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Original poster

Can she see who he is chatting with on Whatsapp?

43 replies

Whatsapppussycat · 05/02/2021 06:57

Asking for a friend (honestly!). She has concerns about her husband chatting on WhatsApp to another woman who she knows and has suspicions about.

By using two devices, she can see he is online on WhatsApp for a few minutes, then the woman is immediately online for a few minutes, then he is immediately online for a few minutes etc. Approximately every 30 minutes during his working day. This has been happening for a few months and it is driving her crazy.

She looked at his phone and it seems that he hasn’t messaged the woman for about a month, but previously they had messaged every few days, so she thinks he has deleted her messages. She also couldn’t see who he might have been chatting to at the relevant times.

She wants to get her ducks in a row before confronting him and risking him deleting any possible evidence. Is there any legal way for her to work out if he is messaging the woman?

OP posts:
WhingingGiraffe · 05/02/2021 07:04

No you can't, and honestly that's ridiculous amateur sleuthing. Everyone is on what'sapp all the time, especially at the moment. It seems unlikely he would delete some messages from her on whatsapp, not sure that is even technically possible unless he did it one by one. So maybe... he's not chatting to her! She is starting to sound a bit paranoid.
What's the real story here?

inquietant · 05/02/2021 07:06

She is starting to sound a bit paranoid.

Surely everyone who snoops and is proved right starts out being a bit paranoid,didn't that why they snoop?

inquietant · 05/02/2021 07:07

Didn't = isn't

WhingingGiraffe · 05/02/2021 07:10

@inquietant

She is starting to sound a bit paranoid.

Surely everyone who snoops and is proved right starts out being a bit paranoid,didn't that why they snoop?

Yes, possibly - but she has snooped and has come to conclusion that some messages have been deleted. So there seems to be something else going on here.
MinesAPintOfTea · 05/02/2021 07:14

You can delete whole conversations on WhatsApp. I’ve done it to remove sensitive discussions after supporting friends through MH crises and relationship breakdowns.

WhingingGiraffe · 05/02/2021 07:16

@MinesAPintOfTea

You can delete whole conversations on WhatsApp. I’ve done it to remove sensitive discussions after supporting friends through MH crises and relationship breakdowns.
Yes, but he hasn't deleted the whole conversation, just the "last month" - this would require one by one selection and deletion. Possible of course... I don't know, I don't understand this modus operandi for trying to find out what's going on. She is spending all day every work day watching two people go online on whatsapp. Not healthy and not helping her find anything out. There has to be another way...
Original poster
Whatsapppussycat · 05/02/2021 07:20

I agree that it’s not healthy. I think she started by looking at it on her phone, but I’m not sure if she’s using an app to track who is online now.

OP posts:
MissDuBois · 05/02/2021 07:36

I have done exactly the same thing as your friend when I was suspicious. I found out he was messaging an ex (nothing terrible but I was very unsettled to learn she was a colleague). So I put her number in my phone.
Then I started walking down the road of crazy. Sat during the day staring at 2 devices- watching them come on and offline on WhatsApp in exactly the same manner you described.
Awful, awful period- made me ill. Of course, you can't really work anything out anyway.
If he'd deleted messages (which you can) it would still appear as 'message deleted' in the chat.
Tell your friend to stop doing it immediately- it can become a really unhealthy fixation.

Goslingsbird · 05/02/2021 07:39

Get her to put WhatsApp on another device with his number. She’ll need his phone

Original poster
Whatsapppussycat · 05/02/2021 07:41

I’m sorry you had to go through this too.

As a test, I’ve tried deleting Individual messages and it doesn’t show a deletion message in my version unless you select “delete for everyone”.

OP posts:
covetingthepreciousthings · 05/02/2021 07:41

Is there more to this? As in, does he have form for cheating?

I only ask because I would never think my DH's online activity during the day as odd, in fact I never even give it another thought.

covetingthepreciousthings · 05/02/2021 07:42

Sorry should have added - what was the messages she was concerned about before? Did she actually see the content of them?

Original poster
Whatsapppussycat · 05/02/2021 07:44

@Goslingsbird

Get her to put WhatsApp on another device with his number. She’ll need his phone
He has WhatsApp on his phone and Whatsapp web on his computer at work. Isn’t it limited to having access on two devices only?
OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 05/02/2021 07:45

She doesn’t need evidence to end a marriage, divorce law isn’t punitive.

If she no longer trusts him and wants to end it then she needs to stop playing this silly game and just go ahead.

