Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve been ghosted and it hurts

52 replies

Whyohwhydididothat · 04/02/2021 16:25

I’ve been speaking to this guy of tinder for the past 6 weeks and today I know that I’ve been ghosted. We had a disagreement this morning and he blocked me on WhatsApp. We texted of normal text messenger then and he promised to reply a few hours ago and hasn’t. It’s really upset me and I feel so down and it’s so bloody stupid.
I’m really upset about this

OP posts:
Original poster
Whyohwhydididothat · 04/02/2021 16:48

I have nice normal people to talk to who I’ve been talking to for weeks and waiting until lockdown is over to meet. They just don’t seem to catch my attention like the lovebombing idiots.
I’m so fed up of myself.

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 04/02/2021 16:49

There are a lot of nuts online op. This isnt the best time to date as ideally you should meet someone within a week of talking to them so that you can see what they are like face to face and right now that cant be done.

It also sounds like you need to practice spotting red flags a lot more before dating. And maybe take some time out to work on your own boundaries too.

Its always a wrench when someone we like turns out to be a wrong'un. But at least you spotted it now so can escape. And learn from it.

crumptrump · 04/02/2021 16:49

Can we help you find someone nice and normal? They certainly exist. Can you tell us about the pattern of chatting on tinder that got you in a position of being so upset over a man you’ve never met? What kind of things did he say that made it so intense?

CodenameVillanelle · 04/02/2021 16:50

@Whyohwhydididothat

The disagreement was really stupid. He lives a hour away and he has never had a girlfriend where they haven’t moved in immediately and he wasn’t happy when I proposed we see each other once a week if we get on at the beginning. It’s not like him to completely ignore me...
Red flags!!!! Block him back and move on.
Happycat1212 · 04/02/2021 16:51

Yep a woman would be advised to block a man if she didn’t get on with him or they had a disagreement and she hadn’t even met him! Yet on here it’s labelled “ghosting” this isn’t ghosting, you know why he blocked you, If you meet someone old and for what ever reason if doesn’t work it’s ok to block them and move on you don’t have to stay talking to every one you meet old especially people you’ve never met Hmm

shitinmyhandsandclap · 04/02/2021 16:51

I think maybe you should take some time on your own for a while

CodenameVillanelle · 04/02/2021 16:51

@Whyohwhydididothat

I’m really really really upset. I keep texting him asking for him to reply. I know it’s undignified. He hasn’t blocked my phone number because calls are going through.
STOP IT Do you have mental health difficulties usually OP? Are you quite anxious or emotionally intense?
BibbityBobbety · 04/02/2021 16:53

Yes, you can fix it. Until you do, you will not meet anyone nice and normal, OP. Because you won't be attracted to them, or them you. You do need to have good self esteem and feel happy in yourself, to meet decent men. Otherwise you're relying on others to feel good.

Can you look at counselling options? What about yourself do you hate - are you satisfied in your life? Job, family, social life, hobbies etc? Is there anything you've done that you feel proud of, or anything you could do? You have agency in your life to make it something that makes you happy and proud - so think of ways you can do that.

Stop dating for a while till you feel good about yourself again.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 04/02/2021 16:56

I would be inclined to remove all his details from your phone, so you cannot text him. There is nothing good to come out of this one, and I don't think you'll get the closure you need by continuing an argument by messenger/text, which is what sounds likely.

Original poster
Whyohwhydididothat · 04/02/2021 16:57

Hmm...

I’ve never been quite this honest before but I don’t care anymore because I’ve had enough. Enough of getting into this kind of situation.
I don’t see this as a stealth boast. It’s the fucking bane of my existence.
I have autism. Social interaction scares me shitless and I’ve always identified with the ‘weirdos’ because I don’t have to pretend to be normal there. Unfortunately I’m above average in attractiveness. ‘Popular user’ on tinder and get a lot of matches but I have the self esteem of a slug and latch onto the guys who just want to know me because someone who looks like me has never been interested in them before Confused.
I’m terrified normal people will realise I don’t match my image and bin me for my personality and that hurts more.

OP posts:
TenShortStories · 04/02/2021 16:59

You're upset because you're a kind and generous person who is desperately wanting a companion. This person is ridiculously unsuitable but doesn't take the sting out of the rejection.

I think the best thing you can do at this point is acknowledge your pain. Feel it, cry, be upset, but don't respond to him anymore even if he replies because you know it's going nowhere good. And then maybe find a way (counselling?) of working through the way you choose partners so that you can weed out the losers and make healthier choices in the future. Getting stuck in cycles of finding unsuitable partners is a common problem but totally fixable.

BibbityBobbety · 04/02/2021 17:04

Ah, well look at it this way - by dating a 'normal' guy, even if it doesn't work out, he won't destroy your self esteem and leave you feeling as bad as a toxic loser would. And there's a chance it could actually work out with a nice guy! Out there is someone who will like you and your personality - and that's who you should look for. Sure, there might be some rejection along the way, but you're facing it now anyway - so may as well take a chance.

