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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do men lie about sexless marriages?

45 replies

Partygirl2021 · 05/02/2021 21:40

In order to have an affair? I have been offered to be a bit on the side since becoming single last year. I am not interested in any married men (or in relationships) but have been shocked at the few men who have basically told me they aren’t having sex with their SOs and since I’m recently out of a horrible marriage they assume I would only be looking for casual fun (not true). Are they lying about not having sex with their wives to make me fall into a trap?

OP posts:
Justtheonemorethen24 · 05/02/2021 21:44

If he were to say yes, I’m in a relationship and we still have sex would you be interested? My guess is no. They lie, so that you might be interested.

DisneyMillie · 05/02/2021 21:44

I’d imagine some are, some aren’t - either way still makes them crappy men if their solution to that is to cheat - at least it lets you know quickly who not to get involved with.

Likeariverthat · 05/02/2021 22:02

I remember reading a thread on here where the OP (who was involved with a married man) couldn't believe how her married boyfriend's wife had got pregnant, because he had told the OP that he was only staying in the marriage for the kids, he and his wife never had sex blah blah blah. I believe at one point the OP may have suggested that the WIFE must have been having an affair ShockHmmConfused

Partygirl2021 · 05/02/2021 22:03

Oh I know. I agree it seems like a tactic to “lure” you in. I just think it’s mad how some people fall for it. The sad thing is one of these men is an ex who I was crazy in love with, and deep down still am. Thankfully I would not go there no matter how tempted I was. I left a sexless marriage (and for many other reasons) you just have to wonder if they are truly desperate for sex (and fair enough, a sexless relationship is horrible) then why not leave and find someone else. Ugh!

OP posts:
Whatwouldscullydo · 05/02/2021 22:04

Yes they are lying.

Theres a million reasons why you should feel sorry for them and potentially have sympathy sex.

Then one day they slip up having forgotten they tell you they sleep in separate bedrooms or their mate reveals their wife is pregnant or something.

Partygirl2021 · 05/02/2021 22:04

@Likeariverthat 😧

OP posts:
Forrasee · 05/02/2021 22:06

Sometimes yes, but no not always.

There are hundreds of threads on here of women in sexless marriages, or mismatch sex drives. Why do we assume it's only true then?

FossilisedFanny · 05/02/2021 22:06

I would say yes, most of them do , along with ; they’re only staying for the children and will leave their wife when the kids finish exams / school.

Partygirl2021 · 05/02/2021 22:12

Surely if they were having sex with their wives they wouldn’t be seeking an affair though? I am so confused and hurt by these men thinking I would be up for being their bit on the side. Shocked that it was more than one as well

OP posts:
FossilisedFanny · 05/02/2021 22:14

Surely if they were having sex with their wives they wouldn’t be seeking an affair though

What makes you think that?

Changedforthisyear · 05/02/2021 22:15

Sometimes they’re telling the truth, but how would you ever know.

User7644590 · 05/02/2021 22:16

I think sexless marriages exist, and cheating spouses exist. Sometimes there is overlap in these two things.

What I genuinely don't understand is why men or women think it is a lure. Although obviously it is to some people? I don't get it though. If a man told me he is in a sexless relationship (and it has happened), it would make me question his ability to maintain a relationship, his sexual performance, his lack of integrity in sharing that detail and his lack of respect to me in telling me. It would make me go from disinterested to disgusted. I'm not interested in other women's partners or husband's. I want someone who is all about me.

Hailtomyteeth · 05/02/2021 22:17

Of course they would! They like to stick it wherever they can. And to be fair, lots of people must like it.

Partygirl2021 · 05/02/2021 22:17

@FossilisedFanny I don’t know tbh, I guess when I was having regular sex with my ex I never once looked at another man. When the sex stopped I did find myself enjoying attention from other men (which I never ever encouraged or acted on, I just realised I missed physical affection)

OP posts:
DuchessofHastings1 · 05/02/2021 22:20

@Partygirl2021

Surely if they were having sex with their wives they wouldn’t be seeking an affair though? I am so confused and hurt by these men thinking I would be up for being their bit on the side. Shocked that it was more than one as well
Men are snakes. They are exceptions of course, but generally slimy slimy snakes.

If they said were still having sex but its routine and crap, I would like some fresh pussy, would you have sex with him?
Of course not.

