How accurate do you think you gut instinct is?

[gutinstict]

Just that really.
How many of you have went with your gut instinct and been right when it comes to partners and something just not feeling right- possible cheating
Just out of curiosity..

@Silenceisgolden20

I can't really confront him until I have something concerete to go on. I'm hopeful that's it's not him playing away. But maybe more him struggling with lockdown, stressed with work or something else that isn't as serious. Men can be funny about talking about how they feel. Just the phone thing that's making me think the worst.

My gut instinct is 100% terrible. It usually is the opposite of good sense. But I think my perceptions are a bit wonky all the because of my schizophrenia or my medication.

[quote gutinstict]@WorkOnCore

I've never been one to check his phone and don't really want to do that if I can avoid it, as that could be crossing some kind of line that I'm not sure I want to cross. Wouldn't that break the trust? As I'm not saying he is Definately cheating on me- I genuinely don't know. But what I do know is that something doesn't feel right.[/quote]
Trust me, the only way you'll be able to know for sure is to look at the phone before asking him any questions. I know you think it's a line you don't want to cross because I felt exactly the same. We'd been together way before cell phones came on the scene and I had paid zero attention to phones up until last year. I knew nothing about how phones work or the various apps - I just used to use mine for calls and texts. I was technologically illiterate. So much so that I hadn't even noticed he was using two different phones simultaneously last year. Do yourself a favour and go with your gut.

Why would it be work if he's stuck to his phone? and why would his mum exaggerate?

Don't have to confront him. Keep noticing things and don't doubt your intelligence.

My guy instinct is always right but the majority of the time I ignore it and sadly get proved right.

The thing is when you love some one so much you override those feelings because you just don’t want it to be true.

OP I know this won’t be popular but you’ll get your answer straight away if you ask to look at his phone. If you say ‘ I’m having some weird feelings and can you put my mind at rest by letting me look at your phone - if there is nothing there then I apologise and I’ll work on my insecurities’

If he doesn’t give it to you I think you have your answer.

I did this with my ex, he refused. I got past it but in the end yes he was talking to women on line as I found his bank statement

[quote gutinstict]@Crocodilian I don't have anxiety. I'm not paranoid or naturally suspicious. But things just don't feel right and can't quite put my finger on what it is. Wouldn't ever say my partner would cheat but just little things all adding up to come to that conclusion [/quote]
Thank you @gutinstict.

Your quote above is precisely how I felt, unfortunately. And I had absolutely no reason to be paranoid, trusted him 100% which is why I kept disregarding that gut feeling.

I thought I was paranoid with my ex, but I wasn't. Unfortunately I stayed initially.

Your gut is actually you picking up on his behaviour, ime.

If a partner asked to look at my phone, I don't think I would hand it over. Even to put their mind at rest. Once you do that to each other, you're changed the dynamics. They will always think you don't trust them. And the other person will think what have they deleted

It's a tricky one.

Pretty damn accurate.

My stomach did the drop through the floor thing a few months ago after seeing my partner holding their phone at a slightly odd angle. And lo and behold, there was an overly-keen woman somewhere whose attention he was lapping up guiltily! Basically I just knew he hadn't been behaving in the spirit of our relationship. It took a couple of months to unpick all the details from him (he thought he could downplay it, not realising how difficult that is to get away with when the person you're doing it to knows you through and through...). Anyway, we are in counselling to discuss why this has happened, but essentially my gut feeling about him engaging in some sort of not-just-friends thing was right.

In fact I had this with an abusive ex. A male friend hugged me once (in public) and once we were alone he went mental and demanded to see my phone. I refused.

Later down the line, he got my password anyway without me knowing.

That is a completely different scenario and not the same thing but it always make me wary that if you get to that stage, it's not good.

If he offered to show you his phone that would be better but I doubt he would. And things be deleted anyway.

@Silenceisgolden20

I think i would be the same and not because I have anything to hide but just because I think it's a massive invasion of privacy

@NameChanged294749 you are so right about the 'holding their phone at a slightly odd angle' thing. Say that to anyone who hasn't experienced that and they think you're crazy. But it definitely is a thing. An almost imperceptible change in the way they hold and look at the phone.

A year ago I found out DH was having an emotional affair and for 3 month's beforehand had the exact same feelings you are having. Keeping his phone close, being later home from work as he was getting the train with her. Being distant with me and not engaging on the level he usually does.

Trust your instincts.

