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Original poster

Is this a thing? Having children just to have grandchildren?

65 replies

Allthekingshorses92 · 01/02/2021 14:48

I’m a bit idle so just musing about our situation with in-laws and wondering if other people have experienced it or if other people feel this way.

MIL has two sons and cried and struggled a lot with the fact she didn’t have a daughter. The reason she says she so desperately wanted a daughter was to have greater access to future grandchildren. Prior to me and DH having children she talked a lot about ensuring the paternal grandparents have equal access and it was clear this was a great source of anxiety for her. Since having children this anxiety has continued and has made the relationship between all of us strained. In Covid times we’ve noticed when FaceTiming she doesn’t want to see her son (my DH) and recently when he was telling her about a new promotion he’d been pleased to get, she interrupted and asked him to just point the camera at the GC. She even bought a go pro type thing so when they talk he can just wear the camera on his head and they can see the grandchildren that way .

I get that you’d be excited to have grandchildren, but it feels as though she mainly had children for the purpose of having grandchildren. And it also feels as though she isn’t that interested in her actual son’s life or wellbeing. Can you imagine feeling this way? Just grandchildren haven’t crossed my mind, but maybe the idea of them is really important for some people?

OP posts:

LunaHeather · 01/02/2021 14:50

Sadly I think it's not uncommon to lose interest in adult children. I think it's dreadful but some people are only interested in the childhood part.

Congratulations to your DH on his promotion!

Jobseeker19 · 01/02/2021 14:51

A lot of women only see their mother as the 'main' grandmother and the husbands is the spare.

I know with my sisters they treat my mum as the main one.

zippityzip · 01/02/2021 14:57

I don't know if it's normal but my MIL is the same. She has two boys, openly said in front Of them and everyone else "she never wanted boys" and is utterly obsessed with my kids (girls) and nieces. It's quite unnerving at times. Refers to them as "her" girls and "the girls she always wanted".

She doesn't give two shits what DH is doing Unless it's a favour for her. And she makes zero effort with me despite my best attempts to include her in things such as our wedding planning etc. as with two boys she wouldn't get the whole wedding dress shopping experience. But turns out she doesn't give a fuck about me either I'm just the vessel for her grandchildren. And she does compete with my mum so she embarrasses herself a lot.

Spodge · 01/02/2021 14:58

My mother tried to gang up with MIL to force me to produce grandchildren! I didn't.

LizFlowers · 01/02/2021 14:59

I've no idea, honestly. I don't have grandchildren (yet - I might), but cannot imagine being more interested in them than my child. My mother and my in laws loved all of us! Some people never do have a grandchild, what do they do? Forget they have adult children?

All seems weird to me though I do 'get' that grandchildren are special and lovely in their own way.

MIL in this instance seems a bit OTT but for all that, I am very glad she has grands as that was so important to her. I'd be inclined to say to her, gently, "Please don't forget you have a son who used to be the apple of your eye, he still needs his mum".

FTMF30 · 01/02/2021 15:10

I don't think people think about things so seriously that far ahead.

But I can see where your MIL's angst is coming from. I currently have one DS and my DM gets so much more access to him than my MIL. It's not on purpose but I am just naturally closer to my own mother so call on her for things. My DM was at the the birth but MIL wasn't. In all honesty, I wouldn't be miffed at not being at my grandchild's actual birth but, in all other things, it does make me quite sad that, as the mother of a boy, I might not get the same access to any DGC I might have compared to if I had a girl.

Your MIL sounds slightly obsessed though!

Ilovemaisie · 01/02/2021 15:42

I would have thought it's a basic 'mother nature' thing to keep the human race going. Of course they are going to fuss over grandchildren. They are the next generation...they grow up and have babies and you become the grandparents....and those grandchildren grow up have babies and their parents are now the grandparents.... repeat and repeat...

PandaVie · 01/02/2021 16:44

Do they have narcissistic tendencies? It’s mostly then about “supply”. Narcissistic people IME are often gushing, even sickly sweet. I’ve experienced my mother being like this when she met young children (though ironically ignoring her own young grandchild she hadn’t seen for months!) I’m not sure exactly why - maybe the supply aspect as it’s to get attention back from young kids. Maybe cos it makes them look good. It always felt OTT and fake to me.

Or else maybe she does genuinely love children as of course they can be delightful.

It’s hard to say without knowing more, but I’m sure you might have a fuller experience and understanding of the situation.

PandaVie · 01/02/2021 16:47

Typo Corrections : easier to get attention / supply back from kids maybe. And the gushing sickly sweet thing is really only ever something I’ve witnessed around young children (though as I said not so much round her own grandchild). But really I don’t know exactly the reason.

peboh · 01/02/2021 16:51

Adults are boring, young children as new and exciting.
It's totally normal for grandparents to gush over grandchildren and not so much over their adult children. It doesn't mean they love them less, it doesn't mean they didn't want them but only had them to have children. Also many who maybe weren't the best parents, see this a slight second chance to do better with the children in their lives. Let her love her grandchild. You'd be complaining if she wanted nothing to do with them.

Love51 · 01/02/2021 16:52

Gransnet might yield a supply of people who are in the know about this.
DHs dad was quite surprised by how overwhelmed he was by his love for gdcs, he said so to my parents who agreed!
Step mil is an amazing granny, I put it down to her experience of being involved with Other People's Children, as I don't think her stepmum experience was particularly easy.

