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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I stay or go?

48 replies

Mummyme83 · 02/02/2021 19:56

Hello, a couple of years ago when my father was dying from cancer and I neglected my husband he had a 4.5 month sexual affair with a lady from work and after he ended it he carried on for 13 months having an emotional affair with her. He pursued her, he bought her presents and made her feel good until she told him she loved him. Whilst they were together they made plans to leave their partners and live together, they told each how much they loved each other. My husband ended it because the stress of that, his work, his uni course had got too much for him. He had a near nervous breakdown and started taking antidepressants. They stayed friends and spoke numerous times if not all day. 5 months ago I received an anonymous message (I know from her) telling me all about their relationship. At first he denied it, as did she, but when he broke off contact with her she told me everything so he also broke down and confessed. He said he felt relieved. She told my whole family and his family know. They hated him for it. I’ve banned him from all social media; he was very social before, with fbk, ig, twitter and he also sold paintings on websites. He doesn’t do any of this now. He assures me he doesn’t mind but I am worried he will resent me for it. He tells me how much he loves me and his family and how much she was a mistake but I can’t stop thinking if she hadn’t have told me would it still be going on now. I know it wasn’t sexual at the end but they were very much a part of each other’s lives. I want to trust him because I adore him but I don’t know. My friends love him but don’t think he can be trusted especially as he started the affair when my father was dying. I am really confused. Does anyone have any thing they could tell me, good or bad, to help me with my feelings?

Thank you

OP posts:

Miffyliffy · 02/02/2021 20:11

I don't think you would have found out otherwise.

He didnt openly tell you first.

That's a time when he should have been supporting you not putting his dick in someone else's vagina. So to me the timing of it is even more unforgivable. How can you trust him in times tough times, what happens when something else really difficult happens ? Will he go looking for a new fanny again?

He has no respect for you.

He wasn't too concerned about his family while carrying out his cheating for extended periods of time. You can't trust him, he's told you loud and clear exactly what he thinks of you, that he can blatantly lie to your face and now he's telling you anything to stop his life from falling apart which he had no care for while in another fanny.

If leave.

So much continued disrespect.

Jesskir89 · 02/02/2021 20:11

Op you didn't neglect your husband he neglected you. Rather than being there to hold you while your father was dying he chose to jump into bed with another woman. I'm so sorry youve been through this. I can't give you advice because it has to be your decision but I would have thrown him out there and then. He's on anti depressants because he feels guilty well that's his problem. Hope you're ok x

category12 · 02/02/2021 20:13

It's always tempting to hold on, but he betrayed you at a very vulnerable time in your life, when he should have been supporting you. It went on for months and months.

And yes, he will resent you for stopping him using SM etc. Long term, you can't police and control him, it's bad for your mental health apart from anything else.

rawalpindithelabrador · 02/02/2021 20:17

Your father was dying and so he shagged someone else. Then he carried on. He didn't tell you about it. He was planning to hide that from you. Forever. I'd be gone.

Crystalvas · 02/02/2021 20:23

Instead of being by your side and supporting you when you most needed him he choose to start an affair. It carried on for a significant amount of time. He has no respect for you. Now you have banned him from social media. You cant live your life like that. You’ll always be wondering if hes up to no good.He could always open up social media accounts you may never know off. When hes out you will always wondering if hes up to no good. He tells you it was all a mistake yet he had planned to leave you. What does that tell you op. Kick his sorry ass out. He probably factored in the cost of the divorce or his reputation and changed his mind.

Original poster

Mummyme83 · 02/02/2021 20:24

Thank you so much for your replies. I forgot to add that we have been together for 16 years and married for 11. He is all I’ve ever known and we have 2 children together.Before he ended the affair with her he told me it was over, I got very upset and our children overheard and also got very upset. We went to his parents and he decided to stay. That’s when he ended the sexual affair. They also overheard the arguing when I found out about them and they begged him not to leave. He was devastated and promised it was over, that he would have no more contact with her (which he hasn’t) and that he loved me more than anything. He promises me every day and makes me feel wanted. I agree like you said he could be saying what I want to hear but what if he really has just made an awful mistake? How could I live without him?

OP posts:

category12 · 02/02/2021 20:28

How could I live without him?
More easily than you think.

How can you live with someone you can never fully trust, who lied to your face for months and months, and let you down so badly? It's really hard. I don't recommend it.

An awful mistake that went on for months. That he chose to keep making every day.

Jesskir89 · 02/02/2021 20:28

Are you happy and can't you get over the affair?

Jesskir89 · 02/02/2021 20:30

Can you sorry *

Aimee1987 · 02/02/2021 20:33

You didnt neglect him.
My DP was the carer for his dying mother. I helped in every way I could. Prepared meals to bring up, took up the slack in housework. That's what a supportive partner does. I never perceived it as being neglected.

What he did was betray you when you were vulnerable and hurting.

Original poster

Mummyme83 · 02/02/2021 20:36

I think I am. I’m happy with my children and I do love him. But I don’t know if I’m trying to convince myself of that. She told me her relationship with her husband was over because of it so I don’t know if part of me doesn’t want her to win. I’m not a very strong person and can’t do much around the house ie bills, diy etc. And my mum doesn’t live near me. We have just been left a lot of money in my fathers will and bought a new house in a lovely area, he is a public member of society so everyone would find out if I left him. I also love his family. They are like my own and I would never be able to lose them. I tell myself he’s not thinking of her and that I can get over the affair.

