for years. I have one young dd, and still have no job. I found a way to leave and yes I do have worries but I'm so much happier. It wasn't easy but it was worth it. I don't think I'd have coped with more years living that way. I found it far more lonelier being in a lonely relationship than I've ever felt being actually alone. I know it's scary and seems overwhelming, but find someone you can talk to, even if it's someone online, and take it one step at a time. Make a plan. That's my advice. Don't waste more years being unhappy, it's not worth it.

I had to break away from a relationship that went like housemates. It was hard to sit down and say look this isn't working. But we were in a sexless relationship with no kissing etc..we stopped laughing and conversations were dull. In the end I had to be true with myself. It wasn't healthy and I was not enjoying life

I can relate to this. My OH has large dry spells but keeps odd hours - comes to bed at 4am and doesn’t get up until 11am-Midday sometimes.
When he’s drinking the mood is worse. Same sort of hours kept.
I honestly feel this lockdown is almost breaking me. I have to walk the family dog each day, which helps, but today he’s tried to block me from walking with anyone (friend) because of his health condition (spurious - he is asthmatic) and I was initially almost begging him by saying “I have to walk, it’s the only thing I’ve got”.
Sorry to hijack, it’s not my intention, I just really Know where you’re at. I am staying calm, I am trying to think ahead to better times including freedom.

Thanks for your messages, I have felt like this for years, I’m trying to build up courage.

@ReggaePerrin I will get in touch with WA, I’m taking small steps to me time, thank you for your kindness. I’m speaking to my counsellor tomorrow.

My friendships are casual now it’s hard to talk to anyone about how I feel. I miss strong friendships from my younger days. Lost when I got with DH.

@Mamamidlife sorry to hear you’re going through this too, why does he block you from going out? Have you told friends what’s going on?

@Womadia28 The blocking me going out for a walk with a friend relates to his health anxieties.
I feel incredibly lonely as even though we’re ‘together’ we are not together! He spends all his time on his own things, appears at meal times but doesn’t want a conversation really just to be left to do his own things. He always withdraws and especially if we disagree - we disagreed about the risk of me walking with one person but I walked anyway so was subjected to being ignored last night.
Tbh, I know it’s all wrong but it is less shocking than years ago when he began doing it to me. Doesn’t make it right but should give me impetus to change things for myself.
How are you today? Hope you can do one small thing for yourself? I’ve rediscovered a love of having a bath - play a podcast while I relax a bit and it is very enjoyable. Not suggesting it’s a solution but just try and find something that gives you pleasure, it helps.