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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m not sure if this is working

39 replies

Mollyalone · 06/02/2021 09:34

Hi, a bit of background- I’ve been with my DP nearly 3 years and last May we bought a house together.
I have a 19 yr old DS and my partners son is 26.At first my DP,’s son went to live with his mum as we moved out of the town he grew up in about 25 miles away. That lasted about 6 weeks as she didn’t want the girlfriend staying every night and I understand that as although sweet and pleasant enough she has a very loud and annoying giggle/ laugh and can be heard late at night laughing her head off with no respect for the fact that people are sleeping.
So he moved in with us and on the same day the girlfriend came with him and now without asking has moved in to.
I’m so unhappy about this as this wasn’t the deal and just taken for granted. My partner doesn’t think it’s a problem where as I very much do. They are having sex every night and I can here everything from my lounge as the bed and floorboards creak really loudly. The girlfriend now works from home since lockdown and has taken over my dinning room again I wasn’t asked just told and expected to accept this.

My Son works from home too but in his bedroom, during the day he comes downstairs for snacks or to make lunch and get a can of drink, he can sometimes be messy and I’ve had a word about it and he now does clear up after himself. My DP is always having a go at and about him to me , any snide remark he can fit in !
So now to my point and this has really pissed me off... 2 days ago my DP said he was going to the shop and do I need anything, I asked for bread , milk and Diet Coke , he said no not getting coke as he pointing upwards to my Son drinks it all ( which is not true) anyway we ran out totally and I didn’t have any to take with my packed lunch ..no big deal really I thought no more about it.
I noticed that there was some in the fridge last night and asked DP did he buy some after all and he said yes with a defiant look and said he had hidden it as he (pointing to sons room) drinks about 5 cans a day.
I’m so angry about this as he had shown a snidely spiteful side to him which I really don’t like and now my gut feeling is this is only going to get worse. My Son pays his keep on time every month so I can’t see a problem with him drinking cans of Coke from the fridge as it was never a problem when it was just my DS and myself.
My DP’s DS has to be chased for his keep every month without fail.

I know this might sound petty but it’s hard to explain everything in a post but this has just made me feel so trapped living with a man who is now showing the real him that I don’t like, I can’t stand snidey sneaky people it’s fast becoming a deal breaker.

But I’m trapped now and so unhappy, I just want to leave

Thankyou for getting this far any advice or take on the situation would be really appreciated x

OP posts:
Hullish · 06/02/2021 09:45

I would leave.

You are being shown absolutely no respect in your own home. Is it a mortgaged property?

Bananalanacake · 06/02/2021 09:48

I think you moved in too soon. Would it be better to see your dp once or twice a week and live separately. Then you could have as much coke as you want. I hope your ds girlfriend is paying towards the bills. What a cheeky cow, moving in without asking.

Original poster
Mollyalone · 06/02/2021 09:55

Hi, yes it’s a mortgaged house we both put equal amounts from the sale of our previous homes in to it.
That’s why I’m feeling trapped really I just want out as I feel on edge the whole time with the emerging situation around DP and my DS. I know we are all protective over our children and rightly so but this has just shown a snide controlling side to my partner that has really got to me.

OP posts:
cameocat · 06/02/2021 09:58

That is truly awful. You and your son are not equal and being treated really badly. Sell the house, take your share and don't look back.

stuckinaloopie · 06/02/2021 09:59

Why are these grown men still living with you in the house though? A 26 and a 19 year old. Even has the audacity to bring his girlfriend!?!

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 06/02/2021 10:11

Our young adults were always boomeranging back and forth. Rents are high, wages are low. Why wouldn’t they live there?

One left at 26 for good
One at 28
Ones still here at 27.

They’re fun to have around and as long as they pay board there’s no problem.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 06/02/2021 10:12

And yeah, girlfriends were here too. What’s audacious about that?🤷🏼‍♀️

Original poster
Mollyalone · 06/02/2021 11:25

That’s all fine if young teenagers or adult children have your blessing and permission to have their partners to stay , but not when it’s just taken for granted and it makes you feel like a lodger in your own home.
I’m just so unhappy with the whole situation and can’t see a way out of it

OP posts:
litterbird · 06/02/2021 11:32

No one is ever trapped. You are not trapped. If you feel you want to make plans to leave then leave. It will take a bit of unravelling regarding the house etc but remember....NO ONE IS TRAPPED!!! See if you can try and manage the situation for a bit longer until this lockdown is over, talk frankly to your partner and all the children together....an important family meeting....get everything out in the air. See how it goes...if you are walked over again....then put in place leaving. Once again, you.....are.....not....trapped.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 06/02/2021 11:32

But this is what happens when you marry someone with children.

Your steps are allowed to live in their parents home. Like other kids. I had 2 steps in our house. They weren’t ‘lodgers’ fgs. It was their home. Like it’s yours.

londonscalling · 06/02/2021 11:33

The girlfriend needs to move out!

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 06/02/2021 11:34

But your Dh sounds horrible to your ds. And I’ve lived in a step family for 20 years. This never happened.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/02/2021 11:38

You’re not trapped. What was your housing situation like before you moved in together? Did you live together before buying?

You clearly have to leave. You know that. So what you need is steps to take to get out and quickly. You’ll have to sell the house unless one of you can buy the other out.

What do you want to do?

How long is your son planning to live with you? (Will affect what sort of housing you need)

You know the relationship is over.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/02/2021 11:40

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

But this is what happens when you marry someone with children.

Your steps are allowed to live in their parents home. Like other kids. I had 2 steps in our house. They weren’t ‘lodgers’ fgs. It was their home. Like it’s yours.

