I’m not sure if this is working

[Mollyalone]

Hi, a bit of background- I’ve been with my DP nearly 3 years and last May we bought a house together.
I have a 19 yr old DS and my partners son is 26.At first my DP,’s son went to live with his mum as we moved out of the town he grew up in about 25 miles away. That lasted about 6 weeks as she didn’t want the girlfriend staying every night and I understand that as although sweet and pleasant enough she has a very loud and annoying giggle/ laugh and can be heard late at night laughing her head off with no respect for the fact that people are sleeping.
So he moved in with us and on the same day the girlfriend came with him and now without asking has moved in to.
I’m so unhappy about this as this wasn’t the deal and just taken for granted. My partner doesn’t think it’s a problem where as I very much do. They are having sex every night and I can here everything from my lounge as the bed and floorboards creak really loudly. The girlfriend now works from home since lockdown and has taken over my dinning room again I wasn’t asked just told and expected to accept this.

My Son works from home too but in his bedroom, during the day he comes downstairs for snacks or to make lunch and get a can of drink, he can sometimes be messy and I’ve had a word about it and he now does clear up after himself. My DP is always having a go at and about him to me , any snide remark he can fit in !
So now to my point and this has really pissed me off... 2 days ago my DP said he was going to the shop and do I need anything, I asked for bread , milk and Diet Coke , he said no not getting coke as he pointing upwards to my Son drinks it all ( which is not true) anyway we ran out totally and I didn’t have any to take with my packed lunch ..no big deal really I thought no more about it.
I noticed that there was some in the fridge last night and asked DP did he buy some after all and he said yes with a defiant look and said he had hidden it as he (pointing to sons room) drinks about 5 cans a day.
I’m so angry about this as he had shown a snidely spiteful side to him which I really don’t like and now my gut feeling is this is only going to get worse. My Son pays his keep on time every month so I can’t see a problem with him drinking cans of Coke from the fridge as it was never a problem when it was just my DS and myself.
My DP’s DS has to be chased for his keep every month without fail.

I know this might sound petty but it’s hard to explain everything in a post but this has just made me feel so trapped living with a man who is now showing the real him that I don’t like, I can’t stand snidey sneaky people it’s fast becoming a deal breaker.

But I’m trapped now and so unhappy, I just want to leave

Thankyou for getting this far any advice or take on the situation would be really appreciated x

Did your DP sell a property too @Mollyalone? Or was his only chance of getting on the housing ladder was for you to sell your home - if thats the case, i'd say you've been targetted and now that he's got what he wants he doesn't care all that much.

Your DP sounds like an arse tbh. Sounds like you and DS would be much happier living without him and his entitled DS.

I would be saying to your partner that you are really pissed off that your son is paying housekeeping but he is getting annoyed at him for drinking Coke.
However, he doesn't seem bothered that his son has moved his girlfriend in, she's taken over the dining room, you can hear them having sex etc and his housekeeping is very hit and miss!!!!

Just cut your losses. Tell him it’s not working and you want to separate. Get the house valued. Start the ball rolling. It might be awkward for a while, but keep focused on being back in your own little, peaceful house.

I’ve politely pointed out the above points all of them he just shrugs his shoulders and says “ I don’t know “ in other words I don’t care about what my Son is doing your Son just gets on my nerves, not that he’s done anything disrespectful to justify being annoying or rude .

It’s a mess and I’m just going to have to unravel it a bit at a time.

How this will work is you tell him it's not working and that you want to end the relationship and sell the house immediately. No further discussions - you've tried this already. Don't move out or he'll block the sale. Sell no chain - move into rented (with your son) on completion whilst you find somewhere else to buy.

Partner and his son/gf aren't your problem.

If he refuses to sell, you will need to apply to court for an order to sell.

If he love bombs you or comes up with a surprise marriage proposal (to further legally constrain you from leaving, with marriage) stay strong and leave. This is who he is once he has his feet under the table and becomes (in his own mind) master of the house.

@Mollyalone

I had my own little house with my son, DP stayed most nights with me and everything was ok , but now we own the house together it’s like I have seen the real him and the issue with hiding Coke away from my son is just not on its controlling. I’m mad with myself now for putting us in this situation, I don’t want to be here I want my own home again where I don’t feel on edge and not treated so disrespectfully. It’s the age old problem of money at the moment, I have a small pension I can take in March as a lump sum that will buy a small runaround car and a deposit on a rental until the house can be sold. I have to try and talk to DP and tell him how I feel and it’s not worked out for me but I know it’s not going to be easy as he has a way of only hearing what he wants to hear. And the house is full up of adults so no peace n quiet or privacy. It’s a mess but that issue with hiding the Coke has just finished it for me

Would you consider working on it? Tell him how you feel and tell him this kind of attitude needs to stop. Then if it doesn't break up? He may stop when he realises it's upsetting you.

I would point out to him it's highly hypocritical as the cokes won't amount to the extra food, drink and utilities his son's girlfriend is using yet he doesn't have a problem with that.

I agree with you though, always put you and your kids first.

OP, this house is equally yours. Tell your DP that his sons gf is not welcome to live with you. End of. That is not unreasonable and hopefully if she goes, he will go too. Come on! Be strong. Why are you allowing this? It all sounds unbearable anyway so nothing to lose. It is win-win. You get rid of her and if DP kicks off you sort the end of your relationship with him out practically.

I feel like you have to tackle the girlfriend issue first.Raise your grieviances with your son so he can speak to her.If no changes after a few weeks then maybe ask her to leave.

@Mollyalone

I’ve politely pointed out the above points all of them he just shrugs his shoulders and says “ I don’t know “ in other words I don’t care about what my Son is doing your Son just gets on my nerves, not that he’s done anything disrespectful to justify being annoying or rude .

It’s a mess and I’m just going to have to unravel it a bit at a time.

Perhaps you shouldn't be pointing these things out so politely!

You mental health is suffering ... for you sake and your DS sake ... please find your inner voice and strength and kick her out back to her parents... and decide from there how to get your life back ...

I feel for you OP.. I feel your distress in every post 🌺

Tell him you didn’t agree to the gf moving in and you want her out. Better still tell her to get face right now. Cheeky bastards. Now you know why the ex split with him. You’ve been used! Tell your dp that you’re not happy and things need to change or you’ll have to work out how to split the house. Can you afford to buy him out?