I need help to leave a dangerous relationship

[ChaosEmerald]

NC, posting in desperation.

I'm beginning to feel like a shadow of myself. I've tried to leave a number of times but he's very persistent and I get pulled back in.

Some of the things he's done/is doing:

• monitors my WhatsApp online status, then quizzes me on it
• wants to know where I am, who I've been with
• accuses me of doing things I haven't done, and of talking to people I haven't talked to
• locked me in his flat and held me down so I couldn't get away
• stood outside the window of a friend's house and watched me, on one occasion I know of
• spied on me through bushes near my house, on two occasions that I know of
• stood outside my flat door when I thought he'd gone home, eavesdropping on a private conversation
• humiliated me in front of my friends
• contacted one (that I know of) of my ex partners
• regularly accuses me of cheating on him
• tried to access my phone

etc.

I'm on eggshells. I'm afraid to do anything without telling him because I feel like he's watching me, like he might be in the bushes, and I'll get interrogated about it afterwards. I dash in and out of WhatsApp to respond to messages, for fear he'll see me online and it will have repercussions later.

When I've tried to break up with him, some of the behaviour ramps up. For example, some of the stalking and contacting an ex was done when we weren't together.

I can't contact the police. They were involved after he locked me in his flat but they were useless, didn't investigate it properly, shelved it and ultimately made things worse. Years ago they also failed to investigate a rape properly. I have no faith in the police whatsoever.

I know what I have to do, but I don't know how to do it. I'm afraid of what will come after, how much things will escalate. I'm worried about how I'll cope in lockdown alone (no family, closest friends locked down in other parts of the country). It's a cliche but most of the time he's very caring and affectionate. I realise this is not a reason to stay, and there's nothing loving or caring about what he's done/is doing, but things are very difficult at the moment. I will go months/however long the pandemic goes on for without touching another human being. I don't know what that would do to me mentally (this isn't great mentally either, I know).

How can I prepare to leave this relationship and then make the leap? His behaviour really frightens me. He doesn't know I have an account here and I'm using private browsing, but I'm even bracing myself for him finding this thread.

You have already taken a big step by recognising his behaviour is controlling and coercive. You also realise that you need to take steps to get yourself to safety without him realising. You can access professional help to do this free of charge from an Independent Domestic Violence Advisor (IDVA). Try googling local IDVA. Your local council may be able signpost you. You may also have a local Women's Centre who can help you. The Women's Aid website is also useful.
Also, have you considered getting another phone he does not know about, so you can get help in an emergency?

Dear OP - your fear is palpable. You're right that the good stuff does not make up for the bad stuff. Abusers can be absolutely lovely when they're getting their own way. They can be lethally dangerous when they're not. Ultimately, he thinks that you're a thing and that you belong to him and that he can treat his possession however he wishes.

Here are some suggestions:

1. There is information at this link about making a safety plan and planning to leave: www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/#1447926965137-d1ebb2d0-ef20 It is aimed at women who are living with their abusers but some of it at least will be of relevance to you. In particular, don't engage in any discussion with him about the relationship and don't discuss ending it because he will manipulate you and try to talk you round. You may fall for that and you will then be in even more danger from him. So, when you're ready, you will just need to end it. Bear in mind that the period of ending a relationship with an abuser and the immediate aftermath is a period of increased danger for you. It is still generally safer to leave than to remain in the dangerous relationship - he is already harming you psychologically and will probably start harming you physically if you stay together which is why it is safer to leave - but you will need to be particularly vigilant through this period and for a while after.

1. With that in mind, do you have a family member or friend or colleague who can come and stay with you or with whom you can go and stay when you end it? This is a DV situation, even though you don't live together, and the COVID restrictions don't apply in DV situations. I think it would be very helpful for you to have that real life support to keep you safe and keep you strong. If there is an HR team where you work, it could be helpful to talk to them and explain what you're going through. They may be able to provide some useful support also - including arranging emergency time off to allow you to make any necessary arrangements etc.

1. It's very disappointing that you've had poor support from the police so far. Can you call a different police force and/or ask to speak to someone trained in DV? This is DV and stalking, which is what he's doing, can be a real danger sign. You've probably already done this. But it would be helpful to have the police aware of what is going on when you end the relationship.

