What is DP doing??

[FlowersOfAldershot]

Looking for a sanity check really! Me and DP live about 30 mins drive apart. Been together less than a year all was going well. Very intense and passionate, driving for brief meets in between respective family duties. Then strict lockdown after Xmas and all seems to have changed from DPs behaviour and where I am on list of priorities. DP job massively impacted by lockdown and is working long hours including every night and also at weekends. Have to be transparent about that change to be fair. Daily calls are long gone. Maybe once a week if I'm lucky. Sounds like DP is too busy and tired right, and that's it?However, when I think there is a window in an evening to have a nice long call, it gets cancelled as a friend has asked for a catch up with DP. Friends that weren't spoken about in the early months when we were unable NOT to speak to each other every night and see each other 3 times a week. Now I'm getting bumped for them. I'm feeling sidelined, and not understanding why. Feeling very insecure about it, but hiding that from DP. Am I being taken for a mug? Should i share my real feelings with DP?

Agree with everything said above. Just had a quick thought about your dp’s mental health. Are they ok? I know a few very significantly affected by distanced dps/remote bubbles/work overload etc. Coping with some things and badly crap at others.

Thought worth mention even though sounds unlikely. Support.

Cancelling your phone call to speak to someone else is rude, did you not pull them up on that? Why couldn't they do both phone calls? The not saying 'I love you' is a bad sign too, does imply they've checked out but can't find the courage to end it.

@OwlSation

It does sound like they've checked out. However, it's a 30 minute call not a long phone call??

I think I'd prob put it off if I was shattered and work was crazy if I knew I'd be on the phone for hours. Maybe if you do want to keep trying with the relationship (although personally I think I'd cut my losses) then maybe suggest just a 30 min call most days. It's long enough to catch up but not so long that it feels like a chore

I felt the neediness in that comment too: I understand why OP feels that way as she’s sensing her partner pulling back and desperately trying to hold on. But I’d be irritated too if I had a thirty minute call with someone and they weren’t happy we’d spoken but were seething it wasn’t long enough. Half an hour is a long call!

Either way it doesn’t matter, they’ve checked out so these are all just niggles.

Sorry OP no matter how busy someone is they'll find time if they want to. I think he's doing the slow fade out of the relationship. Have you asked him out straight? Surely that would be better to know instead of him stringing you along

@chocolate123 my DP isn't a he. Dont know if that makes a difference to your thoughts?

@HeronLanyon thanks for the considerate suggestion. I did actually broach the fact I was worried about DP being under so much pressure, stress and lack of sleep. I offered all manner of help, from shopping, cooking, helping with the family chores, even cleaning! But their way of dealing with it is, this is my responsibility, its on me I'll get through it. I can't ignore the family commitments (sorry to be vague but it really isn't optional for DP!), I must do my job as I need paid, and lots of people depend on it getting done, done well and done on time. Therefore the one thing I 'can' park is this relationship. Not how I could deal with it, or expect anyone else to, but think this may be a quirk of their personality. You learn more about people in the face of adversity than all the Hollywood flowery stuff. So that is what I am taking from it.

@FlowersOfAldershot no it doesn't make a difference at the end of they day if someone is important you make time for them.

I agree that it seems like a he’s not that interested any more.
But I also think 30 mins is a long phone call. Being on the phone is so tying - you can’t do anything else really. If someone kept talking about the need for a looooong phone call, and rejecting 30 mins as not being long enough, I’d feel completely smothered and reluctant to contact the person at all in case it opened that can of worms and my whole evening (such as it seems to be in her case) was gone.

I work in nursing. If I was expected to make 30 minute calls after each shift that would be incredibly off putting and the fact you don’t consider a 30 minute call ‘very long’ even more off putting!

I live with my DP so don’t have this problem of phoning etc but even when we didn’t live together I wouldn’t have wanted to commit to 30 minute calls each evening. Of course I’d still keep in regular contact but some evenings I’d just want time to myself. If I’m shattered the last thing I want to do is force a phone call. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting contact but it’s the level of contact you expect that concerns me

It sounds like it could be a mix of tiredness and the honeymoon stage wearing off. However part of me feels like they’re cooling off - sorry OP!

To clarify @Loveablers our norm was 2 to 3 hours every night for the first couple months, then a few times a week and we'd even watch programmes together over the phone as we couldn't be together due to lockdown. Yes I know its sickly! This stopped abruptly as I had said before and when you don't speak on the phone for a whole week, a half hour is nothing. I have to assume its going to pass and we'll reconnect when DPs work madness ends in the next month or 2.
Appreciate you thinking DP has cooled off but I'd have expected a sorry its over message long ago then, even if it was cowardly.

It usually is normal to begin with but it’s unrealistic to expect that to continue even if your partner is still happy in the relationship. At the beginning everything is new and fresh, you think the person you’ve found is the best thing to walk the earth so why wouldn’t you want to spend all your free time talking or being with them? As the dust settles you realise that’s not healthy or realistic. Even if DP expected me to sit and have my undivided attention for 3 hours in person I’d find that hard to deal with (I think most would!) so to expect 3 hour phone calls each night after the dust settles in the relationship isn’t a healthy expectation.

I hope they haven’t lost interest. I hope they’re just busy but honestly you may have to accept they’ve taken the cowards way out and they’re backing off. Not everyone is upfront and some people would rather be cool and let the other person approach the problem

Or, you may also have to accept you’re being needy. The fact you don’t consider half hour phone call very long is quite telling. Neediness will push people away.

I hope I’m wrong. I could be wrong! I’m not being nasty in any of my replies I just think that whilst it’s not hard to remain in contact with someone you love, expecting such long phone calls and such high level of contact is incredibly unhealthy.