New relationship, DV disclosure & how to end safely

[Glindaswand]

Hi any advice gratefully received.

I have been seeing someone since late last year and found out today that they have been significantly involved in Domestic Violence with previous partners.

I have no direct experience of this before. I want to end the relationship but safely.

This person knows where I live and work. I live alone with my child. We have been talking daily and prior to lockdown were seeing each other and were intimate.

Any lived experience or knowledge of how to do this without receiving an unpleasant response would be really helpful.

This is a new post on this account but have been on mumsnet previously whilst pregnant

I would just tell them that you have some stuff going on in your life right now and have decided you need to be single. That you've enjoyed their company but it's the end of the road and you wish them all the best.

You could even just text it to them.
But maybe a call would be wise. If by call though you'll probably just have to say you arent feeling the relationship anymore and want to be single. Dont be drawn into the idea that you owe them end in person. Or any more explanation. Just 'I'm not feeling it anymore, we've run our course I think. All the best dude! Cheerios!'. Then block him on everything. Dont be talked into 'remaining friends'.

Speak to Women's Aid.

And If you have any of his stuff, post it to him recorded delivery. Under no circumstances do you meet him. And if he harasses you then dont be slow to call the police.

How did you find out?

@user1465423698

Speak to Women's Aid.

This is a good idea. They might have some techniques to suggest.

@Wanderlusto

And If you have any of his stuff, post it to him recorded delivery. Under no circumstances do you meet him. And if he harasses you then dont be slow to call the police.

and this too.

How have they been with you so far?

I’d send a text and say he is a great guy but due to your own personal issues you need to work through these alone. I’d lie through my teeth and say it was all about me and that I had some stuff from my childhood or something to work through. But I’d speak back and not reply for a bit and then if he asks say the above.

Thanks.... I’m just going to lay low tonight from this person & considering advice.

Usually I’m a very straight up honest person & no qualms about ending relationships. I just think my usual approach might not be the best.

I found out via official channels & to be honest it was a bit of a surprise the extent.

This person has been very charming but as I gather some people with a history of abuse can be.

I’d echo getting some advice from Women’s Aid; they’ll have loads of experience in this area and will be able to advise you on the safest way to do things.

I can't imagine the shock. But so glad you've found things out. Take tonight and consider you approach.

Always best if they think it's a you issue. That way it doesnt offend their ego and it also give them.no stepping stone to try and wiggle in.

But I wouldnt say it was linked to past trauma or anything like that as pp suggested as that shows you are vulnerable. Just keep it vague. 'I've decided I want to be single right now'. .he doesnt need to know why. It's your prerogative to decide things like that without any further explanation required.

Yeah most abusers are charming. It's how they get away with it.

Good luck, definitely doing the right thing.

Cheers @wanderlusto sage advice.

Absolutely so glad I got to know now before things became to serious.

Will take some time to consider & call womensaid.

Well done for due diligence and finding out in time.

Good luck!

Well done for finding out and deciding to end it.

Make sure you change your locks if he has had access to your keys. And get the locksmith to have a look at your flat security and make recommendations.

@Wyntersdiary

Yeah most abusers are charming. It's how they get away with it.

Good luck, definitely doing the right thing.

Absolutely this.

What made you request the info, op?

Is there a way you can let him know that another man is nearby but not in the romantic sense? My dad/brother/cousin/uncle will be staying for a while to help me with X. Most of them are cowards and target vulnerable women.

Yeh I was thinking you could say you were back with your daughters father. But maybe something like 'my brothers moved in due to some issues he is having with the wife' or something. You dint 3ant to make yourself seem weak. But indicating theirs a male protector presence around can help. It's just,how to do that without giving it away that it's to protect you from him because you've found out stuff.

*dont want

• there is

Did you make a Clare’s Law application? You could ask your police force DAIU for advice if you think you are at risk of provocation in ending things. Or call Women’s Aid for advice/safety planning. Good luck.

@ Beforethetakingoftoastandtea I decided to make the request as he said he’d been a victim of DV, whilst I absolutely believe in male victims of DV, something didn’t add up.

I’d absolutely recommend that others use Clares law. I would never have guessed & I thought I had a good radar.

Well, you do have good radar! You made the request!

I'm sure once he had you properly cornered and dependent he'd have started to show his true colours. You got there at the first red flag, good for you.