1. The National Centre for Domestic Violence - www.ncdv.org.uk/ - can assist you with applying for a non-molestation order against him. I have assisted on a voluntary basis via my employer. Based on what you have said, I think you would be able to get a non-molestation order. It would require police involvement to enforce if he tried to breach it but the existence of the non-mol itself might be enough to bring him to his senses. You would get the initial order without notice to him so he wouldn't know about the application until you had made it.

I don't know if these suggestions are of any help. Probably the most important is to get some real life support to see you through the coming days.

Good luck, OP, and keep posting here for support.

PS - you might want to ask MNHQ to edit some of the detail from your post. If he found the thread, he would probably recognise himself from what you’ve described and that might be unhelpful to you. You don’t need that amount of detail - it can be a bit more generic. There’s no doubt he’s abusive.

Do you live together or he has his own place as that’s not fully clear

Thank you. I've just contacted one of the coordinators from the freedom programme which I did last year, who I'm hoping can help me to access some support. My local DV centre is inundated at the moment.

I don't have anyone I'd feel comfortable enough staying with. My closest friend is locked down in another part of the country and her mum is vulnerable, so it wouldn't be an option.

We don't live together or share finances.

@Dery when you say don't discuss ending it... how would that work? Would I effectively ghost him? Despite everything, I care about him/love him (as much as you can truly love someone who behaves this way anyway) and that's one of the ways I get pulled back in, hating the pain I'm causing him. So I agree discussing it with him is not going to help me, but it feels like it would be wrong not to at least say 'I'm ending this because I'm not happy.'

What usually happens is that I end it, I feel alright for a week or so and then the doubts start creeping in... 'Was I overreacting? He didn't mean it. He's just insecure. Is he okay? What if he gets COVID and dies, and this is how we leave it? I blow hot and cold, no wonder he's the way he is.' Together with his pleas to talk and turning up at my house, I crack.

Emerald

Please seek help from the organisations that Dery has listed. And use the police too now; coercive control is now a crime and there is more awareness of such issues these days.

re your comment:-

"Despite everything, I care about him/love him (as much as you can truly love someone who behaves this way anyway) and that's one of the ways I get pulled back in, hating the pain I'm causing him. So I agree discussing it with him is not going to help me, but it feels like it would be wrong not to at least say 'I'm ending this because I'm not happy."

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Have you confused love here with codependency?. You do not owe this individual anything at all. His actions come from a place of wanting absolute power and control; that is absolutely not love. He cares not a jot for your pain and anguish his abuse has caused you and you really do not owe him any such consideration.

"What usually happens is that I end it, I feel alright for a week or so and then the doubts start creeping in... 'Was I overreacting? He didn't mean it. He's just insecure. Is he okay? What if he gets COVID and dies, and this is how we leave it? I blow hot and cold, no wonder he's the way he is.' Together with his pleas to talk and turning up at my house, I crack"

Why do you start doubting your own self here ; where did all that come from?. You've been manipulated by him all this time. He knows what he is doing here and enjoys the extent of power and control he has over you. He will not let go of you easily and you will need support to get away. He will destroy you completely otherwise and you already feel like a shadow of yourself now. Abuse like described does take time to recover from, years even. Your boundaries (perhaps already weakened by poor relationship experiences) have been well and truly mashed by this man and you will need to rebuild those as well as your life urgently.

I’m glad you don’t live together and I hope you can keep him out your home and take the good advice offered

OP - sorry I was unclear: I mean you can tell him it’s over and you might want to say it’s because you can’t handle his behaviour, but if you give that as a reason, he will get defensive and likely want to discuss it and minimise it. He will likely try to change your mind. It depends how well able you feel to resist such pressure. But his mindset makes him very dangerous to you and he has already caused you great harm psychologically. The most important thing is for you to get away from him.

Op please seek help to leave the relationship do you have any friends or family who could support you

If you don't live together,tell him not to come round anymore,leave any of his property somewhere he can collect it,change the locks,I would inform the police about the situation and what your fears are about what may happen when you end it x

It's so good you don't live together. Does he have a key. I would also suggest getting someone to stay with you if he tries to get into your house.