You know that’s completely irrelevant to OP’s situation so what’s your point other than to stick the boot in? She hasn’t said her SS isn’t allowed to live there. She’s not complaining about him. She’s rightly complaining about his annoying gf who moved in without discussion, and her nasty bullying partner who’s rude to her son. He’s also a step parent and he’s choosing to be a dick. Where’s your criticism of him?
Meggymoo777 · 06/02/2021 11:40
  1. The girlfriend needs to move out... this weekend! The absolute cheek 🙄
  2. you need to have a round table discussion about what is expected of you all living in the house. Standing orders set up for housekeeping, levels of cleanliness etc.
  3. you need to pull your DP up in his behaviour towards your DS. Not acceptable in any way .
Meggymoo777 · 06/02/2021 11:45

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

But this is what happens when you marry someone with children.

Your steps are allowed to live in their parents home. Like other kids. I had 2 steps in our house. They weren’t ‘lodgers’ fgs. It was their home. Like it’s yours.

But they're not children? They're adults! And it doesn't matter about the 'step' set up. I moved back in with my Mum for 6months at the age of 19, paid her housekeeping and considered myself a lodger I. That I respected that the space was my Mums, I paid my way and cleaned up after myself.
Original poster
Mollyalone · 06/02/2021 11:50

I had my own little house with my son, DP stayed most nights with me and everything was ok , but now we own the house together it’s like I have seen the real him and the issue with hiding Coke away from my son is just not on its controlling.
I’m mad with myself now for putting us in this situation, I don’t want to be here I want my own home again where I don’t feel on edge and not treated so disrespectfully.
It’s the age old problem of money at the moment, I have a small pension I can take in March as a lump sum that will buy a small runaround car and a deposit on a rental until the house can be sold.
I have to try and talk to DP and tell him how I feel and it’s not worked out for me but I know it’s not going to be easy as he has a way of only hearing what he wants to hear. And the house is full up of adults so no peace n quiet or privacy.
It’s a mess but that issue with hiding the Coke has just finished it for me

OP posts:
Meggymoo777 · 06/02/2021 11:54

You hadn't said what your relationship is like OP? Do you still love him/want to be with him?
You do need to have a very Frank discussion about how you're feeling, going so far as to say that you think his treatment of DS is completely out of order, you won't tolerate it and you're considering moving because of it.
The cheeky mare of a GF needs to go first though I think.
Sorry you're going through this, sounds shit x

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/02/2021 12:00

Go for a walk if you need time and space to talk. Send him an email if you want to explain your feelings without interruptions. But I think you know he’s fine with the status quo - pandering to his son and the gf and picking on your son.

Tbh if you know he’s not going to listen and respect what you have to say that’s another bad sign.

March isn’t far off now. Start making plans.

The diet coke thing isn’t a small one as it’s highlighted his attitude to your son which you already knew was a problem. It’s usually the proverbial straw that makes people decide it’s over.

What do you need to do to get yourself in a place to tell him it’s over and plan a life without him?

Original poster
Mollyalone · 06/02/2021 12:00

I’m not sure the loves there anymore really, I feel like it’s run it’s course and unfortunately us buying this house has highlighted the cracks in the relationship.
My Son is saving every month for the hope of buying his own home in the future but that’s a long time off as we all know how hard it is to get a foot on the ladder these days.
I need to be brave and try and find a way out

Thankyou so much for all your replies so far it’s helpful for me to understand I’m not being unreasonable but they are being disrespectful it giving me a bit of strength to try and sort this mess out

OP posts:
Original poster
Mollyalone · 06/02/2021 12:03

I’m my own worst enemy as I’m soft and I have let this happen without speaking up from the start, but I don’t like bad feeling and try keeping the peace
Sadly this has now gone to far

OP posts:
Meggymoo777 · 06/02/2021 12:05

@Mollyalone

I’m my own worst enemy as I’m soft and I have let this happen without speaking up from the start, but I don’t like bad feeling and try keeping the peace Sadly this has now gone to far
You need to tackle the GF issue ASAP OP... promise yourself you'll address this as soon as you can. 5 adults in a house must be so hard, especially when one is totally uninvited. This is your home, put the foot down. Your DPs reaction to this issue could be interesting.
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 06/02/2021 12:42

Mollyalone please don't blame yourself for this situation. You couldn't reasonably have predicted this surely? Can I suggest that cashing in your pension should be a last resort? That's potentially your future financial security. If there's another way of raising a deposit, even on a credit card etc, please think hard about it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/02/2021 12:44

Give yourself a break. You’ve seen the light now and have asked for advice on here and are putting steps in place to get yourself out and free. Don’t waste time beating yourself up when you could be using it to plan your future life.

I disagree about trying to get the gf out. It’s a drama you don’t need when you’ve already decided it’s over and you’re getting out. He won’t agree with you based on his current disregard for your feelings. He’ll use it as a stick to beat you with because his only priority is his man child adult son and if his son wants the gf there that’s what he’ll want too.

Try and detach and concentrate on your plans. Ignore the drama and irritations. Buy the food and drink you and your son enjoy, start to quietly live separate lives until you can move out.

Original poster
Mollyalone · 06/02/2021 12:46

Hi, my pension is a very small one about 10k and will give me a small leg up to being free again. It is a frozen pension from a job I had years ago.
I work for the NHS so will receive my pension from them when I retire in 12 years so I’m not to worried about cashing this little one in as I have no money whatsoever to be able to leave and set up again.

OP posts: