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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Asked DH if he loved me and he said he didn't know. Where do I go from that?

33 replies

FranklyDeer · 03/02/2021 15:02

I'm still digesting the answer and I don't know what to do next really.
That was two days ago and he's acting like normal (our normal), as if it doesn't mean anything or should have any effect.
If it was any other time I would take myself off somewhere as I feel I want to cry constantly. He wont say anymore and being together 24/7 is really stressful now.
Should I revisit the question even though he's resistant?

OP posts:

FossilisedFanny · 03/02/2021 15:04

Yes . I would ask him, you need to know where you stand. He can’t say this and just leave it!

visitorfromtheplanetzog · 03/02/2021 15:07

Why did you ask him in the first place, was there a reason you asked?

Shoxfordian · 03/02/2021 15:07

I would visit the lawyer
I don’t know may as well be no

GreatExpectationalized · 03/02/2021 15:16

You’re not yesterday’s cold breakfast which he isn’t sure he wants...
I know you must feel awful, but try to think clearly for a moment. Where is your self esteem? Do not let a man treat you that way.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/02/2021 15:17

How did it come up? I've never asked DH that. Do you love him? How long have you been together?

Sunshineandflipflops · 03/02/2021 15:18

When I asked my husband that and he answered the same way as yours, I found out he was having an affair shortly after.

I kind of wish I'd ended our marriage at the "I don't know" point as I don't think you should be with someone who doesn't know if they love you.

Sorry op. I think you deserve more than that.

carrottbaton · 03/02/2021 15:19

Why did you ask him? You must have suspected he may say he didn't, or you wouldn't have asked surely?

I think it's a difficult thing to come back from and things must be bad already for you to a) ask the q and b) him reply like he did.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/02/2021 15:20

What was the context of the question? How did he answer? What did you say?

WinterSunglasses · 03/02/2021 15:21

Ask him when he's moving out. Seriously. He can't expect to say that and just ignore it and carry on. Assume this means it's over and act accordingly. He presumably wants to drift around feeling 'confused' while still having the benefit of his marriage and family home. Don't let that just go on.

Lovelydiscusfish · 03/02/2021 15:24

M ex used to say this to me a lot. Totally wrecked my head! (We weren’t even married, but we were co-habiting). I totally understand why you are so upset. His refusal to discuss it must be equally unbearable. To be honest, who the fuck does he think he is, saying that to his wife and then thinking he doesn’t even need to expand on it!

What is the rest of your relationship like?

billy1966 · 03/02/2021 15:26

I would assume the marriage is over.

I would act to protect myself.

Don't allow yourself to be messed around.

Original poster

FranklyDeer · 03/02/2021 15:49

I was generally not feeling anything from him in the way of love, affection, care etc so I asked the question as we got into bed, there was nothing really said before that. He was fairly quick and quite sure with the answer and I said to him you must know if you do or you don't. He didn't reply.

There is a backstory of us not getting along in the first lockdown...not arguing, just not communicating. He said we get on well enough and shouldn't separate.
We've been together 20 years with 2DC.

Sunshine, it had crossed my mind but the opportunity is minimal. I thought somebody else must be on the receiving end of his affections because I wasn't.

OP posts:

AnitaB888 · 03/02/2021 15:53

When I asked my first husband this (he'd been acting cool and sullen for some months) he said he didn't know either.

I found out later he was cheating.

Sorry OP

TheLetterZ · 03/02/2021 15:59

What an incredibly hurtful thing to say.

He is being emotionally distant, comes out with this and then wants to stay together because you get on ok.

Do you want a house mate or a husband?

PurpleMustang · 03/02/2021 16:00

With he answer it should either be that he is willing to work on things and have a happy relationship or leave. If left and not dealt with, further down the line if he is cheating, he will through back but we wasn't having a proper relationship so it doesn't matter that I cheated. He is checking out of the relationship already, if he isn't cheating he may be bidding his time till something does come along to make leaving (ie OW to do parenting) easier on him.

user1471538283 · 03/02/2021 16:02

He would be leaving if he were mine. He either loves you or he doesn't. Saying he doesn't know is a cop out and the run up to saying he doesn't.

