What is DP doing??

[FlowersOfAldershot]

Looking for a sanity check really! Me and DP live about 30 mins drive apart. Been together less than a year all was going well. Very intense and passionate, driving for brief meets in between respective family duties. Then strict lockdown after Xmas and all seems to have changed from DPs behaviour and where I am on list of priorities. DP job massively impacted by lockdown and is working long hours including every night and also at weekends. Have to be transparent about that change to be fair. Daily calls are long gone. Maybe once a week if I'm lucky. Sounds like DP is too busy and tired right, and that's it?However, when I think there is a window in an evening to have a nice long call, it gets cancelled as a friend has asked for a catch up with DP. Friends that weren't spoken about in the early months when we were unable NOT to speak to each other every night and see each other 3 times a week. Now I'm getting bumped for them. I'm feeling sidelined, and not understanding why. Feeling very insecure about it, but hiding that from DP. Am I being taken for a mug? Should i share my real feelings with DP?

Sorry, op, but it's over. He's taking the cowards way out and waiting for you to end it. No one is that busy.

Get extremely busy yourself and drop contact. Either he will just disappear altogether as he wanted to end things anyway, or he'll realise he has to make more effort. But you'll know where you stand then.

Yeah cowards way out. You're well rid of the weasel.

If he's not trying to end it, then he's at the very least taking you for granted.

But yes, sorry, I think he's trying to end it in a completely pathetic and weak way.

Don't let yourself be shunted down the list.

No matter how busy you are, you would find the time to message/call the one you are in a relationship with. He's not making the effort so should you.

Sorry but it sounds like he/she has checked out of the relationship and is waiting for you to get fed up of the constant let downs and end it for them.

OP, I'm sorry to say I've just been the victim of this.

Plans got cancelled last minute, he became more distant and I slipped lower and lower on his list of priorities. I wanted to think that life was just getting in the way, but he was actually being a coward and waiting for me to end it. Which I did.

I used to work 60-70 hr weeks and still always had time to call my partner. So I think it’s an excuse and he’s slowly fading you out instead of telling you straight up how he feels.

If he wanted to contact you he would. If you’re only talking once a week it’s not really a relationship is it?

Either tell him it’s obviously over or stop contacting him and see how long it takes him to notice.

Sorry, disappointing. But better to know what he’s like now.

This is not working op and you know that otherwise it wouldn’t bother you. We make time for the people and things that are important to us.

What @Butterymuffin said

He is doing the "slow fade". My partner and I live 2 hours away from each other, been seeing each other for 18 months, he is very very busy but always makes time to call me or text me every single day. I would just do a slow fade for yourself. See how he reacts. If he bounces back then have a conversation as to where this is going.

Was in a similar position a couple of years ago OP.. I clung on & on knowing his feelings had changed & wasn't as strong as mine, I hoped he was just stressed with a busy job but truth is he too was a coward . Wasn't even the 1st time he'd done this to me it was the 3rd time over 7 years. I called an end to it, broke my heart to do it, I hoped against all hope he wouldn't let me go but I've not heard from him since! Even during the times we weren't a couple we were friends but I obviously meant so little to him.

In hindsight if he felt the way I did he would have made more of an effort.

Maybe you need to distance yourself & see if he really wants you

Am so confused. It was brilliant before Xmas. We both were very much in love then suddenly change in covid situation hammered DPs work and nothing else had changed. I just can't imagine those strong feelings stopped overnight. Had a brief chat earlier. DPs line is they are so busy and stressed they literally have no time or headspace for anything other than surviving this period of time. DP has some complicated wider family issues that also demand focus, so I am taking that I have been effectively put on pause. I couldn't do that to someone, not even discussing it. I am now wondering if DP has some undiagnosed personality disorder where other peoples' feelings impact by their behaviour doesn't resonate. How can I not have noticed this before.
All your comments are fair and true based on what I've shared, so thank you for reaffirming that. I may live to regret it by I find myself, at the moment, thinking ok maybe DP has a weird (to me) way of dealing with this situation. Hunkered down i guess. And I'm learning about it. The chat earlier was a bit stilted, bit we are talking tomorrow evening. I guess I'll see how that goes, try to be supportive and positive and watch what happens. I know I'm putting myself through hell in the off-chance this gets back on track and you will all think I'm stupid. But when we had the love that we both said we had never felt before and we had found 'the one' I'm willing to try a bit more just in case it is still there. If DP was consciously checking out and knew it, I would get a message or voice clip over whattsapp at the very least to just end it. Who would need their soon to be ex chittering away in the background and adding to the stress, when if you knew, you could just end it even if in a cowardly way?