Hitler was nice to his pets, but so what? He's making you a prisoner, psychologically and has tried to do to physically. I think you are clinging on to crumbs he's giving you. You don't know which way is up or down and you are doubting yourself which is unhealthy and maddening.

I think you need to realise that the love and care you feel for him isn't quite like a normal relationship to another adult. You love and care for him like a child. You partly feel responsible for him, probably feel guilt for abandoning him. When he turns up pleading, it has the same effect of a child reaching out their arms upwards towards you in desperation and it probably tugs your heart strings and makes you doubt your actions.

Except, he is not a child. He is an adult male capable of imprisoning you. He has already used his superior strength to hold you down. This display of dominance should have sent you into an absolute, undimished rage, but it hasn't. Your sense of danger, self worth and pride have become so blunted that you are seriously considering staying with him for the companionship.

And if you are reading this (her boyfriend), you better hope no one finds out in your community that you behave in this way because women will stay well clear of you and won't give you the time of day. Get a fucking grip of yourself. No pleading. No crying. Go see a therapist or a good psychiatrist (and no, not whilst you're in a relationship).

Good post, @Dery

Turn off your what's app status so he can't see if you are on or not. Have you got any dc?

Thanks 🙏, @EarthSight!

@EarthSight I’ve read and re-read your post a few times, trying to get it to sink in.

Maybe it is codependency. He had an abusive childhood, as did I (I know, tiny violions...) so I end up excusing his behaviour, feeling sorry for him and wanting to comfort him. I can’t really explain it, but despite all the stuff he does, I do love him and feel loved. But it doesn’t stop me from feeling very anxious about seeing him half the time. I know that sounds ridiculous. I guess he’s meeting a fundamental need but in a scary and extremely unhealthy way.

I don’t know how to disentangle myself from this. The last time I left him, I became very depressed bordering on suicidal. Not because I wasn’t with him exactly, but because I had to come to terms with the fact that I’m alone (parents are dead), without a support bubble and feeling like nobody would notice if I disappeared.

I’ve had a lot of therapy but the pandemic situation makes everything so much harder and really magnifies the isolation I feel.

I feel like I’ve made a mess of my life and I don’t know how to pull it back. But I do know I have to get out of this relationship sooner or later.

Yesterday I told someone about some of the things he’s done. Just hearing myself talk about it out loud was quite shocking - how bad I’ve let it become. Needless to say she was horrified.

Yes it will be shocking, but that's good though.

I really sympathise. It's hard without parents. You have had the misfortune of getting there earlier than most of us. I know it's not the same, but do you have a dog, pets?

I think you're taking too much responsibility here when you say "how bad I've let it become". What about him? Does he take any responsibility? They are his controlling actions, what does he do about them? Therapy?

Try not to look at the bigger picture of your life as you are viewing it from the lens of being in an abusive relationship. Just try to make step by step plans to improve things, building on the actions from yesterday. You have acknowledged how unfairly you are being treated and you have posted here. You have also reached out in RL. Today concentrate on building on that, that is all. Well done and be proud you are empowering yourself

@WinoLino "how bad I've let it become".

I'd be normally with you on that and am the first to jump in to stop women from unhealthy introspection, however with the OP, I think she is currently learning and realising valuable things about herself, things that might stop her from being in an abusive relationship in future. It's this deeper understanding which will stop her from willingly contacting him or taking him back when he turns up at the house.

I think she's started to realise that her natural, human needs, the need for affection and companionship have meant she didn't turn away from this man sooner. She knows this relationship is unhealthy, but the fear of being alone has become pathological, where she would rather live in a psychological, maybe even a physical prison than be alone without support. I wholeheartedly sympathise.

Part of the issue here is that her anger has just gone quiet. She has lost connection to her self-respect. By becoming truly angry that she was treated this way, she would lose sympathy for this man. She would stop extending the sort of unconditional love towards him one would normally extend to a child, and realise that there are limits that an adult can expect from another adult. This is not a mother son relationship, this should be an equal relationship.

Despite the police being rubbish in the past, you absolutely still need to contact them and let them know how he has behaved in the past when you have broken up. The ramping up of the stalking is really not good. Please do it.

