I think wedding planning is ruining putting a dent in our relationship

[Fressia123]

I really don't know what to do anymore. The main issue is that we don't have a lot of friends to invite. My partner feels uncomfortable with inviting "fillers" I'm up for it as that's the only way I can see having a proper party with dancing and the like.

He's happy to just have our families But I don't want that. I'd be happy with just our mums and children but not our siblings, it would.still.not be a massive thing, but nobody knows each other and it's not simply what I want.

We're getting legally married in April this year, this is a blessing/religious ceremony that is supposed to happen sometime in 2022. I've already got the dress and we've got the rabbi, but I feel like cancelling as we can't genuinely agree and we're both uncomfortable with what the other one is comfortable with.

We're wedding planning and I've had similar thoughts as you. If we have to have 15 then I'd rather move the date as that would only be family and I want friends there (we haven't invited fillers though) whereas my partner was happy for it to go ahead with only 15.

We talked and I explained how excruciating it will be with only our families who are very different and also how expensive it will be to have a small wedding then a second party later with friends. He is now happy to move the date if we need to (also helped by some crappy behaviour from his parents).

I think you just need to sit down and either explain how you feel about a small wedding or put it in cash terms which seemed to help my partner more when I put it like that.

I wouldn’t invite anyone as filler that you wouldn’t invite over for dinner or to a birthday party. It’s a party, not a wedding, so think of it like that.

If you can’t agree then just have the actual wedding and scrap the blessing/party. Loads of people who got married last or this year will have had a different day to the one they might have imagined. That’s okay. You’re still married at the end of it and that’s the important thing.

We got married several years ago with just family and it was lovely.

Well that's how si think of it @AnneLovesGilbert it's a party... Then there's obviously some cultural differences as I'm not British and I see normal.to invite my boss even if not particularly close, he finds it weird.

I think in my mind it would be easier to scrap it. Yes, the journey with rabbi seems very worthwhile (he agrees) and si have a dress but those aren't good enough reasons to force the other one into something they don't want.

It’s about the marriage, not the wedding. If you want to be married, don’t cancel, find a compromise. But if finding a compromise around a happy event is so stressful, perhaps think about how you will handle life’s difficulties.

Btw I got married with only witnesses, no family. There are all the options.

Yes the options is of not doing at all, which I think we'd both be ok with although we might think it's a bit of a shame for different reasons.

After all, we'll be married by then anyways

Your boss! I wouldn't and didn't invite my boss to my wedding and we got married abroad then had a big party when we got back. If you are socially friends with your boss of course invite them, but if you're not it is weird. I'm not sure how a party full of randoms, who also don't know each other, will be less awkward than a smaller party of friends and family. This doesn't seem to be a big wedding small wedding debate, it's about inviting people you're not actually friends with, which is a bit odd.

The "ransoms" are my colleagues... So it would be anything between 15 and 20 which I think could make a good party.

*randoms People seem to think I never interact with these people but I do. I don't know them on a personal level, but I don't think that's a real impediment.

Have you been to their weddings or birthdays/house warmings etc?

I consider my friends to be people I know on a personal level tbh. If your husband to be feels the same way I think you need to respect that.

Nope never. But he's best buddie at work )and they're true friends) they've never socialised outside of work. He never socialises outside of work anyways... The difference is that they chat all day in person, whereas I don't at my workplace

I think both of you need to realise that if you can’t agree/find a compromise on something like this at the start of your life together - then you marriage will continue this way.
You come from different backgrounds - so there will be a lot of issues, and with kids even more - that you’ll see differently.
Currently - instead of a compromise - you two seem to want to just cancel the celebrations. So no one compromises, and no one gets what they would like.
That approach in a relationship won’t work for long.

As to the actual guest list - I think if you want your colleagues there, they aren’t ‘fillers’. He doesn’t get to tell you it’s wrong.
But equally - if he wants siblings&cousins - you don’t get to say - but they don’t know each other, it’s uncomfortable.

How about you decide on what you can afford - and have some family and a number that each can invite as ‘your’ guests, without needing an approval by the other?

And you need to let go of some preconceived idea of how the wedding ‘should look like to be a proper big one’....
Theses are the times when people haven’t seen each other for over a year. Any celebration, of any size will be special and fun. And any number of people can get dancing.

