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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

tell me to stop being a neurotic cow

26 replies

Shimmy21 · 27/10/2004 16:48

First time asking for real help here so be gentle!
My problem is this. Last year my dh who comes from another country and is often very homesick formed a very close internet relationship with a woman from his home town.He ended up meeting up with her and I was pretty unhappy about it because it got to the stage where he ruined a family holiday by constantly texting her all day long - massive rows happened between us. i know that nothing physical went on between them(not least because they had no opportunity) but I do feel that they were pretty much falling in love. Dh says that everything was purely platonic and he is desperate for conversation about his country's politics etc which she can provide and I cant. things died down but recently he has seen her again when visiting his sick father. (She is a doctor and he wanted her advice.) I have told dh how uncomfortable this makes me but he says I am being crazy and paranoid and denying him of a wonderful friend. (just a friend who happens to be prettier, younger, cleverer and better at his language than me!). I have to trust my dh but how the hell do i accept this and stop it eating away inside? I hate that I'm turning into a paranoid snoop

OP posts:
hercules · 27/10/2004 16:49

My dh has female friends and is quite close to them but not to this extend. I think he has taken this too far if it is upsetting you like this.

ponygirl · 27/10/2004 16:52

I don't think your paranoid. I think your fully justified to be upset, though I don't necessarily think anything's going on. I'm sure there are other ways of discussing his country's politics! He needs to understand how much this upsets and rein back. I'd be wary of demanding that he cut all contact (unless you think something is going on), but he shouldn't be letting it take over time that he should be spending with you. xxx

jolou1 · 27/10/2004 16:54

Blimey! You are NOT being irrational. If he is aware how unhappy you are about all this, he must address it. Have you asked if you can meet this woman or talk to her? If it is such a friendly relationship he should be happy for this to happen. If he wants you well away from her, I'd be very wary indeed.

Original poster
Shimmy21 · 27/10/2004 16:55

I also have to admit that I snooped and read his emails to and from her which is how I realised the extent of the intensity (from the first time I looked in your eyes I felt I'd found a soul mate etc) and she had sent some rather revealing photos of herseslf (not naked flesh just little pyjamas and pouting!). I was open to dh about what I had done and he has never forgiven me for doing this. Now if the subject ever comes up he flies into a rage about me not trusting him.

OP posts:
vict17 · 27/10/2004 16:55

You are not a neurotic cow! It is astonishing that he thinks his behaviour is acceptable.

crunchie · 27/10/2004 16:55

You are not being a neurotic cow TBH He is being a little insensitive to you. I know you have told your dh how uncomfortable this relationship makes you, but he doesn't seeem to understand. I would tell him that you do trust him, but he is just so wonderful/georgeuos/amazing how can you trust any other woman not to throw themselves at him!! Also remind him that it is because you love him so much, that is why you are jealous. Perhaps try to ask him how he would feel if you struck up a great friendship with a new man? Would he not feel slightly jealous/upset?

If he understands this it should make it easier on you. You will always be jealous, but you have to trust him. However if he is like most men just the thought of you having such a friendship will put the damper on his.

Another idea is if you could meet her (or have you already) and talk to her - woman to woman. Explain you know it is madness but you can't help but feel jealous of her relationship with your husband. If she feels that you are a friend too she will be more likely to keep it platonic too

hercules · 27/10/2004 16:56

I'd have definetely looked at emails, texts as well. How is your relationship otherwise?

Original poster
Shimmy21 · 27/10/2004 16:58

Yes Joulou he says he wants me to meet her because she is so lovely so I know i am overreacting. The whole thing has come up again because recently he met up with her without telling me he was planning to. I feel he was hiding it from me. He says he cant tell me because I make such a fuss

OP posts:
Socci · 27/10/2004 16:59

Message withdrawn

crunchie · 27/10/2004 17:01

OK reading your second post I think that she is a total b*h pouting photos are not politics!! Also who said that they have found a soulmate? Her or your dh??

Men are so easily flattered ie if a pretty women starts taking notice they find it difficult to refuse. Your Dh's defensiveness is understandable becasue he knows it is unacceptable, hence he is fighting back by accusing you of being in the wrong by snooping.

Again I would tell him to put himself in your shoes, ask him how he would feel if you had semi naked men sending you texts/emails!!

Socci · 27/10/2004 17:03

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Shimmy21 · 27/10/2004 17:03

Hercules, otherwise things are usually pretty good but he is a bit of a rollercoaster ride. he has periods of depression and the whole thing started while he was feeling depressed last summer. (he refuses to see a doctor and has never been depressed enough not to be able to keep going at work etc.) but his moods make life tricky to deal with at times.

