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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sexomnia HELP

47 replies

sezbear33 · 02/02/2021 12:51

My husband and I have been together 10 year married 6. He has always talked in his sleep sometimes gibberish sometimes sexual and sometimes other women names which has caused arguments over the last 3 years he has started to touch me in a sexual way whilst im asleep I push him off and and he wakes up wondering what's going off. Lately it has started getting more forceful and more sexual I have even bought a sleep app to record him because he didn't believe me.

OP posts:

NoImagination90210 · 02/02/2021 12:52

Sleep elsewhere?

Original poster

sezbear33 · 02/02/2021 12:57

we have considered this but is it really worth Saving the relationship if we cannot even share a bed

OP posts:

titchy · 02/02/2021 13:01

@sezbear33

we have considered this but is it really worth Saving the relationship if we cannot even share a bed

Well if the seximnia is genuine, he is remorseful and seeking help to treat, and the relationship is otherwise a positive respectful one then yes, plenty of people don't share rooms with their spouse so shouldn't be a problem.

However it sounds like he isn't at all remorseful and that there are other issues (abuse?) so no. If you're not happy split up.

NoImagination90210 · 02/02/2021 13:05

Sharing a bed isn’t the be allowed and end all. My husband and I sleep apart a few nights a week because i am a light sleeper and he snores. It helps our relationship.

LittleBoPeep95 · 02/02/2021 13:05

we have considered this but is it really worth Saving the relationship if we cannot even share a bed

There is nothing wrong with not sharing a bed. Many people sleep in separate rooms due to snoring etc, it's very possible to sleep in different rooms but still have a loving relationship.

Ohalrightthen · 02/02/2021 13:05

Bet you £10 he isn't actually asleep when he starts grabbing you.

OP, i think for your own safety you need to at the very least sleep elsewhere

username4214 · 02/02/2021 13:08

He's trying to sexually assault you in your sleep. Kick him in the follicle everything he tries. It's a known cure.

username4214 · 02/02/2021 13:08

Ffs bollocks. Autocorrect

Original poster

sezbear33 · 02/02/2021 13:16

I have thought at times he's awake but he really does seem to have no idea the next morning and when it has been sexual and forceful he is upset and really sorry im really struggling with what to do or think ive Read so many stories of it

OP posts:

username4214 · 02/02/2021 13:19

He's not asleep and he's escalating which could lead to rape. It's very common. Get in contact with a DV org to confirm and discuss your relationship, as he'll be abusive in other ways.

SweatyBetty20 · 02/02/2021 13:51

That's not helpful @username4214. You have no idea what goes on in their relationship from three posts - stop trolling.

sammylady37 · 02/02/2021 13:54

@username4214

He's not asleep and he's escalating which could lead to rape. It's very common. Get in contact with a DV org to confirm and discuss your relationship, as he'll be abusive in other ways.

This isn’t the creative writing section so stop making stuff up. You don’t know that he is awake when doing it and also abusive in other ways.

Silenceisgolden20 · 02/02/2021 13:54

@Ohalrightthen

Bet you £10 he isn't actually asleep when he starts grabbing you.

OP, i think for your own safety you need to at the very least sleep elsewhere

I'd bet 10 times that. Has he seen the doctor about it?

Silenceisgolden20 · 02/02/2021 13:56

But it is very common in abusive relationships.
I think posters are allowed to tell the OP that.
How are other things in the relationship with you OP ?

GoodbyeH · 02/02/2021 13:57

@username4214

He's not asleep and he's escalating which could lead to rape. It's very common. Get in contact with a DV org to confirm and discuss your relationship, as he'll be abusive in other ways.

Remember there is a real person at the other end of your post.

You can not say he is not asleep. Unless you are actually there. Don't say silly things.

GoodbyeH · 02/02/2021 13:59

OP. All you can do is get him to the doctors and take it from there. Sleep in another room for now if you are scared of it happening again. There is no other solution. He needs help. Good luck.

TheSpottedZebra · 02/02/2021 14:00

Surely if someone was truly upset and sorry for the sleep sex, they'd do something about it -sleeping elsewhere as a bare minimum?

username4214 · 02/02/2021 14:01

It's common in abusive relationships and the situation is escalating ie getting more aggressive. perhaps those telling me In being 'silly' want to research for themselves. In the meantime, when the OP has been seriously sexually assaulted, you can tell her it wasn't his fault.

ButterflyBitch · 02/02/2021 14:02

Yes if he’s that remorseful and wants to stop then he won’t mind moving into another room and seeing his GP to find an answer to it. I’d suggest that first.

Original poster

sezbear33 · 02/02/2021 14:11

He has offered to go to the doctors but looking at treatment online its practically just a sedative if they can prove it. it only happens every now and then not a constant thing (the sexual part) I came in here for advise which I see most of you are giving me which im grateful for, but the issues of he's not asleep and he's just abusing me ive been there already had them thoughts

OP posts:

Original poster

sezbear33 · 02/02/2021 14:11

thank you

OP posts:

Silenceisgolden20 · 02/02/2021 14:14

What were your thoughts OP? How are you feeling about it?

titchy · 02/02/2021 14:18

If you have a feeling you're being abused then listen to that feeling very very carefully. Very few women get that feeling without good reason.

Original poster

sezbear33 · 02/02/2021 14:21

Im scared in a way when he does it its not like him the way he speaks the things he says the look in his eyes are all different to the actual person I live with. Yes I know it must be hard for him to deal with and hard for people to understand believe me for so long ive argued and said he's awake but I honestly don't think he is. Maybe a sedative would help but is that going to affect his job plus its something you have to take each day even when sometimes it can go a couple of months and not happen. It scares me of how far it could go im just feeling a little lost I suppose

OP posts:

YoniAndGuy · 02/02/2021 14:23

If he was upset and sorry, he would be voluntarily already sleeping elsewhere, as he would be horrified that he might actually assault his wife while asleep.

But - he's not sorry, is he? He's already accused you of lying about it to the extent you've had to download an app to prove it.

I'm not at all sure he's asleep either, but if he is, and he is a good man - you really don't have a problem because, like I said - a good man would already be sleeping elsewhere.

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