Feeling lonely in my marriage

[Womadia28]

Just that. So many issues throughout the years (DH drinking, lying, gaslighting all connected), I think we’re doing ok and then we’re back to me feeling like a housemate rather than partner. I’m so scared though to break up, lockdown has made me feel so lonely not only within my marriage but with friendships too.

I feel stuck and miserable. Tried talking to him but it’s me who is the issue apparently.

Hope someone has wise words as it feels so bleak and depressing (I have that too).

I’m in the same boat so I completely relate

Thanks @Mamamidlife and @Chiccie, I have managed to carve out some me time this afternoon, they’ve gone to the park.

Still feel down, put upon and lonely, the latter feeling is the worse bit. Hard looking on social media at acquaintances and old friends doing things together as families and smiling and laughing. There’s so much unhappiness and tension in our house, I am probably like your DH @Mamamidlife as I retreat into my room😔

Yep totally understanding this. I have no idea how I got in this position. I used to love my life before I met him

Are you doing the suggestions mentioned here @Chiccie? I’ve felt a bit better this afternoon, I’m dreading them all returning.

Funny how we feel such empty shells of who we used to be, I’ve changed so much too

I can’t stand having to compromise with a belligerent adult. I want my own space and paddle my own canoe. Sick of the drudgery and loneliness and disrespect that comes from my marriage. We are not compatible.

Is there anyone you can talk to irl op? I made the decision to leave about 4 years before I actually did. It took me a long time to take that step. He was controlling and abusive and I'd lost all my friends over the course of the relationship. I was completely financially dependent on him - which I see now was part of it. I thought for a long time that my options were to suck it up and carry on, to run away and live on the streets, or to kill myself (sorry). And the last two would mean abandoning my dd and I didn't want to do that. It was so hard to leave and I was so scared that I wouldn't able to cope because he had done everything to do with running a household (besides housework and childcare) and had put me down constantly for such a long time. I had no belief in myself or my ability to live as an independent adult. I completely relate to feeling like an empty shell. I was a different person when I met him. It was so many small things happening over time, it wore me down without me knowing, until one day it felt like it was too late to change anything.

Eventually I got to the stage where I knew I just had to get away or I felt like I would die one way or the other. It might sound dramatic, but I didn't think I could carry on. I wasn't eating or sleeping, my weight was painfully low and my mental health was so bad. I started writing about the relationship on Mumsnet one day (under different names), then progressed to speaking to my mum and became more open with her over time. She had no idea what he was like. I was advised both by MN and my mum, to speak to women's aid but it took me a long time to be brave enough to contact them. I'd always worried I was making mountains out of molehills and that my problems weren't bad enough and that they had more priority women in need of help. I needn't have worried. They put me in touch with a local women's shelter who I talked to and who put me on a course explaining about abuse and the different types. Then I got in touch with a very old friend who I'd barely spoken to in years, and I told her as much as I could. Speaking to people gave me some kind of energy and made me feel less alone.

My mum and friend both wanted to help practically, and I was very kindly loaned enough money so that I could leave until I sorted myself out. The alternative would have been the local women's shelter but I was afraid for the same reasons I'd been afraid to contact women's aid initially. I felt undeserving. After a few weeks of secret talks with my mum and my friend, I kept putting off leaving until one day something made me snap and I just left. I can't remember what it was now, but I've never looked back. I still have a lot to sort out but I feel so free now. I'm focusing on my mental and physical health while I can, looking for jobs at the same time and I have applied for Universal Credits which I hope I will get.

I really do feel like a weight is off my back and as if I have a future now. It's not been that long for me since I left. I write a lot of things down in like a journal, talking about my feelings and my plans and my goals and so on. The emotional/psychological abuse took a bit of a toll on me and I still struggle sometimes to know what's right and wrong/true and false etc, but I'm a lot more sure of myself than I was. Sorry for the very long post and I know it might not all seem relevant to you, but I wanted to explain how I left and how it has worked out so far.

Sorry - I didn't make the decision to leave 4 years before I did. I knew I wanted to leave 4 years before I did, and I thought about the how's and whys etc during that time, but never had a plan and thought I never would be able to do it. So it wasn't a decision I made four years ago, it was more of a "I wish I could leave but I can't and I'm stuck here".

That is such a good post, Baggo. I too felt I didn't need WA (my support worker said that if she had a pound for everyone who said that ...) but I absolutely did. My ex's abuse was so subtle, so insidious, it was easily deniable and the few people I've told were so shocked as he comes across very differently in public. I felt I was going out of my mind but now that I've got the space to think clearly I realise it was just the gaslighting and constant but very subtle negativity that made me the frog being boiled.

Funny how we feel such empty shells of who we used to be, I’ve changed so much too

I didn't realise what I was like when I was with him, it's only now that my head's clear I can see how different I was (and not necessarily nice ). My mum said that I would become myself again and I think I have. I don't doubt my thinking let alone my decisions, I can choose to like something or someone if I want and I don't dread hearing his car drawing up. I feel for you all still in this situation

Womadia, I hope your you time has lifted your spirits enough to see you through to your next move

You can do this, all of you

Thank you Baggo. Reading your story, your absolute courage and bravery is very heartening and gives me hope.
I cannot tell you all the ways a little bit of me has been chipped off and died. I have looked at the WA freedom course but felt too undeserving almost as all haven’t suffered physical abuse. I know from everything now that it’s emotional and psychological abuse I’ve suffered and that it is real.
My parents know about my husband, in fact he’s been very rude and unkind at times but they don’t really get it when I say “abuse”. I suspect they think it’s me over dramatising. My Mother is a bit tricky, likes to minimise my problems etc so I don’t always rely on her for emotional support.
I’ve shared with a friend today which has helped. Sending all those who feel in this situation, a huge hug and understanding.

Mama, I was the same re WA because my abuse was mostly emotional but my support worker said EA is almost worse, I think because it's more intentional and thought out. Most of my physical abuse had been sudden and when he was drunk.

I have found that the only people who truly understand are those who have been through it. That's not to say you can't be supported by others but sometimes if they don't get it or minimise it, it can make it even harder for you.

Thank you for sharing what has happened to you, I can really relate to your experiences with your ex partners, I’m looking into contacting WA. Really appreciate you all sharing your experiences ❤️

How are you op x

@Itstimetoquit I’m still in a very bad place😢, I made the call but chickened out. I’ve just had to help him to bed off the loo as he got drunk.

I’m making plans tomorrow to come out of this postlockdown, I’m feeling shocked, sad and angry.

I feel for you op (sending hugs) don't feel you have no one to talk to! you can message me anytime xxxx