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Original poster

Is this a thing? Having children just to have grandchildren?

65 replies

Allthekingshorses92 · 01/02/2021 14:48

I’m a bit idle so just musing about our situation with in-laws and wondering if other people have experienced it or if other people feel this way.

MIL has two sons and cried and struggled a lot with the fact she didn’t have a daughter. The reason she says she so desperately wanted a daughter was to have greater access to future grandchildren. Prior to me and DH having children she talked a lot about ensuring the paternal grandparents have equal access and it was clear this was a great source of anxiety for her. Since having children this anxiety has continued and has made the relationship between all of us strained. In Covid times we’ve noticed when FaceTiming she doesn’t want to see her son (my DH) and recently when he was telling her about a new promotion he’d been pleased to get, she interrupted and asked him to just point the camera at the GC. She even bought a go pro type thing so when they talk he can just wear the camera on his head and they can see the grandchildren that way Confused.

I get that you’d be excited to have grandchildren, but it feels as though she mainly had children for the purpose of having grandchildren. And it also feels as though she isn’t that interested in her actual son’s life or wellbeing. Can you imagine feeling this way? Just grandchildren haven’t crossed my mind, but maybe the idea of them is really important for some people?

OP posts:
AuntieMarys · 01/02/2021 18:44

I'm 60. I don't particularly want grandchildren. I don't expect my dcs to have children to make them happy.

Original poster
Allthekingshorses92 · 01/02/2021 18:44

Interesting spectrum of responses. I’m aware it might sound like I’m almost jealous of the amount of attention my children get, but it’s not that, I’m thrilled that they have so much love. Separate to that, I think you still need your parent’s support as an adult, and I feel like my DH doesn’t really get that from them. That might have been the case pre-GC and their arrival has just highlighted it though. She’s very open about how much she grieved not having a daughter, and I’m sure that must hurt a child to hear that on some level? Perhaps the issue is that some women become so anxious about not having a daughter that they become super intense with GC in the hope they’ll secure regular contact.

OP posts:
Ememem84 · 01/02/2021 18:49

Dm is closer to my kids than mil. Although that’s because mom lives in Nz and we don’t. Fil lives 10 mins away from us and never sees us. Then moans when he has too.

Mil is also sad that bils kids see sils parents more than her. But they live closer in nz and are around more to help whereas mil still works and is superbly busy. That woman just doesn not sit still!!!

lifestooshort123 · 01/02/2021 18:55

3 friends who haven't had children (for different reasons) have all said that they miss having grandchildren now the rest of us have them, it's like experiencing the loss all over again.

123rd · 01/02/2021 19:02

Ha, my mil is the opposite. Still hasn't cut the apron strings from my husband she got bored of the GC quite quickly

Esmeralda1988 · 01/02/2021 19:02

I think it depends on how your relationship is with your own family. My DP's parents have never given him any support as an adult and they have a pretty formal relationship. They have never helped us move house, offered help with DD even when she was born and in special care, they don't ask us questions when we see them, they have never taken a picture of their son with his daughter either, they only take pictures of themselves with her. They also have no interest in spending time with us and DD and would prefer to have DD by themselves. By contrast my mum helps us a lot, enjoys spending time with us all together and as a consequence we give back to her, simply because she is part of our lives more. My mum didn't just stop parenting me when I turned 18, and as a result we have a close relationship as two adults. I find it really sad for my partner that his parents don't show more interest in him and since we had DD, that they don't seem to recognise him as a father, their only interest is in themselves as grandparents and their expectations of how having grandchildren should be. It sounds a little like your MIL also sees DGC in a vacuum. And the go pro thing is just bonkers!

rawalpindithelabrador · 01/02/2021 19:15

@lifestooshort123

3 friends who haven't had children (for different reasons) have all said that they miss having grandchildren now the rest of us have them, it's like experiencing the loss all over again.
Plenty of people have children who don't want children themselves, or cannot have them. It's not a guarantee you'll get grandchildren or be alive to see them.
MattyWilbur · 01/02/2021 19:16

I have issues with this and have had therapy on and off for years, but I had an odd childhood and my DM had many losses, unable to have more children.

Since I was about 12 she's talked about grandchildren - what I might have, at what age I might have children, how often she'd see them, often starting arguments about seeing her hypothetical grandchild regularly etc.

I'm late 30s and have never had children. I'm not sure if it's nature or nurture - if her persistence over the years completely put me off. I won't be having children. She has not come to terms with this, or any affect she may have had on this life choice of mine.

All she does is talk about other people's grandchildren. Sad

BaggoMcoys · 01/02/2021 19:18

I wanted my dd to have a close relationship with all her grandparents. I didn't have any grandparents when I was young, they had all died before I was born. I was very excited that my dd would have three of them, plus aunts, uncles and cousins (all mine lived too far away to see so I may as well have none).

It turned out that dd's dad's parents consider only their dd's dc to be their "proper" grandchildren (that's the word they used)! They have had so little to do with our dd, and I was very disappointed by that but it certainly wasn't my doing. They're just not interested. I realised that theyre the same to their other sons dc. They are like second parents to the grandchildren from their dd, but like fairly distant relatives to all the rest, including my dd. I think it's horrible and I'm glad I have my mum to make up for it.

Chiccie · 01/02/2021 19:54

As a mum of boys only I find this thread incredibly depressing.

