New relationship, DV disclosure & how to end safely

[Glindaswand]

Hi any advice gratefully received.

I have been seeing someone since late last year and found out today that they have been significantly involved in Domestic Violence with previous partners.

I have no direct experience of this before. I want to end the relationship but safely.

This person knows where I live and work. I live alone with my child. We have been talking daily and prior to lockdown were seeing each other and were intimate.

Any lived experience or knowledge of how to do this without receiving an unpleasant response would be really helpful.

This is a new post on this account but have been on mumsnet previously whilst pregnant

Yes you are right that’s what I need to remember!!

Credit to you for enquiring OP 🌺

good luck and agree with the contacting Womens Aid advice 💕

I'm glad you have found out before things got too serious.

Can I ask what is disclosed with clares law? I'm not asking for your specific situation. Just curious if it goes into details about what kind of DV, or if it just states that there was.

You did have a good radar BTW. You used resources that were available to you after things were not adding up.

I hope you're able to break away with as little hassle as possible.

Good luck OP. I don't advise saying you are back with the baby's father. Nothing that will impact on his self esteem is likely to be safer eg you have personal issues etc, post belongings back, change locks and agree Dad is coming to visit for some made up reason....

Can you let us know what women's aid advise though?

@Glindaswand
How do you go about using Clare’s law?
How do you prove you are in the relationship and can the man find out that you’ve done that?

I've always wondered if you need their full address? (Of the guy).

Well done for being resourceful OP. As a PP has asked, what can the police advise - convictions, cautions etc? Its helpful to know

I’d absolutely recommend that others use Clares law. I would never have guessed & I thought I had a good radar.
You have excellent bullshit radar op. You knew he was lying. And what a scumbag too, pretending he was the victim.

For a PP You don’t have to still be in a relationship to do Claire’s Law, it can have ended. Also, not sure on each force, but my friend was given an awful lot of detailed information. You can also do a search online and find info on convictions as reported in newspapers. The police should be able to tell you if you need to take any further actions for your safety. If he doesn’t have a history of trying to pursue women who have ended relationships you should be ok. I am sure they would say as my friend had to take precautions. If you are unsure speak to the police again. With regards to ending things, I’d do it as vaguely but firmly and fast as you can, cutting ties as much as possible, ideally completely, but I understand it is difficult if you are frightened of him realising what you know and your sudden decision to end things. If you are worried make sure you tell someone close to you, that you can trust, without revealing details, but that you could call if you were worried. You could say you’re concerned he won’t take the relationship ending well, would they be able to pop round if he decided to call round unexpectedly - if you rang them. I’m not suggesting you’d let him in, just that you’d call the friend if he had turned up and they could visit and keep you company until you felt safe. The police suggested an injunction. Be strong and I hope it all goes well.

This happened with sister and she did a Claire’s law application and it turned out he had beat his own mother up! You just never know someone’s past do you as he was the usual charming character they portray themselves to be. I was thinking of saying you are back with your children’s father before I saw the pp suggest it but then I decided that I personally wouldn’t say anything that would make him angry (he will wonder if you was cheating on him / going behind his back) so that won’t look good I would just say it isn’t working out and it’s not him it’s you type of thing! Be prepared for him to try to change your mind, my sisters one threatened suicide

@picklemewalnuts

Well, you do have good radar! You made the request!

Good on you. Good on you. I am so so pleased you followed up.

Please keep us posted (only if you wish!) .

Speak to the police Domestic Abuse Coordinator a d make them aware you are ending the relationship due to the disclosure. Depending how you do it, have an emergency plan available in case of attack. Police forces sometimes have emergency attack alarms they can install if you feel at risk

Well done

Update:

I ended it safely. He was sad but acted appropriately.

I got help from local DV service - they were amazing. Just gave me that added confidence & tips how to. Ok to do by text, ok to tell a few untruths to make the exit.

Even though relieved, I’m still feeling incredibly sad & tearful. Grief for the person I thought he was? Total headfuck - could hear thoughts creeping in - perhaps he’s changed etc.

Anyway done now, allowing myself a week to sulk & then onwards & upwards!

Thanks for all the advice, just thought I’d update

Well done, op. You've been amazing!

Well done, OP! I admire your instinct and willingness to end it instead of thinking "maybe he'll be different with me" etc.

Well done OP

Well done, OP

It is a total headfuck, that's not unusual.

He hasn't changed, because he lied to you.

I am so, so impressed OP, very different from most of the posts on here. You have made great choices that have kept you and your child safe. I am not suprised you are a bit shaken though - sounds like a narrow escape, but you should be so proud of yourself. Well done!