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Original poster

Husband secretly taking Viagra.

36 replies

Happyeverafter121 · 01/02/2021 13:06

Bit of back story. Husband and I got together in our teens, have been together for over 25years. 2 adult children doing well and establishing their own lives. Husband and I have been going through a difficult patch for the last 18mths. It was triggered by me discovering he had been obsessively looking at erotic pictures etc. Not proud to say but I discovered this after snooping as for the first time in over 20years we were having troubles in the bedroom, something wasn't right and he was struggling to get/maintain an erection. I took this discovery as clear evidence that I wasn't enough for him, not attractive, he had eyes else where etc, etc. It took A LOT of talking, unpicking and tears to understand what was happening. My husband admitted that he had issues with porn and promised to stop, as far as I know he has. He felt that the porn had desensitised him in the bedroom and that was why he was struggling with ED. ED has continued to be an off/on problem and at times I'm ashamed to say I have taken it personally. I have felt angry with him that he created this by becoming obsessed with porn, by wanting to look at other women daily, that his real life, loyal wife just wasn't enough. I have felt rejected, reminded and hurt every time it happened. My husband has said he loves me, finds me sexy, doesn't want anyone else, is devastated that he has made me feel like this. He says that his ED is a result of him worrying about it happening, worrying that I will feel shit again etc. Sex has been inconsistent lately, he's worried to initiate it he says, incase it doesn't happe. He says the worry takes the excitement away and he's not in the mood as much as a result.

A few month's ago he got hold of a viagra from a friend and work and gave it a try. We had an amazing weekend and he ended up buying some from him. I thought they were tucked away in our drawer waiting for another 'quiet' weekend but as I was putting his washing away earlier i found the pack in his cupboard with 2 missing. My automatic reaction is 'hurt'. Its hurt me that he has taken it to ensure he can maintain an erection with me.

We've always talked so openly in the past and communication was always a strong point for us, but all of this over the last 18mths is making me feel more and more distant from him. Am I being unreasonable for feeling hurt that he is secretly taking viagra to maintain an erection with me and should I tell him I know ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyeverafter121 · 01/02/2021 16:34

Bump. Hoping to get some thoughts on this before he gets home from work and I say something when I shouldn't have. Can't seem to trust my own judgement at the moment with everything we have been through.

Also I apologise, I know it's poorly written and ive just spilled it into thread !

OP posts:
DaenarysStormborn · 01/02/2021 16:39

In terms of him previously looking at points, no you aren't being unreasonable. ED is a bugger though. The more they think it will happen, the more it happens.

Personally if you know he's had sex with you with it and not using it for more porn I think you need to think of it differently. He's so worried about disappointing you he's taken it. Some people would be offended if they knew their partner was taking it so I think its just a bad judgement call.

Isitsixoclockalready · 01/02/2021 16:39

Depending on his age and testosterone levels, no I wouldn't say it's out of order for him to be on Viagra or any reflection on you whatsoever.

LadyWhistleUp · 01/02/2021 16:42

Do you think it's for someone else OP? Or to masterbate? If the latter, maybe he tested them out before your weekend?

TheGracefulwhale · 01/02/2021 16:48

Unfortunately, I have experience in this area.
I think communication is your key here. I would tell him you found 2 missing when you were putting washing away and how you feel about it. This is the 9nly sustainable way to deal with this in my experience. If you don't say anything, it will only put a barrier between you

Isitsixoclockalready · 01/02/2021 16:48

I'm guessing that as guys get to a certain age, the concern about being able to maintain an erection must grow (no pun intended). Is it possible that he is overcompensating by looking at porn to prove to himself that he can get himself in the mood? Is he perhaps worrying about 'letting you down'? There is a lot of discussion around women going through menopause but men can have anxiety about losing testosterone levels.

justchecking1 · 01/02/2021 16:49

Lots of men have this issue. It's not necessarily anything to do with porn, it's usually age/lifestyle/stress/medication related.