OP posts:

Crystalvas · 02/02/2021 20:39

The children are no reason for him to stay. In time they’ll adapt and as the get older they will understand. If he can lie to your face for so long he can do it again. And lets face it if he loved you more than anything he would’t have cheated in the first place. You’ll never truely trust him. You deserve to be free to meet someone that does deserve you.

Jesskir89 · 02/02/2021 20:39

If you wanted to leave him you would manage but it doesn't sound like you do so all I can suggest is you talk and talk and talk. Learn everything that happened so you're never left wondering then try and move on from it x

category12 · 02/02/2021 20:43

Perhaps you would benefit from going to counselling on your own and work through what you want to do and how you're feeling. It sounds like your self-esteem is through the floor, unsurprisingly. You're more competent and capable than you think you are, and it would be helpful if you could approach the decision from a stronger position psychologically, so if you decided to stay, it would be out of choice rather than partially out of fear and feeling inadequate.

You could also attend relationship counselling with him.

minmooch · 02/02/2021 20:46

He lied and cheated when you were looking after your dying father. What a prince he sounds. But you must stay with him so that he can pay the bills and do a bit of diy

Dery · 02/02/2021 21:05

“Perhaps you would benefit from going to counselling on your own and work through what you want to do and how you're feeling. It sounds like your self-esteem is through the floor, unsurprisingly. You're more competent and capable than you think you are, and it would be helpful if you could approach the decision from a stronger position psychologically, so if you decided to stay, it would be out of choice rather than partially out of fear and feeling inadequate.”

This. And even before you start counselling, change the narrative. You began by saying you “neglected” your H when your father was dying, thereby excusing him for engaging in a deeply passionate and lengthy affair with another woman with whom he discussed leaving you. I mean WTAF, OP? When my mother was dying, I also focused my attention on her for the remaining months of her life and was away from home many weekends. Our DCs were primary school age at the time. My DH supported me and did everything so that I could spend that time with my DM. He didn’t embark on a love affair with another woman.

You are stronger than you think and I think if you start looking at the truth of the narrative (he did this to you when you needed him most and he’s even got you thinking it’s your fault) you might start to feel differently. His position in society etc is utterly irrelevant to your decision. Your inheritance has allowed you to buy a lovely home. Of course, he’s sweet-talking you right now. But look at what he did. Not what he says. Are you going to police his social media use forever?

Some relationships get over affairs. But this one seems particularly shitty on his part. And I’m mad as hell that he’s got you blaming yourself for it.

Original poster

Mummyme83 · 02/02/2021 21:47

I am angry with him and very angry with her. I do feel like a fool. His family are being very supportive as are mine. I do worry that if we stay together will he always think of her and will he resent me, his decisions and what his life is like now. I just want to see the future and know whether I can move on.

OP posts:

Jesskir89 · 02/02/2021 22:01

You will one way or another only time will tell which way

Miffyliffy · 02/02/2021 22:22

You'll never know if hes thinking of her during sex.

Just because you don't normally pay the bills or do diy that you cant..... you can...don't stay with someone that treats you like a door mat for things you CAN learn to do yourself.

Sounds hard leaving.

But imagine living a life where you don't have this in the back of your mind for years on end..

Imagine sleeping well and not having these thoughts pop into your mind at times if the day and night.

You deserve better.

funnylittlefloozie · 02/02/2021 22:46

Huh, so he's staying around at exactly the same time you inherit a load of money from your dad. What an amazing coincidence. I'm sure he's staying in the marriage because he can't bear to be without you.

What a scumbag.

Dery · 02/02/2021 23:21

“I am angry with him and very angry with her. I do feel like a fool.”

You should be a hell of a lot angrier with him than you are with her. He’s the one who swore to forsake all others for you.

You’re not a fool. You’re a trusting, loving wife who wishes her life could back to what it was before her H betrayed her, embarked on an extended love affair with another woman when his wife was particularly vulnerable and generally trampled on her heart and shat on her from a great height. You’re not a fool. But he is a bastard.

You can learn to pay bills and do DIY (or pay for it to be done). You’re an adult. All adults are capable of living independently if they have to (unless some physical or mental condition prevents it and that is not the case with you).

You may be able to get beyond this but please place the blame firmly where it belongs - with him. Not with her. And sure as hell not with you.

Miffyliffy · 03/02/2021 00:07

I agree she owes you nothing.

It's him that you should be angry at not her.

He hurt you...she didn't. If she fucked Fred from down the road that wouldn't hurt you... So it's not her that hurt you it's him.

He did this to you. All the pain and hurt is because of him.

dillusional · 03/02/2021 00:15

Op I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. From what you have written, you haven't neglected him, he has neglected you as HE is the one that should have supported you instead of pursuing other women. For this reason, I would never ever forgive him and would move on. You mentioned all the problems such as mental health etc he entails, just leave him and don't let him drag you into this. You will be happier without him. Good luck.

WatieKatie · 03/02/2021 00:27

I feel very sorry for you OP. It’s a pain like no other but it will get better with time.

The question is what happens when something else comes along in your life which means he isn’t centre of your attention? Go & have another affair?

When my husband cheated the divorce papers were served within a matter of days. It was the most painful experience but I can honestly say I’m better off on all levels for it. Living a life of always wondering is no existence.

Keep strong.

Sunflower1970 · 03/02/2021 03:53

I could not cope with feeling second best and from what you’ve described it seems like him and her deep down want to be together

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