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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I forced him to hate me

27 replies

Slowlygoingcrazy88 · 01/02/2021 23:35

He left me last year after 9yrs together. Far from perfect relationship admittedly and I stayed through his many mistakes in hinds sight I should have left. I asked if he still wanted me he was being cold towards me I think I was really looking for reassurance it didn't go well and he broke up with me. I thought we would work it out we were still sleeping together etc but turns out he has been talking to/seeing someone else. I messaged her and told her we were sleeping together it was extremely wrong and stupid but I was so angry. He now hates me never wants to speak to me again. We only have one son so will be hard to have NC but I am so disappointed with myself that I let this get to me so bad and now he truly hates me completely.

I think I just need someone to tell me I was wrong and what's done is done now I am angry with myself and beating myself up. I feel like a crazy woman, like he's made me crazy. Am I that crazy ex? There's no excuse for what I done at all. I'm so disappointed with myself I just want to curl up in a ball and die...

OP posts:

LouiseTrees · 01/02/2021 23:38

Or alternatively he knew you still had an emotional connection but decided to have sex with two women and not tell either. He’s in the wrong here.

Jesskir89 · 01/02/2021 23:40

Fuck him i would have done the same thing op. He wanted his cake and eat it

2021Sunshine · 01/02/2021 23:43

I’d have done the same tbh!

Bluntness100 · 01/02/2021 23:46

If he genuinely was sleeping with you both at the same time then you’ve done nothing wrong, he was the one in the wrong. But this was always going to be the outcome, he was never going to thank you for it.

When the fire comes out of it, the pair of you will need to work out how to share custody and co parent with minimal contact but doing it in a healthy way for your child.

Original poster

Slowlygoingcrazy88 · 02/02/2021 00:02

I was just sooo angry I know it was wrong I dare say she knew nothing and she wasn't happy being told/dragged into the 'baby mama drama' but ffs I'm so extremely disappointed with myself 😞😥 I know I'm better than this than him but I couldn't contain my rage

OP posts:

Jesskir89 · 02/02/2021 00:13

Op youve done nothing wrong other than allow him to treat you like shit. Years ago I split up with and ex and his new gf started messaging me so I stirred the pot saying he rings me all the time. This wasn't true but I was so annoyed at her messaging and asking me I just played along to annoy her back. People do things when they're upset nit at least you told the truth! Forgive me i was only 20

floppybit · 02/02/2021 00:16

Good god you've done absolutely nothing wrong!!!!!

Sssloou · 02/02/2021 00:21

You told the truth. Maybe she had a right to know and is grateful to you. Are they still together?

Do you only regret telling her because he didn’t drop her and come back to you?

Onthedunes · 02/02/2021 01:24

God, he's really worked a number on you if you think you are in the wrong.
Poor him you got in the way of his dating schedule.

He engineered everthing to become single for this ow.
Let him hate you.
Hate him back.

Please don't waste anymore time beating yourself up he's a git.

user1481840227 · 02/02/2021 01:27

You have done nothing wrong!

This is not baby momma drama!
You were together for 9 years, had a family unit and he was still sleeping with you after apparently ending it.
If him or her think of that as baby momma drama then there's a hell of a lot of mental gymnastics going on.

Many women would want to know if the new guy they were seeing were doing that.

If he hates you for that then that is only a reflection on him and how much of an asshole he is.

Hopefully this is your rock bottom and you can start to see him for what he is in future and start to build up your own self confidence and self esteem again

LizFlowers · 02/02/2021 05:24

@Slowlygoingcrazy88

I don't understand why you think you did anything wrong! You were sleeping with him, he is your husband and is the one who cheated. You have every right to be enraged and she had every right to know the truth! Truth hurts sometimes but at least now she knows what he is like, no doubt he spun her a yarn.

I really hope things work out for you in the future. You know in your heart you're better off without a husband like that but these things are never easy.

2ndtimemum2 · 02/02/2021 06:22

Hi op i did actually do the exact same thing as you and text the other girl to let her know I was pregnant and she was the ow!! I don't regret it one bit! He has worn you down so much that you question yourself and you behaviours...he has molded you into an obedient little girlfriend and now that you've done something he doesn't approve of he feels like he's losing control so he's trying to manipulate you back into obedience

Think logically what exactly did you do that was so wrong? Put the shoe on the other foot...if the other girl had text you to tell you that she was sleeping with your sons father would you think she was in the wrong? Your ex is a horrible controlling manipulating dick who is using the silent treatment to punish you for his behaviours

What your ex is doing to you is known as gas lighting...hes deflecting his bad behaviour onto you to make you feel like you've done something wrong . If you google cheater and gaslighting the below comes up.

"The (typically unconscious) goal of gaslighting is to get away with bad behavior. Cheaters gaslight because they dont want their spouse to know what they are doing, or to try and stop it. ... Basically, the cheater wants the betrayed partner question her (or his) perception of reality and to accept blame for any problems." Does this sound familiar!?

This behaviour is a very common narcissistic trait although I'm not a psychologist so I'm not going to try diagnose your ex. if you look back on your relationship you will see so many flags, use of the silent treatment to cause you anxiety...little comments that make you think your not good enough so you'd try harder, having to apologise or tip toe around him for his irrational behaviour.

