My partner doesn’t take care of himself

[Badtimes21]

I’ve name changed so I don’t out myself but I’ll try to keep it vague anyway.

My other half is getting fat to the point where his belly fat is making things difficult. Not just his belly but lower down.

I know there’s few options right now, but all he does is sit still. Comfort eat. Look at a screen. His hygiene levels make me squick at times so I rarely initiate intimacy because I don’t know what I’ll get.

In full disclosure, I have a couple of stone more on me than I should, too.

He’s hideously unhappy in his job and working himself into the ground. Doesn’t want to go to bed because he’ll have to wake up in the morning again. We have a frugal one income life because of our children’s needs. I’m trying to find ways to change this so he can stop working in this job but it’s not quick to do after 15 years and SN child.

I just...am I wrong for wanting things to be different? I love him and want to have our lives together, but not like this. I don’t know how to speak to him as his body image is awful and his grey rock skills supreme (he reverts to highly emotionally unavailable due to childhood. At times I’ve dragged him kicking and screaming out of it, but not right now)

I don’t know what to do because all this is making me very unhappy too. I can’t begin to imagine his level of unhappiness either so I feel stuck between our emotions.

How can I change things?

Eckhart yes, lots of learned helplessness and fear of male aggression. Have considered the stately homes a number of times

sunny it's a tricky field to find other work and a difficult time, obviously. And we are constrained by children for reasons (special needs being one). you're so kind brainstorming this with me, I just don't know where to turn next really so this is all food for thought.

Oh, and part of his anxiety is being able to provide for everyone, ruining everyrhing, getting in trouble, so a pay cut, which I would be happy to happen, isn't something he'll consider no matter how many times I've been reassuring.

Then, essentially you have posted a thread about how your partner is not looking after himself, when you are also, in different ways, not looking after your self.

All of your posts are about his problems. Deal with yours. Learn about self validation. Learn about boundaries. You can start now, you can google those things and start finding things out straight away. You don't need to stay in this situation. You are not stuck. But you will feel stuck if you think that the way out is to fix another person's problems, because that's an impossible task, especially if, like your partner, they don't actually want to be fixed. You have your own stuff to focus on. Focus on it. Focus really hard. You don't have to feel like this.

Eckhart I really really am doing that. I promise you. I have been for near 20 years. Admitting this is a problem for me is part of that because I would previously have completely blamed myself for not being good enough

But y'know if I am just defective then there's not much hope is there? In the past three years I've set boundaries in other areas repeatedly and held firm to them. I am trying to create a life independently that will serve not just my family but also my needs and perhaps I do just have to ltb for my own sanity and growth. If someone won't accept they need therapy and won't accept they're damaging their family relationships then what's the point?

I think you are both in a really difficult situation. Try to be kind to yourself and him . Keep trying to look for a solution or different options . You have made the first step by considering it’s a problem. Think about Both your strengths and weaknesses, and what your next step will be . You have made the first step .

sunny thank you x