Husband secretly taking Viagra.

[Happyeverafter121]

Bit of back story. Husband and I got together in our teens, have been together for over 25years. 2 adult children doing well and establishing their own lives. Husband and I have been going through a difficult patch for the last 18mths. It was triggered by me discovering he had been obsessively looking at erotic pictures etc. Not proud to say but I discovered this after snooping as for the first time in over 20years we were having troubles in the bedroom, something wasn't right and he was struggling to get/maintain an erection. I took this discovery as clear evidence that I wasn't enough for him, not attractive, he had eyes else where etc, etc. It took A LOT of talking, unpicking and tears to understand what was happening. My husband admitted that he had issues with porn and promised to stop, as far as I know he has. He felt that the porn had desensitised him in the bedroom and that was why he was struggling with ED. ED has continued to be an off/on problem and at times I'm ashamed to say I have taken it personally. I have felt angry with him that he created this by becoming obsessed with porn, by wanting to look at other women daily, that his real life, loyal wife just wasn't enough. I have felt rejected, reminded and hurt every time it happened. My husband has said he loves me, finds me sexy, doesn't want anyone else, is devastated that he has made me feel like this. He says that his ED is a result of him worrying about it happening, worrying that I will feel shit again etc. Sex has been inconsistent lately, he's worried to initiate it he says, incase it doesn't happe. He says the worry takes the excitement away and he's not in the mood as much as a result.

A few month's ago he got hold of a viagra from a friend and work and gave it a try. We had an amazing weekend and he ended up buying some from him. I thought they were tucked away in our drawer waiting for another 'quiet' weekend but as I was putting his washing away earlier i found the pack in his cupboard with 2 missing. My automatic reaction is 'hurt'. Its hurt me that he has taken it to ensure he can maintain an erection with me.

We've always talked so openly in the past and communication was always a strong point for us, but all of this over the last 18mths is making me feel more and more distant from him. Am I being unreasonable for feeling hurt that he is secretly taking viagra to maintain an erection with me and should I tell him I know ?

You're taking this far too personally . It's nothing to do with your attractiveness or not to him . Even with Viagra there has to be sexual stimulation and a desire for sex . It merely keeps it up there , keeps the blood where it is needed. ED is difficult for all men and esp when you go on like before it can destroy his confidence .This is why he will not have said - he is likely embarrassed. He should though see a doc to get checked over .

OP, he needs to see his GP. Erectile dysfunction can be an early warning sign of many serious health conditions, from heart disease to diabetes. Get him checked out, rather than just masking the problem with Viagra.
Once his physical health is sorted, you can have a proper discussion- perhaps mediated by a counsellor- to address the emotional issues.

It's absolutely fine for him to be managing this himself. In fact, I'd go as far as to say it's none of your business, really. Up to him whether he shares it with you.

There's a lot to unpick here but it does sound like (because of the porn) you made his ED about his feelings for you, and about you.

And therefore he is scared of getting ED again because he doesn't want to upset you.

So he is taking viagra in secret to make sure he doesn't hurt your feelings again. And by doing so he has hurt your feelings.

It kind of sounds like he is stuck between a rock and a hard place (excuse the unintended pun) where if he doesn't get an erection you will be hurt, and if you find out he is using viagra to get the erection and hasn't told you you will be hurt. But he shouldn't have to tell you every time he takes a medication for a medical issue.

I would be more concerned about him buying medication off a friend than going to the GPs to check there is no underlying cause that needs to be ruled out and getting the medication prescribed properly.

And if I ever found my husband counting through my medication to see how much I had taken I would feel a bit violated to be honest.

Zombie thread all… resurrected by someone trying to sell viagra.

Oh for goodness sake I didnt even see the warning pop up 🙄

Help me, we talked openly about the ed, how we both felt, how we both agreed we needed outside help, then he goes and gets them, behind my back, takes half the bottle before I find out, when I found out he said he was too embarrassed to tell me????? And it's a miracle, he no longer needs them and not one issue since?? Explain what logical yet none shady reason for this out

Please help

@Hurtbefuddled this is a 4 year old thread.

It may be useful for you to start a new, up to date one?

You've taken his ED personally and made it about how you're not enough. He's feeling shame and doubt and rather than fight with you about how his ED makes you feel, he's taking it hoping you don't find out. Also, what medicine he takes, if it's legally prescribed, is his private medical information. He should have a complete physical, there might be physical issues playing a part too.

I think you guys could benefit from marriage counseling with a qualified therapist. You need open communication and some objective eyes to help you two with that.