Sexomnia HELP

[sezbear33]

My husband and I have been together 10 year married 6. He has always talked in his sleep sometimes gibberish sometimes sexual and sometimes other women names which has caused arguments over the last 3 years he has started to touch me in a sexual way whilst im asleep I push him off and and he wakes up wondering what's going off. Lately it has started getting more forceful and more sexual I have even bought a sleep app to record him because he didn't believe me.

Yeah, why has he not offered to sleep separately if he knows this is upsetting you. You told him about the nocturnal groping and his reaction was to not believe you? When you say not much point in a relationship if you can't share a bed - is that his opinion?

The look in his eyes will be the fact that he is actually asleep, so it will be a distant look I'm guessing? Like he's not really there? DH and DCs sometimes sleep with there eyes open. It's like they are looking right through you. It's scary.

It sounds awful OP. But the sedative might work. Why not get him to try it for 1 month, along with some talking therapy?

Has he got anything on his mind? This may trigger it. Restless when sleeping. Brain working over time!

If he cared about you, he would be willing to try anything to help.
I hear you're scared. That's understandable

Is there anything else going on that would cause you to split up? You've made it seem as though trialling sleeping apart would push your relationship over the edge?

I'd definitely push for him to speak to the GP- especially at the moment when it'll be easier for him to talk about the issue over the phone, rather than face to face. A sleeping pill might help? I agree with others that if he's stressed or isn't relaxing properly his mind is working overtime.

BF went through a phase of sleeptalking very loudly and quite aggressively when he was grieving the death of his brother and he had his eyes open the whole time he was mumble yelling, it was terrifying. Some sleeping tablets and speaking to a grief therapist really helped.

Sexomnia is a thing and you know this when it happens because it's obvious they aren't awake.

I don't think it's fair to start saying he's lying and he's a rapist if you have no idea what you're talking about.

Look it up. It's a thing!

OP - my partner experiences this, particularly when he's stressed. It comes out in lots of different ways - sometimes he'll try to initiate sex, sometimes he'll just be super cuddly and say affectionate things. I always think he's awake at first, because i'm half asleep, but i then realise that he's behaving differently to when he's awake.

I think what I will say, is that my experience has been different to you in that:

• He's never forced it. There were a few times very early on where I didn't realise he was asleep and went along with it, and then mentioned it in the morning and he had no idea. Since then, i generally don't engage, and if i roll him off me, he'll stop and go back to sleep. I'm not sure how I'd feel if he pushed it further and I didn't want him to. BUT
• It really freaks him out. The idea that he 'might' push it too far really upset him, and that's very important to me. The fact that he is upset, and did seek some therapy. The therapy didn't really help, beyond helping him not feel super-guilty about it, because there doesn't seem to be a psychosomatic cause particularly, but we worked out some other things.
• These have been:

1. sleeping with clothes on. It seems to trigger his 'sexy brain' less.
2. when he's feeling very stressed or tired (it happens particularly when he sleeps very deeply) he pre-emptively sleeps in another room.
3. In some ways I think maybe the therapy has helped with his subconscious. It sounds mad, but I think by accepting that it's not his 'fault', he's more able to be pushed away when he's asleep. He doesn't resist it...does that make sense? I think it helps that he is a lovely human, and it really, really worried him that he might do something awful in his sleep, and I always feel like that person is there, somewhere, when he's asleep.

Sleeping in separate rooms occasionally isn't the end of the world, and my partner took this very seriously. And it means i get the bed to myself sometimes, which i am not complaining about, because he can be a right wriggler :D

I had something similar to this. Didnt know it had a specific name. I found it mostly would happen if it had been a while since we had done anything sexual. I would wake up with my partner angry and I would be very confused. Never got to a stage where it was more than my partner thinking I was just trying it on in the middle of the night. He is probably denying it because it is really confusing and disorienting. A bit crude, but tell your partner to masterbate before bed, worked for me.

@wishfuldreamer

OP - my partner experiences this, particularly when he's stressed. It comes out in lots of different ways - sometimes he'll try to initiate sex, sometimes he'll just be super cuddly and say affectionate things. I always think he's awake at first, because i'm half asleep, but i then realise that he's behaving differently to when he's awake.

I think what I will say, is that my experience has been different to you in that:

• He's never forced it. There were a few times very early on where I didn't realise he was asleep and went along with it, and then mentioned it in the morning and he had no idea. Since then, i generally don't engage, and if i roll him off me, he'll stop and go back to sleep. I'm not sure how I'd feel if he pushed it further and I didn't want him to. BUT
• It really freaks him out. The idea that he 'might' push it too far really upset him, and that's very important to me. The fact that he is upset, and did seek some therapy. The therapy didn't really help, beyond helping him not feel super-guilty about it, because there doesn't seem to be a psychosomatic cause particularly, but we worked out some other things.
• These have been:

1. sleeping with clothes on. It seems to trigger his 'sexy brain' less.
2. when he's feeling very stressed or tired (it happens particularly when he sleeps very deeply) he pre-emptively sleeps in another room.
3. In some ways I think maybe the therapy has helped with his subconscious. It sounds mad, but I think by accepting that it's not his 'fault', he's more able to be pushed away when he's asleep. He doesn't resist it...does that make sense? I think it helps that he is a lovely human, and it really, really worried him that he might do something awful in his sleep, and I always feel like that person is there, somewhere, when he's asleep.

Sleeping in separate rooms occasionally isn't the end of the world, and my partner took this very seriously. And it means i get the bed to myself sometimes, which i am not complaining about, because he can be a right wriggler :D

how do you deal with it on a morning? do you not mention it or do you tell him, because im so confused and probably very tired I end up making a massive thing out of it, I don't know how I should be dealing with it. Its hard because most people will just say he knows and its abuse but...........