He's obviously trying very hard not to hurt your feelings. I would cut him some slack and have an open conversation where you try not to take things so personally and listen to what he has to say

Original poster
Happyeverafter121 · 01/02/2021 16:55

Yes that the difficulty, I understand how complicated it is when you experience ED and he has said how frustrating it is as now 'its an issue' and he has to work through that.

I don't think he is using the viagra with porn, it is most likely for us but I thought we were working through these last 18mths together with openness so discovering he's using viagra discreetly has just felt deceitful.

I think we're just in a sensitive and heightened state in our relationship. I think I'll see it for the good intentions that I think he had

OP posts:
MyAltAccount · 01/02/2021 17:02

As men get older erections as not as guaranteed as before. I can tell you as a man that the one way to guarantee you don't get one is to worry about whether you will!

He's taking it so he doesn't have to worry and can thus just enjoy the act. Its nothing to do with whether he fancies you or not, Viagra doesn't give you erections on its own, you still need to be turned on to get one. What it does is ensure that once you have one you don't lose it too soon.

Its hurt me that he has taken it to ensure he can maintain an erection with me.

I'm not sure why you're hurt here. Really. It's not about you. You're not the one who has the problem with getting an erection. Using your logic then when you get to an age where you're dry as a bone he should be hurt that you need lube to have sex with him. After all, you USED to get wet when you had sex so you must not fancy him anymore?

Don't think about giving him a hard time for this, he's doing it for both of you. Why not sit down, tell him you enjoy how hard he gets with Viagra and then encourage him to get some more and use it.

Just be kind.

Ohyesiam · 01/02/2021 17:07

He could be very frightened of disappointing you, and using it for that reason.

Original poster
Happyeverafter121 · 01/02/2021 17:11

Myalt account - by no means am I giving him a hard time taking viagra. I get what age does to us all. This problem started because he was obsessed with porn. He admitted that it just spiralled and he lost interest in reality. I'm just oblivious, worrying whether he has a health condition, was understanding, supportive as you would expect. The fact he wouldn't get medical advice, and just in general the way he acted at the time made me suspicious that he knew what the underlying cause was, however it took for me to discover his habit for him to stop and try and get our love life back.

I'm not hurt if he took viagra because of his age, I'm hurt that he feels the need to take it secretly to stay hard with me after he became obsessed with porn, especially when we are meant to be working through it together.

OP posts:
Isitsixoclockalready · 01/02/2021 17:16

@Happyeverafter121

Myalt account - by no means am I giving him a hard time taking viagra. I get what age does to us all. This problem started because he was obsessed with porn. He admitted that it just spiralled and he lost interest in reality. I'm just oblivious, worrying whether he has a health condition, was understanding, supportive as you would expect. The fact he wouldn't get medical advice, and just in general the way he acted at the time made me suspicious that he knew what the underlying cause was, however it took for me to discover his habit for him to stop and try and get our love life back.

I'm not hurt if he took viagra because of his age, I'm hurt that he feels the need to take it secretly to stay hard with me after he became obsessed with porn, especially when we are meant to be working through it together.

Is it possible, as I mentioned in a previous post, that looking at porn is a way of proving to himself that he can still get stimulated? I realise that this could easily be responded to with: "why am I not enough for him to feel stimulated?" but he probably won't feel the pressure with looking at porn (pressure obviously that he is putting on himself) whereas he might feel worried that he won't perform because of pressure in the real world. It does sound like a pride thing.
Original poster
Happyeverafter121 · 01/02/2021 17:27

@Isitsixoclockalready - yes I'm sure it is a pride thing. This is just a snapshot of some difficulties we've had over the past 18mths, which we're coming out the end of hopefully. Like I said I don't trust my judgement at the moment with everything we've worked through and everyone's insight is so valuable and helping me see it for what it is and not merge it with everything else.

