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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just feel so angry.

37 replies

Pebbledashery · 31/01/2021 23:50

Hi all.
You've seen me post several times about my very violent ex and we're engaged in Court proceedings.
We have had supervised contact commence in a contact centre where I've been court ordered to pay half of the cost when my ex earns triple what I do, does not pay maintenance towards his daughter and the fact i support 100% of our daughters financial costs. That's anger number 1.
Anger number 2 is leading up to the first contact session.. I've been mentioning him at home to DD and telling her she will see him soon because I didn't want her to arrive at the contact centre unaware of where she's going and who she's seeing.. In my mind.. This isn't fair to her.. Despite the fact it makes me physically sick to show her photos of him or mention him in our house.. The house that is now our home, that took everything I had to get, that she's safe in and isn't tainted with abuse. Anger number 3 is we arrive at the contact centre, contact centre staff were lovely people.. Cannot fault them.. However DD is beside herself.. The most distressed I have ever seen her as she didn't want me to leave. I did my very best to pacify the situation and mentioned that her father was looking forward to seeing her and she will have a nice time.. I said to the contact centre supervisor that she will likely be fine once she sees him because I've been talking about him at home etc.. DD literally clung onto me and cried so hard.. I started crying too as it all got too much.. In the end I had to walk out because I felt my presence would just exacerbate the distress more.. I told her that it's exactly like nursery and mummy will always always come back.
After the contact session.. The contact supervisor handed over to me and DD had a nice time.. Two things she mentioned have angered me so so so much.
She said father was crying when DD was crying as he heard her. I just thought to myself.. Were you crying when you physically and abusive your defenceless daughter.. And violently abusing her mother in front of her? You shed no tears then.
I'm angry because he quite gleefully expressed how DD immediately stopped crying as soon as she saw him..
This isn't because of him and his presence... This is because I have maintained his relationship with her.. Against everything.. The abuse, the mental cruelty, the coercion.. I've stamped on how I've felt internally and put DD first, despite the fact promoting his relationship with her makes me physically sick.
He also cried profusely in the contact session and professed to how much he missed DD and loved her.. Pity you didn't feel that way when she lived under your roof.
I honestly don't know how long term I will be able to promote his relationship with her and forget what he did to us. I don't need closure, or counselling or any kind of placating.. I'm just so angry that he's playing the Oscar winning actress.

OP posts:
toomuchfaster · 31/01/2021 23:58

I don't if this is the right thing to say but: do you need to promote the relationship? I think you have every right to be angry and I don't think you should be expected to forget anything. I hope you get the outcome you and your daughter deserve.

Original poster
Pebbledashery · 01/02/2021 09:12

Thank you x.
I was just trying to put my daughter first :(

OP posts:
purplebloodedwoman · 01/02/2021 09:51

Hi @Pebbledashery I've not seen your posts previously am I right in reading he physically abused (hit) both you and your DD? X

Original poster
Pebbledashery · 01/02/2021 11:01

@purplebloodedwoman yes. The abuse escalated the minute i because pregnant. I was violently attacked at 30 weeks pregnant :( then it became progressively worse when DD was here and he abused her also.. Childrens services intervened and removed us from the family home and I was ordered to flee as a result. X

OP posts:
changingmine · 01/02/2021 11:04

That sounds extremely difficult, I am so sorry.

Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 11:05

Is it a court order saying she has to have the contact?
It seems he is still able to carry on the abuse this way. In a different format but getting his kicks.

I don't blame you for your anger. Are you getting suppet for yourself?

Theunamedcat · 01/02/2021 11:09

Don't bother talking about him at all or showing pictures you have done it once thats enough

I'm really not sure why they are forcing you to promote contact and pay for it that is truely messed up

Can you apply for child maintenance?

Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 11:11

What would happen if you didn't take her to the contact? I don't know all the legal aspects.
I think it's incredibly important that children have a relationship with the other parent but in cases of abuse, and extreme abuse here, how is this helping your daughter? She's confused and in distress.

It's such a messed up system where the woman that has fled abuse is still at the control of her previous partner through their children.
It must be awful for you and I hope you've got some support in place.

Shesheadingonin · 01/02/2021 11:12

This is horrific! You’re a better woman than me as they would have to come to my home and prize my child from my arms before I’d let him near her. Of course, if this is a court order, you have my fullest sympathies (you do regardless). So awful for you 💐

purplebloodedwoman · 01/02/2021 11:26

@Pebbledashery that sounds horrific so sorry you had to go through that .. but I'm very surprised the law is saying that he still deserves contact even if supervised surely not if he's done that to her too in the past?! There's no way I would want my child anywhere near someone like that! He's a danger to her, i don't know the law side of stuff but I really don't get how he's aloud to see her and there's no way I would be keeping your DD's relationship with him in tact..it's false and she'll end up thinking he's someone he's not as she gets older. I would never spite my ex over DC from standard relationship problems at all but he has physically abused both you and her** which is a totally different story, he shouldn't be allowed to be in her life in my opinion Sad x

Original poster
Pebbledashery · 01/02/2021 11:28

I don't have reservations about the contact centre.. She's perfectly safe in the facility and the staff did their very best to reassure me. Its exactly as pp just said.. He's just continuing to control and manipulate via contact. He's playing the dutiful father whose been wrongly prevented from seeing his daughter whom he apparently shares a close bond with.. Why is her bond strong with him... Because of me. I will not have her feeling abandoned and I have never spoken badly about him..even though the minute i say Daddy my insides just twist :( i hate it. I despise him for what he's done to DD.. Subjecting her to abuse and her being so distressed because she thought I was leaving her and not coming back.
If I don't go, I'm in breach of the court order and will get in trouble pretty much. I actually don't have a problem going or making her available for contact etc.. Its just the way he's now acting.. Crying in a contact centre sessions.. Its so timely. What about all the times you were hurting us.. No tears shed then. The worst thing is, this vile human being isn't even admitting to any abuse whatsoever.. He's now claiming I perpetrated abuse towards him :-(

OP posts:
Original poster
Pebbledashery · 01/02/2021 11:30

She categorically is at serious risk with him if it was to ever progress to unsupervised contact. I don't think I could send her if I knew it was unsupervised.