TwilightSkies · 03/02/2021 16:08

Do you love him?

Chiccie · 03/02/2021 16:15

I’d strongly advise you to stay away from him. Find somewhere else to sleep. Spare room etc. I had this several years ago from my DH. I wish I’d left then. It’s impossible to come back from those words. They sit inside your brain forever and the marriage is now ruined. Mine changed his mind but it colours everything. Once the words are said they can’t be unsaid. I’m in same position 20 years and 2 DC. It’s shattered my self confidence and my self esteem. He has slowly manoeuvred me out of his life. Made friends I don’t know. Stopped me having contact with his family. We now sleep separately and we are room mates. It’s crushing. I’ve let him do it and let it drag on and I should have got out because now with lockdown and no job I’m fucked. If you can, cut it dead and run. This time next year you’ll be on your way to being over it with a new life and you won’t be fucked with your life over

caringcarer · 03/02/2021 22:37

He does not know if he loves you but no doubt he expects you to do.jidvwashing and cook him meals. I would stop doing things for him. Seriously why would you cook a meal for someone who is not sure he loves you. If he says he does not know he is basics.trllimg you he does not. Stop doing his washing leave it for him to do. Let him see what life will be like without his wife. I would be seeing legal advice on what I would be entitled to.

mamaoffourdc · 04/02/2021 13:03

How's it going op?

Gemma3355 · 04/02/2021 13:18

How did he say it? Was it during a bicker?
What made you ask him?

MMmomDD · 04/02/2021 17:46

OP - I think if all of this was happening during normal times - I’d agree with everyone else here.
But given that it all started in lockdown 1, and we are now in lockdown 3, with its dread and seemingly unending periodic bad news and no light in sight - I’d say - it’s hard to say.

Maybe your marriage is indeed in trouble.
But it’s also possible that he is one of the many people struggling with the massive changes to our lives and prolonged confinement. Maybe he is depressed.

As someone who has been depressed a few times - I do remember how it feels then - life loses any colour and emptiness fills you. Last thing at that point is being able to feel or express love.
Sorry - this must not help, but wanted to give you another way of looking at it.

HereIAmOnceAgain · 04/02/2021 19:42

Like PPs DH said this to me and I wish I'd left then, before it ate away at my self esteem and made me feel worthless. He said 'I don't think I love you anymore', refused to talk about it, just expected our relationship to go on as normal. In fact got angry when I couldn't take it any longer and put firm boundaries in place. I wish Id put boundaries in place at the time. Told him that we'd be living as flatmates until he worked out WTF he wanted. And if he couldn't do that quickly and start treating me with love and kindness then we would separate. It's a horrible way to treat your OH. I wish I'd posted and seen that at the time. It took me way to long to realise that what he did, expecting our relationship to go on after what he said, was a complete mind fuck. I didn't realise how damaging it was till after the damage was done. Don't sell yourself short, you deserve so much more than this.

Otter71 · 05/02/2021 02:44

Can I ask whether this is a change ? Whether he added anything else?
I am autistic. I can be very literal and too honest/ blunt.
I had episodes with exh where he would ask if I loved him and I would ask him to define love because I wasn't sure what it meant. Which probably comes to the same thing as OP but was honestly just me asking for help to understand a complex concept. Sometimes I would say I think so but I am not sure because I am not sure if I understand it As things progressed down hill I might say other things like I am not sure if we aren't just a habit All of this was someone who struggles with complex emotions and knows they often don't get it right, but initially Farr from any wish to find a better solution.

Good luck.

Original poster

FranklyDeer · 09/02/2021 16:33

I didn't realise that I'd lost a post somehow.
In answer to a few of the questions he has gone from thinking he loves me, to not knowing, in the space of six months.
There has been a recent discussion because I couldn't take the status quo of behaving as normal after that minor bombshell. OH now says that he was tired when I asked and shouldn't have said it. Were now in a weird back to usual lifestyle.In the back of my mind I'll always remember that he said this...doesn't matter how hard I try to forget.

Maybe I should wait and see what happens after lockdown...life will change in one way or another.

OP posts:

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