Saying they're not having sex means they're not the bad guy, they're stuck in a sexless marriage, poor lambs.

DuchessofHastings1 · 05/02/2021 22:21

[quote Partygirl2021]@FossilisedFanny I don’t know tbh, I guess when I was having regular sex with my ex I never once looked at another man. When the sex stopped I did find myself enjoying attention from other men (which I never ever encouraged or acted on, I just realised I missed physical affection)[/quote]
Men and women are different, very different.

Men like variety. They can be having regular sex with a partner but if it's not what it's like on porn, or they're not receiving oral enough, or just plain sick of having sex with the same person..and theres an opportunity to have sex with someone new and exciting, they will.

Closetbeanmuncher · 05/02/2021 22:22

Surely if they were having sex with their wives they wouldn’t be seeking an affair though

A large number of people are incapable of keeping their bits in their pants no matter how much they get OP.

It's mainly to do with inferiority complexes, passive aggression, thrill seeking or a combination of the above.

Tale as old as time....no doubt some twat will be along in a minute to tell you they're biologically programmed to spread their seed though 😬😂😂

sunnyzweibrucken · 05/02/2021 22:23

my best friend had a sexless marriage with her husband for years before they divorced. so if he told his OW that it was definitely true. so yes, sometimes it IS true and sometimes it's not. even the men i know who want out of their marriages still have occasional sex with their wives because it's "easy" access and they don't have to work for it elsewhere.

Divebar2021 · 05/02/2021 22:29

If my husband was hitting on you and saying he was in a sexless marriage he would be telling the truth. I’ve been on a different site with an ongoing thread about sexless marriages and there were a gazillion men and women on there talking about the different reasons their marriages were sexless. It’s hard to imagine why all those people would be wasting their time if it wasn’t the case ( as it was a discussion not a pick up site). There have been 2 threads on here over the last week where the OP has discovered their DH was having an affair where they’ve said their marriages were sexless. So you can’t generalise as much as people may feel like they’re the worlds authority on relationships and infidelity.

category12 · 05/02/2021 22:30

@Partygirl2021

Surely if they were having sex with their wives they wouldn’t be seeking an affair though? I am so confused and hurt by these men thinking I would be up for being their bit on the side. Shocked that it was more than one as well
Lol GrinGrin

Oh dear Grin

No.

Onthedunes · 05/02/2021 22:31

I definitely think a lot of men are telling the truth about being in a sexless marriage. There are plenty of men out there that have behaved so selfishly in their relationships that many women have no other option than to cut off all sex as they detest them.

Grin
PicsInRed · 05/02/2021 22:37

If the married man is so brazenly pursuing you like this, I'd presume this isn't his first time. Therefore, if their relationship is actually sexless, it's only sexless for her - and he's shagging about as much as he wants, whilst blaming her.

Partygirl2021 · 05/02/2021 22:46

The one particular one is an ex who has already slept with me, and I honestly don’t think he’s tried it on with other women. Perhaps there is a familiarity with me which makes him think I’m a safe choice, I don’t know. So confusing. As for the other two who propositioned me, I definitely don’t think I was their first shot at a bit on the side... brazen isn’t the word. But I do feel sorry for anyone in a sexless marriage, it is soul destroying and I can see why someone would seek out an affair - not that I remotely condone it may I point out

OP posts:
JustTurtlesAllTheWayDown · 05/02/2021 22:50

Yes, definitely. My XH told the other woman he was in a sexless marriage.
I've seen the messages where he went on about it, spinning a whole story about how we hadn't had sex in years and we were only together for our DC and blah blah blah.
We actually were trying for another child at the time and definitely having plenty of sex!
He just fancied her and wanted to get into her pants. I also came across other messages between him and a male friend where they talked tactics about which women they were trying it on with and what they thought would work.
It was so cliched, it was embarrassing. I'm well rid of that one.

HarrysWife · 06/02/2021 00:13

Not necessarily but I assume some are deceiving their wives in some way. Long story coming up, apologies...