OP posts:
CoronaIsShit · 01/02/2021 17:38

Sorry to be a bit dense OP but have you had ‘relations’ since your nice weekend then and you think he took more viagra on those occasions without telling you or are you not sure when he’s used them? Surely you would have noticed if he’d used them if he has been having problems without them?

LochJessMonster · 01/02/2021 17:45

I’m guessing the reason he didn’t tell you is because he knew you would overreact and make it about you? Which you have done.

You knew he had got viagra, you knew he had ED and you had a great weekend of sex. Poor guy can’t win

Original poster
Happyeverafter121 · 01/02/2021 17:48

@CoronaIsShit - not dense at all, like I said I've just kind of spilled this thread. Yes we've had sex since our weekend. His ED doesn't affect him all the time and is an on/off problem which I'd agree and say is psychological. He's used viagra since then between us without telling me. I'd never have known as when its good its really good... despite the time we've been together were only in our forties, so not ready for our pipe and slippers just yet. Just feels off that the first time we tried it we both talked about it as it was exciting, since then he's discreetly taken it and hidden the packet....

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyeverafter121 · 01/02/2021 17:52

@lockjessmonster - I have no problem with using viagra, we made it a 'thing' together and yes had a great weekend! My issue isn't about 'me' its about our relationship, the openess that I thought we had working through tough times.

OP posts:
category12 · 01/02/2021 17:56

Given you've been very upset by his ED in the past and taken it very personally, it's not that surprising that he's keeping it quiet when he uses viagra. If he's still engaging with what you were working through, then I'd let him have this.

category12 · 01/02/2021 17:58

But tbh, I'd want him to go to the doctor still.

I don't think it's wise that he's ignoring the fact there could still be a physical reason for his ED, and he needs to be checked out rather than using viagra assuming he'll be alright with it.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 01/02/2021 18:01

I think other posters have covered the psychological aspect here, but just wanted to pick up on him buying it from his friend - this is NOT a good idea! He can order it online from Superdrug and other chemists, this way it's sure to be a "real" tablet and not some useless, or possibly harmful knock-off! Please make sure he gets a reputable supply and doesn't risk his health. (Ideally he should go to the GP and get properly prescribed but I know it's an embarassing thing.)

Palavah · 01/02/2021 18:02

Surely much better this way than for him to do nothing about it?

Agree better if he can get to the bottom of the root cause to rule out an underlying health issue, and better if he can be open with you about it. Is it possible that he felt a pressure to have a shagathon weekend if he told you he'd taken it?

newtb · 01/02/2021 18:04

He could have low testosterone. XH suffered from ED for over 10 years before he went near a doctor, but evenetually had testosterone injections every 3 weeks to solve the problem. He tried the capsules, but they didn't work - with some people they don't. There are patches, but they weren't an option as they weren't reimbursed (in France).

Isitsixoclockalready · 01/02/2021 18:10

@newtb

He could have low testosterone. XH suffered from ED for over 10 years before he went near a doctor, but evenetually had testosterone injections every 3 weeks to solve the problem. He tried the capsules, but they didn't work - with some people they don't. There are patches, but they weren't an option as they weren't reimbursed (in France).
I would say that is perfectly possible. Testosterone does diminish with age. Obviously I hasten to add that the 40s aren't exactly old age - I'm 46 myself but I can imagine that it does start to impact on us men by this age.
HugeAckmansWife · 01/02/2021 18:33

I really think you're over thinking this. Would you tell him about the hair removal cream you use, or when you're bleaching your top lip? It's personal medical stuff.. When exactly do you want him to announce he's taken it? I think my partner does, if we're away for a weekend and a long 'session' is on the cards, but I don't think it's to do with me, it's about his confidence and it would embarrass him.

Wishwecouldturnbacktime · 01/02/2021 20:44

Having been in a relationship and married to a man with ED for several years, I just want to say you are not the issue. I never thought I was the issue, it's a medical issue of his. Yes, porn may play a part but that's a mental issue and not a reflection on you.