OP posts:
worriedpleasereassureme · 01/02/2021 11:32

OP this is awful, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I wouldn't encourage a relationship with him by showing photos and talking about him if I were you. I just couldn't

DogGoneCrazyNow · 01/02/2021 11:39

I think stop promoting it. For a start you're probably setting her up for disappointment. I go with honest but not pushy.

I don't ever say anything negative about dad. They had contact paused for six months after he started hitting them. The police were involved although he just got a warning. I just explained that daddy had been naughty and that he needed to learn better. I ask how their time was with him (usually it's boring) and I just say "sorry to hear that but we can do X now" and we carry on. If they ask about him I answer but I don't go out of my way to talk about him. He doesn't bother to call or maintain the relationship and it's not my job. Mine are 5 &8 now and they both have a relationship with dad that is more like one of a disinterested uncle. But that's him, not me. They have also got lots of people that love and do bother. They're the important ones.

I'm never, ever say anything negative but I don't lie either.

Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 11:53

What trouble would you be in if you stopped the contact?

Original poster
Pebbledashery · 01/02/2021 12:28

I'd be in breach of the Court order and contempt of Court.
I don't want to do that - because I don't want to mess my daughter about, she's been through enough and I just want stability in her life. But my anger is with him behaving manipulatively and using every opportunity to still exert control. It's patently obvious that he's using the Court system to further abuse. He's such a dangerous individual and I am terrified of him but if I breach the Court order I am showing I am not putting my DD's interest before my own :(
I just don't know how the future will be, it terrifies me.

OP posts:
Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 12:31

What does Womans aid say or other professional advice?

Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 12:32

And what happens with breach of court order?

Original poster
Pebbledashery · 01/02/2021 12:45

It'll go to enforcement action, he can apply for the order to be enforced where I will get in trouble. Anyway, the point is - I have no intention to breach the order at all - but I am angered by the way he is behaving :( and it's out of my control.
I have an IDVA, but they are limited to what they can advise with court proceedings. My only hope is CAFCASS, they have worked out he is the perpetrator based on the paper evidence from SS and Police - it's very, very obvious. I'm scared though, things have happened whilst we've had court proceedings, I've had a call from the NSPCC and Adult Safeguarding in my local area - they've received reports from an anonymous source who is known to both my ex partner and I and they've reported that DD and I are in danger :(

OP posts:
Colouringaddict · 01/02/2021 12:47

The law is ridiculous. My son was stopped from contact with children because his bitter ex alleged he was violent. No proof, children disputed events apart from one which even CAFCASS said was produced with parental alienation from mother.

He is seeing them now but only when mother says so, usually Christmas and birthdays.

My DH wanted to adopt my 2 DC, we approached SS who said they would need to contact their father, who had served a prison sentence for assaulting me, but if he then desired access to the children, they would support him in that!

I really hope he shows his true colours at contact, but they’re very charming.

I can’t believe that you have evidence of his violence and still they are allowing this

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 01/02/2021 12:56

Play the game op, keep paying. Don't do too much in terms of talking to your child about her father.

It sounds like the relevant authorities are aware and having that report about your safety is helpful.

Be seen to be helpful and compliant, be whiter than white and then he can't say you are being obstructive etc.

Original poster
Pebbledashery · 01/02/2021 13:17

I just don't know how contact will progress in the future. Even my Solicitor is worried - she said he seems to be trying to control everything.. he's asked for an independent social worker to do a Section 7 PRIOR to the fact finding, rather than CAFCASS who will be ordered after the fact finding.. everything is a mirror allegation to what I have alleged. It's just so disturbing. It's the fact he cannot show remorse or take responsibility for what he's done that really makes me so scared.

OP posts:
whydoyouhateclocks · 01/02/2021 13:26

You're not putting your daughter first though.

Original poster
Pebbledashery · 01/02/2021 13:36

@whydoyouhateclocks why? because I have to comply to court ordered contact?
Don't make a judgement like that without explanation. I've put my daughter first this ENTIRE time. I fled with bin bags of our possessions with no where to go or no clue where we'd end up because I put her first and safeguarded her.

OP posts:
averythinline · 01/02/2021 14:16

You need to apply to cms for money for her as well..even if you just put it in an account for her...he can't complain surely as needs to be seen to support.......

He sounds horrendous and I'm so glad you got away ..I think you will need to follow the process...crappy as it often is...you don't have to make a deal of him to her...just keep it factual..

Have you got a dv flag on your address with the police?

Make sure you keep a full diary..eg did x this day and record what you can video/voice....it she's getting that upset it may be better social worker can see it....

Keep going the love for your DD shines through..