MessAllOver · 01/02/2021 20:02

My mother is very interested in my DS and shows minimal interest in me. I don't blame her... I'm a rather average, boring adult and DS is the cutest, smartest little boy in the world in her eyes.

Also, we have very little to say to each other after months in lockdown doing nothing and going nowhere. It's far easier to point the webcam in DS's direction and go back to posting on mumsnet. DS, being 3 years old, is far better at inane chatter than I am. "And that's playdoh, ganma. And that's my ball. And this is my book, ganma." He can go on for hours without pausing for breath... They're well-suited as conversationalists and I bring very little to the party.

My MIL dotes on DH and is very (but marginally less) fond of DS (I think because he's not 100% "hers" and anything which is hers like DH must be better).

Madein · 01/02/2021 20:14

I don't have children but it's been interesting to see the effect my sister's little boy has had on my mum, and my SiL's kids have had on my PiL.

My mum was never very maternal and didn't have much patience with us as children, but is absolutely obsessed with my nephew, and gets jealous if he spends time with his other grandparents.

My FiL is equally obsessed with my SiL's kids and gets so jealous that my MiL sees them more because she does childcare and lives closer (PiL are divorced).

I've really seen a side to all of them that I've not seen before (apart from my dad, who isn't bothered at all about being a grandparent)

Remaker · 01/02/2021 20:35

A close friend’s eldest child is only just out of their teens and she is already talking about being a grandmother, how she will be one in the next ten years. All her retirement plans are based around the fact she wants to live near her grandchildren. Her kids have never even been in a serious relationship!

I’ve reminded her that my siblings and I didn’t have kids until we were well into our 30s, in fact I was nearly 40. So if my mother had just sat around waiting to be a grandma she would have wasted nearly 20 years. Also it’s a lot of pressure to put on a child. What if they have kids with someone from another country, or get a great job opportunity on the other side of the world.

Chiccie · 01/02/2021 20:37

Are people really like this? There is more to life than other people’s children!!

Chiccie · 01/02/2021 20:38

Do you think it’s people who are lazy and have no get up and go to do anything with their lives focus on their GC so their lives have some meaning

peboh · 01/02/2021 20:43

@lifestooshort123

3 friends who haven't had children (for different reasons) have all said that they miss having grandchildren now the rest of us have them, it's like experiencing the loss all over again.
I find that a little silly. There's no way of assuming that if they'd had children anyway they'd have ended up with grandchildren.
pinkhousesarebest · 01/02/2021 20:45

I have older teens and can’t imagine being like this as a grandparent. My own parents had zero interest in my dcs so I don’t have a great role model. I can’t ever imagine overlooking my own dcs though..

orchidsonabudget · 01/02/2021 21:46

Weird
Both sets of our parents aren't really interested in the grandchildren and only want to talk to us not them

MixMatch · 01/02/2021 23:13

To be fair, generally speaking, a lot of men don't keep as close contact with their mums/parents as daughters do. Typically the differences are apparent from young adult stage so chances are she would have been feeling a bit sidelined from his life even before you came along. I'm sure she cares about him - after all she's the one who gave birth to him and brought him up!

OP, if any of your children are boys, it's something you'll understand once they're grown up.

Crikeycroc · 02/02/2021 03:06

My MIL enjoyed being a mum and definitely didn’t have children just to have grandchildren but she is no longer interested in me now we have DD. I am clearly an inconvenience who does not hand the baby over to her fast enough.
She too only had sons and would have liked a daughter so I think because her first grandchild is a girl she is secretly more excited as she might have someone to do traditionally girly childhood things with in the future. She always asks me if my mum has been to visit and I know she’s very careful not to upset me to my face because she is worried about access to grandchild too.

MessAllOver · 02/02/2021 05:20

@Crikeycroc. My MIL enjoyed being a mum and definitely didn’t have children just to have grandchildren but she is no longer interested in me now we have DD. I am clearly an inconvenience who does not hand the baby over to her fast enough.

This mirrors my experience Smile. However, I find not being interested in the DIL much more understandable than not being interested in their own children. My MIL also just had boys (3 of them) and my DH is the only one with a child so far. MIL still dotes on DH. She is pleasant and polite to me, but our relationship is a slightly odd one since there are certain things which she regards as being her "sphere" (food and drink provision, for instance) and I think she finds it strange to have another woman intruding into that sphere after so long living with just men. So I try to cut her some slack. And unlike most people judging by Mumsnet, I've never had a problem with handing over the baby.

ThePurpleOctopus · 02/02/2021 05:35

@MixMatch

To be fair, generally speaking, a lot of men don't keep as close contact with their mums/parents as daughters do. Typically the differences are apparent from young adult stage so chances are she would have been feeling a bit sidelined from his life even before you came along. I'm sure she cares about him - after all she's the one who gave birth to him and brought him up!

OP, if any of your children are boys, it's something you'll understand once they're grown up.

You mean the OP will understand to the extent she'll ignore her (future adult) son talking about a promotion he's got, and interrupt him to just speak to her grandchildren/his children?

That's really sad.

Namenic · 02/02/2021 05:36

I think in some cases it is because sons don’t keep in touch regularly with their own parents as much as daughters. Obviously there are exceptions, but i think it is one reason. But I guess with OPs mil, must be off putting to have a disinterested parent like that.

PeggyHill · 02/02/2021 05:39

I didn't know this was a thing. It sounds horribly depressing.

MaMaD1990 · 02/02/2021 06:40

This is really sad to read. I just feel for your DH because her actions must hurt his feelings.

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