@Polaris92

I had something similar to this. Didnt know it had a specific name. I found it mostly would happen if it had been a while since we had done anything sexual. I would wake up with my partner angry and I would be very confused. Never got to a stage where it was more than my partner thinking I was just trying it on in the middle of the night. He is probably denying it because it is really confusing and disorienting. A bit crude, but tell your partner to masterbate before bed, worked for me.

Could you remember in a morning what you had done? he does look at me confused when I tell him and he seems to really have no idea. It seems to be more when he's been stressed or really tired

No. I might have a vague memory of being woken up but no, never realised I was doing it. There was once where I remembered being half asleep and dreamily touching my partners bottom, but she told me to back off and its like I snapped out of it and was like "oh shit I was actually groping her".

But then, this has only happened to me a few times, it's certainly not anything that has caused my partner to worry like you are, and it's usually laughed off in the morning by both of us. Obviously, if it was every night and I was talking and being forceful I think it would be a different matter entirely.

People can and do do some really strange things in their sleep. My son used to get out of bed and scream and cry and be hysterical but we found out he was having night terrors which was super sad. If he hasnt given you reason to believe he is abusive during your day to day life then I seriously doubt that he is doing anything on purpose and quite frankly the comments assuming that he is says more about those people and how they think than how your relationship actually is. Anyone would find it hard to believe about themselves if they were told they were doing that. Some people wont even accept they snore! So I think a little denial is a natural response. I know alot of weird sleep behaviour stems from stress. Maybe try and resolve any mental issues and see if it affects his sleep stuff.

@Polaris92

No. I might have a vague memory of being woken up but no, never realised I was doing it. There was once where I remembered being half asleep and dreamily touching my partners bottom, but she told me to back off and its like I snapped out of it and was like "oh shit I was actually groping her".

But then, this has only happened to me a few times, it's certainly not anything that has caused my partner to worry like you are, and it's usually laughed off in the morning by both of us. Obviously, if it was every night and I was talking and being forceful I think it would be a different matter entirely.

People can and do do some really strange things in their sleep. My son used to get out of bed and scream and cry and be hysterical but we found out he was having night terrors which was super sad. If he hasnt given you reason to believe he is abusive during your day to day life then I seriously doubt that he is doing anything on purpose and quite frankly the comments assuming that he is says more about those people and how they think than how your relationship actually is. Anyone would find it hard to believe about themselves if they were told they were doing that. Some people wont even accept they snore! So I think a little denial is a natural response. I know alot of weird sleep behaviour stems from stress. Maybe try and resolve any mental issues and see if it affects his sleep stuff.

Thank you for your advise it help me understand a little better

Definately sleep separately from now on. Plenty of couples do this anyway because of snoring or needing different settings (tv noise ect) to sleep or just liking to have a bad to themself.

If he goes to far one night then you'll never be able to forgive him, whether it was sexomnia or not. Dont put yourself at risk. Always sleep separately from now on.

@Ohalrightthen

Bet you £10 he isn't actually asleep when he starts grabbing you.

OP, i think for your own safety you need to at the very least sleep elsewhere

100%

While you're processing whether it's genuine sexsomnia or something else, you need to protect yourself and sleep elsewhere.

Sleeping separately does not mean the end of the marriage, you can maintain an intimate and sexual relationship by slipping into bed with each other in the morning or going to separate beds after sex/cuddles at night and just be creative outside the bedroom as well.

But if this goes on with you taking your chances with him in bed, you might get hurt and there'll be no coming back from that. Protect yourself.

@username4214

He's not asleep and he's escalating which could lead to rape. It's very common. Get in contact with a DV org to confirm and discuss your relationship, as he'll be abusive in other ways.

Ignore all messages from this person especially If things are otherwise good in your relationship.

She's clearly a man hater.

Perhaps start by sleeping separately for a few weeks. It doesn't have to be permanent.

Thank you the relationship is otherwise good he has offered to sleep in another room it’s more me that then worries we would lose part of the relationship by doing so

You can always pop in and see him for a cuddle first thing every morning. Bring him some breaky ect...

Sleeping apart doesnt need to rob you of intimacy.

You'll lose more if his forcefulness continues.

I agree with @category12 - I think that you describe him as 'forceful' is what worries me. My partner has never been forceful - he's easily dissuaded from continuing. I think i would be much more scared if he was forceful with me.

In terms of how we handle it in the morning...usually, because it's not forceful, and not a traumatic experience for me as a result, I usually ask him how he's feeling in terms of stress etc, and he'll say 'oh god, was I doing it again?' usually followed by 'I'm god, i'm so sorry, was it bad?'. I'll usually reassure him that it wasn't (because it isn't, generally), but that we should think about sleeping separately for a bit (we don't live together, so that's not that difficult), or talking about what's on his mind. I should emphasise as well, that this doesn't happen all the time with him. he'll go through phases of it, maybe a couple of times a year.

The other thing I should mention, is it can be worse if the person drinks heavily or takes any drugs. i guess they interfere with the brain patterns?

Just to add, I sleep separately from my partner because I snore - he doesn’t and he’s a light sleeper. Hasn’t affected our relationship negatively - we start off together then one of us slips off to another room, and then the first one up comes in for a cuddle in the morning. Works for us.

I've always wondered about this when you have a sexy dream and apparently acting out in your sleep is very rare. I've never done it personally but did read up on it before co sleeping with LO incase you can lash out in bad dreams etc but the research showed its really rare and you would only do it if you had a sleep disorder. Please ask him to speak to his GP

I think it's a concern that you expressed to him that it was upsetting you and he didn't believe you. That's disrespect and minimisation of your feelings, right there.