OP posts:
jolou1 · 27/10/2004 17:04

Well I think Crunchie is right to suggest you talk to her. Just explain how you feel and appeal to her better nature. Your husband is being somewhat selfish.....talk to him calmly and try to convey just how hurt you feel. He should be confiding in you, not sharing his problems with another woman.

Original poster
Shimmy21 · 27/10/2004 17:05

Crunchie -it was dh who said soulmate to her

OP posts:
crunchie · 27/10/2004 17:05

OK He wants you to meet her, that's good. Do befriend her and that should help. I kind of understand why he went behind your back in meeting her too (to a point) as he probably thought you wouldn't find out. Think of him like a little boy he was trying to cause less stress. NOT THAT I CONDONE THIS EITHER I am simply trying to see both sides here if I can.

I think men can be really naive particulalry if a women fancies them.

crunchie · 27/10/2004 17:08

shimmy21, depression doesn't mean inability to go to work. My dh suffers and he has never missed a days work. At the moment he has just been prescribed ads for anxiety, but at work you would never know.

I would meet her, appeal to her better nature and tell him you totally understand his need to meet friends from the old country (!) Of course he won't mind you going off to see 'old friends' too will he!!

Original poster
Shimmy21 · 27/10/2004 17:15

Thanks people. It does help to know that other people would feel the same way as I do even the reading e-mails thing!

And Cruchie, did you have to try and persuade your dh to get treatment or was it down to him alone?

OP posts:
crunchie · 27/10/2004 17:21

First time it was a mixture and a huge row. We went together. He came off them after about 18 months (by himself he felt he didn't need them) However he has gone to the GP today again - I said he needed to, he agreed. He suffers from a real lack of self confidence which manifests itself in feelings of depression. Also his anxiety is such that if things bugger up his plans he goes off on one and wants to kill himself?? This can be as simple as me being late out of work and him having to wait 10 mins!! We do muddle through usually but it was getting ridiculous and v stressful, so he decided for all of our sakes he needed to go back on ads

ripley · 27/10/2004 17:21

I think I would confront her myself and ask her what the hell is she doing flirting with a married man and doesn't she feel any guilt. Sure you might anger your dh but maybe it will also drive home how upset you are about the situation. TBH it sounds like they are having an emotional affair, and if he's talking about soulmates then he is way overstepping the line. It could be understandable if he was honest and up-front with you but he hasn't and it does sound that it could easily step into a physical relationship. Tell him that if he misses his country so much and feels like he's soulmates with somebody else why on earth did he get married to you? Even though he's suggesting that you meet her, the mere fact that he said that they are soulmates would be enough for me to demand for an end to it because it is just dangerous territory (sp?). Hope you can work it out.

Caligula · 27/10/2004 17:22

Why don't you ask him to take some photos of you pouting in your pyjamas, so that you can send them to a male friend of yours, whose politics you find absorbing? I think your DH might understand your concern if you put it in those terms.

No way are you being paranoid. I'd have hacked into his computer by now!

The soulmate thing is particularly worrying. It excludes you from his soul. Unnerving in my view, and I think you're right to be worried.

JoolsToo · 27/10/2004 17:23

stop being a neurotic cow (only joking !)

Original poster
Shimmy21 · 27/10/2004 17:24

Oh Crunchie thanks for talking about this when its obviously avery current issue for you. Parts of what you say really ring bells butmy dh's reaction to the little things is furious rages (never violent but scary and irrational) plus he has recently admitted the suicidal thoughts too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shimmy21 · 27/10/2004 17:30

LOL Joolstoo!!

And Caligula thanks for the computer hacking comment!!

TBH I think that the soulmate 'phase' is genuinely over. I think it had the potential to be an affair at one point last year but my reaction did make dh cool things with internetgirl and step back from it. Now I am prepared to believe that it is a friendship (the obsessive texting has stopped for example) but I have to find a way odf coming to terms with it.

OP posts:
moomina · 27/10/2004 17:31

Yeesh. Sorry to be negative but I don't think that sounds good at all. I would be very unhappy indeed if my dh was doing that and don't think you are neurotic. A close friendship is one thing (although if it didn't exist before he met you it would still concern me) but all this talk of soulmates and photos etc... Actually the soulmates thing would worry me more than the undie-shots. Fancying someone is one thing, talking about looking into each other's eyes etc is quite another.

I think you ahve to make it very clear to him how much this is upsetting you. Try not to get angry because then he will simply throw the jealousy thing back at you, but just tell him quietly and calmly that you feel he has gone overboard and how would he like it if you did similar etc etc. Sorry to be such a gloom-merchant but it is rather OTT, imo.

moomina · 27/10/2004 17:32

Ooops sorry - posts crossed! Feel free to completely ignore my previous post!

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