You NEED counselling to help you over come this. I promise you it does get better I'm a year on from my ex and I don't regret walking away and we share a child too. Sending

Marley20 · 02/02/2021 07:02

Good grief you have done nothing wrong. He's a lying, cheating toe-rag. All you did was tell the truth to someone who probably needs to hear it. Hopefully you've saved some other woman from putting up with this moron. Listen to what 2ndtimemum2 said, I was trying to think of a way to put this but she's summed it up perfectly. xx

Original poster

Slowlygoingcrazy88 · 02/02/2021 07:15

I don't know why I think I done something wrong I didn't even expect him to come back to me I was just so angry that I was just left like this. I think I understand how I done nothing wrong but I literally feel like a crazy person like so stupid. I know he will tell his whole family and they will obviously side with him and hate me too I just hate that I let it cause me so much pain and now inevitably cause even more issues and drama. I think subconsciously I wanted him to hate me to make it easier for me to move on (not in a dating way) but to accept that what we had was over. I honestly feel so stupid I'm 30yrs old why am I behaving this way 😔. But it's done now. I just hate that I've turned into this person I hate who I have become.

OP posts:

category12 · 02/02/2021 07:28

Well, that was yesterday, today is a new day. (You were upset, you were justified, you were doing the woman a favour. If she continues with him now, she's a mug.) He's a shit and you need to learn to stop caring about what he or his family say.

Today is a new day, today you can choose differently and you can start working through your pain and hurt, and you can start working on what you do next.

updownroundandround · 02/02/2021 07:30

@Slowlygoingcrazy88

FFS, get a grip of yourself !

You have done NOTHING fucking WRONG !!

Stop 'beating yourself up' just because you are HUMAN and HAVE EMOTIONS !

HE is the only person in this toxic bloody situation who has done anything wrong !

He was never going to love you as you love him, not ever.

Therefore you have lost nothing, but you have gained some self respect by refusing to be treated so badly.

wishywashywoowoo70 · 02/02/2021 07:32

You haven't done anything wrong. You've done her a favour if anything. Good for you I say.
He's not worth your emotions.

Anniegetyourgun · 02/02/2021 08:17

I would say, if you'd come on here before you sent the message you would have received mixed advice, but the majority would have said don't send it - not because it's bad and wrong but because the fallout on you would not be worth it. It would only have been a bad act if it had not been true. I think why you're so angry with yourself now is that you know you told the other woman for the wrong reasons, i.e. rage at his behaviour. Some would say she needed to know; whether she believes or acts on the information is now a matter of choice rather than ignorance. As for your ex, he's only furious because he's been found out treating two women like dirt. If he doesn't like it, tough!

Summary as I see it is this:

What you did was not, in itself, a bad thing.
He has done you a big, fat favour by leaving you, however upsetting it was at the time.
Yes, you acted in a way you wish you hadn't, but you are only human. You are allowed not to be perfect.

LizFlowers · 02/02/2021 08:45

You did nothing wrong, you understand that you did nothing wrong.

His family aren't going to hate you. For what? For being mad because he has been having an affair with someone else? Of course they won't and I'd be very surprised if he volunteers that information in a hurry.

unicornsarereal72 · 02/02/2021 08:56

You have done her a favour. Although he will of told her you are the bitter ex causing problems.

I know how very hard it is to not have contact and breaking the habit. For your own sanity you need to stop engaging. If you want to write something do it in draft do not send it.

I started to not respond instantly other than times etc about the kids. As it would be full of emotion. Once you get into the habit it get easier.

Gather some real life support around you. Counselling gave me a safe place to vent. And reflect. And know you deserve so much better

Dery · 02/02/2021 09:00

Hi OP - as PP have said: you have done nothing wrong - in fact, you've done the other woman a favour - but you've stirred up trouble for yourself that might otherwise have been avoided. So on balance, people might have advised against doing what you did if you'd asked in advance. But it's done.

We've all done things we regret - it's part of life. I find that one of the best things to do when in a painful and/or difficult situation like this is to look for the lesson. Make the situation work for you. Ask yourself what you can learn from this. Take advantage of the position you're in to do some serious life-learning. IME the most painful lessons usually turn out to be the most useful. It also helps take some of the sting out of the situation. But chiefly it adds to your pool of life experience in a very useful and effective way.

SmeleanorSmellstrop · 02/02/2021 09:42

I mean this in the nicest way possible - get a grip!!! You can't be seriously thinking you're in the wrong here? Because you didn't behave like an absolute doormat and you did what literally any self respecting woman would have done in your situation? He sounds like an absolute shit and you did nothing wrong? There must be more to this to explain your reaction. Was he abusive? Your reaction is very unusual?

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2021 09:56

I think the issue the op has is she did it out of anger, spite and jealousy. It wasn’t a case she looked at it rationally and felt his new girlfriend should know.

Did she do the wrong thing, well there are two ways of looking at it. On one hand, his girlfriend should know he was cheating on her, on the other hand this was always going to have a terrible impact on her personally, an impact she does not want.

In reality he will have told the new girlfriend the op is bitter, lying and jealous, trying to split them up. And likely she will believe him, because it’s plausible when she doesn’t know the op.

However it’s done now. So they just need to let the heat go out of it and then try to co parent at a distance and keep it cordial.

Seatime · 02/02/2021 10:23

He has brainwashed you. You have not done anything wrong. Contact Women's Aid to get some perspective. Talk to friends and family about it, to see what's actually real. He has abused you and you did not deserve that.

MaMaD1990 · 02/02/2021 10:27

Or maybe he shouldn't be snagging you behind this new woman's back...he should take responsibility for his actions, but sending the message was a bit silly. Its done now though so hopefully he'll get over it and things can be amicable for sake of your child.

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