I want a divorce but I need advice

[mumto4gorgeouschildren]

Hello everyone, I'm a mum to 4 and have been married nearly 17 years. I am 34 and marries really young at 18. My DH was awful and physically abusive as well as emotionally. Things got a little better as in he stopped physically abusing me but still mentally tortured me and the emotional abuse too. Anyway today he got me across my face really hard twice Infront of me eldest dd 14. He's generally a dad but has an awful temper and he goes 0-100 in a split second with any of us. Regularly to the eldest dd too. That's what happened today and I tried to intervene. He totally lost it. He sits there telling her lies about me abs now everytime he argues with mr he keeps calling the dc down to see and hear it as he knows it will annoy me. I don't then respond abs he says awful lies about me. The dc get terrified. But on a daily basis they love him he plays it's them and spends time with them too it he's too hard on them and expects too much.
Anyway long story short I've decided I want to separate, I stopped working after I had my youngest dc 3. We own our house and now he's insisting we sell it and I leave with the children. I don't have a job the money I'll get from the house is close to 100k I assume. Where will I go? How will I do this? I live in London so obviously won't be able to afford to buy a place here, I really want to get my own place and settle my dc. I need to find work. I don't have any qualifications either. I'd love to be able to train and make money for the dc. Someone please help. What shall I do? I need to leave this toxic reactionahip, he just never realised his mistake, it's always someone else's fault for triggering his reaction and I've had enough.

Sorry for the long post

Anyone awake?

A lot of things to unpick here. On a practical level, you clearly need advice about what you can expect in child benefit, whether you woudl eligible for a council house (probably), and other financial matters. Get all that information together, all the numbers that you need, all your potential income without a job, sit down and work out where you can afford to live and where there are a lot of jobs. Personally I would recommend getting out of London as the exh is almost guaranteed to cause more trouble. Have a look at Milton Keynes - it's not as ugly as everyone says, half an hour to Euston, much more space, and probably quite a few jobs going. If you've worked in the past, then you'll be able to get work again.
But your first step is getting the information together, and calming down. if the man is being angry and shouty, don't respond. do'nt let it all get out of control, just walk away, make your plans, and keep your children safe.

Talk to women's aid because he is a vile abuser and you need to be free of him. They do a 'freerom vourse'.

Talk to a solicitor, you can sometimes get free initial advice.

Get your papers together, passports, legal documents, money etc

When you say 100k do you mean he will give you all the house or that is half the house?

Agree with moving out of London.

Look up coercive control .

"Anyway today he got me across my face really hard twice Infront of me eldest dd 14. He's generally a dad but has an awful temper and he goes 0-100 in a split second with any of us. Regularly to the eldest dd too. That's what happened today and I tried to intervene. He totally lost it. "

Do you mean he hit you?

I would consider invoking the police.

Keep your plans from him. Decide what to do and keep it secret.

Don't have any more kids with him.

Is he older than you?

@costco yes that's what I'm going to try and do. I guess I will have to move out from London, I don't mind that too much but I guess he will try and create trouble abs say he wants to be close to the kids for contact.

@Italiangreyhound sorry that was a typo ur was suppose to say he hit me across the face. He is older than me but not much, he's just been bought up with him believing he's right about everything and he's perfect he truly believes that.
When I say 100k that's half the house equality after selling it. I'm just assuming here that I'll get half.

I really want to try and not call womens aid or police, I just want to make my exit but I know he won't make it easy. I would prefer he leaves and I stay here with the dc so I don't have to uproot them, I can get a job locally dc are at school and my family is local but he won't because in his words' he wants to see me suffer'.

Also so sorry about my typos

Why are you reluctant to call them?. Do not be afraid of calling both Women’s Aid and the police here. Coercive control is a crime.

Like practically all abusers he will not let go of you that easily (he likes having you around to abuse you and in turn the kids) so you may well need to enlist these services to help you. At the very least you need to seek legal advice for yourself re divorce. It would also be advised to look at both non molestation and occupation orders re him too.

I really want to try and not call womens aid or police

Why? Doing so would enable you to protect your children and yourself from this extreme abuse.

You can't and shouldn't do it alone, you need their help.

Keeping his secrets has prevented you from protecting your children thus far. It's time to break that cycle by reaching out for help and accepting it.

This man terrorises and abuses his own children. They are already damaged by his behaviour. He doesn't even deserve to be referred to as a dad. He is despicable.

Women's Aid

Police

Freedom Programme

Citizens Advice

Really you need to speak to domestic abuse services and get the authorities involved. That way you've got a chance of getting him out of the house with an occupation order and non-molestation order, and of getting Legal Aid with the divorce and having more support with things like access down the road.

If you don't go that route, and just leave and try to do it all on your own, you'll have to find money for solicitors and may struggle to get him to sell up/buy you out and get your share of the marital assets. And you need your share as you have 4 dc to support.