Don’t lose the sight of the rest of your life while planning a party. It will be a special day regardless.
Mazel tov

Don't invite your colleagues.

I'd hate if half of DHs office was at mine. It'd feel like a work party and I wouldn't be at all comfortable with a dozen complete strangers at MY wedding.

Can't imagine anything more uncomfortable, tbh.

Your DH has the right to not want strangers there!

Are you the OP with the Friday/Saturday/Sunday dilemma too?

Honestly, my DP and I fell out yesterday just talking about carbohydrates. I dread to think how we would plan a wedding.

Maybe we'd put options on pieces of paper and draw them out of a hat.

Yes @JaimeLeeCurtains I'm that one!

@ElspethFlashman I can totally see why that'd feel like a work do. Good point ( although he doesn't really seem to mind).

Apart from the lack of friends, I've left all of my friends and family across the pond, so his solution of having something with just his family doesn't seem "fair". The compromise (to me) was to invite some of my colleagues to have a good "party" feeling, so ok maybe I didn't have my nearest and dearest but at least I had a party to remember.

So you want to invite work colleagues but not siblings?

Would it, though? Or will your colleagues sit and drink and chat about work all together? Will they mingle and chat with your family? Often, the best parties are where you have lots of disparate people who chat and mix together; that’s unlikely to happen if you have two definite “groups” - family and colleagues. As a pp said, is it more likely to end up as a work do, but at your expense? And - even worse for your DH - a work do where he’s the plus one?

It sounds like you care more about the wedding than the marriage. Life is not social media. Why would you want 'fillers' at your wedding which is supposed to be the most intimate and special day of your life.

The "no siblings" is in an "elopment" scenario.

We'd have 4 very separate groups: my family (Spanish speakers), his family, the congregation, his work friends (five plus their SOs) and my colleagues, of those I think I'd at least invite 10.

In that way, I think the party/reception will always feel disjointed.

It's not wedding Vs marriage. I'm sure nothing will change on that day, I've always seen it as a nice get together to share the joy of us being together.

Our mortgage, bills, and general family life won't change. Between our legal wedding and the ceremony there will be 18 months.

We always said we wanted a party. We didn't think the ceremony would happen until very recently. But originally the party was going to be a very informal piss up at the pub...

The ceremony obviously bring in a more traditional "wedding" feel to it and it can't be a piss up at the pub!

Unless a wedding is in a small village where every one knows each other - it’s normal to have several disjointed groups, and there are always generational groups anyway. And in London with many families being multi-cultural/multi-country it’s totally normal.
At my wedding we had overseas family who couldn’t all talk to each other; our colleagues we wanted to include - from different continents; our friends; some of my grad school friends from all over the world.
It was people I or my H wanted there.
I didn’t not tell him who he can/can’t invite. And he didn’t tell me.

It was a party. And people ended up mixing as much as they wanted. And no one talked about work.
And after a bit (lots) of alcohol - dancing happened. Even my mom and aunt joined in - and they weren’t young...

I think British people are a bit distant with many people in their lives and don’t always understand other cultures, that form relationships/friendships in a different ways.
If he has work friends he wants to invite - so can you get your colleagues to come.
Not sure why there is an issue.

The wedding is in the west country, so maybe it's a small town/village mindset in comparison to mine who come from one of the biggest cities. As far as I understand his concerns, my colleagues are just my colleagues and not my friends (true) and his co-workers are his friends (true). He thinks my colleagues will find it odd that they were invited and he also feels like it would be awkward. I don't think he feels comfortable about it. I know I have no "real" friends I'm over it, I just want a lively wedding.

You should be allowed to invite who you please, it’s your big day, and it’s not unreasonable to have a big party. Inviting some of your colleagues might even be the beginning of some beautiful life long friendships. It’s a great honour to be invited to a wedding.

Your colleagues would find it weird to be invited and they might feel obligated to spend ££ and come to an awkward wedding when they don't really want to.
It's a shame you don't have good friends here yet but it's not socially acceptable to invite random colleagues to your wedding to beef up numbers.
Just have a nice small wedding party with family and friends and forget about dancing and photos. A lovely meal and drinks with speeches will be a fun party.

But I wouldn't have anyone on my side apart from my congregation. It definitely would make me feel embarrassed that theyd realise that I have no social life apart from seeing them every other week (when were allowed of course!)