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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help - I just don’t know what to do

38 replies

Cottonwood12 · 01/02/2021 21:11

DH just keeps exploding at me and I can’t take it anymore. He’s been doing it for years. Everything will be fine, I’ll say something innocuous about it being bin day the next day or about an arrangement and he’ll scream at me and tell me to fuck off. He’ll shout BYE and tell me to get out the room. There’s no build up he just turns on me and I can’t cope with it. I’m scared to raise anything with him . Even commenting on the colour of the sky could be a trigger. I feel this feeling of utter misery in the pit of my stomach. I’m so lonely, so desperately lonely and without any love or care. I’ve grown used to it but tonight I’ve just hit a brick wall and can’t carry on. Ironically I’ve always struggled with shouting and upset and I’ve ended up living with and married an ogre.

OP posts:

Madlollyoftheshire · 01/02/2021 22:22

The family member you are close to will want to help, I am sure, even if its just being a sounding board. NO One who truly cares about you will want you to stay in an unhappy marriage, and neither would they want you to not ask them for help. Real life help is usually better than the online sort, but there is generally great supporting and advice on MN, especially from those who have experienced similar. Time to galvanise yourself into action for a better future for you and your dc. You can do it!

Original poster

Cottonwood12 · 01/02/2021 22:22

Thanks Starch I will make a start in the morning

OP posts:

Original poster

Cottonwood12 · 01/02/2021 22:24

I’ve spent so long being controlled and being told I’m useless that I do doubt my ability to make it alone. Time to finally grow up I think

OP posts:

WingingItSince1973 · 01/02/2021 22:38

Dear OP you haven't messed up in any way. Your children love you and yes their dad too but they will also want a happy and safe mum. Please reach out to family or friends that will help and support you. None of this is your fault xxx

starch23 · 01/02/2021 22:41

@Cottonwood12

I’ve spent so long being controlled and being told I’m useless that I do doubt my ability to make it alone. Time to finally grow up I think

That's understandable. He broke you down to control you.

But each step you take will build you back up. Be firm with yourself but be kind to yourself too.

You can do it even though it's hard to believe right now. Good luck.

Original poster

Cottonwood12 · 01/02/2021 22:42

I think I’ve given them a good childhood in many ways. He was away all the time before lockdown. Was often just me and kids. Lots of laughs, chats and cuddles with my little gang.

OP posts:

DNHandTNS · 01/02/2021 22:43

Maybe you should contact a women's refuge and then you'd get support to help you leave him, develop yourself, they often have playworkers to support the kids. Or if you have a supportive family, definitely share with them It would be easier than trying to do everything by yourself, but I think you should leave him. He sounds mad. A refuge is a good idea as they can help you if you need to get an injunction , divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour etc.

AngelicPP · 02/02/2021 02:25

I'm sorry I don't realIy have any idea what it's like to live like that and to worry about leaving and the future etc but I just wanted to say I hope you do find a way to leave and that I hope you get the support you need (nice to get support online like on here but I mean actual physical support which will be more help to you right now) and please don't put yourself down, that's what he has done to you. You need to leave ASAP as when the kids start getting old enough to lead their own lives whose to say he won't start on them next? I mean atm they prob do pretty much as told and don't push back too hard? If they are young teens then they could well start getting stroppy and going against the grain just to feel they have their own say and for someone who likes to be in control like your husband he might want to start bringing them down so he can control them the same he did to you. We don't know that but I wouldn't want to take that risk, they already will realise at some point what he's done to you so how you act now could impact on how they allow themselves to be treated or how they might end up treating someone themselves in future relationships/friendships. Good luck and stay strong. Do it for your kids...most can find the strength for someone else even if they can't quite for themselves.

sugarcherry · 02/02/2021 03:22

I'll never understand why someone like your husband-who very sadly, yet very obviously-despises you wants to keep living with you?
Just go, OP, just go. It'll be tough, but nothing is as awful as being treated and spoken to with hatred.
There's lots of support on MN to navigate you through the next few hours, days, weeks....
Run for the hills as soon as you can. Find peace and happiness again.
Your husband is utterly appalling. What on earth gives him the right to treat you like shit. Utter arsehole.

Original poster

Cottonwood12 · 02/02/2021 09:30

Do you know it has really helped me to see more clearly when you’ve said that the children can’t decide if they want their parents to stay together as they don’t understand consequences. It will mean a real step down for them from the life they are used to in terms of schools, accommodation etc. However you can’t put a price on peace can you? I think it’s really become a much starker picture over lockdown to be honest. Before his presence was much less due to work and so when the kids saw him it would be exciting and fun. I think lockdown has really made it impossible to hide. “D” H is furious at the world at the moment for various reasons and reacting childishly to COVID restrictions, thinking of himself as usual

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2021 09:41

Op do you work? Are you financially independent?

Amirite · 02/02/2021 09:58

My parents used to fight like this all the time and as a teenager when they finally separated I was so relieved. You’d be surprised as to how the kids will really react when you make your decision as it is clearly for the best. I wish my parents had split up long before they did.

FantasticButtocks · 02/02/2021 19:29

In order for children to feel safe and secure, they need to believe the adults in their life are in charge and know what they're doing. If the dcs are 'allowed' to dictate or majorly influence such enormous life decisions, it actually places a massive burden on them. It's not their responsibility.

You are the adult, you decide what's for the best, you take action and guide the dcs through it. They will learn from you how to be in command of your own life, how to have boundaries and how to recognise and prioritise the things in life that are important. How to live well.
I'm sure it won't be easy, but gather up all the courage you can muster, and very best of luck

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