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Original poster

Affair advice

26 replies

Namechanged155 · 04/02/2021 12:52

Hi,

Long story but my BF has had an affair which lasted several years and is now all over. They were (and still are) both married but both marriages have issues. She is devastated and is both mentally and physically ill because of it and is on sleeping tablets to try and get some sleep.

I know all about the issues with morality etc (as does she) and know this shouldn't have happened but I love her and am finding it difficult to support her through this. She loved him very much and can't see how she's going to cope without him. I'm very worried about her.

Any ideas to help me help her with this?

Thanks.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 04/02/2021 12:54

I think the best way to help her as to focus on why she's so unhappy in her marriage and if it is un-fixable maybe she could find happiness by leaving and starting a new chapter in her life?

EpochTime · 04/02/2021 12:55

Perhaps the key to helping her is to be found in the reason why the affair has ended.

Cpl654321 · 04/02/2021 13:14

Support her where you can but also be blunt and say it sounds like she could benefit from some individual therapy.

There must have been stuff going on that led to the affair and then it's breakdown, and you can't be expected to handle all her emotions around that. She needs a professional to help with that

SecondStageIgnition · 04/02/2021 13:34

You say both marriages have issues but how do you know what's going on in the man's marriage? Do you think your friend might have been taken for a mug?

Original poster
Namechanged155 · 04/02/2021 13:41

She's been married a long time, there have been some issues with abuse although that seems to be better now. She's the main breadwinner plus has 4 children and I think she feels stuck.

The affair ended as he couldn't take the stress and guilt any longer.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanged155 · 04/02/2021 13:42

She may well have been taken for a mug. She's only got his word that he had problems. None of us have ever met his wife.

OP posts:
SecondStageIgnition · 04/02/2021 13:46

@Namechanged155

She may well have been taken for a mug. She's only got his word that he had problems. None of us have ever met his wife.
'us'?
Original poster
Namechanged155 · 04/02/2021 13:48

By "us", I mean her friends.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 04/02/2021 13:49

@Namechanged155

She's been married a long time, there have been some issues with abuse although that seems to be better now. She's the main breadwinner plus has 4 children and I think she feels stuck.

The affair ended as he couldn't take the stress and guilt any longer.

Sounds like the best support you could give her then is making her realise that her marriage and feeling stuck is probably the main cause of her unhappiness. Sounds like she needs to try and get out of that
SecondStageIgnition · 04/02/2021 13:52

Jesus. Imagine being that wife. Several women knowing that her husband has been shagging someone else for years.

Original poster
Namechanged155 · 04/02/2021 13:53

It may seem strange but her marriage issues don't bother her like the end of this relationship has. I've never seen her like this and I've known her 35 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanged155 · 04/02/2021 13:55

Yes I know SecondStageIgnition. Nothing about this is good.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 04/02/2021 13:55

I think the best way to support her is to express your disapproval - just the once, because you don't condone it; and she needs to know that, just as she needs to know that you still value her and she can count on you.

I strongly recommend that you do not indulge her with opportunities to lament on the ending of the affair, or talk about it in any way. If she starts, deflect and say something along the lines of 'his wellbeing is not your issue' or 'that's all in the past now' and turn the conversation with what is happening now with her family or friends.

You are not her therapist - let her find one herself if she thinks she needs it - and it is not your role to fix anything.

But you can do her the power of good by denying her the opportunity to yak on about it. Every time she fills her mind with the self-created drama of the end of the affair, she is letting herself stick in the past and in the pattern of betrayal. Don't let her do that on the time she is with you.

Obviously, if she starts - separately and without reference to the affair - talking about the state of her marriage, support her as you wouid anyone else. But do be aware that for as long as she is tying herself up in knots mooning over her departed affair partner, she's really unlikely to be putting fair effort into her marriage, so aim off a bit for unfair bias in that too

Original poster
Namechanged155 · 04/02/2021 14:01

Great advice AuntieStella, thanks.

I hate seeing her like this, I know she did something she shouldn't have but she was and still is totally in love with him and it's knocked her for six.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanged155 · 04/02/2021 14:26

Should they remain friends? They've agreed they will but I'm not sure how that'll work in real life.

OP posts:
soonm · 04/02/2021 14:31

Really good advice about not giving her the space to talk about him. Just keep your eye on her. If her mental health has been affected her behaviour might become odd. She might go into herself/start obsessing over the affair/engage in self-destructive behaviour/neglect her responsibilities, etc.

soonm · 04/02/2021 14:33

They can only remain friends if he introduces her to his wife otherwise she's still his bit on the side (minus the sex).

That would be interesting, though, meeting the wife.

Original poster
Namechanged155 · 04/02/2021 14:38

She's VERY quiet and is normally really boisterous. She is definitely obsessing over things as that's what's stopping her from sleeping. She told me that she is talking to herself all the time - is that normal?

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanged155 · 04/02/2021 14:42

I never thought about it that way soonm. I doubt he'll want them in the same room together!

OP posts:
EpochTime · 04/02/2021 14:43

@Namechanged155

She's VERY quiet and is normally really boisterous. She is definitely obsessing over things as that's what's stopping her from sleeping. She told me that she is talking to herself all the time - is that normal?
That doesn't sound good, OP. If she doesn't normally talk to herself all the time then this is a product of mental distress at best - possible psychosis worst case scenario? Can be triggered by trauma. If it was a sudden ending to the affair as well.
Original poster
Namechanged155 · 04/02/2021 14:54

I agree EpochTime, it doesn't sound right at all. It was very sudden ending, he called her and ended it out of the blue. She's had a bereavement too, a much loved family member who was her rock passed away last year.

OP posts:
Baws · 06/02/2021 18:14

How does the OP know that he has marriage problems? Apart from the fact he’s been having an affair for years you mean? Hmm
That isn’t relevant to the OPs question anyway.

OP - You sound like a lovely supportive friend. Be there for her and suggest counselling. This may give her the incentive she needs to leave her marriage.

SecondStageIgnition · 06/02/2021 19:57

@Baws

How does the OP know that he has marriage problems? Apart from the fact he’s been having an affair for years you mean? Hmm That isn’t relevant to the OPs question anyway.

OP - You sound like a lovely supportive friend. Be there for her and suggest counselling. This may give her the incentive she needs to leave her marriage.

The OP said the man has issues in his marriage. How does the OP know there are issues in his marriage? For all she knows the man could simply be a greedy sod who likes to have sex with multiple partners. His wife could be none the wiser. In other words, there may be no 'issues' in his marriage. The 'issues' may be his alone. The OP admits that her friend knows only what she's been told by this man.
Baws · 06/02/2021 21:22

@SecondStageIgnition

Oh come on now! Firstly that in itself is a huge relationship issue if the wife really was none the wiser! I’m yet to meet a blissfully happy couple where one spouse was having an affair but the other was unaware! Affairs are signs of deeper issues.

Whatsapppussycat · 06/02/2021 21:32

@Namechanged155

Should they remain friends? They've agreed they will but I'm not sure how that'll work in real life.
Friends? Are they taking the piss? How bloody insulting to both their partners.

I couldn’t be friends with someone who was trying to keep a foot in the door of someone else’s marriage like that and was essentially sticking two fingers up at someone’s wife.

Your friend needs to go no contact with him and work on herself and sorting out her own marriage.