I think it’s over OP. He’s being a sick and not saying up front. You’re now an option. And number 10 on his list. Once those other friends come before you, it’s over.
Just don’t contact him. Try to get busy and also drop off the face of the earth to him. It’s not acceptable and he’s fading. No one....NO ONE is ever too busy to call anyone they care about.

Is he an ICU doctor?

That’s probably one of the only jobs that might explain it.

If it’s a WFH type thing then sorry but I’d just cut my losses.

I dont think he has a personality disorder, its just the state of play right now. We are all trying to survive in one form or another. You seem to have had an intense start with lots of love and affection and constant calls. His head is elsewhere right now and it isn't involving you. Please take a step back. Men deal with stress differently to women. Right now he may not have the time or energy to deal with any relationship. It is for you to just live your life to the full without staring at your phone and fretting that he has lost interest. He clearly has. Move on and see what happens.

How's things op x

@Itstimetoquit thanks for checking in and asking. The long chat I was expecting tonight didn't materialise, just a half hour catch up. DP has had to deal with the family stuff all day and was visibly shattered and needing to go to bed. But at least I got a call and it was fine. Not back to Hollywood times obviously but certainly felt like there was some effort being made on their part and was more of a pleasant tone despite DPs exhaustion. So at the moment I'm feeling like we are surviving, not arguing now, and I saw some green shoots. However many weeks this takes to pass, we will meet up just us and hopefully reconnect. Then with more opportunity to be together it will build again.
To answer a few queries or assumptions from previous posts, not an ICU role DP has, but I won't say as I'm paranoid this will be identifiable! Also, most of you are assuming this is a Female to Male thing, and it's not. You'll have noticed I've not used 3rd person pronouns. I dont believe in assumptions about a person's gender and how they are likely to behave as a result. Sorry if anyone feels that was underhand in any way. I just wanted the history and behaviour to be what was considered.
I stupidly ended the call tonight saying I Love You, as we always used to, and I was feeling happier about us. DP just said goodbye again 🤦‍♂️ What an idiot. I logically know we need to build back up to that again. 5% change DP didn't hear me say it as we were literally hanging up.....😬
Will catch up again properly this week on video call and I hope we keep building.

Thanks for engaging with my mind vomits!

@Aquamarine1029

Sorry, op, but it's over. He's taking the cowards way out and waiting for you to end it. No one is that busy.

This I’m afraid.

Sorry.

I would not hang your future on this half hour catch up call.

It still sounds like a fizzle situation - for whatever reason, situational, whatever.

I’m not an ITU doctor but my work has been extremely busy and intense since lockdown in November, I’m working long hours at home but it’s mentally exhausting. I’m also dealing with some family issues which deteriorated around the same time. I’ve totally neglected myself and the rest of my friends and family. I’m too tired to chat or think ahead making plans. Any time I have I just want to sleep or be alone and not interrupted

You’re post has made me think two things. One I’ve put my friends and family on the back boiler and I should maybe let them know what is happening with me right now and that I’m not ignoring them and Two I really need to get some perspective and work life balance back.

Sounds like he's checked out....

However I am one of those boring types ... that loathes being tied down to phone calls.. I just hate that it monopolises my limited free time... whereas texting etc can be done whilst doing other things .,, cooking etc ..

@xmasmob

Is he an ICU doctor?

That’s probably one of the only jobs that might explain it.

If it’s a WFH type thing then sorry but I’d just cut my losses.

DH was an ICU doc during our first year of dating. When he wasn’t at work, no matter how tired he was, he made time for me and us and left me feeling secure and loved. I’ve also had relationships while working eighty hour weeks and studying full time and always made time to see and get in touch with them.

Sorry OP, they’ve lost interest, and is too spineless to actually end it. I get it, it’s painful breaking someone’s heart. But it happens, it’s only been a year, nothing in the grand scheme of things. Even at the best of times it’s normal to lose interest in a relationship and it fizzle, and this hasn’t been the best of times.

Remember: if they wanted to, they would. If they wanted to speak to you they would. If they missed you they’d move heaven and earth to speak to or see you. If they valued you they’d be afraid of losing you through zero effort or enthusiasm or time together. Have a final ‘this isn’t working’ chat and you’ll feel much lighter and less stressed.

It does sound like they've checked out. However, it's a 30 minute call not a long phone call??

I think I'd prob put it off if I was shattered and work was crazy if I knew I'd be on the phone for hours. Maybe if you do want to keep trying with the relationship (although personally I think I'd cut my losses) then maybe suggest just a 30 min call most days. It's long enough to catch up but not so long that it feels like a chore