When I was younger I was friends with a man I used to go to school with (so had known him a long time). It was well known in our circle that he and his ex DP were separated. The story he told was that they had casually been together and she said she couldn't have children so they did not use protection and she got pregnant. They werent together and he wasnt sure if she had lied to him. However she had no family in this country so he supported her and saw a lot of his son. Just friendship with his ex DP though. Some of his friends met her briefly in passing to say hello to but she never socialized with us or came to birthdays/weddings/events (as they weren't together). He used to live with his dad but had recently moved in with her, as a favour to her, as she had been struggling with the rent. She had begun working nights and he worked days, so it made sense to be in the same house for childcare and shared bills etc. But they had separate bedrooms and were not "together". I had been in his house and he did have his own room and they appeared to live very separate lives. Things progressed between us and he expressed an interest in a relationship with me but said he didn't want to tell his ex DP just yet as she would threaten to move home (a different UK country, 9 hours drive away) and only see his DC in the summer holidays. This did raise the red flag but I had mutual friends with her. So I asked them the score and they confirmed they definitely weren't together and hadn't even lived together until recently when she began working nights, so he moved in to help her. They confirmed that she regularly said she wanted to take the DC back "home" as she was homesick and missed her family. All sounded right with his story.

Began a relationship with him. Met his friends and extended family and even went to his cousins wedding with him. Nobody mentioned the ex DP and all were lovely. I knew some of them (to say hello to) from our days of being friends. He spent nights away from home at the drop of a hat, held my hand in public, introduced me to people as his girlfriend and picked the phone up whenever I rang. Steady stream of texts (when he wasnt in work). Near the end of our relationship we went on a few day trips with his DC. It was going really well. I even saw him Christmas night. Once his DC was in bed he came to mine.

She found out about us. Within a week they (him included) had packed up their belongings and moved away. Exactly as he predicted. He rang me once they moved and said he was trying to change her mind and he couldnt lose his DC etc. I backed off as I felt he should be with his DC and felt sorry for him. She forced him to delete all his social media.

However it turns out it was all a load of lies. His DP rang me and he later admitted it all. They planned for her to get pregnant as they were very much in love. She was only 19 and far away from home so had nobody. Once she was pregnant he told her he couldn't move in with her as he had to care for his cancer diagnosed dad and she accepted it. His mum had died years before and he had no siblings. He told her most of his money would be going on his dads care and bills so he wouldn't be able to give her money. He couldn't support 2 households. He also told her he earned around 10k less than he actually did. So he convinced her to apply for single parent benefits. Obviously they should tell people they weren't together (in case it gets looked into). He then began dating other people behind her back. He would visit her and his DC every day after work for dinner and then go back to his dads as he couldnt leave his dad overnight. He told his entire family and friends they weren't together and he was helping her and his DC. She agreed with the story so nobody reported her. During this time he was going to the pub regularly and seeing friends (I was part of this group). Burning through any money he had. Meals out, nights out, lads holidays etc. Entire time secretly sleeping with her and her thinking they were a family and he was supporting his dad because he was a lovely guy.

Few years later his dad died. He had nowhere to go as his dads house was sold (he didnt get much as his dad had debts). He loved the single life by then though. So he told her he wasnt sure what he wanted to do as he was depressed and caring for his dad had destroyed his mental health. He didnt want to lose his family but he just didnt know what to do. So he moved in with her, but in his own room. He just needed time. He proposed to her. But they didnt tell anyone, as he wanted to do it "big" once he felt better. He didn't want questions about it from his extended family so she shouldn't tell people they were "back" together. I am unsure if she was still claiming single parent benefits but I know all their finances were separate at this point and they 50/50'd all bills and claimed to be housemates. She could now get a job. The best paid job in her skill set was night work. So she took it. This meant he was free to do whatever he wanted while she worked. She would get home at 7am and take the DC to school and then sleep for the day before picking him up at 3.30pm and doing his dinner. She would put them to bed and then head out to her night job. So all he had to do was not leave the house while DC was asleep in bed. He also had friends (and girlfriends) over in the evenings to watch movies and have games nights etc.

I often wonder whether it was all pre-planned or just "fell" into place. After they moved they were married within 6 months and have since had another DC. They now live 5 minutes away from her parents. None of his friends here have heard from him but I hear occasional news when one of our friends bumps into his Aunties/family. They all just think he "got back together" with her. I guarantee he will return one day with a tale of how abused he was and how he had to do it to see his DC. This happened over 10 years ago and I do wait for karma to catch him, but it hasn't. I often wonder what his life's like now and if hes happy. Also is his wife happy and has she forgiven him.

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