@WinoLino he’s admitted watching me was ‘weird and wrong’ but doesn’t agree it was stalking. He was very remorseful of locking me in his flat (he spent time in a cell for it) and has apologised again and again and said it was the worst thing he’d ever done in his life, he was ashamed etc. He’s started to have therapy. He wanted to have couples’ counselling but I said no.

@EarthSight although I might not seem angry now, I was extremely angry at the time and hit him to get away. I didn’t speak to him for weeks. I do still get very angry about it - and the stalking - and occasionally verbally lash out at him about it.

He wasn’t really like this before lockdown. He works in an industry that has been ruined as it involves close contact. He became obsessed with one of my male friends, convinced there was something more to our friendship. I think he saw it as an emotional affair. We were close, but I don’t believe it was. The more he obsessed over it, the more awkward I became whenever the subject of him came up which only fuelled his suspicions. He has never let this go, even though I fell out with this man over something unrelated almost five months ago.

All of his abusive behaviour relates to this one man. Sometimes I read stuff here about women who believe their partner is having an affair. People always encourage them to snoop, to follow them, to monitor them. In fact, there’s a thread right now about someone checking her partner’s WhatsApp online status and comparing it to the possible OM’s WhatsApp status. That’s one of the things he does with me, and was the basis for his last accusations. It makes me anxious when I read things like that because it has been so distressing for me to be on the receiving end of this sort of behaviour.

I’m not excusing his behaviour btw. Just thinking out loud and I suppose trying to give some context. It’s really helpful to be able to talk about this.

Yes I can see your point @EarthSight

One step at a time, and keep posting here. Well done to saying no to couples counselling, he needs to do a lot of work but I'm not sure that's sensible while you are together.

If you've been on this board or online for long enough, you will hear stories of rapists calling their victims and crying down the phone with apologies and remorse. It's really good to have remorse, but it only goes so far in certain circumstances.

Even if you were to have a different approach at looking at this, he has serious trust issues to the point he is willing to lock you in somewhere. Once you cross that line, I think it becomes easier for them to cross it again, no matter how sorry they may seem at the time. I guess it depends on the person.

I understand what you mean about the snooping and to be wary of double standards. The way it differs is this -

• Although women can behave in abhorrent, unhealthy ways, you only need to look at prison statistics to see that a male exhibiting certain behaviour is more of an issue than it is with women
• Behaviours like his are commonly listed amongst abuser profiles
• He has used his physical strength against you. There should be no going back from that
• He's contacted your ex - what the actual fuck. Unless he's afraid he's going to be a victim of a crime (like a woman calling an ex of her boyfriend because she's scared of him and wants help), there's no excuse for this
• He's humiliated you in front of tour friends. This could be just petulant, storming off behaviour, but it's important to take note of that

I don't think he trusts you at all and I think it' very obcious from his behaviour. He may be like this with just you, or anyone, but whatever it is it's not healthy.

I don't believe he was like this before lockdown - you just didn't see it. Besides, your partner should be able to withstand stress without turning into total paranoia that controls another person.

He sounds terrifying and you are doing the right thing to leave him.

Re: you going back after a week or so, I imagine it's like quitting smoking (or heroin, but I've never done that!). You start off with healthy intentions when you know something is bad for you and you want to quit it and live a healthy life. The first few days are ok because you're motivated and pumped up, but then after a week the doubts creep in; maybe you could just see him once, It wasn't really that bad for you, if things deteriorate after that you can just quit him again... These are all unhelpful thoughts caused by the roller coaster of dopamine that your addiction takes you on.

He is bad for you, and once you've properly broken the hold this relationship has on you your life will blossom in ways you can't even imagine. I say 'the hold this relationship has on you' rather than 'the hold he has on you' because he himself actually has no hold on you. I'm sure you will admit that he's not the most magical, amazing, perfect man that has ever graced the planet, but the relationship, as messed up as it is, is filling an emotional need in you and that's the thing you need to escape from. Could you go back to therapy to try to get to the root of this? There is also a great book called 'Attached' by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller which breaks down different attachment styles.

For WhatsApp, turn your phone into airplane mode when you get or want to sent a message, type/read the message, press send, come out of WhatsApp, turn off airplane mode. The message will send in a millisecond and you'll never appear as online.