Fear of rejection and not wanting to be vulnerable can be very crippling in relationships, as it stops you going for what you really want. There's probably some stuff you can read on how to overcome it, if you don't want to go down the counselling route. But once you can boss rejection, and shrug it off, you will be much more confident about going after what really makes you happy, rather than what is least likely to hurt.

Original poster
Whyohwhydididothat · 04/02/2021 17:07

Everything hurts right now. I can’t believe this has happened again

OP posts:
Original poster
Whyohwhydididothat · 04/02/2021 17:27

This isn’t about that guy. This is clearly about me. I don’t know how to fix me. I hate myself for my broken brain

OP posts:
MzHz · 04/02/2021 17:38

@Whyohwhydididothat

I’m really really really upset. I keep texting him asking for him to reply. I know it’s undignified. He hasn’t blocked my phone number because calls are going through.
Love, honestly you hardly know this guy and he’s showing you he’s a cunt! Loud and clear.

Stop chasing, stop begging, stop giving a shit about anyone who doesn’t give a shot about you.

Save what’s left of your dignity, eyes tits and teeth and move on.

You had a lucky escape. You’ll start to see this soon.

SmallPrawnEnergy · 04/02/2021 17:42

he has never had a girlfriend where they haven’t moved in immediately
What’s that slapping you in the face op? That’s a massive red flag!

You absolutely do not have a broken brain. If it was broken you’d be dead! You’ve said yourself you have autism and find social interactions difficult, don’t be hard on yourself. Use this as a learning experience.

CodenameVillanelle · 04/02/2021 17:45

@Whyohwhydididothat

This isn’t about that guy. This is clearly about me. I don’t know how to fix me. I hate myself for my broken brain
Have you ever sought therapy? The way you've described your attachment behaviour sounds on the spectrum of emotional intensity disorder. Could you request a mental health assessment from the GP or fund one privately?
VettiyaIruken · 04/02/2021 17:49

Six weeks is such a tiny amount of time. Hopefully you can put it behind you quickly.

He is a town sized ball of red flag bunting.

He's basically told you that he finds a woman and moves in very fast.
That tells me that he targets vulnerable women and gets his feet under the table before they get to know him. I would bet my last penny that he freeloads off them until they come to their senses.

He thought he could get you to be the next mug to feed and house him and is enraged that you have set a boundary.

butterpuffed · 04/02/2021 17:53

It doesn't sound like you need fixing, OP. It's very normal to suggest meeting once a week when you hardly know each other. He's the one who is taking things far too fast. Smile

litterbird · 04/02/2021 18:29

You are not broken OP you are different with amazing qualities. I am what is considered as neurotypical and I also have been known to get attached quickly. It was when I was vulnerable and latched on to any man on tinder who gave me attention. I, too at the time got these odd bods who ghosted me, love bombed me, led me on and threw me away. Eventually, after I got myself sorted and stronger my boundaries didn't allow any of the bad behaviour to get near me again. You may have autism but you can learn boundaries and practise them. Do you have support or therapy to help you with your challenges?

BuenoN0ches · 05/02/2021 01:35

There's a reason people block. I blocked an ex I had met off Tinder because it become apparent they were unhinged.

Happycat1212 · 05/02/2021 01:40

It’s fine to block people on old dating if it doesn’t work out, you don’t have to stay in contact with everyone you get chatting to and it doesn’t work out, I mean why would you? If I was speaking to someone for a few weeks then I realised we weren’t compatible (for whatever reason) I would tell them then block them because I wouldn’t wish to stay in contact, especially if they weren’t taking no for an answer and crying and begging........

21growbags · 05/02/2021 01:53

Just because you have Autism doesn’t mean you are wrong about social interaction especially if you are beautiful when you are very right to be wary!

It is possible that you can find someone really nice who loves you as you are.

I wonder if this book Asperger Syndrome A Love Story would be at all encouraging?

Original poster
Whyohwhydididothat · 05/02/2021 08:48

Ok... I feel a lot better today.

As it happens he did unblock me to tell me that he really really likes me but something about what I’m telling him seems off and basically he thinks I’m talking to and arranging dates with other guys Hmm. I can’t cope with that.. instant turn off.

Anyway I need to work on myself clearly and Happycat you might not be wrong in what your saying but your bedside manner needs work!

OP posts:
Mupp64 · 05/02/2021 09:29

The very nature of you saying " you feel better today " after you discovered he's unblocked you and has said he likes you - suggests you are more co dependent than you think - you've never met this person yet you are relying on his reactions to you to make you feel better- I suggest that you seriously concentrate on why your need to gain affirmation from strangers comes from - because that's what he is - a stranger who is manipulating you - if you were under 18 years - it would be called grooming