Original poster
Whatsapppussycat · 05/02/2021 07:49

@covetingthepreciousthings

Sorry should have added - what was the messages she was concerned about before? Did she actually see the content of them?
She has found some of his other recent behaviour suspicious. The old messages still on the phone between them are chatty but not intimate.
OP posts:
Devilment · 05/02/2021 07:50

As annoying as it may seem she needs to be silently observing. This is the only way she can catch him. Snooping, can make a cheat go into stealth mode, switch messaging apps, put APs under different names etc.
If she really is convinced, she needs to do the dummy message test.
Get hold of his phone
Add a new number in, but save it as this woman, send him a message and see how he responds. How does he answer? Does he delete?

Original poster
Whatsapppussycat · 05/02/2021 07:56

@Bluntness100

She doesn’t need evidence to end a marriage, divorce law isn’t punitive.

If she no longer trusts him and wants to end it then she needs to stop playing this silly game and just go ahead.

The other woman is a good friend. She wants to know if she is being betrayed by her husband and by a friend.
OP posts:
SnoozyBoozy · 05/02/2021 07:56

I think WhatsApp shows a message saying if a message has been deleted.

If this is actually happening, I would imagine he might have saved her number another contact. Although my messages always show in order of the people I messaged last, so I don't know if there's a "John" or whatever that shows up as frequently messaged?

Original poster
Whatsapppussycat · 05/02/2021 08:02

@SnoozyBoozy

I think WhatsApp shows a message saying if a message has been deleted.

If this is actually happening, I would imagine he might have saved her number another contact. Although my messages always show in order of the people I messaged last, so I don't know if there's a "John" or whatever that shows up as frequently messaged?

A delete message doesn’t show on my phone if I just delete it for me and not everyone.

I’ll pass on your suggestion that he might have saved her number under another contact. Although I thought Whatsapp would just connect the phone number.

OP posts:
Hazelnutlatteplease · 05/02/2021 08:09

What's up active is really random. DD has flipped to online on my phone when I've had sight of both her and her phone and known she wasn't!!!

I hope shes stalking her partner on better justification that WhatsApp online status, because that behaviour is deeply unhealthy

Original poster
Whatsapppussycat · 05/02/2021 08:16

@Hazelnutlatteplease

What's up active is really random. DD has flipped to online on my phone when I've had sight of both her and her phone and known she wasn't!!!

I hope shes stalking her partner on better justification that WhatsApp online status, because that behaviour is deeply unhealthy

That’s interesting about the random online status. The pattern of him online then off/ her online immediately then off / him online immediately then off doesn’t look random.

She has checked that they aren’t both in the same WhatsApp group with other people that might be causing the pattern.

She has other reasons for suspecting both of them, but WhatsApp is the only thing she can think to look at at the moment. I agree that it is unhealthy and I’m try to break the habit but still help her.

OP posts:
MrsVogon · 05/02/2021 14:23

@MissDuBois

I have done exactly the same thing as your friend when I was suspicious. I found out he was messaging an ex (nothing terrible but I was very unsettled to learn she was a colleague). So I put her number in my phone. Then I started walking down the road of crazy. Sat during the day staring at 2 devices- watching them come on and offline on WhatsApp in exactly the same manner you described. Awful, awful period- made me ill. Of course, you can't really work anything out anyway. If he'd deleted messages (which you can) it would still appear as 'message deleted' in the chat. Tell your friend to stop doing it immediately- it can become a really unhealthy fixation.
This happened to me too. I could see them both online at the same time and he was deleting all the messages between them until one night he forgot and bingo, got the proof that I wasn't going mad etc.

It also made me very ill with the anxiety of it all. I had confronted him about the messaging, but he gaslighted me and said I was making it up, hence needing the proof.

I'd never do it again and should have left my ex sooner, but he really did a good job on me. I'm with someone else now and if I ever had a suspicion, I'd be getting rid at the first opportunity rather than trying to dig for more proof.

Original poster
Whatsapppussycat · 05/02/2021 14:29

Thank you MrsVogon. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I wish my friend could do something to put her mind at rest.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsapppussycat · 05/02/2021 14:43

Devilment She likes your idea of putting a new number in his phone with the woman’s name on and seeing if he messages

OP posts:
selflove · 05/02/2021 14:53

If she can access his phone, she could do settings > storage and data > network usage. It shows how many messages have been sent and received. Then reset statistics so it's all back to zero.

Then check his phone again in the evening, count how many messages his chats show he has sent and received that day, and check it matches up with the log. If the log shows 100 messages sent, but you can only see 30 showing in the chats, you know some have been deleted.

It won't give her evidence, but surely the fact he's definitely deleting messages might be enough for her to just leave

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