Should I stay or go?

[Mummyme83]

Hello, a couple of years ago when my father was dying from cancer and I neglected my husband he had a 4.5 month sexual affair with a lady from work and after he ended it he carried on for 13 months having an emotional affair with her. He pursued her, he bought her presents and made her feel good until she told him she loved him. Whilst they were together they made plans to leave their partners and live together, they told each how much they loved each other. My husband ended it because the stress of that, his work, his uni course had got too much for him. He had a near nervous breakdown and started taking antidepressants. They stayed friends and spoke numerous times if not all day. 5 months ago I received an anonymous message (I know from her) telling me all about their relationship. At first he denied it, as did she, but when he broke off contact with her she told me everything so he also broke down and confessed. He said he felt relieved. She told my whole family and his family know. They hated him for it. I’ve banned him from all social media; he was very social before, with fbk, ig, twitter and he also sold paintings on websites. He doesn’t do any of this now. He assures me he doesn’t mind but I am worried he will resent me for it. He tells me how much he loves me and his family and how much she was a mistake but I can’t stop thinking if she hadn’t have told me would it still be going on now. I know it wasn’t sexual at the end but they were very much a part of each other’s lives. I want to trust him because I adore him but I don’t know. My friends love him but don’t think he can be trusted especially as he started the affair when my father was dying. I am really confused. Does anyone have any thing they could tell me, good or bad, to help me with my feelings?

Thank you

He's saying he loves you, but what he loves is the status quo. He loves being admired by you, the children and your families. You've just bought a nice house. If he can't persuade you to forgive him he has a lot to lose. That's not the same as loving you. If he loved you he'd have been your rock whilst your father was dying. Instead he was thinking 'I'm not getting enough attention here, where can I stick my dick and get to feel good?'.

I think you need more time to process your feelings. I can understand that you've just lost your father so losing your husband might seem too much right now. But you need to seeing things, and him, as they really are, not through the filter of what you've thought or assumed in the past. It takes time to adjust. Just remember to focus on you and what you want. He's only interested in self preservation, he's not on your team.

How much time do people usually need? My friends have said they would have kicked him out straight away but now I haven’t I feel the moment has passed and I’m just going along with it. I don’t mean it like that exactly as I never anticipated this change and I never imagined my life without him. I do love him and I believe it was a mistake. But I don’t know how he’s feeling, as much as he’s telling me he loves me and wants me which I believe there is that what if.

You can decide you don’t want to carry on at any time, your father was dying and instead of supporting you, he was sleeping with her. It doesn’t seem forgivable to me.

You wen to love him
He’s trying
But he has behaved abysmally

Based on what you have said, I would not do anything in the short term. Just keep seeing if he carries on trying and you can build trust BUT I would use this time to start getting more involved in bills, finances etc

Then if goes pear shaped, you’re in a strong position to leave

Even in your messages you’re still completely focused on HIS feelings. I know it’s difficult when you’re in the throes of betrayal but this is the time that you need to put yourself and YOUR feelings first. Do you really want to be with a man who had an affair while your father was dying? No decent person behaves like that regardless of what is going on their life and I know some might disagree with me on that one but for me, it’s black and white. If he can be that dishonest and deceptive while you’re going through such an awful time, does he really deserve another chance? Would you do something like that to him while his parent was dying?

He might well "love" you, but his love is completely worthless when it isn't accompanied by loyalty or fidelity. "Love" isn't enough on its own when he can't put aside selfishness, won't support you at a difficult time but starts pursuing other women when you're in pain and struggling, when he's god forbid not your focus of attention constantly. His love is as valuable as dirty dishwater.

It was a mistake he made every day for months. Not one mistake, but a mistake he kept choosing to make every time he contacted her, every time he met her, every time he fucked her, every time he lied to you and hid what he was up to.

You don't have to decide anything on any time scale.

Give yourself time, go to individual counselling.

If you want to try to make it work, then try - but never feel like you have lost the right to say "you know what, I can't do this after all" because only time will tell.

In the meantime, build yourself up, lean on friends, get yourself to a position that you feel you would cope with or without him, so that you're making a positive decision if you stay, a choice out of wanting to, not a negative choice choice to stay, a choice out of being afraid of the alternative.