Agree with AttilaTheMeerkat

"Why are you reluctant to call them?. Do not be afraid of calling both Women’s Aid and the police here. Coercive control is a crime."

He has told you he wants you to suffer. Do everything you can to lesson his control of you.

At least call women's aid and citizen advice for advice and information. You need to be strong and well informed.

"This man terrorises and abuses his own children. They are already damaged by his behaviour. He doesn't even deserve to be referred to as a dad. He is despicable."

This with bells on.

Does your daughter know the importance of telling the truth to the police. Will she back you up?

Do the kids love their dad?

Or are they just scared of him?

" He's generally a dad but has an awful temper and he goes 0-100 in a split second with any of us. Regularly to the eldest dd too."

I'd be scared of him.

Does your daughter look like you, is he taking his anger at you (for whatever, who knows!!!) Out on your daughter? What about the other kids?

When you said previous physical abuse and mental torture, can you name it? Did it include rape? I am so sorry to ask that. I am sorry if this is too personal, feel free not to answer of course.

Did yot marry because you were pregnant? Did he want that?

You see it just sounds scary you married so young and had four kids that's kept you at home and out of work and made him the king of his own castle/empire.

Whose idea was it to have 4 kids. Again I am sorry if this is too personal, feel free not to answer of course.

It may all be innocent, you got pregnant and both wanted to marry and both wanted four kids.

I just think that a man that can physically abuse you and mentally torture you, go from 0-100, especially around his teenage daughter and hit you across the face in front of your daughter is someone who has no place being around children, anyone's children, not even his own. You've been so abused you cannot see how incredibly bad this really is.

So I would want women's aid and the police, and s counsellor to help you see really how abusive this man is, all those people on my side backing me up that my family is at risk from this vile man.

Please keep all abusive texts, emails etc. Write out word fir word exactly what he says to you and keep it password protected where he cannot find it.

I would definitely call the police! Make sure there is a domestic abuse file on him after what he’s done. Otherwise he will have free access to the kids and belt them whenever he feels like this.

He sounds dangerous.

Do you have family you can go to in the short term? Ideally, you don't want to leave the house BUT if you wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage alone anyway it's not as much of a stumbling block. You would likely get more than 50% equity if the kids are going to be mostly with you but that's much further down the line. You sort of need a short, medium and long term plan but there are so many variables in each case its hard to give specific advice other than, as others have said, do not minimise or tolerate his abuse, for your sake and the children and approach those agencies that are very experienced and knowledgeable in all aspects of these kinds of splits. Good luck.

He told you to leave with the children because he knows as teenagers they will not want to move house he will then get the house the kids (to abuse) and you paying child support

You need to make a police report get him removed

Thank you everyone, I will give them
A call and see what they advise. He's never hit me in front of the kids before, he hasn't hit me in years as he knows I won't take it anymore I've made it clear, but he also knows my weakness is my kids abs I don't want them exposed to all this which is why he does it. To answer some posters questions, I wasn't preference I married him, we were in love and knew each other for a few years before we got married, but after married he switched to a side of never known of him. He does love the dc I know that but in his rage it's almost as If he doesn't know what he's doing abs looosed control, I should mention this always happens after he's had few drinks. He regrets it and apologised to the dc later ( typical behaviour I know) dc do love him too but this time o know they've had enough especially my older dd. She would back me infront in the police, my middle 2 dd 12 and 6 are very emotional and don't want me to leave him, which is what stops me all the time,even the eldest doest want that but she understands and will support me.

I read somewhere that he can't make me move house until the younger at child is 18. Is this true ?

Women's Aid won't make you do anything, you will have control of your choices. They're the experts in leaving abusive situations, so speak to them and start working out your options.

Can he force me to sell?

@category12 ok I will call them and see what they advise. Thanks

He does not have the right to tell you to leave the house. In divorce , most often , it is encouraged that wife and children remain in the marital home. Even if he insists on making you sell , you make get more than 50% .
Please get in touch with Womans Aid , it will also show proof of his behaviour which can affect his contact arrangements.
Can you afford to buy him out ? If you need to apply for a loan / mortgage in your own right , benefits and child support will count as income.

Any man who hits his wife and asks his DCs to witness it , is a very dangerous person. Please seek hefflp to leave him before seriously hurts and emotionally damages your DCs further.

The children are afraid of change and they're hardwired to love their parents even abusive ones - but it doesn't stop it being an unhealthy and damaging environment for them.

You can't make decisions based on their worries, you're the adult, you need to make the life choices for them.

I think it's called a Mesher order that allows you to stay until the children are grown. You need to get legal advice. Rights of Women may be able to advise.

@Stillfunny thank you for that info I will give them a call.

@category12 yes your are absolutely right. I will also look into the meshed order, I think that will help me. Thanks

You need to move out of London for a start if you can't get a mesher order. A lot of people go to Hastings, I've lived there in the past. Its by the sea and there is lots to do and money goes far.