Please help - I just don’t know what to do

[Cottonwood12]

DH just keeps exploding at me and I can’t take it anymore. He’s been doing it for years. Everything will be fine, I’ll say something innocuous about it being bin day the next day or about an arrangement and he’ll scream at me and tell me to fuck off. He’ll shout BYE and tell me to get out the room. There’s no build up he just turns on me and I can’t cope with it. I’m scared to raise anything with him . Even commenting on the colour of the sky could be a trigger. I feel this feeling of utter misery in the pit of my stomach. I’m so lonely, so desperately lonely and without any love or care. I’ve grown used to it but tonight I’ve just hit a brick wall and can’t carry on. Ironically I’ve always struggled with shouting and upset and I’ve ended up living with and married an ogre.

Bumping in the hope of some help

That is no way to live. No one should live with such predictability and stress Why do you tolerate it?

Unpredictability!

Thanks Mad. I feel trapped by geography, finances, kids. It all feels so insurmountable

Why do you tolerate it?

I hope you meant this kindly to 'shock' the OP and not to imply it was her fault for tolerating it.

OP are you safe? Do you have children? Are you married (assuming DH means you are)?

Just saw kids. How old? Do you want them to grow up and expect your life from a relationship? What would you tell them?

Do you have support from family or friends?

Keep copies of paperwork re bank accounts, finances, passports etc. Get a secret cloud storage account to save them all to.

It's not insurmountable, but it might need to be unpicked piece by piece.

Find somewhere to live and have a budget for finances. The rest is almost trivia.

Do you work? Have you looked at entitledto?

Women's Aid might be able to help with making a plan to leave if you're able to contact them.

It's sad that you're used to this. I hope you are able to leave, and soon.

I didn’t want to read and run. This is abuse. I have no personal experience of it and I’m not the person to give you advice, but there are threads on here about this, and people who are much more informed that can help you who will respond, I hope. Look out for yourself OP.

I know it’s so annoying to hear but I feel like my strength is just seeping away. I’ve hardly got the energy to engage with anyone because it requires so much pretence. I’m so ashamed to tell friends and family. I told them about five years ago when things weren’t good but I decided to stay to try to make the best of it. I’m not sure they’ll appreciate being leant on again. Kids are sheltered from a lot. They see bits. They always say they want us to stay together. I just don’t know if I can do this anymore

Sounds like you know you need to leave, which is a good start. You deserve to be happy and you can't be happy with someone who "keeps exploding at you". Time to make a plan to leave. Can you ask family to help? As pp have said, get your ducks in a row: get copies of all important paperwork, especially proof of "D"H's earnings. Get good legal advice-You may find you're financially better off divorced!

Kids are sheltered from a lot. They see bits.

They will see and hear far more than you think.

They always say they want us to stay together.

How is that coming up in conversation?

You really need to protect them from this by getting away from him.

Your children aren't old enough to make the decision, they can't see or comprehend the long term consequences. They just see immediate change and disruption to the norm and say no.

Don't be ashamed. Talk to your friends and family. If you were my friend I would move heaven and earth to help you. You don't have to leave immediately. You have time to get a plan together. Better to say you are ready to leave now and do it, than spend more years in such a nasty environment.

Unless your family are useless, they are likely to want to help. You tried to make your marriage work, there's no shame in that, but now you know you can't change your DH, you need to look after yourself and your DC. Do you really think your family wouldn't WANT to help you?

Thank you all so much. Am reading and taking everything on board.

Conversation re separation comes up becythey have friends whose parents have split up. They are all teenagers

Whether you leave or not is nothing to do with them. You need to make sure it is literally not even partly their decision. You can’t put that responsibility or guilt on them. Be really, really careful in that respect.

If you think teenagers aren’t seeing everything that’s going on, you’re kidding yourself.

Children are scared of change and loss. Children in an abusive, unpredictable, unstable home are even more scared. The abusive environment makes them fearful.

You fell into the sunk costs trap of trying to stay and make it work, wanting to get back the man who'd loved you. Children in an abusive home do something similar in that they will be afraid of you leaving him because it denies them the opportunity to be good enough and loveable enough for him to finally stop terrorising you all.

It's your responsibility as the adult to act in their best interests. That means removing them from the abuse and clearly communicating that their dad's behaviour is not acceptable and not their fault or your fault.

It is impossible for a child to live in an abusive home and be sheltered from it. You're telling yourself that they're sheltered to protect yourself. I'm afraid it's not true. There's plenty of evidence on this.

Please don't use your children as an excuse to stay. They won't thank you when they're traumatised adults.

Your strength will only continue to diminish if you stay in this burning building. Even small steps can get you out of it.

Life can get better for you.

@PurpleDaisies

Whether you leave or not is nothing to do with them. You need to make sure it is literally not even partly their decision. You can’t put that responsibility or guilt on them. Be really, really careful in that respect.

If you think teenagers aren’t seeing everything that’s going on, you’re kidding yourself.

Agree.

Oh dear. I’ve messed up big time. I’ve honestly tried so hard to be a good mum but I’ve clearly failed in the most important way. I hope it’s not too late

This isn’t your fault. It’s him.

Don’t get hung up on what’s happened. Focus on what’s next.

Someone asked re family. Unfortunately both my parents are not in a place physically or emotionally to provide support. Siblings are very much of the “ turn a blind eye” variety. I have one relative I’m very close to but she has a large family herself. I just hate being a pain to people. I have utterly awful in laws. Controlling and spiteful. No doubt they will come in for the kill if I try to leave him

Siblings are very much of the “ turn a blind eye” variety

But if you were really open about what’s been going on, couldn’t one hell you out?

It's never too late to do the right thing OP . Speak to Women's Aid or even your GP - they can help. Don't kick yourself when you are already down. You can do this, just one step at a time.

They live in a different country but are also quite selfish. I could try and ask but I would be very surprised to get any support. I think I have to brace myself to do this on my own. There’s no doubt in my mind if I had a supportive and cohesive family of my own ( parents etc) I’d have left before now. I’ve always known there’s no soft landing place though so have been terrified to jump.

You're not going to try to leave him. You're going to make a plan and then leave him. Right?

We all make mistakes, what counts is how we learn from them and what we do next.

Don't waste your precious energy worrying about what your in laws might do in the future, use it to plan what you're going to do in the present.

Have you looked at rental properties?

Lots of us have made that leap without a family to catch us. It's survivable.

Women's Aid. Refuge. Freedom Programme. GP. IAPT. Local council. Local charities. Local women's centre. CAB. Police. IDVA.

There are lots of people who can and will provide support to you.