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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it best to go no contact now for my ex to reconsider his feelings?

28 replies

varbie89 · 03/02/2021 10:45

Ex-boyfriend broke up with me a few months ago. I stupidly kept in contact with him afterwards and we caught up a week or so later. Been getting mixed signals from him ever since. I asked if we could catch up recently and he was sort of interested but half not. I told him today that I think our reasons for catching up seem different (as I obviously still like him) and he's probably doing it for friendly reasons. He agreed and said it's sensible to not catch up for now but we can revisit it anytime. Does this sort of sound like he just wants to wait till his feelings possibly change?

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2021 10:46

Ehrm no op it doesn’t I’m sorry, it’s over, you’re going to need to accept it.

Prettybubblesintheair · 03/02/2021 10:47

I think he’s certain that he doesn’t want to be with you but is keeping you dangling incase he can’t get laid elsewhere. Beware of him using you for sex until he can meet someone else. For your own sanity, go no contact. Block him delete his number.

LittleBirdBlu · 03/02/2021 10:51

No, he's wanting your feelings to change to just wanting a friendship. He's too polite though to say it outright, but the relationship is done. No contact is for you to get over it and he's hoping you will stop contacting him altogether. Relationship breakdowns are awful, painful and confusing. Going no contact will help you heal, still being touch with him will not do that.

Justcallmebebes · 03/02/2021 10:54

No, sorry. He is just too gutless to say it outright but he's just not that into you.

Gather up your dignity and move on. You may find he has a change of heart and misses you when you're not available to him, but I seriously doubt it. Men are v simplistic in that respect. Sorry. It sucks, I know but you can do better

StoneColdBitch · 03/02/2021 11:14

It's over. You need to cut contact and move on while you still have some dignity intact.

user1465423698 · 03/02/2021 11:16

No. It sounds like it's over and you need to cease contact permanently so you can adapt to life without him.

emily372 · 03/02/2021 11:21

First you need to accept it's over. If you want any chance of getting him back or him at least missing you and regretting the break up then you must back off now.
He needs to experience life without you, no texts or calls.
You need to go no contact and focus on yourself, it's the the only way to get anywhere in this situation.
In the no contact you must keep yourself busy so that if he does one day reach out, you can tell him how great life is now for you.

It worked for me, I believed it was truly over, went no contact and genuinely focused on myself. Shifted all energy from him to me and now we're back together and expecting.

Original poster

varbie89 · 03/02/2021 11:48

@emily372

Thank you! I've been overwhelming him too with my responses, something I don't normally do. Positive thing is that when he broke up with me, he was unsure of the decision and still expresses doubt. I do sort of think what failed him to come around sooner, is that I kept in contact. Of course, I don't know for truly.

OP posts:

Original poster

varbie89 · 03/02/2021 11:48

@emily372

Can I also ask - how long did you have to go NC for him to come around?

OP posts:

Sn0tnose · 03/02/2021 11:53

No, it sounds like he wants to wait until YOUR feelings change. It has been very easy for him so far, because you’ve been friendly with him, so he doesn’t have to feel guilty for hurting you by ending your relationship. But he knows you still have feelings for him and he doesn’t want to see you in case he has to make it clear to you again that nothing is going to happen between you in the future. Because that’s not going to be nice for either of you.

I think you need to accept it’s done, let it go by cutting contact, and give yourself the space and time you need to get over him. If he wanted to be with you, wild horses couldn’t keep him away. 💐

user1465423698 · 03/02/2021 11:57

TedMullins · 03/02/2021 11:59

No. He’s leaving the door open to catch up as friends as he probably does like you as a person, but not want to be with you romantically. Or maybe he’s just being polite. Having doubts doesn’t mean he thinks it’s the wrong decision, breaking up with someone is never easy. I’ve dumped people that I knew I didn’t have that fundamental connection with but they were ostensibly nice guys, and even though I knew I had to dump them I still felt guilt and regret afterwards. But I never went back. I’ve also been dumped in similar circumstances and NC really is the only way to move on. In my experience none of the dumpers ever changed their mind and came back, but that’s fine, as I’m over them and happy without them.

AgentJohnson · 03/02/2021 17:42

Can I also ask - how long did you have to go NC for him to come around?

Oh dear God! You really aren’t listening OP.

Eckhart · 03/02/2021 17:53

What's wrong with saying to yourself 'I'm not hanging around waiting for somebody who has openly said to me he just wants to be friends: I've got a life to lead.' and then getting on with your life without him?

That's a genuine question; can you actually explain why you're not doing that?

emily372 · 03/02/2021 17:55

@varbie89

He broke up with me and the next day I went no contact for three weeks

He tried reaching out but I forced myself to not speak to him until I was emotionally ready. I spent time on myself and really questioned myself "Do I want him back?" "Are we good together?" Rather than "How do I get him back?" I focused on Do I even want him! Lol
I chose to respond to him, I simply wished him the best and thanked him for the good times we had. it was strange how he was so certain he was done to then Realising it was a mistake. Either way, I was OK with any outcome. I told him, to take some more time to himself, figure out what he wants and I'm doing the same.
A few weeks later, we met up and talked about past issues then took it all slow, dated again, no pressure for either side.

So I do recommend no contact for yourself. If he comes back and you still want him, then great. But you must take it slow.

Crankley · 03/02/2021 18:01

He is over and out. He won't be reconsidering his feelings as he has moved on.

emily372 · 03/02/2021 18:06

Forgot to add

Whatever your outcome, no contact will help you and you may find that after a while you don't even want him back. You have to remember, if he wanted you, he would have you. Keep telling yourself this. He's given you a great opportunity to really spend time with yourself. Use this as a positive. Everything happens for a reason, sorry to sound cliche.

Good luck

RantyAnty · 03/02/2021 18:06

He broke up and he's not coming back.

The best thing is to go no contact and pretend he doesn't exist.
With lockdown, you can get online and chat with heaps of guys. Have a laugh.
Do you have a list of things you want to do in 2021? Make one out.
Try a new recipe you've always wanted to make. Read a new book. Sign up for a class on Coursera.

Wanderlusto · 03/02/2021 19:04

OP he is done.
He doesnt want you back and contact or not is probably not going to change that.

Have respect for yourself and go no contact FOR you.

marshmallowfluffy · 03/02/2021 19:44

Let him go.
It will be easier to get over him if you go NC.

MrsWindass · 03/02/2021 19:54

[quote varbie89]@emily372

But I think NC will be for me too. Even if he doesn't reach out, I need to show him that I can live without him. As me texting him has really not helped, if anything, it's been an indictment to either getting back or moving on.[/quote]
I'm sorry but you are living in Fantasy Land .He will say or do anything to try to get out of this with as little fuss as possible. FGS just cut contact and move on with your new life .

Housing101 · 03/02/2021 20:11

He just wants you hanging on. So he has a back up plan (you). It works for him so he doesn't have to have lost you completely.. but doesn't change that he doesn't want to be with you.

It's over so do yourself a big favour and go no contact!
It's never healthy to remain friends initially. Maybe after a few years and you're in a healthier, different place.

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2021 20:22

how long did you have to go NC for him to come around

It’s not a magic bullet op.I’m sorry. You seem to think if you go no contact he will come running back. It’s very rare that happens. In most instances when it’s over it’s over.

Sunflower1970 · 04/02/2021 08:28

He doesn’t want to be with you anymore. You are making a fool of yourself sorry.

cracracatlady · 04/02/2021 08:41

😬

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