Kitkat151 · 01/02/2021 16:56

I’m 55 I never even thought about having the prospect of having grandchildren until my daughter told me she was pregnant 6 years ago. I now have 3 grandaughters..... I do see my daughters 2 girls ( 4 to 5 times a week) far more than my youngest sons ( every 2 weeks) .....his daughter spends more time with her maternal granny.... I guess that’s often the way......girls tend to gravitate to their mums when they have babies....I certainly don’t love them any differently though ...... I am still very interested in all 3 of my children’s lives..... far more so than my grandchildren’s ...... I love to see them.....but I don’t worry or think too much about them when they are not with me ( that’s their parents job) .....I worry about my 3 grown up children all the time ( just like my 80 year old Mum still worry’s about me!)

PandaVie · 01/02/2021 16:57

Well of course it could be love and genuine excitement and lets hopes so. However:

Prior to me and DH having children she talked a lot about ensuring the paternal grandparents have equal access and it was clear this was a great source of anxiety for her. Since having children this anxiety has continued and has made the relationship between all of us strained

^This doesn’t sound particularly natural or healthy to me, but I think you would really need more information to jump to any conclusions.

GrallaceandWomit · 01/02/2021 17:00

Of course she’s more interested in her GC than her DS. My DM is the same but it doesn’t offend us, she has a wonderful relationship with our DS. It reminds me of being at my DGPs as a child, if I was ever bickering with my DPs my DGPs were always taking my side!

HeadNorth · 01/02/2021 17:05

'A son's a son until he finds a wife, a daughter's a daughter for all of your life' - from my mum, hideously old fashioned but actually current family behaviour seems to reflect it pretty clearly. I think this is why so many women are desparate for daughters - they continue to have a stake in their life and any future grandchildren.

I am still busy enough being a parent to my young adult daughters to worry about grandchildren yet - but I am only human, of course I would love a grandchild.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 01/02/2021 17:09

She sounds very similar to my son's birth mother, who is a horrible abusive narcissist.

Did your DH feel growing up that he wasn't as valued as a daughter would have been? If so - that's horrible, poor him.

It sounds like you need to set and maintain very strong boundaries, whether she's a narc or just an over-invested first-time grandma.

I have to say I'm looking forward to my son having children one day but I can't imagine losing interest in him as a result, or feeling it's a competition with the other grandparents!

woodhill · 01/02/2021 17:13

No, I like to speak to my dd & wish I was nearer to help out with dgd

catatecheese · 01/02/2021 17:16

My MIL is so obsessed with her prescious son she barely noticed the grandchildren!
Example when I had DS1 she ( forcibly not invited!!!) insisted on sitting outside the labour unit when I was having a C-section my mother was also there as I wanted her there. When I was wheeled passed them on way to ward holding The baby with DH walking behind she didn't even notice the new baby she apparently just went on to my mother how good her son looked and then actually said I wonder where the baby is! My mother was not impressed! .
She describes herself as the best mother ever also! Btw currently her and DH are not speaking and last I heard she has also fallen out with DIL and BIL. I gather she is obsessed with SIL children though.

trappedsincesundaymorn · 01/02/2021 17:39

My adult DD (an only), told me a few years ago that she had no desire to have children of her own....doesn't bother me 1 bit. I've never felt the urge to be a grandparent, just like she doesn't feel the urge to be a mother.

RandomUsernameHere · 01/02/2021 17:58

MiL is a bit like this. She would never, ever call DH for a chat on his own but insists on long FaceTime calls with the DC and doesn't really say much to DH. It's weird.
Whereas I regularly speak to my DParents on my own when the DC are at school, in addition to calling with the DC.

Pippinlily · 01/02/2021 18:06

I also wonder if her friends have grandchildren & maybe it’s a main chat/topic for their circle she’s keen to be part of? Stage of life etc.
I know my Mum reports back about all the grandkids when she meets with a particular circle of friends (mum’s of my school cohort). They love it if they’ve got grandkid news/pics to share between them.
Her interest does seem a bit extreme though!

ravenmum · 01/02/2021 18:26

I loved having little children/babies and I'm sure I'll annoy my children if and when they have babies by constantly wanting to play with them! What other chance will I get to show off my encyclopaedic knowledge of children's nursery rhymes?!

Sounds like your MIL doesn't feel she has much in common with her son / doesn't understand or know much about his job and feels on safer ground talking to the kids, as you can just chat to them about less complicated stuff? Does she talk to her husband about his job?

rawalpindithelabrador · 01/02/2021 18:34

No different from all the people on here who think if you don't have kids you'll have no one to look after you in old age.

Ginger1982 · 01/02/2021 18:41

@FTMF30

I don't think people think about things so seriously that far ahead.

Your MIL sounds slightly obsessed though!

Yeah I'm the same. DS sees my mum more than my MIL. I tell myself that's because my mum only has one grandchild whereas my MIL has numerous others but obviously it's also because I'm closer to my mum. I sometimes worry about being sidelined in later life too but there's nothing I can do other than maintain a close relationship with DS as he gets older and hope for the best.

huuuuunnnndderrricks · 01/02/2021 18:42

I don't want grandchildren with all the expectations of caring for them .. I'm tired now , I'll be shattered by the time dd has one ( I doubt she will tbh )

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