Thank you all for your advice. I will think long and hard about what I should do. I guess my self esteem is low and I just want love. 😞

I would second getting some counselling for yourself to work through this. It could be remote during lockdown, if you can do it from somewhere whilst he is not around.

His love is rubbish tho.

You've asked the question which means you already know it's over.
I wouldn't have a man that betrayed me like that in the house.

You adore him?
Why exactly? He betrayed you at a time you needed his emotional support more than ever. What an abusive arse having an affair when his wife was going through an awful time

“How much time do people usually need? My friends have said they would have kicked him out straight away but now I haven’t I feel the moment has passed and I’m just going along with it. I don’t mean it like that exactly as I never anticipated this change and I never imagined my life without him. I do love him and I believe it was a mistake. But I don’t know how he’s feeling, as much as he’s telling me he loves me and wants me which I believe there is that what if.”

As PP have said: you can take your time over the decision-making. You can give it another 6-12 months and then, if it’s not working for you, you can tell your H then that you want to end your marriage.

But this wasn’t a “mistake” by your H. By calling it a mistake (was that his word for it by any chance?), you’re absolutely minimising what went on. A mistake is a drunken one night stand. Not a lengthy physical and emotional love affair. He completely screwed you over.

Finally - screw how he feels. He may love you in his way. But his love was worth nothing when tested. Focus on how you feel. Not how he feels.

Not only have you got to live your life wondering whether it’s really over between them, you know you’ve got a really selfish man that doesn’t support you in a crisis. Sod that! You need someone that has your back in life. My friend had a husband that was a useless crock of shit when her dad died of cancer ;and even he didn’t have an affair!). She nearly left him, but didn’t. Two years later she got terminally ill herself. He was just as useless and unsupportive. By then she didn’t have the energy to leave. I wish she’d got rid the first time he’d let majorly her down.

And while you should be mad as hell at him, this woman is pretty awful too. Who sends someone that’s just lost her dad to cancer a letter designed to wreck her marriage (even if it was a shit marriage). The pair of selfish sods sound well suited.

Ps, I remain very good friends with my ex’s family 18 years after we split. His mum was lovely to me.

That’s what I’m trying hard to get over; the length and the amount they spoke. We went on a family day trip together (both families) whilst they were together. That hurts me. I am just struggling so much with not having him in my life.

“I am just struggling so much with not having him in my life.”

That’s natural. The point is whether your hurt, anger and mistrust of him outweigh your desire to keep him in your life. It’s hard to tell through posts but you still don’t sound angry enough. Or you have directed your fiercest anger at the wrong person (the OW) when it should be directed at him. You’re allowed to be angry with her. But it was him who smashed up your relationship. He talked love with another woman and discussed leaving you. When your father was dying.

When you started this thread, you began by blaming yourself for his infidelity because you had ‘neglected’ him (what is he, a child?). That’s the line he fed you and you had clearly swallowed it. You describe it as a mistake when it was serious and extended wrongdoing. He has blamed you and minimised what he did.

So this is a man who cheated on you deeply and seriously when you were distressed and vulnerable and then got you blaming yourself for it. This is the opposite of having your back. Is this the man you want in your life?

I think knowledge would help here. Consult a lawyer. What would your rights be if you split? What would happen to your lovely new home - could you keep it or would you have to leave? You don’t have to act on this information. But knowledge is power and there’s a real sense of powerlessness coming through your posts which isn’t helping you. You didn’t choose this situation - your H did - but you can choose what to do about it and take your time to do so.

Thank you for your reply. I think I will get some legal advice. Little things remind me of her and then them.

It’s just my children. They absolutely adore him too and the thought of breaking up their family kills me and I think maybe I should live like this for them.

“It’s just my children. They absolutely adore him too and the thought of breaking up their family kills me and I think maybe I should live like this for them.”

You’re not breaking up their family. Actually that language really bothers me - it’s stigmatising and judgmental - some of the most functional families I know are families where the parents are separated but co-parenting sensibly and amicably, for the sake of the children. Some of the least functional families are families where the parents have stayed together when they shouldn’t have and there is constant upset and anger bubbling away.

No doubt your children will be upset for a while but they will get over it and they can still see their father - he’s still going to be around - it’s just that you and he will no longer be married. It’s your marriage that will be broken, not your family. So please stop thinking of it in those terms.

