My partner doesn’t take care of himself

[Badtimes21]

I’ve name changed so I don’t out myself but I’ll try to keep it vague anyway.

My other half is getting fat to the point where his belly fat is making things difficult. Not just his belly but lower down.

I know there’s few options right now, but all he does is sit still. Comfort eat. Look at a screen. His hygiene levels make me squick at times so I rarely initiate intimacy because I don’t know what I’ll get.

In full disclosure, I have a couple of stone more on me than I should, too.

He’s hideously unhappy in his job and working himself into the ground. Doesn’t want to go to bed because he’ll have to wake up in the morning again. We have a frugal one income life because of our children’s needs. I’m trying to find ways to change this so he can stop working in this job but it’s not quick to do after 15 years and SN child.

I just...am I wrong for wanting things to be different? I love him and want to have our lives together, but not like this. I don’t know how to speak to him as his body image is awful and his grey rock skills supreme (he reverts to highly emotionally unavailable due to childhood. At times I’ve dragged him kicking and screaming out of it, but not right now)

I don’t know what to do because all this is making me very unhappy too. I can’t begin to imagine his level of unhappiness either so I feel stuck between our emotions.

How can I change things?

I had this situation with my partner during lockdown. He had always been low maintenance but it became ridiculous and he was in a very unhealthy way.

It is much better now because we started a diet together - I have lost weight with him - and with regard to the other issues we had, I was really honest and said I (or anyone else) deserved a certain standard of hygiene and so he has made efforts to get to the dentist now.

It’s slow steps still, but I think because I am looking better and asking the same of him, and we spoke about it openly and how it was making me feel he didn’t care, he took it on board and stepped up.

I would approach things very carefully though, it’s a very delicate topic to start off. Good luck

@SisterAgatha

I had this situation with my partner during lockdown. He had always been low maintenance but it became ridiculous and he was in a very unhealthy way.

It is much better now because we started a diet together - I have lost weight with him - and with regard to the other issues we had, I was really honest and said I (or anyone else) deserved a certain standard of hygiene and so he has made efforts to get to the dentist now.

It’s slow steps still, but I think because I am looking better and asking the same of him, and we spoke about it openly and how it was making me feel he didn’t care, he took it on board and stepped up.

I would approach things very carefully though, it’s a very delicate topic to start off. Good luck

Thank you for your reply, funnily enough his dental hygiene is superior to mine, it’s more below the waist. It’s like he has blocked out thinking about it at all.

I wish it was easy, I’ve even brought up in a roundabout way the negative impact of continuing as things are, but I don’t want to be his mother

Sorry OP think you’ve name changed failed there. I hate this line being trotted out but is he depressed?

First of all, if he can't be bothered to keep his hygiene levels up, don't have sex with him. It's disgusting for you, and although he may still want it, it might even make him respect you less for it. It doesn't take long to have a shower and a lot of people enjoy the relaxation of it.

How many hours does he work? As a family, do you think you could all manage to have a brisk 30min walk per day? Then you would increase it to an hour, but depending on the kids and where you live that might not be practical.

If he's grey rocking you, this is not your issue to fix. He has an unhealthy view of how a relationship is meant to work, and he's comfortable dismissing your feelings. This means that whatever you say, he'll only choose to respond to some things, and fully disrespect others, because he prefers doing things his way to respecting your wants and needs.

All you can do is state how you feel, and what your boundaries are.

Do you know what your boundaries are? Work them out, write them down, and tell him. ie 'I won't have sex with you unless you've had a shower that day.' 'I need us to have open conversations about how we feel, otherwise I will start to become emotionally distant from you' These sorts of things are statements about you, not him. Start everything with 'I', so you're not saying to him 'You need to shower more', 'You need to communicate more clearly' etc.

Tell him where you stand, what your boundaries are, and what the consequences will be if he doesn't respect them. Leave it up to him. You'll find out within a few weeks if he really gives a shit about you. Then you'll have a clearer picture of how to move forward.

Please forgive me for replying all over the place, I'm using the app and having a bit of a time of it

I am pretty sure he's depressed, what with not wanting to sleep or wake up. However he's the type that doesn't want to back down on anything so would rather give himself a complete mental breakdown than seek help in that regard. Lots of shame going on.

I have tried operating a no access rule but I have needs too, sometimes. (I did this, for better or worse, for a while because he refused a vasectomy but was worn down by my own needs, judge if you like, anyone who thinks that's not on but you've not had my experiences)

I am all about nonviolent communication but how to balance that with persistence is my challenge. Thank you for taking to me, getting it out is helping me get my thoughts in order as much as that's possible.