Look at his phone if you get the chance. I did and it confirmed to me my instincts were correct. You'll never get the truth otherwise and it'll drive you screwy.

He's lying to you and you looking at his phone isn't overstepping. If your instincts are right he's already overstepped.

100%

I have slowly learnt to trust it over time. It ranges from a feeling of things being 'off' to full on anxiety/anger. I use it for everything. It often takes a while for things to become clear so if I get a warning about someone I will make a mental note of it and keep my distance. I've turned down jobs when things haven't felt right. Sometimes I even get a word or sentence pop into my head like 'sneaky' or 'here comes trouble'. It's completely bizarre as it usually comes out of nowhere. In the past, I would have initially dismissed it but it always turns out to be true!

I would suggest you start keeping notes of what happens/what he says. It will help you to see things clearly. Don't question him about things (i.e. only visiting his Mum for five minutes) as it's best that he doesn't think he is being watched. Also, keep notes of how you are feeling. If he is up to no good (which I suspect he probably is) then the messages will get stronger. It's your warning system telling you what you need to know/do to protect yourself.

Let us know what happens.

@WorkOnCore yeah, it's such a small change but it causes you to ask big questions. Nobody sits at an uncomfortable angle for no reason, it is as simple as that really.

[quote gutinstict]@Silenceisgolden20

I think i would be the same and not because I have anything to hide but just because I think it's a massive invasion of privacy [/quote]
I don’t see it as that and unfortunately I was was right in the end.

If my dh asked to look at my phone and said what I said above I’d understand there were some serious issues with in our relationship and I’d want to know why and work on them. I wouldn’t want my partner to feel like that. It would be a one off to put their mind at ease and not something that would ever happen again.

It’s not about invasion of privacy it’s about being open and transparent when one of you is struggling. It’s not about handing your phone over for them to rummage through it’s about sitting down together and showing the partner that actually everything is ok and that serious work needs to happen to find out why this has happened.

Your intuition has picked up something isn’t right - yet your already putting obstacles in your own path on why you can’t find out.

You don't have to see it like that but i wouldn't do it to put my partners mind at ease. I would want to know why they asked and talk about it.

But that's me and my experiences. To me, it's a trigger for control and I'd rather be on my own. Everyone's experience is unique to them and I understand why it would work for some couples.

So ask him but phrase it as "are you ok?"

"You seem a bit distant at the moment, popping to the shops which is great don't get me wrong but feels like you want to get away from us? Are you ok? Do you want to talk anything through? I feel like I'm competing with your phone at the moment and disengaging is not healthy, you would say if there was anything wrong I'm not saying I can fix it but I can listen and try and make it better if I can of course"

Or look at his phone.

Also, I should say that my trust in him was through the roof prior to the strange phone holding. We even lived in different countries for a while and I never suspected he was going behind my back or anything. The whole thing hit me like a bus and I think that's why I didn't brush it under the carpet. It was SO unusual to feel that way, that kind of topic had never been a problem for us.

50/50 until I learnt to ignore the emotional guesswork and gave my brain a chance to catch-up.

How's things op x

For me in anything - friendships / colleagues / family etc - I log when I feel “confused” “unsettled” or “anxious” - I notice when the emotional dynamic has shifted - I don’t put my self under any pressure to work anything out - just note, log, observe.

Over time the truth will out. It takes time as PP said for your head to assemble all of the pieces of the jigsaw - or not.

If you chase something too soon - you risk closing it down and being responsible for changing / fudging the dynamic (eg trust) - you don’t want to put yourself in the way of seeing something unfold before your eyes.

However in your case there are numerous repeated little things - not a one off - that are building a picture in front of your eyes. These are objective facts around observable changes in behaviour. They have happened. Your gut is suggesting someone else - you might be wrong. From reading on here it could be loads of other things. Keep your antenna subtlety observing. Don’t let the anxiety or intrusive thoughts run away with you.

It’s not about invasion of privacy it’s about being open and transparent when one of you is struggling. It’s not about handing your phone over for them to rummage through it’s about sitting down together and showing the partner that actually everything is ok and that serious work needs to happen to find out why this has happened.

This. If my partner was struggling or feeling insecure and I had nothing to hide it wouldn't bother me at all showing my phone, because my priority would be making sure they were ok and reassuring them everything is fine.

Trust it
But don't act on it until you are sure.
Watchful waiting
Truth will out or not .