And, you know, while your children are really important in all of this, you are too. You’re allowed to be happy. You’re allowed to say that you can’t remain married to someone who has betrayed you so deeply. You can make clear that this is between you and their father and that you want them to enjoy a lovely relationship with him.

But don’t stay for that reason. Don’t make yourself a martyr. No-one will thank you for it, nor should they. If you want to stay for yourself, that’s one thing, but don’t hang it on your children - that’s unfair to them.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. This is your one shot. Take advice. Weigh up what most matters to you. Take the time you need to make the decision that’s right for you. Don’t let him hustle you into saying he’s forgiven and it’s all okay. You can leave any time - months, years from now even - you can say you’ve tried to live with what happened but you can’t. You can do what’s right for you and do it for yourself. And don’t use your children to justify it. Remember - they will learn important life lessons about trust and consequences if you do end the marriage because of this.

In the interests of full disclosure - my dad had multiple affairs during my parents’ marriage (my mum had a few ONSs too). In the end, it became too much and they split when my sister and I were adults. And actually became and remained good friends including after my mum remarried. My DH and I have had periods of open relationship - he has with my blessing slept with one other woman and I’ve slept with one other man. My sister has also been in an open relationship. So I can see how sex outside the marriage unit can be accommodated in certain circumstances. But it’s definitely not for everyone. And it would be a whole different ball game if this had gone on behind my back and if I discovered my DH had made plans to leave me for her.

Think carefully about your feelings. What a compassionate individual he was? Your father was dying and you that was the time you needed his care and consideration the most. So what does he do? He has an affair with another woman because oh dear you are quite rightly had to focus your attention on your father. What a fine example of a human being your husband actually is!

Not only that - but remember he chose not to tell you - you found out. At no point did his conscience tell him to stop and tell you all. What does that say about him? It tells you he put himself first and didn't care enough about you to tell you the truth.

Over time - this will eat away at you! It will eat away at you that he didn't respect you enough to stay loyal to you and it will eat away that at your lowest point he chose to ignore your welfare and cheat on you with someone else. The mental health issue maybe real - but it is not your job to fix him so don't be feeling sorry for him.

My ex cheated on me. I tried to forgive but couldn't. I found out through someone else too. Don't stay with him because it is just practical. You deserve much more than this! You can't police his life - he will in time get fed up of it. Do you want to live a life that like? I think not.

Sorry, OP but I think it's time to wake up to the fact that he is not the person you thought he was. You deserve better. You can still remain friendly with his family. I have managed it.

Look after yourself - because he won't so make yourself and your children your priority. Your life can be so much better!

The best advise I feel I can give from experience is simple to me.

You either forgive and forget.
Or
You leave.

Being in a relationship with a cheat where there is always concern it might happen again, resentment it happened, or digs and arguments about how one behaviour is more acceptable than what they did , won't work.

I've seen it in others and also experienced myself.

There is no joy to punish someone continuously- it's not good for either person.

You are best to just start again if you can't get past it.

He will cheat again. Unfortunately I think you're just wasting your time with him, the good years when you could be socialising (after Covid) and meeting new people. He's a liar. He's fake. He doesn't love you otherwise he wouldn't have had the long affair. He obviously doesn't love the OW either as he'd have left you (or maybe he stayed out of fear/guilt).

He's a wimp and only loves himself. It's a poor example to your children and you should be showing them what you do when people disrespect you.

I suspect if they haven't already, they'll resume contact when they feel the coast is clear or he'll find someone else to give him that extra attention. You deserve better lovely, please don't settle just because you have history.

Thank you. He says that he is relieved that she told me (even thought she denies it was her) because now he doesn’t need to pretend to be friends with her. He told her he only stayed friends with her as he was afraid that she would tell me about their affair, but as she said if that was the case there would have been no reason for him to be in as much contact with her as he was. He initiated a lot of the chat, if she didn’t reply for a while etc. He says he wanted to end the friendship for a long time but also felt guilty towards her because even though what they did was wrong he also didn’t want to hurt her and didn’t want her telling me. He says if she hadn’t have told him she liked him then he never would have acted upon it. I want to make it work. I just don’t know how. I will contact a counsellor.