It's not about a 'no access' rule, though. This isn't about you making rules and him behaving himself and following them.

This is about you getting your needs met on terms acceptable to you both. Of course you have your needs sometimes. Does that mean you'd rather do it with him when he's revoltingly unclean than satisfy yourself alone for a while? If you really can't get by without having sex with a man who is dirty beneath your standards, that's something about you need to look at about yourself, regardless of him.

At the moment, he's essentially getting his own way, using the tools of 'trampling all over your boundaries' and 'refusing to acknowledge your feelings' and 'refusing to acknowledge his relationship responsibilities'. He's not just neglecting himself, he's neglecting you, and willfully.

He will continue to do so until it stops being the path of least resistance. Resistance is what made you post here; you need to make it plain to him that things will change because you've decided to respect your needs, whether he does or not.

eckhart that's blunt but probably necessary. I do caretake his feelings a whole lot because he's not a bad person and is driven by his caring responsibilities for the whole family but it's also, I know, a convenient excuse to neglect other parts of life and family.

I personally think he needs therapy for anxiety (from way before covid) and, whilst I'm not on eggshells, I do feel like some things are off the table for discussion at the moment.

To whoever asked about working hours, it's 8 the til gone 6 then all evening it's screen time, either working, hobby or Facebook. That's from the moment he drops his bag until gone midnight, with a break to either do the evening clean or bedtime duties and eat.

Oh, and walking anywhere won't happen either. I can sometimes get everyone out on a weekend but fair weather people live in my house apart from me and one of them. I feel really powerless and trying to take some power for myself is slow going and very challenging for me. I know I'm like a frog being boiled alive but don't see acceptable alternatives right now, short term at least.

I think I'd want to sit him down, and say this can't go on. His misery is making you miserable too, and your relationship won't survive unless something changes.

Say you will help but a lot of this has to come from him. It sounds no way to live for either of you.

Sorry for further bluntness, but, if you don't want to be his mother, you're going to have to stop being his mother. He needs to recognise your needs in reciprocation, otherwise the relationship will remain unbalanced, with the responsibility of the emotions of managing the relationship falling to you, whilst he scrolls through Facebook.

What is stopping all the alternatives from looking acceptable to you? If any of the answer to that is that you're trying to avoid hurting/upsetting him, bear in mind that he is doing precisely nothing to avoid upsetting you, to the point that you're having to ask strangers on a forum what to do, because he is so unforthcoming in supporting you emotionally.

I feel like he thinks that all the other kinds of support make up for that.

Like, it's enough to do some household jobs, support us financially, have the kids so I can go out, (he doesn't have a social life outside of work and an occasional game with friends) it's like he's subsumed this role of passive provider.

I feel responsible?!

So, he thinks that doing practical things is a good enough support for you emotionally, you've told him it's not, and he persists.

You feel responsible. Are you responsible? And if so, how? Do you feel you should be accepting what he's offering without question?

I suppose that the centre of it isn't it? Our life is comfortable enough and I feel ungrateful and powerless question it.

addicted I think I would need to feel very brave to get on that conversation bus. I can picture doing it now though, after having had a gin to calm down a bit

My app turns the confused smiley into a bottle of gin, how apt

There is a lot going on . He sounds depressed . Why not see it as how can you improve your lives together . Think together of things you can do . Could you do a course , do your cv ? Could you talk to him about what he wants to do . Be Gentle Try to tackle some of the other issue and one at a time

Insist on only having sex in the shower.

Could you have a chat and talk about the things both of you would like to change for yourselves ? See if you can work together? I have had a job where I don’t want to go to bed as I don’t want to get up . Would getting signed off help him get his head together ?

@Badtimes21

I suppose that the centre of it isn't it? Our life is comfortable enough and I feel ungrateful and powerless question it.

So, essentially, you are grey rocking yourself; your emotions; your needs.

Where does this come from? Did you feel like this as a kid? It often comes from feeling unheard, as a kid, and being raised to think it's the right thing to do. You know, be grateful for what you've got, even if it's nothing like what you need, because it's better than upsetting the applecart.

sunny you're right there's a lot going on, it feels more so the more I unpick it but the thought of going head on into a conversation about it gives me the dread.

Why what do you dread will happen ?

I've spoken to him about getting signed off. He didn't say it but it was obvious that would be admitting failure and he'd rather die. Which, being completely frank, will happen if he has a huge health problem off the back of this. Like a heart attack, breakdown, or otherwise.

I think you need to pick some small issues to deal with first . If you could Change one thing what would that be ? Then what tiny step could you make towards that

Ok he won’t get signed off . Could you look together at his cv ? I’m not sure what area he works in - are their other options ?